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AIBU?

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Original poster

I know I'm not, but WWYD

200 replies

riskyshift · 12/07/2017 23:17

BF of over a year, met online. Have had a good year, some hiccups, but just found out something that I'm not enjoying.....

He said in his profile that he was an age that was 7 years older than me. Not a problem. But I stumbled upon some information that actually makes him 16 years older than me. Um, yes this would be a problem.

I feel robbed of the decision over whether or not to date someone that much older. If I had been faced with it at the beginning, I would have instantly friendzoned him.

We still get on as well, I am still drawn to him, but - oh my god - 16 years!!!

He does not know that I know. Yet. Is this something that can just be swept under the carpet?

OP posts:
Original poster
riskyshift · 14/07/2017 19:12

Yes, just not sure how I will do it

OP posts:
DeadGood · 14/07/2017 19:34

What would you like him to say?

Is there anything he could say that would salvage things?

Original poster
riskyshift · 14/07/2017 19:40

I guess what I would say world depend on how I did it. I have toyed with sending a picture of the evidence saying 'what's wrong with this', or asking him in the quiet of the dark in bed. Then it would be something like 'were you going to tell me you were 60?'

It is not my plan to be confrontational.

OP posts:
FinnegansCake · 14/07/2017 19:50

I suppose your OH didn't tell you his real age when you first met because he was afraid you'd be put off, and then when your relationship developed into something serious he still didn't tell you because he was afraid you'd be put off and he'd lose you. Perhaps he would like to come clean about his deception but always chickens out, and the longer he lets it continue, the harder it is for him to admit that he lied.

Whatever his reason, this lie has completely changed your view of him. I think it's time to confront him about it, otherwise you are complicit in the deception. You have to make him understand that it is never ok to lie to a partner, even if it was out of vanity or insecurity. The big issue here is the lie more than his actual age. Sixty is far from old these days if someone lives a healthy lifestyle, but if you had been looking for a long term relationship, obviously you would most likely have fewer active, healthy years with a sixty year-old than with a man of fifty.

Original poster
riskyshift · 14/07/2017 22:24

My friends are shocked that I didn't realise he was older than he said because they think he looks his ACTUAL age Confused...

He is youthful and active - we do fitness classes together and go on long walks which he does with ease.

OP posts:
DeadGood · 14/07/2017 22:35

No OP - what would you like him to say?

Can you see a way past this, basically? It might be helpful for you to know your desired outcome, or at least acquaint yourself with a few different scenarios.

Rather than just asking him (however gently) and than having to react in the moment, not really knowing how you feel or what you want to happen next.

Basically what I'm saying is, if you know you won't be able to get past this, then you should probably be posing the question to him in the context of a break-up chat, rather than a more casual context that will escalate into an argument.

emilybrontescorset · 14/07/2017 22:52

I think you should tell him you know his real age and ask him why he lied.
I'm guessing g he will say he lied because he knew you wouldn't entertain him otherwise, and he has a point.
I'm concerned as to why a 60 year old set out to deliberately entrap a much younger woman and there is no doubt about that. A man does not lie like this unless he wants sex with a much younger woman, there is no other explanation is there.
Has he been married? Does he have children? Most 60 year olds do. Has he been honest about this?
I think as a general rule people who can brazenly lie like this can lie very easily and usually don't see a problem with being dishonest.

onwardsupwardsagain · 14/07/2017 23:21

16 years might be too long an age gap for me. The lying is just awful though.

Could you ever trust him again!

Bluntness100 · 14/07/2017 23:34

This is difficult. I think you understand why he lied, even if it's not an admirable or palatable reason. In addition your friends think he looks 60 which can't help if you're only 44.

I'm not sure how long the relationship can last to be honest. When you hit fifty he will be 76.

I have a neighbour with an age gap relationship. She's in her seventies, he his nineties, and the difference in them is huge. If you've been together a long time, it's one thing, but to chose this now knowing that in ten years you'll be dating a seventy year old is a tough decision.

I'd less focus on the lie and more focus on the reality of the gap at your ages.

Lweji · 14/07/2017 23:43

He should have come clean early on the relationship. You shouldn't have to find out.

The question is what do you want to do.
If you're dumping him, don't ask him in bed. Just meet him and dump him. No games.
If you're giving him a chance to come clean then maybe tell him that you want no secrets between you two and see what he says.

I don't think I could get past the lying, although I might the age. He has kept it for a whole year and hasn't even tell you.

ShootingStar123 · 15/07/2017 00:09

Regardless of the length or seriousness of a relationship, an older man lying about his age with the intention of getting into a romantic relationship is very creepy. Yuck levels of creepiness.

I would find this extremely off-putting and would end it.

OP, you might think you have feelings for him, but trust me they will fade. You will look back on this and consider yourself to have had a lucky escape.

Original poster
riskyshift · 15/07/2017 00:13

I have to think clearly here on what I want him to say. 'I'm sorry' would be a start.

As for the explanation - well this is involved with why I went looking for the information in the first place. Sorry to be cryptic, but there is sensitive information here. I guess I would accept an explanation of 'I lost my confidence when DW left me, and didn't think I'd really meet anyone so soon. My confidence was low etc'. I could understand that.

I have met all his family, DF, DM, DC'S etc. He has been seeringly honest with me about a lot of things. Just not this thing

OP posts:
ShootingStar123 · 15/07/2017 00:18

Sorry, let me answer that better. I don't regret being with him, I've been very much in love with him - which has made me insecure

Ask yourself, are you really in love with him or is it a case of he makes you feel lovable and you're in love with the idea that he loves you?

Any 60 year old who manages to date a 44 year old is probably going to be "besotted", so don't confuse this with him being "special" in that sense.

Lweji · 15/07/2017 00:30

Why have you felt insecure in the relationship, though?
Did you sense he was lying or was it something else?

Original poster
riskyshift · 15/07/2017 00:38

The insecurity comes from being in love. I'm not used to losing control of myself

OP posts:
Lweji · 15/07/2017 01:20

You may have mistaken your feelings.
I wouldn't think of feeling insecure as a basis for a good relationship.

HappenedForAReisling · 15/07/2017 02:29

When you hit fifty he will be 76.

No he won't. He'll be 66.

tralaaa · 15/07/2017 08:09

I understand about the choices but - but everything else is good I would just say I know your 60 and I don't mind but I do mind that I didn't know. - you love him and maybe if you knew the true age at the start you wouldn't have entered into a relationship then you wouldn't have found his love Iive for the now and enjoy what you have

MaisieDotes · 15/07/2017 08:51

The insecurity comes from being in love.

The honeymoon period only lasts so long and then you're left with the reality of the age gap and the fact that he has been (is?) a dishonest person.

Lweji · 15/07/2017 09:46

Perhaps you could tell him that you're actually 54 and see what he says.

I don't get the insecurity thing and would like to know more about the bumps mentioned in the OP, though.

Whocansay · 15/07/2017 09:54

Your entire relationship is based on a lie. I couldn't deal with that. It's pretty fundamental.

Hellothereitsme · 15/07/2017 10:01

Online dating this lying of age is standard. Men do it because they want to date younger women. If they don't lie they say the age range.

Women do it because men don't want to date women of their age.

Neither is good and says a lot about the person. I can understand women doing it because society doesn't like older women and also generally a women doesn't actively seek out a younger man. Whilst lots of men do which is creepy.

Hellothereitsme · 15/07/2017 10:03

He also didn't give you the choice. The choice to choose to date a much older man. That isn't fair and that's the bit I don't like.

Original poster
riskyshift · 15/07/2017 10:44

Hello that is my absolute thought

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 15/07/2017 12:12

16 years is a big age gap. He should certainly have given you the choice to decide whether you found this acceptable or not. It also smacks of lying so as to get a much younger woman. I dont know your age but am wondering if you want children; if he wants to have children with you, & also whether you'd want children with a man so much older than you/your DCs to have a parent who is grandparent age? Its wise to be very cautious about liars. Although it could be he really fell for you and didnt want to come clean in case you left him. Still not right though. & yes at 50 I wouldnt want a 67 year old DH to be honest. Im in my 50s now and still working and very active. 67 is only 8 years younger than my dad...

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