To be unable to work out if my job or my husband are the problem?

[shadycornerofthegarden]

After returning from maternity leave after February half term, it's been made clear to me I'm not welcome at work.

I feel constantly sick and scared about going in.

Every day I think I just just hand in my notice and be a SAHM. Should be easy - my husband earns enough, we have enough for a happy if rather meager existence if we stayed in our current property (big mortgage)

What puts me off doing this is I'm not completely happy in my marriage either. I'm definitely not at the point of leaving. I was raised to believe you stay with the father of your children. And our baby loves his dad.

But I feel like I am stuck. Stuck in a horrible job and I can't talk about it with the person I'm meant to be closest too as he will just tell me to leave with just a bit too much light in his eyes. nd that scares me.

Hi shady
I have/am in a similar position than you. It's crap because it feels that where ever you turn, doors are closed or they open onto a crap situation.

From living that, I've learnt a few things.
Do not give up work. Whatever you do, stay in work otherwise you will feel completely stuck in your relationship and it's a very crap feeling to be like that.
Do something you enjoy, just for the sake of doing it. Ive done some yoga whic helps me a lot manage the tension from both situations. There is no way I can cope wo it. I'm sure you will find the thing that works for you.
Plan. Plan for the future. How would it work if you are full time, could you cope with the amount of work AND looking after your dc AND being in your own? If not, where is the issue? The school because of their approach or the teaching as such and then you might want to retrain.
Have a hard look at your relationship and decide what are your boundaries, aka, whatis the tipping point at which time stayingnwith your DH is too much?

Finally, if you really believe that all that is all down to you, then that means there is something to address there. From your posts, I canfeel stress and tension. Probably anger too. Which makes me wonder if it would be worth to do a trip to the GP and check if you dont have any issue with depression. (Depression can be coming out as anger rather than not wanting to do anything).

HTH

You sound tired and stressed. I understand. It sounds as if you're having a really tough time. The reason I imagine you're saying NO to everything suggested is because you see it as someone else getting a piece of you. And right now, you need someone to give you love, care and reassurance. Is that correct?

When we feel as you do, it does put massive stress on your marriage. And it's ok to feel as you do. You're doing ok. You're struggling. And we are here to help.

People on here are trying to help. They really are. Perhaps a little too much too soon. I've had lots of therapy and counselling btw. And I'm seeing a life coach ATM. If that's not something for you right now, that's fine.

I meant to ask. Do you have anything to look forward to? The holidays are coming up.

Have you checked out the TES message boards for some advice. There will be other teachers in the same situation.

I think you are clearly so sad and stuck at the moment that it's manifesting itself by being quite what. Which is what I do when I feel like I'm under attack so I can sympathise.

Have you contacted your union for support with the teaching issues? Can you ask for a permanent base for next year. I didn't see but are you secondary or primary? A base can be really important for certain age groups/subjects.

Is there a trusted colleague at work you can talk to?

Would you expand a little bit about your husbands behaviour towards you?

Most people wouldn't ever describe me as difficult to get on with. I do feel some of the messages I am getting are a little bit unfair.

I conceded I was sharp on the first reply and I apologised for it. I also explained why. A while ago, I posted a message describing how unhappy I was at work and "life coaches" replied telling me about Forever Living. It was really unfortunate that first reply used that phrase and not much else so I thought it was a generic sort of message and I wanted to make it really clear I wasn't interested.

But, I do, honestly, think I've apologised enough and explained myself enough now.

We can't afford to be spending £40-£60, plus travel, on life coaching or counselling. Things are perfectly manageable but tight. Neither of us have any family who can help so if a situation arises where childcare is needed, one of us needs to pay for it.

Now as for work. I have felt under attack since going back. We have had many changes in the department and a new HOD was appointed. She seems to have found fault with me. I have been given a tricky timetable with bottom sets, no base from which to teach them (they won't give me a base next year - the joys of part time!) and so my classroom management is being heavily criticised. But the "bread and butter" of classroom management - seating plans, work laid out ready and so on - are impossible because of the room issues.

I did eventually speak to her about it last week but fear I may have made things worse.

I feel very alone at work. I have never seen a part time position advertised. Supply is not possible due to childcare.

My husband has wanted me to be a SAHM since I got pregnant and now wants another. (I don't.)

Yet I am so miserable at work, being a full time mum to two almost seems appealing. Almost :)

I think another issue is that because I think dh would prefer me to be at home, he isn't as helpful as he could be with regards to our baby.

I have young children and have done supply since dc2 was 13 months old. (I handed in my notice when I realised I was pregnant with dc2). I just tell the agency the days I can work/not work and had the dc's childcare booked for the same days each week.

It's no different from organising childcare for working in a permanent position really.

Doesn't sound like your situation is going to improve at your current school - you need to find a way to take the control back.

Unfortunately round it is, because if for example I say I can work Monday, Wednesday and Friday and I don't get work, I have then paid for the childcare and thus am out of pocket.

I think you're doing really well to be finding the wood from the trees here. The great thing is if you can really narrow down on the issues they can be addressed and dealt with one at a time.

DH isn't pulling his weight with baby.

DH wants another child, you don't/ aren't sure.

You feel trapped at work because you haven't seen other part time posts advertised.

You're being treated as a second class citizen as a part timer.

Your recomendations to improve outlook for your students isn't being listened too.

Your career progression at work isn't being considered possibly because you're not respected as you're part time.

Now i'm a glass half full kind of person. I can think of ways to address all of these. Not necessarily solutions or answers but next steps.

The thing is you don't need my next steps you need yours.

For example: If you apply for a full time job elsewhere, interview well and tell them you'd like part time whats the loss? Most schools still provide paid time off for interviews. Its a yes or no answer, maybe a slight time to process and they'll call 24hrs later. It gives you a day out of a job you don't like and exposure to other work environments to help you think about the future.

Biggest thing you gain is self respect for trying to find new ways forwards.

You can do this.

FWIW, OP, I thought the life coach suggestion was kind of ludicrous and kind of removed from the practical, real world, mother-to-mother advice you were looking for. So I'm not surprised that your reply was a little sharp/exasperated.

For people to turn on you and suggest that "you are the problem" Jesus, MN is so fucking nasty at the moment, I hate it.

OP you've explained and apologised for the earlier comments don't feel you have to keep doing so.

If you don't want a second child yet then don't have one it's very important that if you deliberately conceive then it's for the right reasons.

Maybe it would be better for you to hand in your notice as you can afford to. Walk away from that situation and regroup.

But make it clear to DH that's it's to care for your one child not to bring a second. Give it a month or so to settle and see how it goes with your relationship.

With regards to counselling some areas have funding for free CBT counselling. Usually a 6 session deal. But it's free and certainly worth considering.

Okay, well you have to happy with the choice you make. I must be lucky as I pretty much always have work, I turn some stuff down. However, I book off the quiet september/July to go on holiday up until this year.

Good luck in whatever you decide. It does sound like you need to be looking for another school if possible.

I do yes, but it's hard as my confidence is low and many local schools are using NQTs/Teach First students to fill gaps.

because I think dh would prefer me to be at home, he isn't as helpful as he could be with regards to our baby.

So he doesn't help with the DC you already have, but expects you to agree to have another one?
He also needs reminding of the way SAHPing works: he works all day, you look after the DC all day, you then share do the evening and weekend child rearing. You being at home is not an excuse for him to opt out.
PS It's not being 'helpful' - it's his baby too, he's equally responsible.

I wouldn't leave a job if I was unhappy in a marriage. Keep a look out for p/t jobs in your field?

I wish it was as easy as that but honestly part time positions are like hen's teeth.

I feel like I'll either have to resign, or stick it out until they stick me on capability.

Are you in a union OP? They may have support options available at a low cost for you.

Are there any alternative careers you could do that have more part time roles available? Lecturing/tutoring/learning and development/something related to the subject you teach etc?

Alternatively, stay where you are and see how you feel after the summer break?

I don't really want an alternative career, I suppose ... I wanted to teach

I hate sounding negative but the union aren't very helpful.

It sounds like there are no easy answers. Maybe the best thing is to hang in there and accept that things are not great at the moment, whilst you keep on looking for a way to change your role or for other opportunities to make things a bit better. You risk too much by just quitting. It sounds like it would not improve your marriage and would leave you without much support. It's not forever. Eventually another part time role will come up somewhere, or you may feel able to go back full time when your baby is older.

Advertised part time positions are like hens teeth but yet I k ow lots who teach part time.

Can you go up the next level in the union. Sometimes local support is a bit crap

OP I don't think anyone on MN can tell you why you're unhappy. You need to work that out yourself - which you seem to be doing a good job of! And then people on MN can offer suggestions as to how to fix it.

Fwiw - I would have snapped at someone who suggested a life coach. For a start it assumes you have the money and time to spend on something completely self-indulgent.

Can you give a bit more detail in relation to your marriage? Why does your DH want you to be a SAHM? Does he think you'd be happier because you're so miserable at work? Or is it because he's a bit controlling? Why do you think he's so keen for another baby?

Also forgive me for asking this but are there any cultural issues at play here - i.e. Are you or your DH from a culture where it's frowned upon for women to work/pay for childcare? Just some of your comments sound a bit as though his views may have cultural roots.

From what I have read you have a young family, a career you love but finding it difficult as your every move is questioned and a husband who's not supporting you as you want.

I went back to work part time after 7 months, a team member took great delight in running to our boss when she found things I hadn't yet done but it was actually the case I had a date system that I worked to. I just sat there thinking of my kid who had a fab child minder, he loved being there and had another baby when he was 2.6 and gave up.i wanted to have another child and that's where we differ?You can still teach and use the summer holidays to find what other options are out there. I'm not a teacher but how about colleges, home schooling for kids that are too ill to attend school, private schools as you currently don't sound happy at home or work.

Your husband. Mine always used to say just give it up if it makes you unhappy and go back to watching the telly, not helpful but it's the simple solution he saw.

When my kids were at schoo I found a new career that pays peanuts but on the whole I am happier and it's flexible as to how much I take on. I'm not setting the world alight in academia or the City but I am happy at home and work.

Be very careful OP, seems like your husband wants you to be "barefoot and pregnant" and in total control of the finances. My ex did sweet fa with our kids, was hard getting rid but the best for all of us. He got a new wife and did the same to her, she put up with it though.