Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would be able to forgive my DH?

214 replies

K1092902 · 13/07/2017 23:46

I'm sure some of you will recognise me from my post from last weekend which is here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2973959-Found-a-positive-pregnancy-test-in-DSDs-bedroom-DH-will-want-her-out-What-the-fuck-do-I-do

Long story short: found a pregnancy test in one of DSDs drawers last week. She is pregnant and has decided to keep the baby. DH hit the roof the other day, resorting to phoning the police as I took DD with us to my mums. Police weren't interested but DH turned up in the middle of the night demanding to see 3yo DD and my dad has to physically restrain him to stop him entering the house. I begged my dad not to call the police and he didn't but has expressed that he does not want DH anywhere near him, mum or the house again.

DH called me this evening to ask if I would meet him for a drink to discuss things. He said he can't support DSD choices but doesn't see why our marriage should be affected. He has said he may in time come round to the idea of being a grandparent at this age (I'm 34 and he's 43) but "can't make any promoses". He doesn't seem to understand this is his daughter we are talking about.

I have agreed DD can go and stay with him over the weekend but I can't go back to him- can I??

OP posts:
Atenco · 14/07/2017 04:16

OP, you are way to much of a woman for a man like that. You are my hero, frankly.

her father's influence will be reduced and that will be a good thing

I agree. I had a macho father who did me the favour of leaving the family home when I was four. He went abroad so I didn't see much of him until I was sixteen, but when I did I realised how lucky I was to have grown up without him.

WannaBe · 14/07/2017 05:04

Usual hysteria on this thread.

The reality here is that his reaction isn't that uncommon, and chances are that if the dsd had gone back to talk to him when he called on monday night they probably would at least have reached middle ground by now, and things would likely have improved as the pregnancy progressed. But the op was being spurred on to leave because he is so abusive so she doesn't feel she can go back.

Only op can decide if she wants to stay or not, but anyone who thinks that this will reduce the influence this has on his daughter is delusional. Chances are the daughter will have made it up with him by the time the baby is born, and given he is the biological parent, the op is more likely to lose the relationship with her dsd.

And no court is going to reduce access to the three year old over an argument between adults.

If op ends her marriage then it needs to be for herself, not for others, because the only one likely to lose will be the op.

Namechangetempissue · 14/07/2017 05:07

Flowers OP.
No, it would be a deal breaker for me, like for many others on this thread. His treatment of his DD is so cruel in my opinion and I couldn’t get past that.
I'm not sure I would feel comfortable sending younger DD to stay with him in his current state either, but you know him best -is he likely to return her to you? The fact that your Dad had to contemplate calling the police due to his anger worries me.

eviethehamster · 14/07/2017 05:17

No.

anchor9 · 14/07/2017 05:18

this one is easy - I would ltb. he sounds horrid.

Babypassport · 14/07/2017 05:26

I'm torn. Your husband's reaction to the news and storming over to your dad's place was terrible behaviour.

But...

I keep thinking, as person after person calls him abusive or a child-napper in waiting, well if my partner reacted badly to something I said, took my child over to his family's house and then wouldn't let me in, I'd probably get irrationally angry too, despite knowing that the child was safe and being well cared for. For me I think it's a primitive need to be with my child that would override any social norms.

I'm not saying what he did was right AT ALL, and his reaction towards his older DD is completely off, but I'm not sure he's the monster some people are making him out to be.

Whatever happens, OP, both your daughters are very lucky to have you and I hope it turns out okay.

LML83 · 14/07/2017 05:39

Your husband has behaved badly but if he is a good dad and husband in every other way I would want to save my marriage.

I would meet him. Tell him you understand he is upset but you can't throw your dsd out it's not acceptable. You can work on marriage if he supports dsd.

Is he a good guy who acted badly? Or is he generally not a good guy?

tillytown · 14/07/2017 05:50

No, I wouldn't. He is throwing a temper tantrum and being ridiculous. If he hasn't apologised by now, he isn't going to, so why go back.

Fink · 14/07/2017 05:53

I would suggest staying with dd while he has contact. Not necessarily in the room at all times as it seems unlikely he'd do or say anything to harm her, but given his recent behaviour you need to make sure you can take her back to your parents a dd he doesn't try to keep her. Also it would give you time to pack some more stuff.

Neutrogena · 14/07/2017 06:09

Up to you OP - I think you should make your mind up yourself. As much as I love MN, it has a tendency to group think, so you only get one side of the story.

Why not talk to him when he has settled down and see what he is like then? He may be very apologetic and mortified by his own behaviour. Shock does funny things to people.

ChishandFips33 · 14/07/2017 06:14

Your marriage isn't suffering because of the pregnancy, it's suffering because of his reaction!

I think his age is significant to me - purely because he was her age when he fathered her (or slightly younger at conception) so he's being a twat hypocritical for that alone

In my head, by kicking her out/disowning her/saying she's thrown her life away is saying that's how he felt when she came along

That's a double kick in the teeth for DSD!

I would be tempted to explore (unless you know already) what the reaction was when his parents found out he was to be a father

If he was kicked out/disowned he could be of the state of mind of 'why should I help, no one supported us back then' or is parenting the way he was parented. This is not an excuse but a source of information to get him to see a different way.

I couldn't go back/forgive at this stage. It would be reinforcing his appalling behaviour

You have been amazingly strong on so many levels Flowers

If you can step up as a step mum and your parents as no blood relation then why shouldn't her father be able to put his own daughters needs before his own

Don't back down

NameChange30 · 14/07/2017 06:15

No, I wouldn't forgive him. Mainly because from what you've said, it sounds as if his behaviour isn't particularly out of character? It does depend on his past behaviour and the relationship as a whole. But my gut instinct would be not to stay with a man who would throw out his pregnant daughter in anger. (Encouraging and supporting her to find her own place to live would be different.)

RainbowJack
"TBF I didn't read the entire thread"
FFS. The arrogance of someone who broadcasts their opinions on a situation without even bothering to read all the information! I suggest you go back and read all the OP's posts. Until you've done that your posts are pointless.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 14/07/2017 06:17

Absolutely not. He's unhinged, you and your children are better off without him.

SomeonesRealName · 14/07/2017 06:21

I don't think we should be alarmist about the contact between the DD and her father. When I left my ex I got into a right state - and I mean seriously ill- worrying about all that having read horror stories on the internet. There are some exceptions but unless there's some other woman in the background who's going to be complicit and doing the actual childcare (MIL?) the vast majority of abusive men aren't all that into looking after small children, so they tend to give them back so they can go to the gym, work, golf course, chase women, whatever.

AdalindSchade · 14/07/2017 06:23

he was her age when he fathered her (or slightly younger at conception)

43-18 = 25

NameChange30 · 14/07/2017 06:27

There is a big difference between 18 and 25. A 25 year old will probably have finished education, have a paid job, and live in their own place rather than with parents.

Not defending him, just saying that if I had a daughter who got pregnant at 18, I'd be less thrilled than if she was 25.

ChishandFips33 · 14/07/2017 06:31

Doh!! 🙈 Big fat fail on the maths there!!!

Ignore my post please OP, not relevant in the slightest - Will not post so early in the morning

notomatoes · 14/07/2017 06:33

rainbowjack is wrong. I grew up with an angry and aggressive father. The best thing he ever did was leave and not look back.

I can't imagine continuing to love a man that would turn away a young vulnerable woman, his own daughter, when she really needs him. He doesn't have to financially support her, he doesn't have to let her live with him, but to not be there emotionally for her is unforgivable in my eyes.

ShizeItsWeegie · 14/07/2017 06:35

I think that you have to take into consideration what you actually put in your original thread. Even in the title you put that DH will want her out if I remember correctly? I don't think I would have done the runner to the GP's if I'm honest because although you suspected he would go nuclear, he hasn't had a chance to prove you wrong has he? How much of his aggression is the doing a runner and how much of it is because he was in receipt of (what he perceived as) bad news? Only you know him and can answer this OP BUT remember you are aware enough of his poor behaviour to know from the outset that he would be likely to chuck his own child out so I guess you have to decide if you can live with him going forward or not? I think I would have already gone before now, knowing what you already knew so this might be the straw that breaks the camel's back. I think I would end the marriage for all of it, not just this. What PP's have said is dead right. If he treats his daughter from his previous marriage this way, he will do it to your DD too and for this realisation alone, I think I would separate. He may well come around to the idea of being a GP but he could do all that coming around, well away from me.

PoorYorick · 14/07/2017 06:36

No, I can't forgive a man who disowns his own daughter for being pregnant. There's no way I could be married to someone like that.

HashiAsLarry · 14/07/2017 06:41

No, I couldn't.

Definitely agree with the others that at the moment he's not appropriate to be around your DD, at least not unsupervised. Your dad has just had to physically restrain him as his temper got too much as you'd left. It was 3 am, he wasn't thinking of what was best for DD was he?

Call women's aid, and call the police to get them to log that incident. Do not let DD near him until you can be satisfied his temper is controlable

DameDeDoubtance · 14/07/2017 06:42

I wouldn't stay with someone who had such a low opinion of women and fails to support his daughter. How on earth could you even consider it? You have another child, you can't possibly think it's a good idea to raise them with this twat?

Notreallyarsed · 14/07/2017 06:44

OP I've read both threads, you have been incredible all the way through this situation. Your instincts to protect your DD and be there for and protect your DSD were spot on. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but what I will say is, trust your own instinct, it hasn't let you down yet, don't doubt yourself now.

justilou · 14/07/2017 06:50

I think you need to ask yourself whether you would trust him to have your back, or your younger daughter's if either of you did something that disappointed him. How would you feel if he ditched your little one as easily as he did your stepdaughter? I would be on tenterhooks constantly with someone who behaves like this.

Fadingmemory · 14/07/2017 06:57

The OP asked about forgiving her husband... If he calms down and begins to think about the well-being of his pregnant daughter, his 3 year old daughter and his wife and acts accordingly to support all three of them then forgiving him might be possible. If, however, he continues to insist that his pregnant daughter is not welcome in "his" house, behaves as though his 3 year old daughter is a possession and cannot give his wife any credit or help in being a fantastic support to his 18 year old daughter, then forgiveness would appear nigh on impossible.

I have never been in such a combination of circumstances. Clearly OP's pregnant stepdaughter has support from OP and OP's parents who are currently providing them with somewhere to live. OP needs to be certain that if he sees his three year old who may be missing him badly he will not then try to keep her away from her mother, stepsister and grandparents. How OP could do so is difficult - is her H someone who once he agrees to something will stick to it or will he persist is pursuing what he wants at everyone else's "expense"? Ultimately the best situation would be for H to calm down, rationalise, apologise profusely to his 18 year old daughter and begin to be a supportivefather and husband so that the family could possibly be reunited. It is up to him whether or not moves are made for that to happen. I sincerely hope that there is no escalation to divorce but if OP's H will not moderate his attitudes or his behaviour there may be no other way.

Good luck OP