To be unable to work out if my job or my husband are the problem?

[shadycornerofthegarden]

After returning from maternity leave after February half term, it's been made clear to me I'm not welcome at work.

I feel constantly sick and scared about going in.

Every day I think I just just hand in my notice and be a SAHM. Should be easy - my husband earns enough, we have enough for a happy if rather meager existence if we stayed in our current property (big mortgage)

What puts me off doing this is I'm not completely happy in my marriage either. I'm definitely not at the point of leaving. I was raised to believe you stay with the father of your children. And our baby loves his dad.

But I feel like I am stuck. Stuck in a horrible job and I can't talk about it with the person I'm meant to be closest too as he will just tell me to leave with just a bit too much light in his eyes. nd that scares me.

What is your profession, and how plentiful are jobs near you? Any related/similar jobs you could do with a bit of retraining, that are more family-friendly?

I actually think you'd benefit from seeing a counsellor - it sounds like there's a lot going on for you, and you'd benefit from getting an outside perspective. I appreciate that it's expensive, but you're at a point where you're trying to make some very big decisions under some pressure, and having another person to talk to can be incredibly valuable.

I find it weird that you seem to dismiss coaching but are on here asking for what is effectively coaching.

If it helps, i'm very successful and wealthy, and I use coaching frequently - and many others like me do to.

It is no different to having a personal trainer or a cleaner - you get help with things you find difficult on your own. It produces results (ie better/more well paid jobs).

OP what is going on at work that is making you unhappy, can you explain?

How old is your child? My son went to nursery from 8 months and my daughter from a year. Both part-time but they thrive there and could easily cope with a full week.

If your marriage has the potential to fall apart within the next ten years I wouldn't become SAHM on purpose. Look for other jobs perhaps and take current role a week at a time.

FFS how many more people want to come on here and berate the way the OP has spoken to Panda. She's apologised for her sharp words. Move on.

I also work part time in possibly the same kind of job and I also find it difficult. I don't feel like I fit in anymore and I'm not treated like the long term member of staff that I am. No one tells me anything, I have stuff dumped on me at the last moment after plans got changed but no one bothered informing me until the last minute. The woman I job share with is determined to get my role so that she can be FT and has repeatedly undermined me and because she spends a lot of her time with her head up my boss's arse my boss seems to think that this woman is wonderful and let's her get away with only doing the minimum. Anything other people don't want to do gets dumped at my door- usually an executive decision is made by FT staff on the days I'm not in. I feel like an outsider and that I'm just there to have the crap jobs dumped on me. I feel miserable. Fortunately I'm going on maternity leave next week so I've a whole year to decide what I'm going to do next as I don't want to return to this job or even this line of work.

OP, you can't sort out both things at the same time so you need to choose one or other to change now. If it's the job that's making you feel worse then do something about that. Do you actually enjoy your job or is it just the people who are making you feel unwelcome. In my case, I don't want to work with the people but I also don't want to do that job anymore. I'm worn down by it. Once you've sorted out the job situation then you start thinking about your marriage/relationship. It might be that once you're feeling happier in a new job that your relationship sorts itself out, or it may reinforce that actually you need out of the relationship. Good luck.

If you can't afford a few session of help whilst working, you really can't afford to quit.

Ok, so we've established one thing you don't want (life coaching) and I infer from your pp that you don't want to be full time, but you are ambivalent about being part time or SAHM. You can't talk to your DH about it and you have no spare cash for professional outside help.

Are you a member of a professional body as they often have professional development departments?

Can I suggest you contact the National Careers Services - they are a government funded organisation dedicated to helping people with career decisions, training choices etc. you can find them online at nationalcareersservice.direct.gov.uk/contact-us/home

Irrespective of whether you return to work or not I think it might be very helpful for you to talk through all this angst that you feel, which is quite understandable. New baby, unhappy marriage and an awful job - any one of these can be very stressful and you have all 3. Your HV or GP may be able to help with counselling. Don't dismiss this out of hand. You have some major concerns with 3 very important areas of your life and there is nothing wrong in seeking help and support. Whether you call it life coaching, counselling or professional development matters not one jot, as long as you find the means to move forwards in the direction you wish to go.

I am a teacher.

Since coming back, I just find everything I do is criticised. On my days off my books are scrutinised and I get sharp messages with the world and his wife CCd in about how bad my planning is. Yet I'm not doing anything different.

I've been given difficult classes and no permanent base which adds to the problem.

I'm not actually making any sort of "profit" from working, which is why we could afford for me to be a SAHM. But it just feels like a drastic step to resign.

You were extremely rude to panda. Has it ever occurred to you that you are the problem.*

This is exactly what I was going to say. Nothing about that post suggested some kind of sales pitch.

Maybe at work it's just that you feel they resent you being part time and so you read more in to things. Maybe no one actually has a problem. I've had this in a social group, one person due to a past issue feels the rest of the group don't really want her there and so over reacts to lots of little things, which leaves the others confused because they just asked a simple question (for example) and have no problem with her.

Sorry. That was long and both my paragraphs and bold failed

Are you in a subject where you can tutor (from home, even)?

My view is that the family is the bedrock. It sounds like there's enough money coming in to feed and house you, so I'd focus on that first. Tread water at work, don't give it any emotional energy, just stay put for space and time outside of the house to work out your marriage and what's best for your baby.

At that point, I would think about your work.

I too agree that life coaching is exactly what you need. It's absolutely nothing to do with selling products in a pyramid scheme. It's absolutely to do with helping people who have multiple things going on in their lives unpick the strands and work their way forward. Try not to be so dismissive about something you don't know anything about.

I think you are mixed up about what life coaching is. It's nothing to do with multi level marketing but someone who talks you through the issues in your life, where you want to be and how to get there.

It is difficult to know if you are rude like that in rl and if that affects your job.

Your husband does sound unhelpful though. If you think he just wants you at home and would like you not to work. If you want to be full time, you should go for it.

If you aren't happy with DH you should def look for a full time job!

Much more financial stability of you leave.

Look, I'm really really sorry for any unintentional offence. But I don't want and can't afford life coaching. Ditto counselling. I should not have posted. I probably am the problem anyway.

Hi OP.

Could you try counselling via a referral from your GP? I've just had a few months sessions (free). It really helped to talk to an independent trained professional. You might not consider yourself depressed though. I was referred pretty quickly, but I do have a history of spells of depression.

In your position, I wouldn't give up work. I'm really sorry I can't advise on the solution though. Can you discuss things with your line-manager?

I'm not actually making any sort of "profit" from working, which is why we could afford for me to be a SAHM.

Perhaps not currently, but you have to think longterm.
It's probably nothing personal at work - lots of schools have stretched budgets and are trying to pressurise staff. Do you get official appraisals so you know if you are good/RI, rather than suspecting/imagining the situation.

I think that the early years with DC are relentlessly tough. I do think the pressures change with time though.

Emotionally, at work, we're mentally adjusting our priorities before DC maybe a meeting running over or adjustment to work hours didn't matter, no stress.

After DC suddenly it's a wrist observing mental calculation can I still get to pick up on time, worrying about traffic to pick up etc. Our mind goes to DC rather than that whole business buzz phrase 'staying in the room'.

All these little pressures along with loss of work-related social connections whilst on maternity leave and any loss of sleep related tiredness can lead to us feeling more vulnerable. Then when we feel a bit more vulnerable we may come across as slightly more withdrawn or even, a bit defensive. Which doesn't warm others to us.

If the constant sickness and fear of going in has got to a really bad place you could see if there is any occupational health services at work or chat to your GP.

If its bad, but you still feel in control could you write yourself a life plan to get through the next months/ year. Give yourself little bonuses for each stage of work you get through. Even things like last working day of the month go out for lunch and get a magazine and and a coffee and take the time just for you. Have you got a rough medium term childcare plan like when DC is 18 months/ 3 years/ 5 years you could go full time. Or when they're at school childcare bills will be less so you could redeploy yourself at that stage.

Not all of life is exciting and sections of it are most definitely mundane. I found some of the young children bit like this.

At home couple time like going out for a meal stops being a spontaneous thing, finances are often more stretched, it means organising a baby sitter or taking lots of provisions for baby and mine weren't sleepers so quite often I'd actually have rather had a long quiet bath and watched a film in bed.

Do you and your DH get any quality time as adults together? Its so easy to find yourselves niggling at one another over who's put the bins out, whether nappies have been ordered etc and not stop and enjoy actually talking. There's also the whole house dynamic and role change thing with total renegotiation over the division of labour needed. Works smoothly for some, from the outside, but with my DH we ended up having to have a really frank discussion because I fell into taking on everything and ended up exhausted. It wasn't his fault as such just that he didn't offer and I didn't ask.

I really don't think feeling a bit dissatisfied with life post DC is that unusual. BUT, if the stress is really taking over consider chatting to your GP postnatal depression isn't just the week after baby is born and professionals really can help

Would you read a book or 2? I spent 6 quid on how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones and it changed my life. I am my own life coach. For work I think you should read up on bullying, performance management, grievance procedures. Are you in a union? You should really talk to them. Back up all emails. Keep a diary. Read nice girls don't get the corner office.

Ok, different tack. Why don't you want life coaching/counselling?

OK, you're a teacher. Do you have a mentor? Who's your HOY? Can you speak to them? If there one person you feel is being negative to you, or several? How do you feel your performance is at work? Have you asked how you can improve, and have you been given a sensible answer?

OP, an apology doesn't work if you follow it with a but. Just doesn't.

When you're given feedback in work, does it tell you how to improve? For example, does your planning need to be more detailed? If not, I would suggest you ask for it. Either in person, or by email, ask your manage what needs to be done to improve.

Could you look at exam marking or private tutoring if you are looking to leave your job?

What are the issues at home?

It's so hard to battle on both fronts you need a 'safe' space somewhere in your life. Have you considered whether PND is a possibility?

Can you do supply teaching instead?

What do you want posters to say? Genuine question, because it might help you think about what you would ideally like. Whether it's achievable or not is always another question, unfortunately.