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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would be able to forgive my DH?

214 replies

K1092902 · 13/07/2017 23:46

I'm sure some of you will recognise me from my post from last weekend which is here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2973959-Found-a-positive-pregnancy-test-in-DSDs-bedroom-DH-will-want-her-out-What-the-fuck-do-I-do

Long story short: found a pregnancy test in one of DSDs drawers last week. She is pregnant and has decided to keep the baby. DH hit the roof the other day, resorting to phoning the police as I took DD with us to my mums. Police weren't interested but DH turned up in the middle of the night demanding to see 3yo DD and my dad has to physically restrain him to stop him entering the house. I begged my dad not to call the police and he didn't but has expressed that he does not want DH anywhere near him, mum or the house again.

DH called me this evening to ask if I would meet him for a drink to discuss things. He said he can't support DSD choices but doesn't see why our marriage should be affected. He has said he may in time come round to the idea of being a grandparent at this age (I'm 34 and he's 43) but "can't make any promoses". He doesn't seem to understand this is his daughter we are talking about.

I have agreed DD can go and stay with him over the weekend but I can't go back to him- can I??

OP posts:
hickorydickorynurseryrhyme · 14/07/2017 07:40

I just don't get it. If this had happened to me at 18 would my dad have been upset? YES! Would he have been upset/angry? YES! Would he have kicked me out? NO!

Whatsername17 · 14/07/2017 07:40

I think you need to be practical. If you stay together, where is dsd and the bavy going to live? If he doesn't come around and makes horrible comments, how will you feel? How does dsd feel? How is he going to try to make amends with your parents? Do you want to stay together?

acatcalledjohn · 14/07/2017 07:45

He's shown you (and told you for that matter) that he will only be a parent when it suits him. You need to tell him that his DD should be his priority, and given that he cannot seem to do that you can only assume that your DD2 wouldn't be a true priority either if it ever wouldn't suit him. Of course that affects your marriage.

He's a total self-absorbed twat if he can't see it.

He's treating his DD as if she's fallen pregnant on purpose to spite him.

Ameliablue · 14/07/2017 07:46

Not unless he had a serious change of heart and attitude.

SouthChinaMorningPost · 14/07/2017 07:49

I'd be going absolutely mad with devastation if my kids got pregnant at that age - I hink the question really is - was this door slamming shouty rage or someting worse? you can forgive the former.

Birdsgottaf1y · 14/07/2017 07:49

You should have let your Dad phone the Police or did it yourself.

This is why young women continue to feel silly or making a fuss, when they are confronted with DV, because the message isn't getting across, male behaviour is always minimised.

I agree that you shouldn't just drop your DD off for the weekend, he doesn't have to give her back.

I could only forgive if he did a complete turnaround and begged forgiveness from all of you and said how wrong he was. That's not happening, so he wouldn't be forgiven.

TheNaze73 · 14/07/2017 07:50

I totally understand his viewpoint but, not how he expressed it.

acatcalledjohn · 14/07/2017 07:53

@WannaBe The reality here is that his reaction isn't that uncommon, and chances are that if the dsd had gone back to talk to him when he called on monday night they probably would at least have reached middle ground by now, and things would likely have improved as the pregnancy progressed.

So hold on, this terrified 18 YO pregnant hormonal mess, is somehow responsible for the current situation because she didn't go back to talk when he called?

Are you on glue?

headinthecloud · 14/07/2017 07:53

He's massively over reacting on the situation and no way would I let him have DD overnight in the house because of resident parent issues I'd he won't give her back. Part of my feels this is pre meditated on his part.

Laura1206 · 14/07/2017 08:03

Your step daughter must be heartbroken. He's making this all about him. Do you trust him to give your 3yr old back if she does stay over?

ShatnersWig · 14/07/2017 08:11

No. I wouldn't have prior to this latest news but as others have said it's all about him, nothing about his daughter so this has only made me me convinced you should not go back to this man.

HurtleTheTurtle · 14/07/2017 08:19

Where did the DP kick them out? I thought they had chosen to leave already and were staying with the mum?

mygorgeousmilo · 14/07/2017 08:20

I just couldn't play happy families with an entitled misogynist. Where would your DSD be going while you kissed and made up? I really thought the update was going to say that he's realised the error of his ways and was begging for forgiveness from all of you. Had to be physically restrained?! He's a pig. How he can turn his back in his daughter is absolutely beyond all comprehension.

HipsterHunter · 14/07/2017 08:20

Hes a violent douch bag. Shame you didn't let your dad call the police.

yikesanotherbooboo · 14/07/2017 08:36

K the thing is that you knew how he would react i.e. What sort of person he is , when you first posted.
I can see that you are in a scary place with your life upside down through nothing at all that you have done. Your poor DSD must be feeling dreadful...
you are doing the only thing you can which is protecting and mothering your daughters.
In every situation I have seen like this the Neanderthal father repents ... falls in love with the baby and life goes on.
However if I were you ( and even more if I were DSD) I would feel wounded and even with forgiveness I would be unable to forget his selfishness and cruelty. It would be a 'black mark' on him that I would steel myself to live with but I don't think my marriage would ever be the same again.
You might feel that working towards forgiveness is worthwhile for the relationship you had and the life that you had envisaged for yourself and for little DD ,after all DSD is nearly an adult...
Would you feel that in the future you could trust him in a crisis? What about his attitude to your little one?
All of the above is also dependent on him being genuinely contrite and of course DSD being able to forgive him.
There is no back story or excuse for a
Youngish man of 43 to think and behave like this.
DSD has done nothing at all wrong unless we all now think that having sex at 17 is a crime. Every sexual encounter brings a risk of pregnancy ... what are his thought processes.
Poor girl,
Your instincts and actions have all been right so far ... your girls have a fantastically brave and moral Mum

steppemum · 14/07/2017 08:38

I followed your first thread, and I am so sad to see this update.

For me, protecting and helping your DSD, who is young, vulnerable and havign a life crisis is the priority.
He needs to understand that.
His daughter, who has lost her mum, and who only has him and you to turn to, has had to turn to you, her not blood relative, because her only blood relative is abandoning her.

I think I would be telling him, that he failure to be a Dad is the most unattractive thing in the world, and you do not want to be around him any more.

He has bailed out on hie responsibility to HIS daughter and left you to pick up the pieces.

For me, if he now came round, complete change of heart, admitted he had been an idiot, apologised and stepped up to the mark to support dd, then yes, I woudl forgive and try again with him.
As the situation stands, for me the marriage is over.

Noodoodle · 14/07/2017 08:38

God noI, he expects you to parent his dsd right, and treat her as your own? Either way you clearly are, more so than he is!

Initial upset, worry, disappointment for her even, (not in her), but this is her life and her choice. He should be supporting her like you are. I don't think I could separate the two, you're supposed to be a family. He's very very wrong here. And you have been amazing Flowers

GlitteryFluff · 14/07/2017 08:43

I'm not sure I could forgive. I'd have to have lots of proper conversations and for him to realise he's a cock, apologise etc before I'd even consider forgiving him.

steppemum · 14/07/2017 08:50

OP - can I ask where is this antagonism against pregnant teen coming from? Is it a cultural thing? From his family? From a religious belief? It is quite unusual these days

youngmum38 · 14/07/2017 08:50

This hit a real nerve with me. Nc for that reason.

I was this daughter you talk about many years ago. My dad did exactly the same and I was out on my ear. I was then left to bring up my baby at the time with no support. My mum died when I was younger and my dad told all my family to stop speaking to me including my younger brother and sister at the time.

Jump to when the baby's dad left me and he was back In touch, never the same though and always made me feel awful so I cut contact for my own sanity.

Years down the line I have 2 children..I suffered and struggled as did they and it's horrible.

You all need each other especially her. I'm hoping when he calms down he will come round..hugs

Loopytiles · 14/07/2017 08:57

Unforgiveable.

You have, rightly, protected DSD. Even if you could forgive and continue your relationship with him, which would be a very bad decision, having a relationship with DSD's abusive (in his recent actions - and you feared those actions which suggests there is history of him being a sexist, aggressive twat) father, when he has cut her out and sees no need to make amends, would be a massive betrayal of DSD.

PurplePeppers · 14/07/2017 09:02

To be able to forgive, he would need to make a huge U turn and show that, actually, he recognised he was being a twat, that he WILL support his dd (who only has him as ablood relative fgs!) and start stepping up as a PARENT.

Atm he doesn't seem to have done any of that and I wouldn't feel I can trust him again. Neither as a partner, nor as a father.

Thestarslookverydifferent · 14/07/2017 09:07

What's that telling your DSD.? I'll let 3 yo see him he loves her, but not you anymore. What /When will dd so to offend hi. And be cast aside. He's not fit to have any child

Thestarslookverydifferent · 14/07/2017 09:08

Dd do to offend him

TwattyvonTwatofTwatsville · 14/07/2017 09:10

The aggression, the phoning the police then trying to force himself into your parents house is worrying.

What is he like under normal circumstances OP? Has he ever displayed this sort of aggression before?

I grew up in a household with an ogre of a father - we all tip toed around him and I hated it. He shouted and made threats frequently. It has caused me many problems in later life. I used to wish my mother would leave him.

Only you know what he is really like. If this behaviour happens regularly then I think you need to ask yourself whether this is anyway to raise your daughter.

I also agree with the posters who point out he seems to see his DDs as possessions - one is 'faulty' so is discarded, the other to be fought over when he can't have her.

Be very careful what you do next. How is DSD? How upsetting for her.

Interesting that your father says he is never to come near him, your mother or their home again. What is their opinion of him, prior to this situation?

Xx

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