To ask if you would be able to forgive my DH?

[K1092902]

I'm sure some of you will recognise me from my post from last weekend which is here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2973959-Found-a-positive-pregnancy-test-in-DSDs-bedroom-DH-will-want-her-out-What-the-fuck-do-I-do

Long story short: found a pregnancy test in one of DSDs drawers last week. She is pregnant and has decided to keep the baby. DH hit the roof the other day, resorting to phoning the police as I took DD with us to my mums. Police weren't interested but DH turned up in the middle of the night demanding to see 3yo DD and my dad has to physically restrain him to stop him entering the house. I begged my dad not to call the police and he didn't but has expressed that he does not want DH anywhere near him, mum or the house again.

DH called me this evening to ask if I would meet him for a drink to discuss things. He said he can't support DSD choices but doesn't see why our marriage should be affected. He has said he may in time come round to the idea of being a grandparent at this age (I'm 34 and he's 43) but "can't make any promoses". He doesn't seem to understand this is his daughter we are talking about.

I have agreed DD can go and stay with him over the weekend but I can't go back to him- can I??

OP - sent you a PM

Peter TBF I didn't read the entire thread so I don't know if his behaviour changed and he got crazy.

I agreed with the fact he was entitled not to raise /finally support another person in their house.

IMO a lot of posters were infantilising the SD. She's not 16, she's 18. An adult. And if she chooses to bring another life into this world then she needs to step up and shoulder the responsibility, including putting a roof over its head, not expecting others to do it.

The H already made his feelings clear on young pregnancy so they should have known how'd he'd feel. It was hardly a shock. You don't always agree with how family feel, think, behave, but there are ways to deal with it, instead of breaking up.

Do you never forgive the racist gran? The homophobic uncle? If you only accept your family by your standards, you wont have much family left.

As it happens, a similar thing happened in my family. My aunt who's younger than me got pregnant at 19. She knew her parents would not support her having the child so without telling anyone she was pregnant she left. Moved to an affordable (for her) place. Got herself sorted, told everyone. It was a struggle but she avoided the conflict and her parents see her and her child often and adore him. By MNs opinion it would make them terrible people she should have cut out from her lives. If she had her and her son wouldn't have the loving relationship with them they do now.

But as I said, OP knows her situation best, we only know fragments. It's up to her how she goes on.

He called the police? Why?
He is more worried about being a grandad at 'his age' thane he is about his daughter?
He seems to have made this all about him and it really, really isn't. Of course it is a shock and it's unexpected but the world has not come to an end, it is not the 1950s. Does he seriously want to lose his whole family, his marriage, over this just because he can't see beyond his own selfish needs?
I'd be giving him time to cool down - his behaviour at your dad"s shows he isn't ready to be like an adult yet.

I would suspect that he has turned red hot anger into cold fury at this point and so I also urge you not to send DD for the weekend.

Just because he has asked to meet to discuss things doesn't mean he is at all willing to be reasonable or any other thing that is not part of his personality. More likely there was something in the police response to him that told him he was not going to be able to use them to bully you, that has prompted him to try the non-apology and no guarantee tack, and the plea to forget about everything he said and did and come back...

However, it is also highly likely they told him that both of you are equally DD's parents and unless there is a court order being violated you were completely in your rights not to return her at midnight. I think he is going to turn that around and keep her from you. I would be very nervous at this point about DD if I were you.

So it is really important to log that incident at your parents' house, and since your dad had to restrain him, you might even be able to get a non-molestation order.

I'd have let your dad call the police. If he was that scary, sending your 3 year old, totally defenceless to her Dad (which is a role he only fulfills well when he's happy with his child?!) for the weekend isn't something I could do. I agree he could revenge-hold her or hold her until you return at least. Let him go through the courts. Or let him grow up and understand he was frightening, unreasonable, unpredictable and reacted out of proportion to the situation. It affects your relationship even more because you have a child with him who you must see he might reject or treat terribly, if she does something in the future he doesn't agree with. Your parents won't now have a relationship with him. Would a relationship for you and him be possible now in light of that?

Tell him that for now you would like to work on parenting your DD together in a positive way that is in her best interests. And see if he can focus on doing that

I could not forgive, I would always be wondering when he was going to throw DD put.

Out not put!

Please don't let him have DD alone - he won't give her back!

You will not be able to do a thing about it, just like he couldn't.

I wouldn't be letting a 3yr old anywhere near him y til he has calmed down. He could do anything! If he was that bad that your dad wanted to call the police I would have let go and let them deal with his anger he would have soon seen the light!

If you hand over your dd then you are saying he is reasonable in his actions. You won't have a leg to stand on if he keeps her hostage until you return. I wouldn't put it past him.

Let him explain to the courts how he had to be restrained by your dad to stop him coming after you.

rainbow
So your solution when your daughter gets pregnant is to toss her out on the street to 'teach her a life lesson in self sufficiency'? Not to even let het back through the door?

Op is managing to support her while they work out how they will manage the pregnancy and her education so why can't her dad? The girl needs her parents not judgemental bullying.

He is completely selfish, arrogant and a bully. They are well rid of him.

Well, whatever you do is up to you but I could not be with man who would throw his pregnant daughter out, get aggressive and abusive etc. He sounds like a wanker.

Your poor dad. " my dad has to physically restrain him to stop him entering the house. I begged my dad not to call the police and he didn't but has expressed that he does not want DH anywhere near him, mum or the house again." How awful for a father to know his daughter is married to a man who can do that!

I would not want him caring for my three year old if he cannot manage his own anger. I am afraid to me he sounds a bit unhinged. I may well forgive him but I would not want to live with him.

Why the hell did he phone the police? does he think being pregnant is a crime! OP I do not know you from a bar of soap but you have showed compassion to your dsd. You deserve better than this man.

He has potentially lost a wife, two daughters and a grandchild, all in one evening. He sounds pretty dumb; I do hope he thinks it is worth it!

What a massive over reaction. I don't think I'd want to be around someone like that

Please don't go back to him op,
Think of your beautiful dsd (and dd if she ever found herself in a similar situation) they need you to be strong and show them it is not acceptable for a man to be like this.

Absolute deal breaker. I could never live with or respect someone who turned their back on their child during a period of need. If they can do that to their child, what might cause them to turn their back on me? And you have a daughter with him. Are you ready to face this all over again if (God forbid) your own daughter should find herself in this situation? And by the way, would he have kicked a son out of the house for impregnating some girl? I doubt it!

And I agree with others who are cautioning you NOT to let him have your DD alone. You stand a very big chance of not getting her back. He's already accused you of 'kidnapping' her. He'd have no compunction in keeping her. After all "Fair's fair", right? At least, it is in his mind.

Congrats to your dsd. I hope she didn't make the decision because her dad pushed her into it, iyswim.

Please get advice from a solicitor wrt getting him out of the house and you and the girls back into it.

Don't send your little dd to him this w-e. See if you can't meet in a neutral public place instead, but actually try to avoid him altogether right now,

What was the upshot of your mum talking to 101?

Willow

They are well rid of him.

It's easy to say when you're not the 3 year old who's going to grow up without a father.

Yes, he reacted badly. As they knew he would because it's not something he agrees with. But that doesn't mean once his anger subsided he wouldn't be able to get to the place the OPs at.

I've not read anything that indicates he would be a danger to his 3 year old but some MNers are advocating keeping him away from her.

Let him explain to the courts how he had to be restrained by your dad to stop him coming after you.

And where is this from? How I read it it was he was trying to get into the house and the father stopped him, not that he was trying to get at OP.

A lot of typical hysterical MNers, piling in like a lynch mob baying for blood.

The girl needs

WOMAN. Exactly what I meant by infantilising her.

To echo others, I wouldnt allow your 3 year old to stay with him. One thing that his call to the police will have taught him is that if he (having PR) decides not to bring her back then there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. He can see her with you present, or not at all.

And no, I couldnt forgive him.

He's only trying to manipulate the situation so that he can have his cake and eat it, isn't he? Essentially he wants the OP back on his terms.

Rainbow Jack the fact that the DSD is 18 not 16 may mean she's legally adult but she is still very young and it's to the OP's credit that she wants to support her. You are twisting everything to suit your own very unpleasant values and I've rarely seen a less charitable attitude on Mumsnet. The OP's 3 y o will not be without a father but her father's influence will be reduced and that will be a good thing.

her father's influence will be reduced and that will be a good thing.

Yea, that's how I'm sure the child will think of it.

I imagine the father is more than this single issue. But hey, feel free to spit that poison. You're not one who's going to have to deal with the aftermath.

You forgive when someone has changed their ways. Whatever his beliefs and principles, people make mistakes. Especially when they are our own children, as parents we should help them in every way possible. He's not doing that. His pride, principles and ego are more important than the difficult phase his daughter is going through.

OP in your shoes I'd find such an arrogant person difficult to forgive unless he saw the errors of his ways and made amends for it.

Please let your dad contact the police and get a restraining order. I suspect in the future you will need proof of his unreasonable behaviour. You will regret not reporting this.

This man is going to play hardball. Do you know how close you are coming to losing your own daughter? He could legally keep her until courts say otherwise. Please allow supervised visits only (by you).

Step away from the love you feel and look at his behaviour. Not someone I could ever be with.

He treats his older daughter horribly. He will treat your daughter the same way, or even worse in attempt to control her more.

You can't possibly love someone who would disown their child? She's already lost her mum and now her dad is going to disown her when she's most in need of love and support. Can you think of anything more cruel than that?

You need to set up house with DSD and raise your kids together. In your last thread you said you were trying for another baby. Please don't. He's not a good dad. He is a very shit dad. Just raise the new little cousins to be close and give them a beautiful and loving home where no violent scumbag comes over in the middle of the night needing to be physically restrained. That's not what happens in a good home.

I think you have to forgive him if you want to live with him again BUT you do not need to live with him again even if you forgive him.

Forgiveness does not necessarily mean he has changed his ways, it means you do not hold that thing against him anymore. The problem I see if that although he has been rude and unpleasant and aggressive to you, your father (and maybe even your mum) and maybe all in you dd's presence, it is your dsd that he has really hurt and so that hurt is not really yours to forgive.

I remember your thread too.

Normally I would want to see my way to forgiving. But in this situation, he is still being an idiot and isn't standing by his own flesh and blood.

No forgiveness from me. I would be disappointed if my teen got pregnant, but I would never ever show that disappointment to her or reject her.

His DD wants her baby. He needs to grow up and accept his family or remove himself so as not to hurt everyone involved.

I am very glad your DSD has you. Good job.