I know I'm not, but WWYD

[riskyshift]

BF of over a year, met online. Have had a good year, some hiccups, but just found out something that I'm not enjoying.....

He said in his profile that he was an age that was 7 years older than me. Not a problem. But I stumbled upon some information that actually makes him 16 years older than me. Um, yes this would be a problem.

I feel robbed of the decision over whether or not to date someone that much older. If I had been faced with it at the beginning, I would have instantly friendzoned him.

We still get on as well, I am still drawn to him, but - oh my god - 16 years!!!

He does not know that I know. Yet. Is this something that can just be swept under the carpet?

I dunno, people tell fibs sometimes especially at the beginning of relationships. We all make mistakes. If there are other positive things in the relationship then I wouldn't worry about the lie too much unless he reacts badly to you bringing it up. If the age difference doesn't bother you too much then that's fine. I just don't think you dump someone over something which could've been said out of nervousness or just not thinking properly . People deserve more chances than that......usually.

I think it depends on his reaction. It might be a stupid lie he put on a dating profile, then he found himself getting into a relationship with someone who really mattered, and he didn't know how to bring it up as it might ruin things. Or he just a liar and you should get rid. I reckon his reaction will give you the information you need.

It's not a fib. A fib is something you might say to spare someone's feelings. It's a monstrous lie, and completely unacceptable. Op, have nothing more to do with this loser.

grandOlejukeofpork I said "certain people" Are you therefore saying that Ghanians are separate or different from 'people'?

Yes, you've got me, I actually believe all Ghanaians are aliens!

Stating on your profile that you are 44, when in fact you are 60 is no fib. It is total deceit. If he can lie about that he can lie about anything.
The fact is he obviously is only interested in dating much younger women, this alone makes me feel sick.
There is nothing wrong with age gaps providing both parties are up for it. This isn't the case here. He s a liar and I have liars , it's a deal-breaker for me.

Hate liars.

I am 44 - he said he was 50

He's 60? I think that would be a deal-breaker for me, just because of the very different life stages you will both shortly be at.

If you were 30 and him 46, meh, it would be ok and you'd have years and years of an established relationship behind you before something like retirement reared its head. But as it stands for you now, it would be a bit soon IMO.

Having an older partner can (can! Not always!) make you a bit older than your years. I've experienced this myself (ex-h was 15 years older) and I've seen it happen with the friend I mentioned upthread.

"I don't know why, but I'm more upset about not being given the option to date him knowing the whole truth."
Understandable. Because by lying to you, he has overridden your (stated?) preferences. He has said what you want (a partner close-ish in age) is less important than what he wants (a partner considerably younger). It is a demonstrable lack of respect for you and your wishes.

I totally concur with Raspberry's posts. And with BewareOfDragons's point about his sense of entitlement to a younger woman.

Have a ponder about those 'hiccups' and how you feel about his sustained lying.

my ex did this too, although he did come clean quite quickly.

I don't like liars, and wouldn't really want to date someone who'd shown a propensity to lie, but also for me (I'm a similar age to you), this would be too big an age gap. I have 50 as my upper limit. I don't want to date an old man, and I think as he gets into his 60s, the age gap would be more apparent.

We had a discussion this morning about age. I suppose I was asking probing questions, but his view is the he 'is not ageist' and that the most important factor was how you got on with one another. I asked him about large age gaps, perhaps giving him an opening to come clean, but he didn't take the bait

Some of my friend are heading for 60, they are mostly talking about retirement and pensions and stuff. I'm ten years off all that yet. What does he do for a living?

His life experiences etc must be totally different to yours, O levels, Tv programmes, music, clubs, holidays etc, I'm surprised he got away with it so long.

That's a problem. Implies he never intends to come clean. So - is he thinking this relationship won't ever progress beyond a certain point, or is he willing to move in/get married and still keep lying?

Ask him what he was doing when Elvis died. If he says at school say what at 20? Or whatever age he would have really been.

I didn't spend my childhood years in this country, so the points of reference have never really come up

Sorry, I should add that he doesn't work, as in he doesn't need to work. So retirement talk doesn't come up either!

"Why is he lying about his age?"

"If I had been faced with it at the beginning, I would have instantly friendzoned him."

There's your answer.

"I love this man who was born in 1967, enough to spend a year as his partner.

...WHAT? He was born in 1957? GET HIM AWAY FROM ME! THIS RELATIONSHIP IS UNWORKABLE!"

Unreasonable and stupid.

Being unhappy he lied to you? Reasonable. But it sounds like all you care about is the numbers, which is ridiculous. You're 44, not 14.

I haven't said I care about the numbers - I care about not being given the CHOICE about the numbers.

It doesn't change the fact that we get on very well, and continue to do so despite what I know. It changes my right to have that informed decision at the beginning

One of my friends is engaged and has 2 kids with a man 16 years older than her. They are genuinely really happy. It's not an age gap i would go for (5 years either way is my absolute limit) but it can and does work for others.
I've also experienced guys lying to me about their age when meeting online too. One was just turned 16 and said he was 17 as he was the youngest in the online gaming group i had just joined into with them all, and he liked me. Wasn't an issue to me if he was 16 or 17 because i was in a relationship and as a friend i don't care how old someone is if we get on. Also had a guy i met like me and tell me he was 22 turning 23, he was actually 19 turning 20, and again was wanting to be more than friends but i was in that relationship still. Glad i dodged that one, he was playing the single card, was at uni, and turned out back in his home town he had a 7 months pregnant girlfriend of 4 years who had no idea he was out at uni going round clubs having one night stands. And the bastard abandoned her and the kid because she wasn't the right religion for his family to accept and he wasn't supposed to have sex before marriage. They don't even know the kid exists, but she for years kept contacting me being hostile when she couldn't get hold of him thinking i was in contact with him no matter how many times i told her i wasn't and that i was never more than friends with him so was the wrong person for her to be angry at.
so yeah, the lying, deal breaker, who knows what else they lied about.

Knew a lady who lied to everyone about her age by 8 years only cane out when she was burgled. Husband had died but children etc had no idea

Ok OP, so you have said that you wouldn't have embarked on this relationship if you'd known his true age.

Knowing what you now do, are you unhappy that you've been with him all this time?

DeadGood Interesting question. I'm not sure. I know that I have been offhand with him, which has had the effect of increasing his interest in me. Which makes it harder.

D'you think you will confront him?

Sorry, let me answer that better. I don't regret being with him, I've been very much in love with him - which has made me insecure. I guess I now don't care so much about the insecurity as this past year has been based on a lie.