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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would be able to forgive my DH?

214 replies

K1092902 · 13/07/2017 23:46

I'm sure some of you will recognise me from my post from last weekend which is here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2973959-Found-a-positive-pregnancy-test-in-DSDs-bedroom-DH-will-want-her-out-What-the-fuck-do-I-do

Long story short: found a pregnancy test in one of DSDs drawers last week. She is pregnant and has decided to keep the baby. DH hit the roof the other day, resorting to phoning the police as I took DD with us to my mums. Police weren't interested but DH turned up in the middle of the night demanding to see 3yo DD and my dad has to physically restrain him to stop him entering the house. I begged my dad not to call the police and he didn't but has expressed that he does not want DH anywhere near him, mum or the house again.

DH called me this evening to ask if I would meet him for a drink to discuss things. He said he can't support DSD choices but doesn't see why our marriage should be affected. He has said he may in time come round to the idea of being a grandparent at this age (I'm 34 and he's 43) but "can't make any promoses". He doesn't seem to understand this is his daughter we are talking about.

I have agreed DD can go and stay with him over the weekend but I can't go back to him- can I??

OP posts:
BigDamnHero · 14/07/2017 06:57

If he'd shown true remorse for his ridiculous reaction and if he hadn't done the whole ridiculous calling the police and showing up in the middle of the night business then I think I could have forgiven.

But he's still being a dick to both you and both his kids so I absolutely would not forgive him, no.

Sorry, OP.

ItsNachoCheese · 14/07/2017 06:59

I wouldnt be able to but i appreciate everyone is different

user1497557435 · 14/07/2017 07:01

You can't stop him from wanting to see his youngest child but his general behaviour is awful - you should have reported the assault to the police. Give him the space to be on his own to reflect - you've both made your views known to each other - there may be no way back for your marriage - or he may in time see how unreasonable he's being. It's not going to be a quick fix though. You must record and/or report all unreasonable behaviour just in case you need it in the future.

MyOtherProfile · 14/07/2017 07:03

Are you going to meet him for a drink?

rainbowduck · 14/07/2017 07:07

You can have my first LTB.

I am so sorry OP, I remember your first thread. The fact that you both anticipated this reaction, and he behaved exactly as you expected says a lot.

To turn up at your parents demanding to see DD is one thing, but in the wee hours of the morning??? No way!

He has now managed to even upset your dad to the point where it got physical and your own father doesn't want the father of his grandchild anywhere near them or their house ever again.

I understand that this is a difficult time for him, however, he is an adult and this situation is entirely down to his reactions.

Thank goodness your DSD has you. She will need lots of love and support. X

TheSparrowhawk · 14/07/2017 07:08

Your viewpoint is really bizarre Rainbow Jack - you seem to be saying that it's fine for the dad to reject his own child when she needs him but it's not fine for the OP to reject him? That he can turn his back on his DD but the OP mustn't turn her back on him? WTF? Why?

You seem to think it's perfectly normal and acceptable for a parent to treat their child like shit if the child does something the parent doesn't agree with. And you also seem to think that the family must then nod and smile and ignore it. What a truly odd way to live. This is in no way equivalent to people ignoring the racist uncle (which I don't agree with either btw) because this is not some old fart spouting nonsense, this is a father refusing to help his daughter and his future grandchild.

thegirlupnorth · 14/07/2017 07:08

I'd be trying to find out why his irrational fear of being a grandparent is stemmed from.

I'd also go back home with the DC and tell him to leave until he can be a proper father and gfather!

How is you DSD coping?

OnionKnight · 14/07/2017 07:09

I wouldn't forgive him unless he shows genuine remorse.

Although I do think that the hysteria in the original thread didn't help with the OP's thinking process, sending the SD away instead of biting the bullet and telling the husband as quickly as possible etc.

requestingsunshine · 14/07/2017 07:14

I couldn't forgive someone who would turn their back on their own daughter.

I can understand he is less than thrilled at the news, but to actually turn her out is truly shocking. And to be clear HIS actions have split up his family and HIS actions alone. You are amazing op and he is a total fool to lose you.

Is this some kind of religious or cultural thing driving his insane behaviour? Because I just can't get my head around how anyone can do that. Not that religion or culture would justify it but might explain why he's being such a complete and utter dick. I know different people have different values, but fucking hell. To put those above your own childs life and wellbeing is disgusting. Regardless, I can't see how you can go back to someone like that.

Smilingthru · 14/07/2017 07:16

What an arse!! His DD needs him more now than ever! I'd be sticking by DSD and showing him the door! X

pilotswife · 14/07/2017 07:19

My first every LTB too !
And I think your father is a complete legend
You are too for supporting your step daughter.

XJerseyGirlX · 14/07/2017 07:21

He sounds like someone that will only be " supportive" if it's a good "proud" situation. Basically he will kick you when your down. Your poor dsd and dd having a dad like that. So he is happy for your parents I pick up the slack and look after dsd? Poor girl lost her mother a few years ago, he is a nasty man. Imagine what he would have done If you had brought your dd out at 3am scary man , ltb op xxx

Glumglowworm · 14/07/2017 07:25

Nope I couldn't be with someone who would treat their child like that. Not to mention I'd worry about how he'd treat your DD in the future if she isn't his idea of perfect

silkybear · 14/07/2017 07:27

No. From reading your first thread I thought you sounded like a fantastic step mum. He sounds like a dick. Be a role model for her and get rid of him, she is going to need support and that means being on her side.

user7680 · 14/07/2017 07:28

Your such a great step mother though.....my step mother was horrible

Maryz · 14/07/2017 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sparklefarts · 14/07/2017 07:31

Nope. Couldn't forgive this

KarmaNoMore · 14/07/2017 07:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohfourfoxache · 14/07/2017 07:34

K I'm so sorry, I know you don't want to hear this. But there is no way on this earth that I'd be able to forgive him.

The love you have for your kids is (supposed to be) unconditional. And in the grand scheme of things, pregnancy is not a big deal. It's not as though she murdered anyone, is it?

So for him to have reacted like that, especially when you knew he would, says a lot about what type of person he is. And personally I couldn't cope with that.

If this has happened and you weren't around, dsd would have no one. Think what it would be like, being completely abandoned by your own family when being so vulnerable.

So anyway no, I couldn't forgive. Possibly ever. And I couldn't understand either. I'm sorry Thanks

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 14/07/2017 07:35

He's 34. She's 18, so he became a father at 16? I can understand his reticence for history to repeat it's self.

however the best start this unborn babe will have is stability and a supportive family. It's all very well your DH throwing his toys out of the pram over this but what is done is done, it's time to knuckle down and make the best of an unfortunate set of circumstances.

May I ask if the birth mother has made a success of her life, presumably she was very young when your DSD was born.

HurtleTheTurtle · 14/07/2017 07:36

I don't think your daughter's relationship should suffer. She has done nothing wrong. Not sure why posters are saying that she shouldn't stay with - this must be incredibly traumatic for her and has come at an age where attachment, or chaotic attachments, can have lifelong consequences.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 14/07/2017 07:36

I'm worried about you and your dd. I wouldn't be handing her over. See a solicitor.

Ronnyhotdog · 14/07/2017 07:38

I'm sorry about how things are working out. My mum and dad became gps at the age of 36 & 43 when my sister became pregnant. My dad reacted in a similar way and there was signs of aggression in slamming doors, lots of shouting. He did come round after the shock had worn off and he loves being a grandad. I also got pregnant at 17, he didn't speak to me for about 4 months, I remember tryinging to tell him about my scan and he just walked out of the house but again by the time ds1 was born he was ready to be a brilliant grandad. Ds1 is 18 now and has a great relationship with his grandad.
My dad is now a great grandad and is enjoying running around after a toddler again. His brother has just become a grandad for the 1st time and he's realised being a young grandad has had a positive effect on his life.
The aggression is wrong and hard to forgive, it's something I won't forget but we've moved on from it. His reaction whilst also wrong is a gut reaction. Give him time to get his head round it, if you need to take that time apart do it but don't end your marriage based on his initial reaction. Just to reiterate the aggression is a dick move and I'm not condoning that at all, I don't have a great relationship with my dad because if it.
I Hope your dsd is ok, she's very lucky to have you fighting her corner.

Troels · 14/07/2017 07:39

He's 43, the OP is 34.
I think he needs to calm down before having the 3 year old for the weekend.
He also needs to let you and the girls go home and he move somewhere else.
He's a complete knob. What happens if little Dd get pregnant at 18 too, is he going to go ballistic and dump her too.

IAmNotAWitch · 14/07/2017 07:40

Aggression and violence at your 18 year old daughter being pregnant is a bizarre, ridiculous and frankly frightening overreaction.

I would be wary of him having your little DD on the weekend because he may well decide not to return her and there will not be much you can do about it, I believe Maryz is correct in that if he then has your DD in the house you will have effectively left her there and he will be resident parent.

Be very very careful now, you should have let your Dad call the police.

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