To ask if you would be able to forgive my DH?

[K1092902]

I'm sure some of you will recognise me from my post from last weekend which is here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2973959-Found-a-positive-pregnancy-test-in-DSDs-bedroom-DH-will-want-her-out-What-the-fuck-do-I-do

Long story short: found a pregnancy test in one of DSDs drawers last week. She is pregnant and has decided to keep the baby. DH hit the roof the other day, resorting to phoning the police as I took DD with us to my mums. Police weren't interested but DH turned up in the middle of the night demanding to see 3yo DD and my dad has to physically restrain him to stop him entering the house. I begged my dad not to call the police and he didn't but has expressed that he does not want DH anywhere near him, mum or the house again.

DH called me this evening to ask if I would meet him for a drink to discuss things. He said he can't support DSD choices but doesn't see why our marriage should be affected. He has said he may in time come round to the idea of being a grandparent at this age (I'm 34 and he's 43) but "can't make any promoses". He doesn't seem to understand this is his daughter we are talking about.

I have agreed DD can go and stay with him over the weekend but I can't go back to him- can I??

Of you and her.

Your dsd not dad!

Thank you for updating in the middle of stress OP.

FWIW, my DS found out she was pregnant at 17, our grandmother went round there, jabbed her in the stomach with her finger and said "so when are you getting rid of it?" She soon came round to idea of having a great grandchild. It's something I will never completely forgive her for though (that's not the worst thing she's done either but that's another story). My point is, he may just come round and grovel.

Telling you he may or may not come to terms with his DD's pregnancy clearly means he won't come to terms with it. But if he makes it sound like there's a possibility of him coming to terms with the pregnancy, he potentially creates a window inwhich he can smooth things over with you. However it wouldn't cut the mustard with me. I'd need complete support and acceptance of his DD to consider returning. I couldn't live with such a morally void father otherwise

That sounds pretty stressful for your mum and tbh quite a strange arrangement, as if him seeing little DD took priority over everything else. Who owns the house?

I couldn't forgive him because he's being a terrible father. It sounds like he's gotten away with being a domineering bully up until now and he definitely sees his DDs and probably you as personal possessions. It sounds to me like if you forgive him and go back you'll effectively be required to abandon your Dsd

Yes. Do check out what you can do re getting you and the girls back into the house, and him out of it.

He is being a terrible father to a girl with no mother. I know you're being very kind but his total lack of compassion and understanding towards his daughter forces you to have to be kind.

I don't think he should be allowed to just bring you back to heel. The ''no promises'' bit is a threat. What's happened has happened and I get that he's not thrilled but you're all going through shit now because he has a temper and can't cope and is being about ten times as dramatic as he needs to be. It's not fair on anybody.

"He has bailed out on hie responsibility to HIS daughter and left you to pick up the pieces".

I agree with this assessment.

How could you forgive him
He is willing to toss his daughter to the curb over a mistake
You seem to be the one sanity in her life, dont turn your back on her, which is what forgiving him will seem like 5o her

See a solicitor - you need to know where you stand, especially about the house.

See a solicitor - you need to know where you stand, especially about the house.

This x 100

I might be able to forgive such behaviour, if I were sure it was a one-off and if he changes his tune pretty quickly now. It would be a big ask, however: it might take me years to be able to forgive.

BUT I am wondering about the history. This isn't a one-off at all, apparently. You anticipated he would behave exactly as he did. That is very telling. It suggests that what you are seeing right now is NOT some bizarrely out-of-character behaviour. If he is predictably like this then there is no point forgiving him.