To be unable to work out if my job or my husband are the problem?

[shadycornerofthegarden]

After returning from maternity leave after February half term, it's been made clear to me I'm not welcome at work.

I feel constantly sick and scared about going in.

Every day I think I just just hand in my notice and be a SAHM. Should be easy - my husband earns enough, we have enough for a happy if rather meager existence if we stayed in our current property (big mortgage)

What puts me off doing this is I'm not completely happy in my marriage either. I'm definitely not at the point of leaving. I was raised to believe you stay with the father of your children. And our baby loves his dad.

But I feel like I am stuck. Stuck in a horrible job and I can't talk about it with the person I'm meant to be closest too as he will just tell me to leave with just a bit too much light in his eyes. nd that scares me.

Thanks. No cultural differences at play but a bit of an age gap. Not a hugely drastic one, though.

It's hard as wherever I am I feel unhappy and uncomfortable.

If youre on facebook look up the quarter life coach, she is doing a free 7 day course at the minute for increasing confidence. I know youve said you dont want a life coach but she is nothing to do with forever living or anything similar. Im doing this course and Ive found it really good, she emails out a workbook with mini challenges in it to do each day (or whenever you can manage) and she emails a video too about 10 mins long to listen to each day for 7 days. She does do other courses that you can pay for but theres no upselling with her. I think this could help you a bit, it sounds like your confidence is really low.
While youre stuck in the situation you're in, be kind to yourself. As a pp said, do something small for yourself - there is loads on youtube from yoga to learning to play guitar to meditation or exercise routines etc. Find something for you, even if its reading free books on your kindle! Just to make it more bearable for now and keep you going until you are ready to change another aspect of your life or another pt position opens up. Ultimatly I think it sou ds like youre not happy with your dh so will eventually leave, if thats the case then start doing small bits now to help you for when the time comes youre brave enough to do it. Start taking back the power

no, I really don't want a "life coach".

Well if you keep yourself closed off to all avenues of help then youre going to stay stuck arent you.

If you're unhappy in your job and unsure how it would be staying at home, why not give home a go and see how it works out? You want a part time job which is much harder to find in teaching, but it's not impossible and by the time you start looking again (if being at home doesn't work out) your little one will be older and maybe childcare won't be such an issue? I.e. you could maybe go for full-time again then?
There are always choices but it can feel like you're trapped. If the thought of being at home panics you then it's the relationship which is the major problem, but if you're just unsure what being a stay at home mum would be like it might be worth a try.

I see ... so I don't do as you suggest and I am "closing off all avenues of help"?

Very politely, the last thing I need (and I cannot put any more emphasis on that if I try) is a set of "mini challenges" or ten minutes of a video. I already do do things for myself, but unfortunately they are no help. It's difficult to enjoy a book when you feel like throwing up because it's work tomorrow and it's hard to focus on playing the guitar when, well, as above really.

i'm not trying to be difficult, but I did make it clear I don't want a life coach and I don't know why it's being pushed on me. My problems are work based and relationship based and feeling so horribly lonely. Yet because I don't want to be spending time and effort on playing the guitar I am closing off avenues of support?

Peeky I think I am going to have to resign ultimately. But getting another position now or in the future may prove difficult.

*panda^ very dignified and gracious response - well done!

OP - make sure DH is aware that in the case of a divorce you'd be looking at him having dc half the week so you could both work ft.

DO you know anyone else in a similar position in your field. A friend of mine in a similar position to you teamed up with a professional acquaintance and they applied for a "dream job" as a job-share team and got it. I think the big issue for them is that they agreed they'd both work all day Wednesday to allow for hand over. It meant that they earned a little bit less as they got 5 days pay for a 6 day week but the additional nursery cost for the extra half a day wasn't that much and the job satisfaction was massive. (And they both took massive steps up their career ladders when they went back ft. )

If you read back your last post 'I already do do things for myself but unfortunately, they are no help' doesn't that say that the stress has become all consuming and crept into every element of life so it really is time to chat to your GP.

Stress is very much a part of life but when it becomes lifes focus the balance has tipped and it must be hard to rationalise anything.

Wouod you consider getting signed off work now. Get a head start of sanity preservation. Get to a point where the day doesn't start with stress and you can start to work through some of this stuff.

Problem is ripple I really would be putting the final nail into my work-coffin, although maybe I should just accept the inevitable. I just never thought my teaching career would be "over" after just four years.

Apply for full time jobs. Ask at interview about pt or in your letter say youd prefer pt.

If being so stressed you need to take time put is the final nail in the work coffin better that than it being a real one.

Nothing is worth that degree of stress. How can you even begin to think straight about home life and baby when you feel so permanently stresee and sick that nothing helps.

It really comes across as a depression to me. I'm not medically qualified so don't k ow type or degree of depression but as a fellow human being I know that if this stress has taken over your ability to rationalise and enjoy any element of life then you need to accept help.

Every piece of advice youve been given youve come up with some reason why it wont work - that is why I said you are closing off all avenues of help, not because you dismissed my advice alone. I think at the moment you cannot see a way out and so you cannot see how anything may be helpful at all so really anything anybody suggests in your eyes wont work

Sorry to sound harsh but if you are only 4 years qualified, unless you've leapfrogged straight into a SLT role or something then you aren't expensive. You're MORE expensive than a TF teacher or NQT yes but I've got mates who've been teaching for 15 years and looking for new jobs and ok sometimes they go for the cheaper option but not every time.

And yes lots of people go part time. I have many friends who are PT teachers. Including a family member.

That being said: this is the WORST time of year when everything feels utterly hopeless. You are demoralised and knackered. I would say you need to get proper targets from your subject leader and then start looking for another job at the start of next term with the private aim to hand in your notice before half term. Then you know you have a plan of sorts. You are not the problem at work, they are and there are schools unfortunately all over like this. They suck. They destroy good teachers. It is not you. Your colleagues will be a mixture of cunts and of people who are just glad it isn't them being picked on.

You sound like the exact sort of person who should be a teacher because you want to be there! I hope you can get some confidence in yourself back. xx

Id like to also say that the reason I suggested that lady is because her course is free as you previously said you cannot afford anything...

Why not tutoring? Don't give up earning entirely, not if your DH has that attitude. And have you got contraception nailed down? Another baby is the last thing you want to add to this scenario.

surely you can apply elsewhere to work if it's the people who are making things difficult for you?

You sound very down and almost depressed - have you discussed your feelings with your HV or GP?

I'm definitely not at the point of leaving. I was raised to believe you stay with the father of your children. And our baby loves his dad

It sounds like you are setting yourself pre-concieved limits on what is 'possible' - hence the 'futile' attitude.
You're allowing others opinions to dictate how you live your life - and that will never make you happy.

I take it your dh wants you to be a SAHM - hence the 'light in his eyes'.
I'm also assuming that you're afraid of losing financial independence if you give up work?

There are options available to you - get a new job in a different sector, be a SAHM and do voluntary work so you can continue building on your skills, downsizing to a cheaper house, or leaving your dh if he is not making you happy.
your baby will pick up on the tensions in your marriage and it WILL affect them.
your baby can be happy and loved even if the parents separate.

Getting a new position is going to be difficult because I am more expensive than NQTs/Teach First (how the majority of positions round here seem to be filled) and budgets are tight.

Re part time, there are many PT teachers but I think like me they started off FT and requested PT hours after having a baby. In other words, they didn't apply for a PT position initially.

I'm not trying to sound negative it's just when you say you don't want something it grates a bit when people try to start an argument about it.

Anyway - I probably shouldn't have posted, I just feel so unhappy about everything.

Only a couple of weeks to go until the holidays though. Maybe a break and a rest will help and being away from school for a little while? It's not the best time if you're feeling stressed or overwhelmed to make major decisions. What are your relationship issues? Do you think they are fixable?

Please contact the education support network. It's gov funded, free and anonymous. I had telephone counselling from them when I was house bound and very poorly and it was nice to have someone to talk to who put the effort in to understanding me and how I felt.

There's only a week left and hopefully it's lots of discos and trips to keep things light. Aim to be out for xmas. If you need to work full time in a new job your dc won't be scarred, lots of people work full time. A depressed, unhappy mum who works part time isn't ideal is it? A depressed unhappy mum stuck in an unhappy relationship because she doesn't work isn't ideal is it? Put your own life jacket on first

I think in your situation i would just stay job-searching. Just look at anything and everything that's available and start applying. Go to interviews, ask about PT when you're there.

At the same time, maybe consider going FT. Ok, DH doesn't want nursery full time and you're not keen either, but something has to give. Baby won't be this small for long.

If DH isn't supportive with DC his wishes would be last on my list of priorities.

start job-hunting, that should say ^

The majority of times when someone in a full time role goes part time the school have to make a decission to absorb and cover the extra hours or advertise a post. As you say posts tend to be advertised as full time. That isn't necessarily financially the best solution for the school but they've made a call to let a teacher go part time rather than lose them and have hours to cover so throw out the line and see what they catch.

Until you've applied, interviewed and negotiated for three posts and had three knock backs are you sure you're best placed to second guess what all the schools want?

"I don't want and can't afford life coaching. Ditto counselling. I should not have posted. I probably am the problem anyway."

"no, I really don't want to learn, what's the point a "life coach"."

Sorry but you sound a bit like a teenager: can't/shan't/won't!
If one of your pupils was saying these things, how would you counsel them?

i know and understand that 'grating' feeling, OP.

However......something has to change and it's for you to decide where/how that change will happen.
Your current set up isn't giving you a sense of fulfillment or joy - so it can't continue.

i'm getting the feeling from your tone that you are feeling very depressed.
Adding to that are pregnancy/post natal hormones and associated changes.
I'm on anti-depressants for 'normal' depression, it doesn't change my world view as such but it does help prevent my mood from remaining low. Slowly, bit by bit i'm getting my fire - and life- back.

Please talk to your HV/GP and get some insight/help from them.
PND is something i've never experienced but if it's even half as bad as 'normal' depression then you definitely need to speak to your gp/hv