I know I'm not, but WWYD

[riskyshift]

BF of over a year, met online. Have had a good year, some hiccups, but just found out something that I'm not enjoying.....

He said in his profile that he was an age that was 7 years older than me. Not a problem. But I stumbled upon some information that actually makes him 16 years older than me. Um, yes this would be a problem.

I feel robbed of the decision over whether or not to date someone that much older. If I had been faced with it at the beginning, I would have instantly friendzoned him.

We still get on as well, I am still drawn to him, but - oh my god - 16 years!!!

He does not know that I know. Yet. Is this something that can just be swept under the carpet?

I'm firmly married, so never done OLD, but everything I hear/read about it implies that being 'flexible' about age is just part of it. It seems like everyone lies about something, and that many people think it's the only way they'll ever get any interest.

But - maintaining the lie beyond the first few dates is more of a problem. If once you've met you like each other, any obvious lies should be cleared up, shouldn't they?

Thanks for the replies. I did do 'due diligence' on him before we dated, but this info never came up online. Gah that this even has to be done!

I had exactly the same with exp. He told me there was 6 years difference when there was actually 17 years difference (he didn't look his age) When I asked him about it he came up with the biggest load of bollocks to cover it up he told me he was on witness protection and had 2 identities. I carried on with the relationship (stupidly) but I never trusted him again.

And this wasn't the only thing he lied about. It got to the stage where if I hadn't had somebody else confirming what he said I just didn't believe him. It was a very abusive relationship so I couldn't/didn't leave him for a long time

Does he look the age he claims to be, 10 years younger than he actually is? That is unusual.

16 years isn't such a big age difference - it's the ongoing lie that would be the deal breaker for me.

WITNESS PROTECTION I am actually flabbergasted Hearditall

I would be really quite cross. My mother put her profile as a few years younger and she is very youthful for her age and didn't want to be put in the pensioner category - she didn't think it was suitable for her. She has a long term DP she met on there now and she came clean about 6 months in. I know she was really very stressed out about it because there doesn't ever feel like there is a good time to tell and it just escalated

Yes, I feel that there is a certain element of escalation here.

I think his reaction would be anger that I had found him out

Why do people do this? That is a massive lie. Did he really think you would never find out, and if you did, wouldn't mind about it? Quite insulting, to my mind.

grandOlejukeofYork Not necessarily. Some people can look remarkably younger than they actually are. One of my colleagues is from Ghana - she's late 40s but could very easily pass for being late 20s.

OP, I'd LTB just on the lie alone. He might very well try and guilt you into staying by saying he was insecure but fuck that. If can lie about this then he can lie about something else. Move on. And of course you were eventually going to find out. What the fuck did he think would happen then? I know, that you'd probably so entranced by him that you still stayed with him.

I don't think the age gap would bother me too much, however the lying would be a massive problem.

How did you find out?

The age gap itself and the lie would both bother me. But the thing that would worry me most would be that you think his reaction will be to be angry with you for finding him out.

This just makes him seem not nice at all.

16 years CAN be a huge difference depending on what life stage you are

16 and 32 - well that ones obvious

30 and 46 - if you think he's 36 then you would have reasonable assumptions you might want to have a family together. If he's 46 (my age) then he might be past wanting it

46 and 62 - mid life work for me, old man (in my previous careers he would be retired)

Lying is the worst though.

Personally, I'd be heading for the hills - so many red flags...

16 years would be too much of an age gap for me, and that's before I'd even tackled the massive lie!

OK, why do you think his reaction will be anger

what are the other hiccups? now that you know he has lied to you to such an extent for so long.

16 years?? that's not a small gap. that's not a slip of the keyboard.

what happens when he hits a supposedly significant birthday? Like, you get him a 50th card and everyone looks at you like you got it WRONG?

this is HUGE sweetheart, sorry. It must be a terrible shock for you

It's really very difficult. My DH lied to me about his age when we first met online and only came clean when I found his passport. It was only 4 years difference and he said he'd been trying to think of ways to tell me for weeks!

17 years later and we're still happily married and laugh about it now. I also told him I was a size 10 and had to go on a massive crash diet before we met in person!

However, 16 years is a bigger difference and also depending on the stage of life you're at will have different consequences.

I don't think you can make any decisions until you have confronted him and then go with your gut feeling.

One of my colleagues is from Ghana - she's late 40s but could very easily pass for being late 20s

I think you'll find the relevant info there is "from ghana".

the lying is a big thing.
My ex has a sort of flexible attitude to honesty (putting it kindly). I can see his mother has the same sort of floaty attitude to saying things she wants to believe or that it suits her to say.
My own family are completely different. Honesty is rigorous. It's something that always bothered me with ex. There were no huge lies like another family or anything like that, but always a sense that what he wanted the outcome of any conversation to be was more important than telling the truth.
Our children treat him differently from how they treat me. They are only 6 and 8 but they ask him to prove things that they suspect he has said for convenience. they don't do the same to me.

You have to work out what your attitude to this is. you can confront him on the age difference and work that out, maybe; or you can decide it's a deal breaker because you don't want to feel that everything has to be checked. Or - you could give him an opportunity to come clean. Start a conversation that gives him an "in" to see whether he feels terrible about the deception and grabs the opportunity to tell the truth with both hands.

16 years would be too much for me. He'll be in his 80s by the time you retire.

The lie would really bother me too.

It would put me off. The lack of honesty AND the sense of entitlement to woman considerably younger than him.

And it is a sense of entitlement ...

When my uncle died his name and birth/death dates were put on the coffin.
His sister, who my aunt had only met once, came to the funeral.

At the wake she commented on the wrong dates on the coffin. Turns out is was 5 years older than he had said, all his life!

Lookign back, she was in her twenties when they met, and he was 44. He dropped his age to 39 so as to be the right side of 40, so she wouldn't reject him.

He was a miserbale old bastard, but as far as we know didn't lie about anything else. I assume it was a spur of the moment thing and then he coudln't backtrack.

But in your position yes, it would be a game changer, mainly because of the lies

It's not an insurmountable age gap - plenty of couples work well with a similar one, but the lying? Fuck that for a game of soldiers - massive red flag that he's a)comfortable deceiving you for such a long time and b) capable of lying to that extent. I'd Nope the fuck outta there - trust and respect are THE core requirements for a relationship - he's clearly deficient in both departments. And thats before you even mention he'd be angry if you call him on it.

Hi sorry I haven't read the full thread.

The lying would piss me right off but if it was a case of he got in too far and didn't know what to do I would give another chance but lying is a big no no for me so if it was a case of he lied and thought he just wouldn't get found out then he would be gone.

I just wanted to say that my auntie is 58 and her DH have 20 years age gap so he is 78 and they have a 13 year old together.

They work fine they have been together 23 years now.

I have a 10 year age gap between me and my DP and it works great.

But is your personal preference.

The lying would be a problem tho if it was deliberate rather than he didn't know how to get out the situation he was in. I have heard everyone lies on their profile online (never used it so don't know) but if this is true he may just not know what to say without it hurting the relationship.

Good luck with what you decide.

Has he actually ever said his "age" to you? Not excusing anything but could he have lied in his profile to seem more attractive then totally forgotten about it?

I did often wonder how he fitted so much into his early 20's!!

Sorry risky that did make me laugh! I think you're right to feel aggrieved and 'uncomfortable' with it - the misrepresentation in his original profile is bad enough but for a whole year.....???

As Pinguin has asked though, has the act of putting a number on his age actually come up directly, for instance what birthday did he say was celebrating during the year you've been together?