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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really shaken, need your thoughts on clash with neighbour.

217 replies

Lalunya85 · 14/07/2017 12:28

Walking home with the kids, one in the buddy and 3yo on a bike. We're crossing a road which is difficult and dangerous to cross at the best of times. It's residential but lots of parked cars and really difficult to see if a car is turning into the street etc.

A car was parked on the double yellow lines, blocking the dropped curb. A woman was unpacking the boot of her car and taking stuff into her house that was just next to the parked car.

I approached her and said very calmly and quietly (there were other people nearby and I didn't want her to feel attacked). I said in those exact words: "hi excuse me, I know it's really difficult around here with parking, but I just wanted to let you know it's really dangerous trying to cross with my kids when you are blocking the dropped curb"

She went from 0 to 100. She said all sorts of things like "stop interfering", "have you got a job? I run two businesses!", "do you have postnatal depression, get a life!" and "stop harassing me."

I replied very calmly, especially since my kids were nearby. I said "I'm not harassing you, I just wanted to make you aware this is dangerous. Why are you insulting me?"

It went on like this for a while. Then she said, shut up and fuck off. So I said, and I regret this: "in that case I'm going to take a picture of your car", and did exactly that. She then walked up really close, said she would take my phone, I thought for a moment she was going to hit me. It was awful. Nothing like this has ever happened to me.

She then took a picture with her phone of me and my kids standing on the pavement.

I then walked off eventually. We live only a few doors Dow, around the corner. I don't know this woman but clearly we are almost neighbours.

I'm still shaking. My instinct was to go back to her house, and tell it it hadn't been my intention to start a fight, and clearly she couldn't hear what I was trying to say. I would tell her that I have deleted the picture (I haven't yet) and would ask her to do the same. I didn't go over there because I wouldn't want to take the kids and dh isn't home.

I hate conflict.

What do I do now?? The fact that she lives so close scares me.

OP posts:
WomblingThree · 14/07/2017 14:21

Freddystarshamster hehehe hurt feelings database

wanderings · 14/07/2017 14:23

For some people, rules are there to be broken. She's clearly someone who's used to getting her way, and woe betide anyone who challenges her.

Some years ago I had a neighbourly confrontation similar to this (also about parking: neighbour ranted, probably drunkenly "how dare you use my disabled space which hasn't been painted yet!"). It took me years to stop thinking about it. My instinct told me that it wasn't worth reporting, but (as subtly as I could) I asked other neighbours if they had met this chap. According to the grapevine, he was notorious, he had mates in the police, and would often drink and drive. I saw him do the same to one or two other unsuspecting visitors who parked in "his" space. Once the police did turn up when he was outside his house loudly pleading to be let in at 1am. It didn't give me any pleasure to give him headspace, but I suppose I was hoping he might get his come-uppance one day.

Sometimes it's a case of "keep your ears and eyes open and your mouth shut"; pick your battles, take notes, keep the photos, and if something more serious does happen later, there would be more of a case against someone so mad.

It's a sad sign of the times that sometimes you have to walk away, for self-preservation: unfortunately, sometimes doing the right thing (reporting) stirs things up and lands you in more bother than before. There was the person who asked a man to stop smoking at a railway station, and she was pushed onto the tracks for her trouble. (Loads of people were on the smoker's side! Fortunately he was prosecuted.)

We know that the police are cut to the bone, and so do the entitled idiots and the criminals, which is one reason they think they will get away with it. It's a shame that we don't live in the time when the police had the resources to have a "quiet word" with troublemakers, and they could actually make threats that worked.

Original poster
Lalunya85 · 14/07/2017 14:23

yellow thank you.

I'm going to leave this now. I've learned my lesson and thanks everyone for contributing.

OP posts:
Freddystarshamster · 14/07/2017 14:25

Polly: yes I am.

She threatened to steal the phone Not an offence

She shouted in the street and abused someone A s5 public order offence at the very very most,which by the sound of it was unwitnessed and wouldn't meet anywhere near the threshold. Have you ever sworn In public? Ever? Would you be happy with "PC Plod" as you so delightfully named them coming to have a word about it? Or would you be furious thinking they're wasting their time when they have more important things to do?

She was parked illegally Not a police matter.

If it was a MAN doing this to a women, MN would be out in force, wanting him hung The first sensible thing you've said on this post! Well done.

Polly2345 · 14/07/2017 14:27

I live on double yellows. If your house is on double yellows and you have no driveway you're allowed to park for as long as it takes to load and unload from your own house. If you're having work done to the house you can actually ring the council and get temporary permission to have a work vehicle outside all day - the council let the traffic wardens now and they don't issue tickets to the work vehicle for an agreed time period. I'm not sure about dropped kerbs though tbh.

That said, her reaction was completely over the top and v rude. She could have just explained what I've said above - that she's allowed to park to load and unload. If I was her I would have politely explained then said I'd be as quick as I could.

She probably won't do anything. I have a sort of neighbour (round the corner) who screamed at me a few days after I moved in cos I parked in a way that annoyed her. I wasn't doing anything wrong in parking how I had, but I offered to immediately move the car anyway and explained I was new to the area and said I hoped I hadn't caused any inconvenience. Her response was to continue to scream at me as I drove away! I've seen her once since and she couldn't look me in the eye even when I waved a cheery hello. People usually know when they're in the wrong!

rinabean · 14/07/2017 14:29

you weren't wrong to confront her

it's understandable that you responded to her the way she responded to you, but not great because you never know how far some dickheads will go

you weren't wrong to take the pic

you weren't wrong to be upset

I understand you wanted to patch things up with her, but 1 it wouldn't have worked and 2 it's not your problem

Don't let her or people on here put you off trying to do the right thing

japonicaleaf · 14/07/2017 14:30

She sounds like a prize cow but you did take a picture of her first yes?

My vote is for going around there and trying to smooth things over. Say you never intended to upset her and can she please delete the pic of your kids? And then show her your phone while you delete HER pic.

ThymeLord · 14/07/2017 14:31

I am loving the idea of the hurt feelings database. It would need a vast vast amount of memory to cope with all the MN'ers ringing up to complain that someone breathed near their children or had their dog off lead in a public park Grin

kaytee87 · 14/07/2017 14:34

Op she was an arsehole, sadly there are lots of them. This is why I don't bother confronting strangers about anything.

Backingvocals · 14/07/2017 14:34

MN database of hurt feelings is genius. It would need its own tab for MIL slights - perceived and real.

Hope you are feeling a bit better now OP.

marymarytoocontrary · 14/07/2017 14:43

If it was a MAN doing this to a women, MN would be out in force, wanting him hung
' yes if a man was going around confronting women about their parking we'd be pissed at him too.

Nikephorus · 14/07/2017 14:43

You challenged a woman who was clearly parked temporarily whilst emptying her car, you stood and argued with her to make your point, then whipped out your phone to take a picture - why did you do that? You know where she lives, she hasn't the foggiest idea who you are, taking a photo is a really intimidating act on your behalf and I don't believe anyone on here would be happy about some oddball total stranger doing that to them.
This ^^. She probably couldn't park close enough to her house to be able to unpack her shopping without multiple trips needing her to lock & unlock the car & house, so parked temporarily on the double yellows. She may have had kids inside that she didn't want to leave unattended for long. You have no idea. If someone started taking photos of me I'd be pretty pissed off too.
And I can't believe people actually think OP should phone the police!!!

user1476869312 · 14/07/2017 14:51

Next time, don't be so officious. Telling people they are in the wrong and then taking photographs of them (when they were not doing anything to you but you took it upon yourself to stick your beak in) is never going to end well. And if you run boohooing to the police about it, then it would serve you right if they tell you to sod off and mind your own business.

OstentatiousWanking · 14/07/2017 16:15

Just leave it now. Like you said it was all fucking stupid. A bad blip in a normal day. Move on.

Also pmsl at the idea of reporting. Fucking ridiculous idea when our police service are so stretched.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 14/07/2017 16:55

Lalunya, rest easy, she doesn't want to hurt your children. It was just a copycat reaction, you photographed my car, I'll photograph your children. Keep the photo, move on, and enjoy your weekend.

NC4now · 14/07/2017 18:00

Haven't RTFT but just leave it. I have situations sometimes with work where people get very irate and confrontational. Best you can do is not engage. You'll never get them to back down by arguing.
Anyone can take pics in a public place so that's a non-issue.
She may park differently next time, she may not, but you've made your point. Leave it now.

NC4now · 14/07/2017 18:02

Out of interest though... what were you going to do with the photo?!

youaredeluded · 14/07/2017 18:11

YABU. Unless the drop curb is next to your drive and you use it for access, I think you were being a bossy busy body for telling her off. She may have only parked the car there for a few moments while she unloaded. Then you come alone all righteous, telling her how to park. I think I would have told you to fuck off too, especially if you started taking photos of my car!!! You overreacted and started the confrontation, then got upset when it escalated. So I think YABU, although the women did rise to your bait and probably overrated too.

Disillusionedone · 14/07/2017 18:16

She sounds utterly unreasonable and aggressive. No way should you go round there and talk to her.

Disillusionedone · 14/07/2017 18:17

Astonished at people defending fishwife woman.

Hedgehogparty · 14/07/2017 18:26

It's horrible having these sort of confrontations.
I hope you are talking to people in RL for support

yellowgymball · 14/07/2017 19:42

I hope you are talking to people in RL for support

Hmm

For support?

She was busy bodying and got told where to go. Nobody pulled a weapon out.

I wouldn't be aggressive but I would certainly tell a random stranger to mind their own business if they confronted me in the street quickly unloading my car.

bimbobaggins · 14/07/2017 20:03

Just wondering how you go about your daily business and you come across a pavement without a dropped kerb, give up, go up. Surely you just lift a buggy down.

I also agree that mn is a parallel universe where people think " logging it with 101" is the answer to all the worlds problems.
Don't know how to park on your drive, dial 101
Somebody looked at you the wrong way, dial 101. Just forget it happened

Whenyouseeit · 14/07/2017 20:38

I dont think parking across dropped kerbs is taken seriously. I had a fairly heavy twin buggy and some back problems, I physically couldnt lift it up the kerbs on some of our local pavements. One is right by a charity shop that sells furniture & I regularly used to stand and wait 5- 10 minutes while people loaded and unloaded. One journey that used to take 10 minutes once took 40 because I had to do so much doubling back & waiting. A minor inconvenience for me, I had that buggy for two years. I've seen electric wheelchair users stuck unable to cross just shouting for help. I wouldn't have confronted the woman but I dont think personal convenience is a good enough reason to block wheelchair access even briefly

ddssdd · 14/07/2017 20:51

OP, although you did nothing wrong, you didn't need to tell her that she shouldn't be on double yellows..She clearly knew that. And to stay so that you can explain yourself Hmm. There was no further explanation needed.

Couldn't you have asked her to move her car, when she'd finished what she was doing?

I have been in your situation, and conflict isn't nice. But what's done is done. If next time you walk by, she's not on the double yellows, she's obviously taken note.