I know I'm not, but WWYD

[riskyshift]

BF of over a year, met online. Have had a good year, some hiccups, but just found out something that I'm not enjoying.....

He said in his profile that he was an age that was 7 years older than me. Not a problem. But I stumbled upon some information that actually makes him 16 years older than me. Um, yes this would be a problem.

I feel robbed of the decision over whether or not to date someone that much older. If I had been faced with it at the beginning, I would have instantly friendzoned him.

We still get on as well, I am still drawn to him, but - oh my god - 16 years!!!

He does not know that I know. Yet. Is this something that can just be swept under the carpet?

He packed 36 years into his 20s!

😂

Just wondering OP but he must look REALLY young for his age if you never even questioned it.

What evidence have you found?

My ex did this. Turned out he was a liar full stop so this red flag should have put me off.

How old are you?

The age difference is one thing..it would bother people but not others and it's up to you whether it's for you or not.
However, this is a fairly major lie! He must have lied constantly about tiny things to maintain the pretence...i.e. if you ever talked about TV programmes you liked as a kid, or music or dodgy fashions you liked as a teenager, or where you were when 9/11 happened, or when you graduated etc etc. It's the constant deception that would get to me. If he can lie that easily about his age, what else is he lying about?

Sense of entitlement is interesting, not something I had considered before now..

Yes, he has mentioned his age - but if I really examine the conversations surrounding age, I realise that they are always rushed and he changes the subject quickly

I cannot directly go into the evidence I have found, but let's just say the Internet is a mind of wonderful information!

I am 44.....

I went away very suddenly a few days before his birthday on a work trip. He celebrated with his whole family, however if I had been here, I suspect it would just have been he and I.

I think his reaction would be anger that I had found him out

If you think this, then dump him now. To me, this is a red flag and doesn't bode well. You mention hiccups, take a real good look at the relationship and don't minimise anything. Be honest with yourself and don't sell yourself short.

It would be the continuing lie that did it for me.
I met someone online and he had knocked 5 years off. But he confessed to this when it was clear we were going to meet and said that he understood if this was a deal breaker for me. I was a bit miffed (he'd said he was 37 rather than 42), but gave him the benefit of the doubt, and we dated for over a year and are still friends. However, if he had met me and continued to lie, that would have been a deal breaker.

So he's 60 but pretending to be 51?

grandOlejukeofYork

I think you'll find the relevant info there is "from ghana".

How would that detract from my point? It still stands. Certain people can look a great deal younger than they are. Are you saying it's different because you presume the OP is dating a white man? Even still how does that make your comment relevant? What's the difference?

grandOlejukeofpork I said "certain people" Are you therefore saying that Ghanians are separate or different from 'people'?

Apart from the obvious (lying, significant age gap), the thing that would put me off is that he didn't just lie to make himself more attractive in general.
He lied to make himself attractive to younger women; it was a calculated decision.
Clearly, women his own age weren't good enough for him.
I find men like that quite repulsive, to be honest

Raspberry do I know you?

I think I have a very understanding nature - and I probably haven't said enough about the lie on here.

I don't know why, but I'm more upset about not being given the option to date him knowing the whole truth.

But I think this explains so many of his behaviours that I found odd.

Stupid man!!

It's a bit worrying that you think his reaction to being found out would be anger. Most people who tell a lie which gets out of control - they've dug themselves a pit they can't find the right way to get out of - would be embarrassed/awkward/apologetic, not angry.

13 years difference, no probs for us because OH confessed his true age (not internet age bracket) on our third date.
Spoke honestly about kids before it got too serious, double checked before moving in, & again before marrying & we've both consistently been on the same page because we've been honest from the off.
How has he found it so easy to lie?

So he's 60? Or about to be?

Did you know him for his last birthday? Which would have been his 50rh?? According to him anyway?

I can't see there would be any way past this.

I met one guy dating who confessed on 2nd or 3rd meeting that he'd shaved a few years off.

It did make me think a bit. But online dating algorithms and all that, I kinda got it.

But in the end there were other things he'd lied about that were utter deal breakers

I agree with raspberry, in fact I was going to post almost the exact same thing until I saw the post and didn't need to!

If that is your worry then there is more going on than this one lie.

Iv been with my (older) partner for nearly 15 years, never have I felt even on the most serious issues that I couldn't bring something up or have an honest discussion with him because I knew before that the reaction I would get is anger, that is a potential dangerous sign and at the least not a nice way to have to live your life in your relationship (the one place where nothing should be off limits to talk about and share)

I agree with previous comments about the concerns around him keeping up a pretence for a year, and also not giving you the option to choose whether you want to date someone so much older than you!

From my experience of online dating I would dump him now for lying. When I first started online dating I probably would not have dumped him as I would have felt sorry for him having to lie. However it would now irritate me that he did it to meet younger women. What's wrong with women of his age. I would also not want to date a man in his 60s when I'm in my 40s. The age gap in your 20/30s isn't too bad - but the gap accelerates as you get older. 60 year old men act and look 60. Society treats 60 year men as 60. 40 year old men can get away with looking younger - the same as for women. I feel I'm aging faster now in my 50s than ever before!!!

I wouldn't have a problem with an older partner. I would have a problem with the lying. And i do have a problem with the way some (many) men behave when online dating that their "target" group is usually a good bit younger than them once they get past about 25.

I should add it's not frightening anger

riskyshift Thu 13-Jul-17 16:50:15

Raspberry do I know you?

I doubt it, unless you're in the East Midlands somewhere . But there are certain behaviours displayed by men to avoid.

It doesn't matter what type of anger he might show, but for him to show any anger or annoyance that you know the truth is not something you'll find in a decent bloke.

You're only a year into this relationship, so he's still on his best behaviour. Yet you are concerned that he'll show some anger; that's just not good, and I'd steer clear of a bloke where I was worried about him showing anger over something so trivial.

Yes, the age gap may be a dealbreaker, and while it isn't always (as demonstrated by posts on here), most of us are saying the lying and hiding is clearly an issue and a concern.

I would dump him.
He has told a huge lie, and I agree with The very thing, he has done it to date a much younger woman.
Why not ask him out of interest if he would date a woman of 76, I can tell you now what his answer will be.
The anger thing is another red flag.
Just dump the lying bastard before you start to believe his next set of lies.