My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

To ask if you would be able to forgive my DH?

214 replies

K1092902 · 13/07/2017 23:46

I'm sure some of you will recognise me from my post from last weekend which is here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2973959-Found-a-positive-pregnancy-test-in-DSDs-bedroom-DH-will-want-her-out-What-the-fuck-do-I-do

Long story short: found a pregnancy test in one of DSDs drawers last week. She is pregnant and has decided to keep the baby. DH hit the roof the other day, resorting to phoning the police as I took DD with us to my mums. Police weren't interested but DH turned up in the middle of the night demanding to see 3yo DD and my dad has to physically restrain him to stop him entering the house. I begged my dad not to call the police and he didn't but has expressed that he does not want DH anywhere near him, mum or the house again.

DH called me this evening to ask if I would meet him for a drink to discuss things. He said he can't support DSD choices but doesn't see why our marriage should be affected. He has said he may in time come round to the idea of being a grandparent at this age (I'm 34 and he's 43) but "can't make any promoses". He doesn't seem to understand this is his daughter we are talking about.

I have agreed DD can go and stay with him over the weekend but I can't go back to him- can I??

OP posts:
Report
Willow2017 · 14/07/2017 12:21

wanna
He didn't want his eldest daughter to go back at all he ordered op to return home with the you fest daughter. Eldest daughter was thrown out not to return.

Phoning the police on op as she wouldn't go home.

Arriving at ops parents house in the middle of the night getting violent.

Yes all these are normal reactions of a reasonable man!

The marriage isn't at risk because of dsd bring pregnant but because the man wants control over op and youngest dd as he has lost it over dsd. Because of his ridiculous attitude and his aggression at parents house in the middle of the night. How on earth is that going to persuade anyone he is going to be reasonable in any discussion?

Report
ScrommidgeClaryAndSpunt · 14/07/2017 12:31

"doesn't see why [your] marriage should be affected"

Translation: I have the right to behave as badly as I please whenever I please about whatever I please and you will sit there and suck it all up.

Nah, don't fancy that, ta.

I wouldn't go back and I wouldn't let him see your DD, OP. He doesn;t sound like he's safe to be around.

Report
DotForShort · 14/07/2017 12:33

If I were in this situation (hypothetically), I don't think I could forgive him.

Report
innagazing · 14/07/2017 12:38

He has been very cruel to his daughter, who lost her mother a few years back. He really hasn't thought this through at all has he? Even if he does reach a point sometime in the future where he 'comes round' (doubtful though) his daughter is very likely and understandably going to tell him to get lost. Dsd has probably never needed the support of her dad as much as she does now, and he chooses not to give it to her
Either way, this issue will not go away, and op is going to be in the middle of it, if she stays with twat husband, and always fearing for her own dd when she gets older and does something that he doesn't approve of.
I just can't see the marriage being able to continue in a positive way. If Op thinks there may be a chance she wants to stay with her husband, then maybe he could move out of the home and have some counselling to help him look at his belief systems and his behaviours, and gain some more insight into himself. Maybe then, the marriage could be rebuilt on a different basis, culminating in him moving back in some time in the future, or not, as the case may be.

Report
DontMentionTheWar · 14/07/2017 12:58

In my opinion, this is how angry, sexist men behave. I am the grandchild of a man like this, my mother got pregnant as a teenager and he went berserk and threw her out (well, he threw both of us out) because she refused to have an abortion. He had always been an angry, macho man. He and my grandmother - who wasn't like you OP - had nothing to do with my mother and I for six years. When my mother married my stepfather we became 'respectable' again and they wanted to be back in our lives and pretend they were marvellous grandparents. They swept all that went before under the carpet, never apologised and never spoke of it again. Worse than that they tried to squeeze my paternal grandparents - who had supported us - out of my life.

I never forgave them. My mother is a damaged and difficult woman and I blame them for a lot of it. I have been no contact with the lot of them for over a decade now because I really can't play happy families with people who treated me as some dirty secret to be ashamed of and then never apologised or said they had been wrong to do that.

The irony is that they married when my grandmother was eight months pregnant.

Report
JustDontGetItAtAll · 14/07/2017 13:04

Why does the OP keep abandoning the threads?!

Report
NameChange30 · 14/07/2017 13:06

She hasn't necessarily abandoned the thread Hmm She has a 3yo DD to look after and her DSD to support. She might not always have time to update the thread and she doesn't owe us an update anyway. Some people seem to think she does.

Report
SnickersWasAHorse · 14/07/2017 13:07

No way could I forgive him.
To be disappointed, to not want her to keep the baby fair enough. But you still support her and love her.

Report
Atenco · 14/07/2017 15:42

Why does the OP keep abandoning the threads?!

I think she has her answer, which quite a life-changing answer at that. Is there any need for her to come back?

Report
Notreallyarsed · 14/07/2017 16:10

Why does the OP keep abandoning the threads?!

Because her life just fell apart and she's got her hands full with a wee one and a pregnant stepdaughter. Oh, and she doesn't owe us anything. She asked, we answered. We don't own her.

Report
KarmaNoMore · 14/07/2017 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Silverdream · 14/07/2017 16:27

My concern is that his thoughts seem to be entirely about him. What would happen if your child together got into trouble when older. Will he just discard her too if life goes a bit pear shaped.
I think you all need time to think. Decisions don't have to be made now. He may have had a terrible reaction and feel remorseful later on but his priority should be to help his D and mend his relationship with her.
Is his feelings normally just about how he feels or is this very different.

Report
DeadGood · 14/07/2017 16:52

"Your step daughter lost her mum at a young age, has been dumped and deserted by the father of her baby and her own father wants to forget her. How lonely and scared must she feel right now? Your husband is a disgrace knowing what his daughter has been through he would happily leave her on her own."

Agree with all of this.
Fucking unbelievable. I could not forgive this.

Report
Cagliostro · 14/07/2017 16:54

I don't think I could forgive

Report
FetchezLaVache · 14/07/2017 17:05

I would only consider forgiving him if his reaction was utterly out of character, just a heat of the moment thing and he more or less immediately backed down, apologising profusely to his daughter and assuring her of his unstinting love and support.

He's not apologised, he's not changed his position, he still won't support DSD and the fact you predicted exactly what he'd do when he found out suggests that this is not out of character. He's effectively asking you to choose between him and DSD and she needs you far more than he does, the poor love.

Report
Orangetoffee · 14/07/2017 17:05

I have read the linked thread and a few of your other ones and his attitude towards both his older daughters is worrying, he doesn't seem to like them very much or regard them as individuals.

I wouldn't be able to forgive him.

Report
Eolian · 14/07/2017 18:27

I wouldn't want to stay married to a man who had these kinds of views and attitudes about women, families, relationships and teenage pregnancies in general, never mind one who behaved like this towards his own child in a real life situation. I wouldn't care whether he apologised or calmed down afterwards or not - he has shown his true colours.

Report
DrHorribletookmycherry · 14/07/2017 18:43

A no from me. There are many compelling reasons on this thread, I wont rake them all up. But if you have enough doubts to be pondering this over and again on the internet looking for support or agreement. You don't need it. He's not living up to the husband you expect. That's really enough without his casual verbal assaults and physical threats. He's not good enough.
You can comfortably feel that without needing to back it up.

Report
ArchieStar · 14/07/2017 23:13

Only you know whether you actually or not OP.

Report
MissJSays · 14/07/2017 23:32

Can't believe he's reacted in this way! Poor DSD, thank goodness she has you and your mum

Report
teazle · 14/07/2017 23:40

I agree with everyone else who is horrified at his reaction and impressed by yours.

As to whether to forgive him, my view is a bit more moderate. I think it depends on how he normally is as a father and husband, and on his reaction over the next few days. As we have heard on these threads, it is not uncommon to over-react to this news. If he is usually kind, and can get over this reaction, apologize profusely and try to make amends then you will probably all be better off if you can forgive him. However, only you know whether he is someone who can move on from this and be a positive influence in all your lives.

Report
WhereYouLeftIt · 15/07/2017 00:28

"I have agreed DD can go and stay with him over the weekend"
No. Just no. He sounds unstable, calling the police because you moved out and turning up in the middle of the night. I would worry about him refusing to return your 3-year-old, just to punish you.

And next time - because I think we can be pretty sure there will be a next time - don't stop your dad calling the police.

Report
NoFucksImAQueen · 15/07/2017 13:45

It must be really tough on you op. I suppose the worry is always there that further down the line he will come around to the idea and dsd will forgive him because he is her dad and you'll feel like through doing the right thing you've lost your marriage.
I know in reality it's not as simple as that but it may feel like that to you.
How are you feeling op?

Report
K1092902 · 15/07/2017 23:03

Hi everyone. Sorry I haven't been back had a very hectic week.

Things seem to have settled down a bit. DSD is feeling better now she has told us and knows that she has a lot of support behind her. Returned to work today after a week off and seems to of gotten through it unscathed. She is having a meeting with her manager on Monday to let her know she is pregnant and to make arrangements with regards to work duties etc.

DH left well alone until last night and I agreed that DD could stay the night provided my mum slept downstairs on the couch and they would have plenty of alone time together. Seemed satisfied with that and mum hasn't brought her back so assuming all OK and will see them both in the morning. Provided he does this for a couple of weeks then I will feel comfortable to allow him to see her alone for an hour or two and build it up. Told him I need some time apart from him to decide what I want to do and told him he needs to sit down and think about what he has said

I guess only time will tell. Thank you all for your su0pprt Flowers

OP posts:
Report
Italiangreyhound · 15/07/2017 23:20

Well done. You are coping well.

In any circumstances your husband has behaved appallingly. However, knowing your dad lost her own mum four years, it I'd his sheer cruelty and thoughtlessness that 'shines' through this whole thing.

Well done for looking after your dad, her mother would be so proud of you andbhee and so grateful. Flowers

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.