To be unable to work out if my job or my husband are the problem?

[shadycornerofthegarden]

After returning from maternity leave after February half term, it's been made clear to me I'm not welcome at work.

I feel constantly sick and scared about going in.

Every day I think I just just hand in my notice and be a SAHM. Should be easy - my husband earns enough, we have enough for a happy if rather meager existence if we stayed in our current property (big mortgage)

What puts me off doing this is I'm not completely happy in my marriage either. I'm definitely not at the point of leaving. I was raised to believe you stay with the father of your children. And our baby loves his dad.

But I feel like I am stuck. Stuck in a horrible job and I can't talk about it with the person I'm meant to be closest too as he will just tell me to leave with just a bit too much light in his eyes. nd that scares me.

stop I haven't been rude to anybody, in fact.

I think it might be best if I stop posting here as for some reason people keep calling me names. Maybe I am a horrible person and this is why DH thinks I must be kept away from other people's children but I didn't ever struggle like this.

Not that I think anyone will care but it is so HARD to get back into teaching with no references and with a break that's exactly what I'll have. I just feel it's best now if I give up. I am really, REALLY sorry that saying I don't want life coaching has led to these responses, I really am, as maybe otherwise I could have talked about this, but now I can't and it's reall unfair as I said nothing bad. Just that I wasn't interesed in it. and I'm NOT.

@stopfuckingshoutingatme I've reported you for that particular bit of nastiness. The OP was pulled up on it straight away and has explained herself repeatedly. Maybe read the whole thread before you attack and you would have read how comments like yours have had her in tears today

Teachers are like gold dust in many parts of the country. Rather than looking at supply, why not seek out longer term part time contracts?

There are often maternity cover posts or long-term sickness posts that need good teachers.

Oh for godsake leave the op alone and bloody get over the life coach shit. You sound incredibly low op, how old is your baby?

shady
The more you post, the more you sound depressed. It is really really hard to see your way forward when your mood is low. I would strongly suggest you see your GP. Get a full physical health check as well because things like anaemia are not uncommon after pregnancy and can make everything harder. Don't rule out taking anti-depressants for a while if the GP thinks they are the right approach. If your mood is lifted you may see more options than you can now.

Do you think it's possible that you are depressed OP?

Maybe I am a horrible person and this is why DH thinks I must be kept away from other people's children but I didn't ever struggle like this.

Has he actually said this?

See, I don't quite get the "we have huge spendings but I work part time" thing. If I were in your position I'd find a full-time or a better paid job and have a long and serious chat with my DH.

I'm genuinely shocked at how badly OP has been treated in this thread.

She came here with some questions, clarified 13 billion times that she doesn't want a life coach and wants to continue teaching.

Apart from that first response, which wasn't really that bad and was a misunderstanding, she hasn't been even close to rude. What she has been is consistently having to defend herself.

What is wrong with people? Give her a fucking break.

Clopy

Totally agree

I don't think you should resign. Go back to the head of year and say you want a performance plan next year. Do not let them beat you.

You are feeling down and this is affecting both home and work. So only you can turn it round. The holidays are here, take that time to dwell on what you want.

I am not in your profession but I have been in the depth of despair with my career. I worked through it, put my head down and worked through it. Having had the summer weeks off could ou go back with a different view point.

I don't think you are ready for another baby so don't go down that route just yet.

It is amazing what a change in attitude can do, if you believe in yourself then you can achieve great things. You have the bottom sets but if you encourage just one of them to go on and achieve things, that would be great achievement.

Good luck.

Agree with Cloppy.

You are not the problem in your (very difficult) situation. You have a difficult employer (and job) and DH.

I don't think you should be a SAHM and take all that financial risk when your DH isn't 100% reliable.

Your H doesn't get to decide how much childcare you use, or how to use family money - if he tries, that could be deemed abusive.

A childminder or nanny might be good: even nanny can be more cost effective (long term) than you quitting work.

It sounds like your husband wants you pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen ad infinitum. That alone would make me miserable and depressed.
The work situation would compound it and now you're in a rut.
I can see how you feel - already down and unsupported - it hardly inspires confidence to make life changing decisions for the better, you poor thing.
It's the summer holidays soon .... maybe a breather from the situation will help and you can look for another post? FGS don't give up work (by all means chance jobs) if you think your marriage might not last.

Just to say I think you were a bit snippy about life coaching but you apologised, but got told off anyway. I've noticed that threads are often a but "follow the leader" with early comments determining how it will go. It might have been more constructive if people focused on the issues you had raised.

Reported

And I saw OP apologised / but honest to god when you have both career and husband struggles I whole heartedly recemmend investing in taking therapy

You are clearly stuck OP and maybe suffering from depression caused by a shit husband. Or residual post natal deoression and mean colleagues . Or other issues ?

But none of these will fix themselves unless you spend some time looking at stuff and working things out

Honestly having had both talking therapy and career coaching I recommend both

Personally from a self preservation perspective I would focus on work issues first as in the Maslow hierarchy of needs being able to provide for yourself is invaluable

Sorry if I made you feel worst I was just shocked

Wishing you we'll OP

Oh and you are not the problem !

But your self esteem shouted out as low

Hence why we are all saying the same bloody thing
Sorry OP

But so many of us have been there

And again sorry x 1000 if people made you feel sore / don't forget people often read the first page and post - which is very unfortunate in this scenario

Anyway I won't repeat my annoying advice

Maybe get that first reply deleted and let the good vibes flow

Honestly OP I was in a state when I looked at the fast trains and visualised throwing myself under them .
Many times / and each time I get
Myself into therapy my dear as that what works for me
Dark thoughts

Returning to work after a baby is fucking hard , - contrilling husbands are hard , bitchy colleague suck too

But get yourself a bit clearer and focussed and you CAN handle this I mean it

Why on earth is everyone on this thread so obsessed with life coaching?!? The OP has been clear that she doesn't want it and can't afford it. Coaching / counselling / whatever you want to call it isn't for everyone. OP is there any possibility of you looking for a different kind of work before you quit your teaching job? How about marking exam papers or something like that, that you could do from home? It sounds like you might have concerns around your husband and control? If so, fully agree you should try to maintain some independence, if for nothing else than your self esteem.

Sorry if this has been mentioned but I've only scanned the thread..

What do you teach? Is 6th form college or adult ed an option? I know it's different but just something to keep your skills up (and reference) whilst you get the expensive child care but out the way. And they're often more flexible. If your son is 2 you've only got a year before you'll have more flexibility in terms of work to childcare ratio.

Or if you feel so trapped that you would have to be a sahm, put a professional grievance in at work about their behaviour and push it to the end. I don't work in teaching (but public sector) and I know situations where it's been hideously awkward but given people enough leeway to get a reference and apply for other jobs.

Lastly have you considered life coaching? Kidding! But what about mentoring? Is there someone from uni or ex colleagues who are really experienced and you'll got respect for who can help you see options? Sometimes it's good just to get an outsiders perspective or a reminder about why you're awesome.

In meantime look after yourself. This sounds a bloody awful situation, find stuff to do to which helps you feel good. I run and read. It connects me with me. Looking after kids can feel lonely and separate you from you.

Reading the whole thread, it does seem to me that the H is actually the bigger problem. I bet he's constantly undermining OP's confidence, which is going to make it harder to deal with the stresses she's suffering at work. He's leaving all the domestic work and childcare to her, refusing to do anything to make her life easier, and keeping up the pressure for her to stop work and become his full-time servant and breeding animal.

OP you are going to need strategies to get out of the marriage fairly soon. A man who is convince that he is the only one who matters in a family is never going to change.

And I do understand how hard teaching is at present - I work in education myself (admin, not teaching) and have seen happy schools turn into absolute clusterfucks when new senior management come in with an agenda to 'turn the place around' - the whole system of constant monitoring and nitpicking is hugely unhealthy for both staff and pupils.

Totally agree--the husband sounds like he is badly undermining the OP's confidence and trying to control and emotionally manipulate here. I am not getting a good vibe about him at all.

OP, is there really nobody in real life you can talk to? A friend, a sister, a colleague? Are you very socially isolated?

What ever you do, do NOT give up working. Because that sounds like a profoundly dangerous act when your DH is this way and your feelings about your marriage are so ambiguous.

The H is indeed the problem. Not doing his fair share of parenting, perhaps financially controlling, and "mapping out" OP's life.

Not a man on whom a SAHM could rely.

Shady, I'm not a teacher but I have been where you are. I resigned form work due to the bullying causing stress, causing so many other problems. I walked away from a very very good job because I couldn't take it any more.

So in the short term yes, you should resign. and get the worry and stress out of your life. You may not be aware of it at the moment but the likelihood is this has been affecting your health and mood.

You need to take a longer term view of your life and whether or not your DH has a place in it. You say you're not ready to leave him and hopefully you'll be able to work things out and muddle along together (if not happily then not unhappily). Once you have the stress of your current job out of your life it will be easier to see where your relationship is. I believe marriage is for life, but if my DH and I had split he would still be a good father and my children would still love him.

If you could take a few weeks to reflect on your life and how your going to get where you want to go you might find things easier. If you have to work full-time for a year or so to get your long term aim of working part-time access whether this is what you're prepared to do. If you really want to work part-time now, then you may have to tutor, but that's okay if it fits with YOUR long term plan.

This point in your life is only temporary, you need to decide where you're going.

I understand that if you stop teaching now it will be really difficult to get back in.I think that however hard you need not to give up working but look for other posts the stress may be less when your baby starts nursery.
What is not right is that your husband is not supporting you but is undermining you.This is not normal ,right or what families are.If you do not stick this bit out and leave then a few years down the line you will be truly stuck with maybe 2 children and no financial way to get out and regretting leaving teaching which you love.
I'm so sorry your in this place at the moment and hope the summer helps you together a view of the longer term situation.If leaving your DH has to become a reality then believe you can do it and the retationship board are v.supportive and will not make unhelpful twatish comments about life coaching where it's not wanted.

I think it could be really good if posters would see if they can actually find the OP stating that it is her desire to work part-time before basing their advice on her not wanting to work full-time.

And also if they're going to advise her to be a SAHM for a while, despite seeing what a controlling cunt her husband is and how this will place her in a very bad position with regard to leaving him at any point, because they 'believe marriage is for life' - so fuck her - it would probably be good of them to state that that is their angle at the top of their post. Looking at you, mikeyssister, but there have been others.