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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would be able to forgive my DH?

214 replies

K1092902 · 13/07/2017 23:46

I'm sure some of you will recognise me from my post from last weekend which is here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2973959-Found-a-positive-pregnancy-test-in-DSDs-bedroom-DH-will-want-her-out-What-the-fuck-do-I-do

Long story short: found a pregnancy test in one of DSDs drawers last week. She is pregnant and has decided to keep the baby. DH hit the roof the other day, resorting to phoning the police as I took DD with us to my mums. Police weren't interested but DH turned up in the middle of the night demanding to see 3yo DD and my dad has to physically restrain him to stop him entering the house. I begged my dad not to call the police and he didn't but has expressed that he does not want DH anywhere near him, mum or the house again.

DH called me this evening to ask if I would meet him for a drink to discuss things. He said he can't support DSD choices but doesn't see why our marriage should be affected. He has said he may in time come round to the idea of being a grandparent at this age (I'm 34 and he's 43) but "can't make any promoses". He doesn't seem to understand this is his daughter we are talking about.

I have agreed DD can go and stay with him over the weekend but I can't go back to him- can I??

OP posts:
MummysBusy · 14/07/2017 00:08

I wouldn't let my 3yr old round there till he had calmed down, in case he felt like playing silly buggers and kept her there.

That was my first thought also.

PeterReidFaePeterheid · 14/07/2017 00:09

Out of interest rainbow what part do you agree with?

The disowning his daughter part?

Or are you empathising in some way with him wishing his DD had not got pregnant, yet choosing to ignore all the other parts.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 14/07/2017 00:11

I couldn't forgive my DH if he turned his back on one of the children, no matter what the reason Sad I can understand that he's disappointed by her getting pregnant young etc, but she is his daughter and needs support more than ever...
As pp have said, this could be your joint DD one day too.
He is showing his true colours and is coming up lacking.

MsPavlichenko · 14/07/2017 00:12

No. Ha controlling, abusive man. Your own DF had to prevent him being violent towards you last weekend. Call WA to get some advice, and also speak to a lawyer. You have seen how he is towards your poor DSD, why in God's name are you giving him access to your DD?

Wake up, don't tell yourself he's a great Dad, he wouldn't damage your DD. Look at what he is doing/has done to your DSD. Ask yourself why your Dad has reacted the way he has. Get rid. Reclaim your life, and show your DSD and DD how to live, and what not to accept.

StatelessPrincess · 14/07/2017 00:13

No, don't go back to him. He's awful and the worst part is he can't even see it. You are clearly worth so much more and your DD and DSD are better off without his influence.

Liiinoo · 14/07/2017 00:17

OP. Your DSD is lucky to have you. Her dad/your DH seems like a very selfish and self centred man in many ways and you are lucky to have the choice to walk away.

PerspicaciaTick · 14/07/2017 00:19

Your poor DSD. Two men who have both let her down immensely when she really needed them. A lover who has disappeared when faced with becoming a father and a father who wishes his DD would disappear rather than have to face being a grandfather.

Cowards. Selfish cowards. Making it all about them, what they want and how they feel.

Lweji · 14/07/2017 00:21

No, don't go back.
And I wouldn't let him have the weekend with 3 year old just yet.
Where's your DSD now?

iogo · 14/07/2017 00:22

I wouldn't take him back. Your marriage "Doesn't have to suffer" because his DD is pregnant, it has suffered because he's shown you who he is and his attitude to his children.

How is your DSD?

StaplesCorner · 14/07/2017 00:24

I would have been interested to hear how he excused his behaviour, including freaking out to your poor Dad, but curiosity aside, I am so sorry but no, you can't.

And I wouldn't let him see DD for the time being until you have consulted solicitor etc., he sounds like he can justify anything to himself.

IStoleDipsysHat · 14/07/2017 00:29

No you can't go back.
His reaction to his daughter being pregnant and you leaving with his other daughter tells me he sees them as his and his alone. His possessions and when possessions are taken away from you, you call the police to report them stolen. When possessions stop working as you would like them to they are discarded. This will apply to you as well OP.
Your Dd was being well looked after by you at her grandparents and he rang the police about that and turned up being aggressive. You should have allowed your father to call the police. He doesn't trust your judgement, to the extent that he called the police when you took matters into your own hands and went against him.
How can you possibly rebuild that level of a betrayal of trust?
These were all his actions, your actions were also prompted by his actions and statements about what his actions would be. This is all on him.

IStoleDipsysHat · 14/07/2017 00:31

Given that he sees people as possessions I wouldn't be allowing him to have access until there is some legal framework in place. This can be done relatively quickly though.

JennyLane · 14/07/2017 00:32

No. Just no.
Your dsd is so lucky to have you. If you were 15 years in the future and this was happening to your daughter, what would you do/feel.

BeaderBird · 14/07/2017 00:32

He honestly sounds like an aggressive, immature, selfish and volatile person. I certainly wouldn't be going be going back to a man that could treat his daughter the way he is.

BackAwayFatty · 14/07/2017 00:34

I could never forgive him for turning his back on DSD!

Itscurtainsforyou · 14/07/2017 00:37

I'm afraid I'd struggle to stay with a man who treated his daughter like that. I'm sorry op.

Twillow · 14/07/2017 00:39

No. I think he needs a lot more space and time to think about what he is losing by being so unreasonable - his wife, and two daughters. Her life her choice. Parents role to support not choose.
You are an amazing person, she is lucky.
When I was unexpectedly pregnant my parents were clearly shocked and worried, but did not pressurise me into any decision. Despite that, I do wish they had shown some happiness as I was happy. It resulted in my having an abortion which I deeply regretted and caused me a lot of suffering, although it was probably the right thing in the circumstances.

LilaBard · 14/07/2017 00:44

I could almost understand him taking it badly initially, it was a shock for all of you, but his aggression and behaviour afterwards were unacceptable. I agree with PP who said he sees daughters as his possessions. As for "coming round" - why is he making it about him! He should be putting his feelings aside to support his daughter, who is having to make some very grown up decisions at a young age. I'm afraid I'm of the opinion he has shown you his true colours here. Better to give both your daughters a good male role model in the shape of your own father than this waste of space.

Lynnm63 · 14/07/2017 00:44

No. I too would be very wary of letting your 3 yr old back there too. He might come round to being a grandfather. That's big of him, he will be a grandfather whether he likes it or not. He might not have a relationship with his daughter or granddaughter but none of this is under his control. The sooner he realises that the better.
I'd find it very hard to forgive him if I was your dsd.

mathanxiety · 14/07/2017 00:49

He sort of realises he has been a complete twat. However, he cannot bring himself to apologise to anyone.

And this Only thing is, he's not prepared to budge an inch, but is suddenly realising that it's going to take some machinations to get his end away with you again [PickAChew]

How do you like the idea of having any gesture of reconciliation on your part being taken as an indication that he has carte blanche to behave like a baboon on speed in the future?
Because that is how any gesture on your part is going to be taken. He will breathe a huge sigh of relief that he has got away with unspeakable behaviour.

Aggressive, immature, selfish and volatile - YYY to all of that, and I would add entitled misogynist.

His reaction to his daughter being pregnant and you leaving with his other daughter tells me he sees them as his and his alone. His possessions and when possessions are taken away from you, you call the police to report them stolen. When possessions stop working as you would like them to they are discarded. This will apply to you as well OP. [IStoleDipsysHat]

I agree with all of that, and I also think you should have allowed your father to call the police. It is natural to think you can control the situation and to fear things getting completely out of hand if other parties get involved, but this is how many abusive individuals continue to damage those around them for long periods.

I would be very hesitant to let DD spend the weekend with him.

It's not too late to report the incident at your dad and mum's house; either you or they could do it. You were a witness.

Contact Women's Aid, and ask them if they can refer you to a good lawyer.

DesperatelySeekingSushi · 14/07/2017 00:51

No I'm sorry, you can't.
You both have to be on the same page.
He needs to apologize to his daughter and to your family and to you.
I could not live with someone who would throw their own daughter under the bus.
Furthermore I would not have your other DD stay over there either.
I didn't broach this on your other thread (scared of the backlash) but you had talked about planning another baby.
Would it not have been a possibility for you and your husband to have brought up your grandchild together so that your stepdaughter could study/go to uni/further her career? (This only works with complete transparency and if stepdaughter wanted it, but I have seen that family model before whereby the child knew who their mum was and had a relationship with them but was raised by their grandparents while mum was at uni). Clearly that crossed my mind before your dh proved he was a twunt...Sad

VeuveLilies · 14/07/2017 00:53

I read the thread about your dsd and was shocked at his reaction, but hoped he would realise the error of his ways. What is worrying now is a middle of the night drama demanding to see his daughter. That's unstable behaviour, very concerning.
What was his behaviour like before this crisis?
You were very quick to assume what his response would be to his dd's news and that your relationship would be over. Can you explain why?

Lynnm63 · 14/07/2017 00:54

I meant grandchild not granddaughter. I came across all Mystic Meg predicting the unborn child's sex! 😳

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 14/07/2017 00:55

It's one thing to be floored by your teenage daughter falling pregnant. It's white another to disown her, make you compelled to leave you and your daughter's home and seek refuge at your parents.

Being a parent isn't like picking from a selection box ; you do it ALL , the good the bad and the ugly. Just as you have done.

Personally I couldn't hold him in anywhere near the kind of regard necessary for sustaining a marriage.

Furthermore based on his unpredictable and aggressive behaviour since he was told this piece of news I would NOT leave your daughter there for a full weekend.

I think you need to seek some legal advice and tell him to keep his distance. He does not sound stable.

thequeenoftarts · 14/07/2017 00:56

Just remember that possession is 9/10's of the law, he couldn't do anything about you taking your daughter away the other night, nor will you get her back without a long fight if he decides to play the revenge card over the weekend and keep her.....Just food for thought...

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