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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would be able to forgive my DH?

214 replies

K1092902 · 13/07/2017 23:46

I'm sure some of you will recognise me from my post from last weekend which is here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2973959-Found-a-positive-pregnancy-test-in-DSDs-bedroom-DH-will-want-her-out-What-the-fuck-do-I-do

Long story short: found a pregnancy test in one of DSDs drawers last week. She is pregnant and has decided to keep the baby. DH hit the roof the other day, resorting to phoning the police as I took DD with us to my mums. Police weren't interested but DH turned up in the middle of the night demanding to see 3yo DD and my dad has to physically restrain him to stop him entering the house. I begged my dad not to call the police and he didn't but has expressed that he does not want DH anywhere near him, mum or the house again.

DH called me this evening to ask if I would meet him for a drink to discuss things. He said he can't support DSD choices but doesn't see why our marriage should be affected. He has said he may in time come round to the idea of being a grandparent at this age (I'm 34 and he's 43) but "can't make any promoses". He doesn't seem to understand this is his daughter we are talking about.

I have agreed DD can go and stay with him over the weekend but I can't go back to him- can I??

OP posts:
Astella22 · 14/07/2017 09:12

Sounds like he is having one big pity party and wants ur DD there too. I could forgive him if he profusely apologies soon and tries to make it up to his DDs for the foreseeable future. Sounds like he's one big man baby.

pointythings · 14/07/2017 09:14

Don't leave your younger DD with him. You cannot trust him. A man who fails his own child as he has done cannot be trusted. I would not forgive. You do need to start legal proceedings now so that you, DSD and DD can go.home. He needs to be the one who leaves. Then if you WANT to try again it has to be conditional on him getting major counselling and anger management.

Personally I would not wish to share my life with such a failure of a man and father.

SpringTown46 · 14/07/2017 09:23

Log what happened on the non-emergency police line.
Don't allow your child to go this weekend.
He is abusive.
He is controlling.
Shows violent tendencies.
Seek professional advice.

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 14/07/2017 09:33

I'd be more likely to forgive if you hadn't expected this reaction from him. Had this been a totally left field out of the blue reaction and he had quickly calmed down and realised what an ass he had been confessed it had come as a shock I may consider working towards forgiveness. But this wasn't out of nowhere. I read your first thread you expected an overreaction like this and had already put a plan in place to get your dsd out of there and protect her from it. This suggests an undercurrent of anger and or control from your dh. In those circumstances I just couldn't go back now. If you do I'd worry the control and anger would get worse for starters because you will now have told him how low your bar is set.
Also who then supports your dsd? I'd worry he directed his anger to you to try and stop you seeing her and supporting her. You'd end up either scared to go and see her or sneaking around behind his back neither of which is giving her the support she really needs right now.
If this was your own dd in 15 years he would do the same again. So nope I would not be able or willing to go back from this.

PlinkyTheFairyWitch · 14/07/2017 09:43

Honestly, this is so tricky. I do want to say I admire you and your strength, OP.

Do you feel comfortable with the way this man is treating a young woman? Let alone a young woman who is his daughter? Do you think he will treat his other daughter in this same way? Do you know why he's behaving as badly as he is? Does it matter? Does he always support you all in everything else and is it just teen pregnancy that send him off the rails? Or is he judgemental about other stuff the women and girls in his life do, too?

I'm not sure I could stay with my husband if he did something this monumentally dickish. But if he did, it would be massively out of character so I'd suspect something was up and would look into ways of resolving it. Only you can make that call.

I really do wish you and your daughters all the best, OP Flowers

XJerseyGirlX · 14/07/2017 09:44

I would be asking yourself op, in the horrible sad situation your dsd is in. If your own dd were to be in the same position ( without you) he would likely abandon her also. He just sounds like someone who likes to kick people while they are down and bully them into doing what he wants. I agree with pp who said to tell him his failure as a father is putting you off wanting to continue a marriage with him x

Silverthorn · 14/07/2017 09:50

Nope. What a poor excuse for a father he is.
My older sister got pg at 19. There was a bit of shock and hoo ha from us all and the greater family. Grandma suggested a shotgun marriage etc. But there was never any suggestion of chucking her out of the family home.

PerfectPenquins · 14/07/2017 09:54

Your step daughter lost her mum at a young age, has been dumped and deserted by the father of her baby and her own father wants to forget her. How lonely and scared must she feel right now? Your husband is a disgrace knowing what his daughter has been through he would happily leave her on her own. I would also report his behaviour and your dad restraining him to the police. There would be no going back for me he can be left on his own and please keep caring for your step daughter she needs someone strong for her now

DixieNormas · 14/07/2017 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoingSlightlyCrazy09 · 14/07/2017 10:02

Only you know your background and how strong your marriage is ...was. However, as an outsider looking in, your DSD has had a huge shock, is trying to make a life changing decision and the one person who should have her back - her Dad - makes it all about him, and doesn't give her one ounce of love/support. That in itself would be a dealbreaker for me, and even if he reacted in temper/shock, he's not done anything to make it up to any of you let alone his poor DD.

But I can also appreciate it's not that easy when you have a life together and a history. Question is, can you get past his reaction and forgive it?

DixieNormas · 14/07/2017 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kittychatcat · 14/07/2017 10:07

Has your DH ever shown this sort of aggression before? What made you scared of his reaction before you told him? I seem to remember DSD was too scared to speak to him herself which tells me that you already know that he can be intimidating and abusive. While a teenage pregnancy isn't ideal, your 'D'Hs reaction to the news was very extreme and not that of a normal person.

You are minimising the assault on your father. What would have happened if he hadn't been restrained? Would he have snatched DD? Would he have hit you if you tried to stop him taking her? I agree with pp that you need to speak to the police and get legal advice to keep yourself and DD safe. I would only allow brief supervised contact for the time being because he sounds unstable.

Your marriage can't recover from this as you will always be walking on eggshells around him. I suspect you were already doing this before the pregnancy announcement.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 14/07/2017 10:08

I couldn't find anything worth forgiving in a man that behaved like that.

NameChange30 · 14/07/2017 10:08

I just looked up your other threads and they have confirmed it for me. It's a LTB.

I wonder what the real reasons were for him to split up with his two ex-partners... someone who treats his daughters like this doesn't deserve one, let alone three Angry

Protect your own daughter as well as DSD. He is a very toxic father.

leighdinglady · 14/07/2017 10:08

No. Nothing has changed. He's irreparably damaging his own daughters life. The baby isn't. He is. I was deserted by my own dad and tbh still have issues with it now. If he can be that cruel and selfish he's not worth it. Plus your SD may feel you've abandoned her too by condoning his behaviour

Intransige · 14/07/2017 10:22

In difficult circumstances I think people show you who they really are. I wouldn't personally feel comfortable bringing up my daughter in a family with someone who sees obedience as a condition of love. And who thinks abandoning a pregnant teenager is ok.

RandomMess · 14/07/2017 10:35

He has shown who he really is, there would be no going back for me Flowers

mikeyssister · 14/07/2017 10:37

Did you meet him K?

Was he remorseful and accepted he was wrong?

He's incredibly stupid if he honestly thinks such a fundamental difference in your (you and him) thinking would not affect your marriage.

Unless he had a complete volte-face I honestly don't see how you could reconcile.

fishfingerman307 · 14/07/2017 10:39

He's behaved appallingly.

Whether to leave him is a big decision though. It sounds to me as if things are currently in a rapidly escalating vicious circle. I suspect your DH feels panicked and scared at the prospect of losing everyone and is not emotionally mature enough to step back and think calmly about it. He seems to be lashing out and may not know how to get out of this destructive mindset.

I apologise for sounding like I'm excusing him. I'm not. He should be manning up, apologising, making amends - but I don't think he will and maybe if you are able to speak to him calmly to find out why he has had such a strong reaction, you can all get to a better place.

You may well still want to leave him, but at least things might be easier as regards co-parenting your DD if you can get back a small measure of trust and understanding (obv not re DSD, but any bit of calm will help).

Also just want to say what an amazing SM you are. Unqualified support means the world to everyone and your DSD is very lucky to have you in her life Flowers

LoveCakesandWine · 14/07/2017 10:41

OP I remember your last thread & feel so sad reading your update. Your DP needs to stop focusing on himself & focusing on his children & you. That he's still focusing on himself & behaving appallingly is unforgivable

BraveBear · 14/07/2017 10:52

Be very wary about letting him have his younger daughter alone this weekend. A man who will turn up in the middle of the night demanding to see his fast asleep child - is that a man who will calmly hand her back on a Sunday afternoon?

rizlett · 14/07/2017 10:56

OP - have you thought of leaving before this happened with your dsd?

Were you already feeling that your relationship was not healthy?

vikingprincess81 · 14/07/2017 10:59

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Clattering around at 3am isn't in the best interests of a 3year old. Neither is her potentially seeing daddy and grandad fighting - that's on your OH.

I don't understand the reaction either. I wouldn't be thrilled to be a granny at 43, but equally I wouldn't throw out my child. One of my dcs will be 19 when I am 43, so i'm in the right age range - I'd support her, give her a massive cuddle and work out what to do together.
So, no, OP, I can't see why he reacted this way, and the way he acted afterwards hasn't been great either.
I don't think I could go back.
All that said, I'm not you, and neither are the rest of the MNers - the question is, can you forgive him? And can you live with knowing he's behaved this way? Just take some time and think about it.
As for access to dd - his past behaviour is the best indicator of future actions - are you absolutely, 110% sure he'll hand her back? Or does he try to 'punish' you when he's angry? Again, only you know that, but it's another thing to consider. There's no reason he can't see her, but I'd want to be around, especially if he has form for being difficult when he's not getting his own way.

JuicyNectarine · 14/07/2017 11:13

No and until he stops thinking he owns the women in his life no negotiation on that. I was so proud of you and your mum reading your last thread, you are your step daughter's parent and really doing a great job looking after her. Don't negate that now, you have done the right thing, you and your daughters are a package deal - you all deserve to live a happy life free from controlling abuse.

This isn't about an unexpected baby, it is about a controlling dictator.

Demanding toddler access in the middle of the night is abuse, I suspect there is a lot more you haven't realised is abusive yet. Give it time and be very careful about having your 3yo used as a weapon.

SistersOfPercy · 14/07/2017 11:44

No I couldn't.

The girl is vulnerable, needed her Dad more than ever and to add to her worries over being pregnant he's shunned her.
This is the time more than ever he needed to step up and be a parent and he's failed miserably. The person he should be meeting to build bridges with his is daughter.