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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I'm not, but WWYD

200 replies

riskyshift · 12/07/2017 23:17

BF of over a year, met online. Have had a good year, some hiccups, but just found out something that I'm not enjoying.....

He said in his profile that he was an age that was 7 years older than me. Not a problem. But I stumbled upon some information that actually makes him 16 years older than me. Um, yes this would be a problem.

I feel robbed of the decision over whether or not to date someone that much older. If I had been faced with it at the beginning, I would have instantly friendzoned him.

We still get on as well, I am still drawn to him, but - oh my god - 16 years!!!

He does not know that I know. Yet. Is this something that can just be swept under the carpet?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 19/07/2017 02:28

Totally agree with Didactylos "if there is one place where you are not required to have any form of equal opportunities policy its personal and sexual relationships!" EVER!

Original poster
riskyshift · 19/07/2017 06:44

No, he didn't get angry actually - just really wanted to know how I knew. I did it over text

OP posts:
toughduck · 19/07/2017 07:33

Exact same thing as me!

I found out too late after a dc and we were living together!!!!! How naive was I!!!!

15 year age gap, I'm 25, he's 41!!!

When I found out he also said it was an error in his driving license, which I found hidden deep in a cupboard!!

Unbelievable!

I am still with him, but like you, I feel completely robbed of my decision to be with him, had I of known, I wouldn't of stayed because it's changed everything, his age now makes me think that if we have more children it will have to be soon because he's that much older!

Greyponcho · 19/07/2017 07:53

So.., he's now either blaming you for 'age discrimination', or blaming someone else for telling you... doesn't sound like a very honest person to me... can he not accept and admit he lied and that he shouldn't have?
Doesn't sound like good form if he deflects his errors like this

Hissy · 19/07/2017 08:02

He tricked you.

He knowingly tricked you and over the course of the year you have been with him he has carried on with the lie.

He had a chance that coming clean early on that you'd forgive him and carry on. As you say he removed the choice you had to decide.

Now it's not about the age as much as the lie, and the perpetuation of it.

His friends and family MUST have had an inkling, at the very least.

And now he's putting the "bad" on you by saying you'd judge him, and discriminate against him on the basis of age

He is a piece of work. A vain, conniving and arrogant piece of work.

ginnystonic · 19/07/2017 08:47

He tricked you into dating him and ultimately falling in love with him. Had he been honest he would never have had a chance with you, that's fraud surely?

Has this lie played on his mind for the past year, has he been eaten up with guilt over it?

AntiGrinch · 19/07/2017 09:57

Sorry, OP. how are you? What are you going to do?

This

'you would never have dated me if you knew the truth'\

is appalling.
My ex did something (something some people would think minor, but not me) behind my back and when I confronted him about it he said "But you wouldn't have let me if I had asked you". As if that explained everything. It's basically just saying "only what I want matters, so I get to tell lies and they're justified."

he didn't see my POV at all about that. We had a huge row, not (on my side) so much about him doing the thing, but about his "ends justifying the means" mentality towards my preferences. We didn't live together and had no children then - I don't know why I carried on with him.

LightDrizzle · 19/07/2017 10:09

It's not the age-gap, it's the lie. He lied so more younger women would consider him, thereby placing his own preference for a younger woman over their freedom to exercise their own preferences as to age-gap. It is quite unpleasant really.

Put looks and attraction aside; considerations around possible future children, respective retirement dates and lifestyle implications, make this a decision that should not be taken away.

He should not react with anger, but with embarrassed apology. I don't think I could get past the lie (the age gap wouldn't bother me personally, if I'd met him through work or socially and fancied him knowing that).

Dowser · 19/07/2017 10:35

Would be upset about the lie.
I married a liar who turned into a cheat.
Dealbreaker I'm afraid.
He's trying to get you under false pretences, that's a very shaky start.

Run.

ginnystonic · 19/07/2017 10:41

If it had been another lie how would you feel? E.g:

If he said he's open to starting a family (but had already had a vasectomy)

If he said he had a certain job / career (but he had another one entirely)

If he said he lived in his own home (but still lived with his parents?)

If he said he had no children (but actually did have a child he never saw)

If he had used any of the above lies to 'draw you in' would you be able to forgive him?

Trollspoopglitter · 19/07/2017 12:21

I'd be inclined to be just as breezy... You're right, I would have never given you a chance. But this doesn't change the reason why I wouldn't have ever given you a chance: I'm not interested in being someone's carer when I finally retire. Afraid that reason is still there, so you may want to think about where that leaves you when you're 80.

Original poster
riskyshift · 19/07/2017 14:58

I am yet to ask why he wanted a much younger woman. I will find that answer interesting

OP posts:
RiversrunWoodville · 19/07/2017 15:05

I wouldn't worry one bit about the age gap, my DH is 18 years older than me (I'm 35) However I always knew that it's the lie. I wouldn't even mind him not being upfront on his profile but when you clearly got on well he should have come clean.

XJerseyGirlX · 19/07/2017 15:14

I think his answer of saying "he isn't ageist" is trying to defer the fact that he told a huge lie

XJerseyGirlX · 19/07/2017 15:15

Also, he didn't give you the chance to ask yourself if you wanted to be with someone that would be 70 in 10 years that MIGHT need support / Care needs.

ohfourfoxache · 19/07/2017 15:20

Surely him wanting a much younger woman is age discrimination in itself?

Original poster
riskyshift · 19/07/2017 16:31

Jersey this is where I am

OP posts:
WeddingsAreStressful · 19/07/2017 16:50

Total deal breaker - both the age and the lie. It's a huge gap, especially when you get into your 60s and 70s. Think about it - 50 and 67 are two VERY different stages of lofe. And then you'll spend your best retirement years as a carer and will then be left completely alone in gmyoir later years.

WeddingsAreStressful · 19/07/2017 16:51

*in your later years

Hellothereitsme · 19/07/2017 19:21

I'm 52 - no way would I date a 67 year old. You age faster once you hit your 50s onwards as hormones, bone density, eyes etc all start to change irrespective as to how well you have looked after yourself. Also I have another 15 years of work whilst a 67 would have finished at 65 at the latest. No way so different to being 20 and 37.

Original poster
riskyshift · 23/07/2017 22:11

I think, ultimately, the fact that he cannot see he has done anything wrong is what sticks in my throat

OP posts:
Original poster
riskyshift · 23/07/2017 22:11

I think that this has to be it

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 23/07/2017 22:16
Flowers
Original poster
riskyshift · 23/07/2017 22:19

Thank you Italian

OP posts:
Lweji · 23/07/2017 22:21

Did you manage to further discuss it with him?

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