I know I'm not, but WWYD

[riskyshift]

BF of over a year, met online. Have had a good year, some hiccups, but just found out something that I'm not enjoying.....

He said in his profile that he was an age that was 7 years older than me. Not a problem. But I stumbled upon some information that actually makes him 16 years older than me. Um, yes this would be a problem.

I feel robbed of the decision over whether or not to date someone that much older. If I had been faced with it at the beginning, I would have instantly friendzoned him.

We still get on as well, I am still drawn to him, but - oh my god - 16 years!!!

He does not know that I know. Yet. Is this something that can just be swept under the carpet?

I'm sorry this has happened to you and think the fact that you carefully considered this means it is definitely the right think for you. If you are the sort of person who likes to think things through and he denied you that then he isn't right.

My friends grandmother was widowed with a young child when she met her second husband who lied about his age. She honestly never forgave him when she found out - on the day he retired! She understood the age gap as 10 years and it was 18.
She spent more of her life widowed than married.

Oh and what the fuck is it with men who can't cope with women their own age!

Yes, I did. As I said, he doesn't see that he robbed me of the decision, just keeps saying that he 'had to' or I (for 'I' read anyone) would never have dated him. Women his age are 'boring'. I asked whether he ever feels I am immature. No, he says

Has he even given women his age a chance, though?

He's showing the same ageism he accuses you of.

It's your call. It sounds like you've made a decision. Have you told him?

No, I haven't. I'm quite busy with work at the moment so am planning on 'withdrawing' until the work is over. I will tell him thereafter

((hug))

Women his age are 'boring'.

For this sexist ageism, you need to dump him.

I would be really hurt by the lie. The age gap itself wouldn't be an issue for me. Partly, that's because I don't come from a family where everyone is well all the time, so I have quite a lot of experience of people with life-changing diagnoses in their 30s and 40s. I think this has made me skeptical of the kind of statements that an age gaps "robs" people of years together.

Oh love

I know this is tough, try to keep busy and stick to your plan. You won't trust him again and he is with you through deception.

It's not ageist to say that you don't want to date someone the best part of 20 years older than you. Not when you're in your 40's.

I'm almost 50, my other half is 55.

dating a 65 year old is a whole different ball game to dating a 55 year old. I too would not have entertained this, any more than I would dating a 33 year old.

Thanks Hissy.

Hope your ok op. Crappy situation. Hope you managed to enjoy the weekend :-)

Finally, an 'unreserved apology'! Only after I pinned him down and asked if it was at all possible to see it from my point of view... Also, he says he's not hiding anything else.

So, he finally apologised at the risk of losing you.
You're bending yourself backwards to stay with him and I'm afraid he'll know it.
Good luck.

But the apology changes NOTHING. He's still 10 years older than you would have dated.

How do you feel now?

"Women his age are 'boring", so what happens in 14 years when you hit the age he is?

I wonder if he will feel the need to trade you in (sorry that language is awful but it is how I feeel about men orwomen who date younger partners later in life) for a younger woman:

Film stars do it all the time. Maybe younger partners are more exciting? More physically fit? Or maybe they make a person feel young at heart? But either way, how does he make you feel?

Lweji how do you figure that?

Possibly because you bothered to 'pin him down' and actually could be arsed to 'ask him to try to see it from your point of view'

He will take that as bending over backwards, he thinks he has you on the ropes, or certainly still on the hook. His assurance that he is 'not hiding anything else' proves that he thinks on some level you will put up with anything to stay with him.

You have been willing to hold on to something to grasp to keep your relationship, despite his early non apologies and him blaming you for his lies.
Are you sure you got a proper apology and it was not in your head only?
What did he say?

Font do it. 16 years st your age is a big big difference and possibly moves quickly into carer territory.

I speak from experience. If you had had 20 years with him already then it wouldn't matter. But I wouldn't start this relationship now.

Only after I pinned him down and asked if it was at all possible to see it from my point of view...

I'm not sure that's good enough. To have to be "pinned down" - together with his sexism about women his own age. Doesn't bode well. Sorry OP.

This may be very inflammatory but his wealth would also count towards whether in your shoes I would give him another chance.

If you are not expected to be s carer and main wage earner throughout his old age then it may be workable if you want it to be.

I am in the position of being both of those things and as we also have kids, it is far from easy but was my choice. To have it forced upon me would have quickly ended the relationship.

Have rtft and sorry that was the outcome. That he never intended to tell you and feels he was entitled to date you whatever his age is horrible. He is saying he deserves a younger woman, even at the expense of their consent.

Horrible.

I think Hissy is surmising because from your very short answers it's impossible to tell if you've split up, if you've brushed it under the carpet, or if you're still deciding.

TBH I'm more put off this man by some of the other things you've said eg he will get angry. Plus, for someone who's not ageist, he's got some pretty ageist (and sexist) views about women his own age hasn't he?

I wasnt intending to be combative OP, the point I was making was that He will see that you are making attempts to get him to understand what you think and feel and he will take this as an attempt for you to cling on or glue your relationship back together. the fact that you pinned him down means that you went out of your way to contact him, bring up this lie and insist that he say whatever he said.

Trust me, he has been saying the bare minimum needed to get you to STFU and get over yourself.
The fact is that he grossly misrepresented himself online, he pretended to be 10 years younger, went looking for women in that age range and found you.

For a year he withheld that info, and when you asked him about it, his reaction was more about HOW YOU FOUND OUT than what you thought of him.

When pushed a little further his excuse was that YOU would not have considered him (ie. YOU are prejudiced)

Then the cherry on the top, 'women his age are so boring"

... And men his age aren't?

Minimisation, Denial and Blame

For a YEAR he lied to you. Every single day of the entire time he knew you, he was lying to you.

HIs friends possibly too, his family. There was a massive cover up.