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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I'm not, but WWYD

200 replies

riskyshift · 12/07/2017 23:17

BF of over a year, met online. Have had a good year, some hiccups, but just found out something that I'm not enjoying.....

He said in his profile that he was an age that was 7 years older than me. Not a problem. But I stumbled upon some information that actually makes him 16 years older than me. Um, yes this would be a problem.

I feel robbed of the decision over whether or not to date someone that much older. If I had been faced with it at the beginning, I would have instantly friendzoned him.

We still get on as well, I am still drawn to him, but - oh my god - 16 years!!!

He does not know that I know. Yet. Is this something that can just be swept under the carpet?

OP posts:
astoundedgoat · 15/07/2017 12:39

When you confront him, are you breaking up with him, or giving him a chance to fix it (not sure how he can, though)?

Original poster
riskyshift · 15/07/2017 12:45

Chance to fix it

OP posts:
hesterton · 15/07/2017 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hesterton · 15/07/2017 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FinnegansCake · 15/07/2017 13:20

If you love him, his age won't make any difference to your feelings, provided you can forgive him for lying about it initially. Lots of people lie online, he's not the first to do that, his mistake has been to continue with the lie.

He is still the man you fell in love with, apart from that one thing.

As for the age gap, yes, it's quite big but far from insurmountable. As long as you're not hoping to have DC with him - sixty is a bit old for fatherhood. We none of us know what life has in store for us, I knew someone of 25 who married a man in his fifties - she died at only thirty. You can't let a number on a birth certificate stop you from being happy with someone.

It's time to ask him why he misled you all this time.

Original poster
riskyshift · 15/07/2017 13:43

Finnegans thank you

OP posts:
flumpybear · 15/07/2017 13:53

If it was just a thing that he was worried about his age putting people off then I wouldn't worry to be honest -- but if there are more lies then I'd be a bit pissed off and possibly leave him - but wouldn't leave him for that - yo no at heart who cares how old he really is ... some 60 year olds are super old and some are more spritely than me (45)

Original poster
riskyshift · 16/07/2017 17:50

Ok, so he was never going to tell me

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 16/07/2017 18:03

What was his reasoning?

I still think it boils down to plain old entitlement: men feel entitled to younger women, and this is one way they go about trying to get it.

StripeyCurtains · 16/07/2017 18:20

How did he think he would manage to keep it a secret forever?

Hellothereitsme · 16/07/2017 18:38

Why was he never going to tell you?

If this is the only issue in an otherwise fantastic relationship then perhaps as long as you have a frank conversation about how he took your choice away from you, etc then you could both move on from it - if that is what you want.

None of us knows what lies ahead.

Here's a couple of questions for you.
If you had first seen him in a bar would you have been interested?
What was the age range you put on you online profile when you met him - does his real age fall into it?

milliemolliemou · 16/07/2017 20:08

Grit your teeth and ask him straight out - did he lie or (if you incontrevertible evidence) why did he lie? and during a whole year not get his courage up to tell you the truth?

Don't try to set age traps for him or ask him in bed - that could end up with unwanted anger on both sides.

Only if he comes clean and explains do you get the chance to decide whether despite all this you still want to be with him, stepping through the effect over the real age gap for the next few decades, and whether you have enough in common with him and like him enough to overlook a major lie. Did his DCs' ages not give the game away?.

He could be fit as a butcher's dog for the next thirty years and mentally active till the day he dies.

ChasedByBees · 16/07/2017 20:29

How do you feel about that?

Lweji · 16/07/2017 20:30

And...?

If you're after advice, you're giving very scant info.

Original poster
riskyshift · 16/07/2017 20:46

Not looking for advice, just updating.

The reasoning was, yes you guessed it, age discrimination.

He asked me how I knew, I said it was something that someone said in passing. He wanted to know who it was, I asked if he had asked others to lie for him, and he said no.

OP posts:
GlitteryFluff · 16/07/2017 20:54

How are you feeling? What do you think you're going to do? Flowers

Trollspoopglitter · 16/07/2017 21:03

did you point out if that is his definition of age discrimination, he's even more guilty of it by going after younger women who he can only attract by deception?

If he was never going to tell you - you had an expiry date. He doesn't see you as "rest of my life" material. So stop giving him headspace and bin him.

Lweji · 16/07/2017 22:01

How would he feel if you had lied all this time and you were 54?

Hissy · 16/07/2017 22:51

Oh love. How are you feeling?

He MUST have told others that he'd told you he wasn't being honest about his age. There has to have been some collusion, how the hell was he going to dodge the BIG birthday?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 16/07/2017 23:16

I think it was clear he was never going to tell you. You had asked him a leading question & given him the space to do so & he didn't.

The age gap would be too much for me longterm (though that age gap was fine for a while & we are still good friends ) & it wouldn't bother me he'd lied on his profile, but if he hadn't come clean after a few dates then I'd have got rid. If he can lie about something so stupid, he'd be able to lie about anything & feel justified in doing so. No thanks.

eatabagofdicks · 16/07/2017 23:50

Flowers sorry to hear.

I would get rid. That's too big of a lie and he's tried too hard to keep it covered up. It's not 'age discrimination' for gods sake. You're not his employer. You're entitled to know the age of someone you're going to have a relationship with!

Original poster
riskyshift · 19/07/2017 00:01

You know, he hasn't even said sorry. Just 'you would never have dated me if you knew the truth'

The problem is, is have liked the fucking choice!!

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 19/07/2017 00:47

Sorry to hear this, the lie would bother me, the age gap would bother me, the fact you thought he would get angry (did he) would bother me. Not sure if I would stay or not. My gut feeling is not but if you love him you can choose now knowing what you know.

Thanks
Didactylos · 19/07/2017 01:00

Age discrimination! FFS
if there is one place where you are not required to have any form of equal opportunities policy its personal and sexual relationships!

He was willing to lie and manipulate your boundaries, come up with some shit self pitying justification (because of course he deserves a younger woman!) and not even apologise for his untruths taking away your choices in the situation.
And how long was he planning to keep this up? Did he think he would manage to keep the secret forever or did he have some plan to end things at some time in the future anyway so thought it didn't matter (with no regard for your time or plans eg family children etc)

I dont think I could ever trust him again, its too big and too cynical to lie about something so fundamental

Lweji · 19/07/2017 01:12

Just 'you would never have dated me if you knew the truth'

That's blaming you on top of not apologising.

He never gave you the opportunity, so he doesn't know what you'd do.

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