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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I'm not, but WWYD

200 replies

riskyshift · 12/07/2017 23:17

BF of over a year, met online. Have had a good year, some hiccups, but just found out something that I'm not enjoying.....

He said in his profile that he was an age that was 7 years older than me. Not a problem. But I stumbled upon some information that actually makes him 16 years older than me. Um, yes this would be a problem.

I feel robbed of the decision over whether or not to date someone that much older. If I had been faced with it at the beginning, I would have instantly friendzoned him.

We still get on as well, I am still drawn to him, but - oh my god - 16 years!!!

He does not know that I know. Yet. Is this something that can just be swept under the carpet?

OP posts:
lilydaisyrose · 12/07/2017 23:20

What age are you?

Do you want children? Does he have children?

RainbowPastel · 12/07/2017 23:21

The age gap wouldn't bother me but the lying would put me off completely.

MaisieDotes · 12/07/2017 23:21

This happened to my friend. She found his passport when they were on a weekend away. He tried to lie even then, saying it was an error.

She went on to marry him and have DC. Seems fine so far.

CookieLady · 12/07/2017 23:22

That's quite a big thing to lie about IMHO. It would make me wonder what else he's been lying about.

Original poster
riskyshift · 12/07/2017 23:23

No, no children would be in the equation. I agree, the lie is terrible. But this was how he presented himself, and I guess he just didn't find the right time to set me straight.

OP posts:
MadMags · 12/07/2017 23:23

12 year age gap here.

But the lying would put me right off.

Original poster
riskyshift · 12/07/2017 23:25

Yes, also wonder about what else too

OP posts:
KnockMeDown · 12/07/2017 23:25

What age is he? Why is he lying about his age? If he is lying about this, what else is he lying about?

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 12/07/2017 23:27

It would be the lie for me too.
Lies about small things frighten me because it usually means their entire life is a sham.

Birdsgottaf1y · 12/07/2017 23:29

I'd start to reconsider some of the other hiccups and then decide.

Personally, he have to have very good plus points for me to continue with. In my experience there is never just the one lie.

Madbum · 12/07/2017 23:29

Starting a relationship on a lie (I pretty big one too) is never a good thing. Whilst the age gap wouldn't deter me in itself, the lying would.
Bin him off.

EasterRobin · 12/07/2017 23:31

People are often a bit misleading in their online profiles, but keeping up the pretence when they've decided they'd like to have an actual relationship with you is very concerning.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/07/2017 23:33

The lying would probably be a deal breaker for me. I'd certainly want an explanation.

GlitteryFluff · 12/07/2017 23:34

I agree with pp - the lie is a big deal!

EasterRobin · 12/07/2017 23:35

Has he been making an effort to hide it? Have you met his suspiciously older friends and family?

Original poster
riskyshift · 12/07/2017 23:35

I feel robbed of 10 years. I am not concerned too much about the age gap now - but when I'm 50, he'll be 67.

OP posts:
Original poster
riskyshift · 12/07/2017 23:36

I did often wonder how he fitted so much into his early 20's!! His family have not let on - they may know he is lying, I can't be sure - and only met 2 old friends..

OP posts:
Suze1621 · 12/07/2017 23:39

The lying is an issue. However 16 years is also significant age difference which may become more significant in later life - if you retire in your mid 60's, he would already be in his 80's. If things have been good enough for you to contemplate a long term relationship, then I think you need to tackle it with him head on and then give yourself some time space to decide what you want to do.

Foslady · 12/07/2017 23:41

I had this with OLD. He refused to send a pic twice so I messaged him to say deal breaker and blocked him. This was also after i did some sleuthing and discovered he wasn't 10 years older than me but 20 - which at my age meant I would potentially be a carer for him in a few years time rather than a partner. Went back on the site with a new profile (had deleted the old one) and he found me again and said seeing as he'd put a pic on could we talk. I tackled him about the age thing and he refused to confirm or deny. At that point I told him once more that if he couldn't be honest at the start then forget it.

I hate lies

InvisableLobstee · 12/07/2017 23:41

It's a big lie and the age gap could affect what you can do together. Not just kids but things like buying a property.

Still I would tell him I know and see if I could feel I can forgive him the lie based on his reaction. Then decide if you can cope with the age difference.

indigox · 12/07/2017 23:43

I'd LTB, the long-running lie is the issue, and if he can lie over this for so long what else is he/can he lie about?

ExpatMrs · 12/07/2017 23:48

19 years here & married with kids. The gap isn't an issue for me but as others who have replied have already stated, starting your relationship off on such a big lie would make me wonder what else he was hiding.
How did he think he could hide it forever?

BackforGood · 12/07/2017 23:49

Like others, the age gap might, or might not be an issue, but the continuing the lie once you realised you were settling in to a relationship would matter (I understand it isn't uncommon to be a bit flexible with the truth in the profile).

Original poster
riskyshift · 12/07/2017 23:54

Thanks for all the replies. I will wait for the right moment, I don't want to do anything in anger

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 13/07/2017 00:02

The age gap is not a problem if you don't think it is but you were never given the choice to decide!

I'd be very upset not about his age about the lie, it would make me question everything he said to me.

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