Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Original poster

To be unable to work out if my job or my husband are the problem?

258 replies

shadycornerofthegarden · 12/07/2017 11:44

After returning from maternity leave after February half term, it's been made clear to me I'm not welcome at work.

I feel constantly sick and scared about going in.

Every day I think I just just hand in my notice and be a SAHM. Should be easy - my husband earns enough, we have enough for a happy if rather meager existence if we stayed in our current property (big mortgage)

What puts me off doing this is I'm not completely happy in my marriage either. I'm definitely not at the point of leaving. I was raised to believe you stay with the father of your children. And our baby loves his dad.

But I feel like I am stuck. Stuck in a horrible job and I can't talk about it with the person I'm meant to be closest too as he will just tell me to leave with just a bit too much light in his eyes. nd that scares me.

OP posts:

thepandasayshello · 12/07/2017 11:47

I've recently been talking to a professional life coach, it's amazing perspective the unemotional outsider can bring. Would recommend - for personal & professional insights.

Original poster

shadycornerofthegarden · 12/07/2017 11:51

Really sorry if this sounds rude but I could not be less interested in that and it wasn't why I posted.

OP posts:

jesterlaughing · 12/07/2017 11:53

What do you do for a living?

Could you look at a different job/role/transfer?

Justhadmyhaircut · 12/07/2017 11:55

Why would your dh be glad you left? Selfish reasons like he won't have to help at home or with ds or because he wants you to decide for yourself but will be genuinely supportive?

Nowthereistwo · 12/07/2017 11:55

Could you look about trying to get a different job - potentially part time. You get a better work life and retain financial independence

Allthebestnamesareused · 12/07/2017 11:56

You are asking for advice and someone offered some. If it is not your thing perhaps you should have politely moved on! The pp offered that as a possiblae solution because it has worked for her.

Can you explain the "light in his eyes" comment please. Do you mean he'd like you to give up work.

As I see it there are two options. Look for another job and then leave or give up work and then look for another job - especially if you feel that your marriage might not be a long term thing. Is the maternity leave after your first child. Maybe you are just in that period of time after the birth of your first child where everything has become childcentric and you need to take some time to reconnect as a couple eg. have a date night every now and then. You are probably worn out with a young child and juggling jobs, childcare etc.

Original poster

shadycornerofthegarden · 12/07/2017 11:59

Thanks, I already am part time. I think that's largely why I'm being singled out.

Moving on is difficult because most advertised positions are full time and I know my husband would be very upset about DS being in nursery full time. Its easy to say I should do it anyway, less easy to do. And if I don't work at all then I am very dependent on DH. And I'm not convinced that is a good thing.

Sorry if I sounded sharp re the "life coaching" - it sounded suspiciously like someone trying to recruit for Forever Living or similar.

OP posts:

Groupie123 · 12/07/2017 12:02

If you're unhappy with your DH what does it even matter what he thinks? Just go back full time and send DC to nursery full time - it he doesn't like it then he can reduce his own hours to accomodate.

Groupie123 · 12/07/2017 12:03

Working f/t will also give you more financial independence so you could leave him if you wanted. Nobody should be stuck in a marriage for lack of options.

Booboobooboo84 · 12/07/2017 12:04

OP that was a bit rude of you to Panda. You asked for advice and they gave it.

Maybe you do need some professional help to get to the bottom of things. If you aren't happy with the father of your child then leave him, he probably would be happy if you left work if it's making you this miserable

thepandasayshello · 12/07/2017 12:04

I have no idea what forever living is. I am a cynical person, never thought I'd be one for coaching, but it's been really helpful in both the professional & personal. Hope you get to a good solution for yourself. All the best.

Original poster

shadycornerofthegarden · 12/07/2017 12:08

Well, coaching really isn't for me so apologies if I was rude, Panda, but unfortunately there are a number of people working for companies reliant on recruiting others who pray on posts like mine and forums like this. So shall we move on? :)

It matters very much what my husband thinks with regards to childcare as ultimately if he refuses to pay for it (he would) then it wouldn't make any financial difference at all me working full time, but I would be overworked, exhausted and stressed. Plus, I am not sure that five days a week in nursery is great for a baby.

OP posts:

LaurieMarlow · 12/07/2017 12:08

OP, that was a very rude response to Panda, she was clearly trying to help. I've no idea why you lept to forever living, there was nothing to suggest that.

You need to give us more info. Do you like working, do you want to continue to work? And what exactly is making you unhappy in the marriage?

Foxysoxy01 · 12/07/2017 12:08

Why did you post if you only wanted what you classed as helpful responses?

You were very rude to the poster only offering advice, she didn't need to waste her time giving you a suggestion that helped her so may in turn help you.

Posting on the internet you are clearly going to get all sorts of different advice, most people think that's the whole point

It's a shame you have such a closed off view if the world because a life coach or talking therapist sounds like it might be a very good thing to help you work out what you want and need from you work/husband/life.

Original poster

shadycornerofthegarden · 12/07/2017 12:11

I can only apologise and shall leave the thread. I don't really think it was quite as rude as some are making it out to be, but again, apologies, and I won't take up any more time.

OP posts:

Writerwannabe83 · 12/07/2017 12:12

It matters very much what my husband thinks with regards to childcare as ultimately if he refuses to pay for it.......

Does he control the house finances? Do you not have joint funds?

purits · 12/07/2017 12:12

unable to work out if my job or my husband are the problem?

You were extremely rude to panda. Has it ever occurred to you that you are the problem.

SoYouBetterRun · 12/07/2017 12:14

Hi OP. Horrible and complicated situation to be in. Other posters will give their views and advice but ultimately you are the only one who can decide. As a PP said, maybe professional help is the way forward. A good one will help you create a path for yourself identifying obstacles so you can get round them. I hope things work out for you.

Winterview · 12/07/2017 12:16

I know it's not what you want to hear, but life coaching or counselling might help you work out what you want. You sound a bit lost. I found life coaching very helpful when I was at a crossroads. Why are you dismissing seeing a professional for guidance?

You could also take a break from work? Is your profession easy to get back into after say 6 months break?

Original poster

shadycornerofthegarden · 12/07/2017 12:17

I'm afraid I have no way of paying for professional support and at the risk of being called rude again, I really don't want "life coaching." In any case, we can't afford it. We have a big mortgage, me working part time, and nursery fees to pay.

It probably is me who is the problem. I think this every day.

OP posts:

PaintingByNumbers · 12/07/2017 12:20

This sounds exactly the kind of situation where professional advice/support via coaching or counselling would be useful. You sound a bit stuck in a negative cycle of thinking perhaps, and an outside view might open up options you were closing down without realising. And you did sound v snippy to panda, perhaps that is a reflection of how things are in rl at the moment as well? Not going to help at work.

singaporeslingshot · 12/07/2017 12:20

I agree that five days a week is too much nursery for a baby. Lots of people on MN think that f/t nursery is fine, so you might come across some strange attitudes.

But I'm with you, don't dunk the baby in nursery full time if you don't have to.

MatildaTheCat · 12/07/2017 12:21

OP, repost on the relationships board. You do need to unpick the issues and work on a plan that helps you to find a more healthy work and home situation.

It's not impossible to find part time work even if it's not your current field. Many, many women retrain or work in another field after children.

Are the issues with dh new since the baby was born or longer standing? If you are unhappy you need to decide if you can both work to fix the problems or work on a plan to leave. Nobody should stay unhappy for the sake of the children in the 21st century.

PaintingByNumbers · 12/07/2017 12:21

Try the gp for counselling? If you can afford you as a sahp, why cant you afford a few counselling sessions though?

singaporeslingshot · 12/07/2017 12:21

Also, can you tell us more about your current work situation? In what way are you being made to feel not welcome? You post sounds as though you are being bullied out. Is that how it is?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11