To be unable to work out if my job or my husband are the problem?

[shadycornerofthegarden]

After returning from maternity leave after February half term, it's been made clear to me I'm not welcome at work.

I feel constantly sick and scared about going in.

Every day I think I just just hand in my notice and be a SAHM. Should be easy - my husband earns enough, we have enough for a happy if rather meager existence if we stayed in our current property (big mortgage)

What puts me off doing this is I'm not completely happy in my marriage either. I'm definitely not at the point of leaving. I was raised to believe you stay with the father of your children. And our baby loves his dad.

But I feel like I am stuck. Stuck in a horrible job and I can't talk about it with the person I'm meant to be closest too as he will just tell me to leave with just a bit too much light in his eyes. nd that scares me.

Just seen the update that you are a teacher.

Why has the environment changed at school? New head / SLT? New academy?
Are you expensive and think they are trying to get rid of you for budget reasons?

Would you consider supply? Tutoring? A move into more speak list provision eg a PRU?

Are you in danger of being put on capability?

Don't get offended at the advice!

Your job and your dh might well both be problems from what you have said (possibly as well as of it being a probelm if you a bit snippy with people).

I agree with others that if you are not happy with dh you should definitely go full time. Certainly don't sahm in those circs.

I think you have an instinct about this that you should listen to.

It's hard to know if your job colleagues are a problem or not because we aren't there to judge.

What I was going to say is that as you're not happy with your husband, leaving work would be a really stupid idea, and if you don't want to go full time and the only alternative jobs are full time, then sucking it up in your part time role would appear to be the only option.

But as you're a teacher, there are other options for you to make money aside from staying in your current role or going full time. First of all, part time teaching jobs do exist. I don't know what the situation is for your subject and geographic location, but they do. Are you quite certain there is nothing? If that's a no, then you can look at supply and tutoring.

What would be a really stupid idea is giving up work entirely. That light you mention in your DHs eyes, that sounds frightening.

Stuck in a horrible job and I can't talk about it with the person I'm meant to be closest too as he will just tell me to leave with just a bit too much light in his eyes. nd that scares me.

I think the exact meaning of this needs to be clarified. You mean you are scared of the fact that you have nobody to talk to about this? Or you mean that the look on your husband's face scares you? I think we need to know.

Teaching is a hard job and teachers do seem to be having a particularly hard time right now. But if there is something about your partner that is making you uneasy, for God's sake don't quit working.

If I were in your shoes, I'd do supply.

You could get a feel for a few schools and then settle somewhere if you wanted to.

Not as much money but you won't have all the other stuff which impacts home life.

The relationship with dh- has it always been negative or is it the pressures of small child and work? It's hard when dc are young, the dynamics of relationships change and I think it can take a while to adjust.

Sorry, I cross posted with your I'm a Teacher post.

Starting back mid year did you get the shitty classes everyone else wanted to dump and then get all the criticism that they're grades aren't up to scratch, books are behind and discipline is poor?

I'm not surprised you're exhausted at this time of year, all the teachers I know are too and they haven't had babies this academic year either.

Just start a countdown clock to the 6 weeks to step away from it all. Rest for a couple of weeks then start a September action plan. With things like which bits of criticism matter (I think some HOD's forget they're addressing adults when they go over books etc).

As you are a teacher you could ring the educational support network. It's free and there's no commitment.

Have you posted before? I seem to remember a very unhappy teacher going back to work a few months ago who wouldn't entertain any kind of emotional support even though they had no one and needed some help.

In the current climate, if you think you're being inched towards capability, you probably are. It would be better to get another job asap than be put on competency. Colleges often advertise part time, obviously pay and conditions are different. Teaching when you're not part of the golden group it terrible for your mental health and stress levels.

People are suggesting counselling because you said in your OP that you can't talk to your DH about your problem.
So:
Do you have family you can talk to
Do you have friends you can talk to
Are you going to let your marriage slowly shrivel up and die
Will you talk to you husband about your marriage
What about a relationship counsellor
Can you talk to your GP
Could you be suffering from PND
Can you talk to HR or a union rep
Can you talk to a lawyer or citizen's advice

Maybe your DH has a light in his eyes because he loves you, wants the best for you, and thinks this could make you happy. Or maybe he's controlling and this gives him power over you.

The problem is we don't have enough information to give you solid helpful advice.

I was bullied in work nearly 15 years ago and still remember the sick feelings I had, the feelings of anxiety and the overwhelming and constant stress, nausea, waking in the middle of the night and so on and so on.

Whatever else you do find someone in RL to talk to. And do not leace this thread until you've found something that helps.

I know my husband would be very upset about DS being in nursery full time

so perhaps he'd like to go part-time and look after DS?

If you believe full-time nursery is a bad thing, then it's a joint decision as to how to deal with it. It's not a question of baby needs looking after so mum needs to work part-time. If it is, then you do have an issue in your relationship. It is really time that we moved on culturally from expecting women to be the ones at home. I don't like the "light in his eyes" comment either - is that because you'd be at home, having to do what he says, because he'd hold the pursestrings even more than he does already? I don't like the way you keep saying you are the problem, either - has he or someone else been saying to you so much that you believe it?

But, if you are a teacher, presumably you could move on quite easily if you are unhappy where you are? You say most roles are advertised as FT but I am sure there are plenty of part-time options around. There simply are not enough experienced teachers around for schools to be too fussy about working patterns.

For goodness sake, she wasn't even that rude- and she's apologised more than once. It's far ruder to keep berating someone clearly feeling very low, unhappy at work and unsure of her marriage, for one slightly sharp retort. It's also very unkind to make comments such as "It is difficult to know if you are rude like that in rl and if that affects your job." and "You were extremely rude to panda. Has it ever occurred to you that you are the problem". PPs are bullying the OP here, and it's disgusting to see.

OP, you sound very low. Have you thought about seeing a medical professional to find out whether you could do with some support around that? You keep saying you think you probably are the problem- please don't take the unkind comments about that here to heart. The problem never, ever lies with only one person, and no one posting on this thread has any more knowledge of your life than what you have shared here, so apart from it being nasty of them, it's a ridiculous assertion to make- what on earth do they have to base it on?

I think the advice you were given to contact the Careers service is good. What's going on with your marriage? It's concerning to hear that you feel scared by how you think your husband would respond to you resigning, that you think he'd refuse to pay childcare if you went full time, that you feel you can't talk to him about your worries.

You probably feel worse than you did when you started this thread, but please don't be put off by unkind posters.

as you are a teacher I suspect you are suffering what a lot fo teachers are suffering at the moment.

You are experienced and therefore expensive.
Schools are looking to lose staff due to this years terrible funding issues.
Staff are finding themselves subject to extra scrutiny and potentially losing their jobs so that schools can off load staff.

If you go to the staff room board you will see lots there about it.

But on th eother hand as a teacher the options are enormous.
There are tutoring agencies
supply teaching
part time jobs advertised all the time as job shares etc.

Are you primary or secondary? I would go over to the staff room board and post there, and see what other say. In the meantime, look at you local website and see what is advertised and try and move jobs.

Getting out of one poor situation will take some of the stress off, and allow you space to think about your relationship and what you want there.

OP your situation seems really stressful. I was feeling overwhelmed myself, and had similar feelings as you have expressed. I had financial reservations around counselling, so I soldiered on. Eventually I was able to access life coaching similar to how some people above mentioned, through professional orgs etc taking the financial pain away. You can only do your best, not put pressure on yourself to be perfect, or solve everything in one fell swoop. Take care of yourself.

The thing is, OP, it is very difficult for us to know, in the light of some of your responses here, whether your perceptions are part of the issue(s). You were staggeringly rude to the very first person to respond to your OP - that isn't berating you, it's a statement of fact - and you didn't seem to think it was rude, really, only conceding it might have been when several people pointed it out. And you were rude to her because you thought she might have been pushing MLM, even though there was nothing at all in that post to suggest it, which suggests a degree of unreasonable suspicion towards others - perhaps that suspicion has been created by being scapegoated at work and knowing your dh doesn't have your best interests at heart, or perhaps work and dh are coming in for a degree of unjust suspicion. And it's rather inconsistent that you reject out of hand any idea of talking things over with a person who is both outside the situation and fundamentally on your side - that is all coaching/counselling is in this context - but are coming to an anonymous forum.

Job-wise, I agree with the PP who suggested supply. You're not stuck at one school for long, not subject to over-critical management, you're flexible re hours, still earning money and likely to be continuously in demand, and keeping your hand in/gaining experience for another post further down the line one day.

Does your dh make working difficult for you? How much does he do with the baby? In the house? Does he make comments about how it would be nicer if you were at home? How are your finances arranged?

My company employ very few people full time in admin positions, we find they are happier and get as much done in 3 or 4 days.

PPs are bullying the OP here, and it's disgusting to see.

It's not "bullying". It's calling her out on her poor behaviour posting style. Just because some people are treating you badly, it does not give you permission to treat others badly.

I think your instincts about not leaving work are spot on - you could be quite vulnerable if you are suddenly reliant on your partners income. I would therefore start to focus on improving your position- looking into other jobs/tutoring but don't leave until you have something to go into. Also, if you are feeling very tired or low try going to the GP it might welll be a vitamin deficiency/ another physical issue which is sitting on top of the stress and exacerbating it (and making it much harder to find the energy to improve your position)

Do you have the option of officially sharing a class or maybe giving your class away so you can they can use your skills as for other types of teaching work? (Cover maybe). Coming back from mat leave is a big deal & this might just be you struggling with managing a whole class' workload on p/t hours.

re the scrutiny and emails why not turn it 360 and book a meeting with the author of the email to suggest alternatives to the way that you are planning currently?

You sound unhappy and defensive. Summer holidays are not long off. Have you had chance to let your hair down lately?

I wouldn't do supply teaching, childcare at short notice is a nightmare and if you do supply they will ask you to do other days from advertised,

I don't think people are bullying you OP, but they are pointing out that you seem to feel that you are being victimised and that the situation is out of your control - neither of which is true from what you've said on here. I do think you'd benefit from speaking to someone about your life but you'd have to be open-minded to get the best from that.

As PP have said, it's not long until the holidays which should give you some breathing space in the meantime.

OP- sorry you're having a hard time.

obviously no one on this thread knows you personally, but your responses paint a picture of someone who is hard to get along with & doesn't read situations very well. That might be you in general, you at this juncture in life, or just how you are in this thread. An objective third party might be able to help you sift through it all, whether it's a GP or community counsellor.

In relation to your original question- I think you're not sure about your marriage long term then for the sake of yourself and your child you should nurture your career to ensure that you can be self sufficient in the future, especially given you've just had some time away. If you take more time away now, your skills will fall further behind and put you in a disadvantaged position for when / if you need to return to work.

If you do become a SAHM then I suggest also using the time to do further education or professional development, so you continue to move forward on your career path and keep options open.

Do not leave work if you are at all worried about your husband/relationship.

Document the shit out of everything that happens to you in a factual, emotionless way, and if you can compare it to previous years where you were not treated like that, make a note of that.

Hang the fuck in there and try to talk to someone about it over the holidays - there's plenty of low cost online counselling around that would be perfect for helping you think through what's going on here.

Alternatively, get in touch with some teacher agencies - a mate of mine works for one and says they're crying out for people right now, they may well be able to find you a new pt post.

OK I am a trained coach - I don't practice professionally at the moment through choice. BUT it is def not MLM or whatever.

As part of the training often people have to have some practice - if you contacted someone running a professional course (would be easy to google and sort through to one you think might fit with you) they might be able to put you in touh with someone to do a FOC consultation as long as you allow them to anon document for their course work.

It does make you face up to things about your own behaviour as well as others, it does ask the challenging questions but it also makes you focus on your goals out of being on earth and what makes you happy and how you can potentially chance things and stops blocking behaviour that you might have. I mean whats to lose.

Other than that I would say

Work wise:
Are you working what you want to work (hrs wise and job wise)
What would you change and why
How might you do that - what are your options
How could you widen your options (e.g. training, quals, practice etc)

Home wise
How do you want the child care to work?
DH doesn't want child in FT childcare so what is he prepared to do to accommodate that? e.g. friends of mine both went 3 days a week for a few yrs - equivalent jobs has to be said then they went up to 4 or 5 depending on when opportunity arose.
Think about the respect DH has for what you do professionally, why is that? What is it based on? Purely the ££

The future/if things are rocky
If you don't want to be vulnerable what do you need in place, how might you make that happen? What are the blockers and opportunities?

Maybe one option is you could get a self coaching book and work through some of the exercises. I do get where you are coming from regarding your views on life coaching - seems too new agey etc but the reality is how many of us now sit around the table with the older generations and talk life experience openly and freely, how many of us have those generations close to hand or able to understand a desire to have a career etc.

OP, I don't know why you keep saying that you are the problem. That screams the need to have some sort of coaching or counselling. However you want to dress it up you need to speak with an external party to work through the root of the issues you are going through.

OP, I would strongly recommend not leaving your job given your feelings about your marriage. You would be in a financially vulnerable position.

Have you tried addressing the work issues head on? Ask for a meeting with the head / senior management. Say that you've had some criticism about your planning, and would welcome some feedback on how to improve.