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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Brothers wife, bridges burnt. What do we do?!

575 replies

tallulahturtle · 11/07/2017 23:59

Ok.

My brother got married last autumn and all seemed well. Had a few sketchy moments leading up to wedding where my parents were offering to pay for bits and bobs here and there and the bride seemed to take offence. Wedding happened and all fine, then my parents gently enquiry about wedding photos as they would really like to choose a few to have put in a frame. Months and months go by where my brother and his Mrs say "they are not ready yet". Eventually my brother says they are ready and this is the photographers contact details. So they order some and all fine.
The wedding video......my parents go visit my brother and Mrs and they show them the video, parents casually ask who did it. My brother tells them.

My parents ordered a copy ( they have a copy of my wedding video so thought it would be nice to have my brothers wedding too).

Last weekend on a visit they casually mention that they have got a copy.

Brothers wife goes from friendly to hostile rapidly. Goes very quiet. Parents mention it to me, I say " you are being over sensitive, she much have just been tired perhaps"

Yesterday brother phones to say please don't show anyone else the DVD.

Again phones this morning to say "please return the dvds to us as she is freaking out about it"

Ok must say, we have watched them and there is no dodgy sex scene. It's just a regular wedding video.

My parents as am I , are worried that we can never repair this. They have agreed to send the dvd to her and essentially lose £50 , but we just wonder what the hell we did wrong. Had no idea she was so sensitive about these things. Personally I would feel happy if my parents in law wanted a copy of the wedding video. At least it meant they gave a shit about me.

Anyways just looking for opinions on the whole situation as my parents have always felt her standoffish as she seems to be friendly for the first hour of a visit (we only visit every 4 months or so for half a day to go for a pub lunch for example) , then she goes all quiet as if she has had enough.

I may sound biased but my parents are not controlling or over bearing. They are just simply interested and care about them.

Just wish she could realise it. If anyone has any ideas as to how to mend this rift or even an idea of what her issue might be so we can be better prepared in future. My parents are approaching their 70s so just want everyone to be happy, life is way too short.

OP posts:

finnmcool · 12/07/2017 00:05

I don't understand, why did they have a DVD made if nobody can watch it?

peekyboo · 12/07/2017 00:05

How many hours do the visits last? An hour would be my limit except for close friends.

musicposy · 12/07/2017 00:09

Why are you referring to her as Mrs instead of your sister in law? It doesn't sound very nice - as though you're keeping her an outsider instead of seeing her as part of your family now.

I think it was a bit insensitive to order the video without checking first - it probably feels very personal to the bride and groom. It wouldn't bother a lot of people, but it obviously felt to your sil as though they were tramping over her personal memories a bit. Have your parents apologised? If not, that would be a good start, regardless of whether or not they think they were wrong.

Also, I may be wrong, but it sounds as though you always all visit together? A good idea would be for you or your mum alone to try to build a relationship with sil, maybe one of you see her for lunch or coffee without the whole family piling in. That way it's less overwhelming and she's less likely to feel she's being treated as an accessory to you all seeing your brother.

MaudAndOtherPoems · 12/07/2017 00:11

This is strange. Can your brother explain why your parents must not watch the DVD and have to return it? What would they have done if your parents had taken along their own camera to record it?

Groupie123 · 12/07/2017 00:14

Is it possible your parents have offended her previously that you aren't aware of? It sounds OTT.

GabsAlot · 12/07/2017 00:15

iv got a copy of my dsis weding so did both ils

whats the point of it if noone can see it

loaferloveforyou · 12/07/2017 00:15

I am mortified at how I look at my wedding. I look awful and sweaty and fat and and none of the angles flatter me (If there was flattering angle at all) I hate my pics of my wedding day. People keep asking to see the pics but it's been 8 weeks and I don't know how long I can put them off for. Although people have said I look great but my photographer said very few people are happy with pics of themselves whereas others love them.

Could it be that?

Although it been 8 weeks I'm still very precious about my wedding pics (ones on FB) because of the above and for other reasons I won't bore you with.

CremeFresh · 12/07/2017 00:21

I'd invite her out for coffee and ask her why she doesn't want anyone to see the video, explain that it would be easier to understand if she could give you a reason .

I'd want to get to the bottom of this asap , especially before they have children as I can foresee all sorts of problems surrounding photos of babies , touching baby without asking etc .

Willow2017 · 12/07/2017 00:23

TBH nobody except the bride and groom and immediate family are interested in any 'wedding video' anyway so whats the big deal?

They told your mum who made the video, she paid for it so its hers. They didnt copywrite it. Its not some porn flick it what everyone at the wedding actually witnessed, its not a secret.

SIL needs to get a grip. (One visit every 4 months isnt much to upset anyone either.) If she doesnt want you to visit then they should tell you, why all the drama?

OlennasWimple · 12/07/2017 00:27

Why don't you ask your brother what's going on?

LivLemler · 12/07/2017 00:32

It does seem a bit weird that your parents just ordered the video. I would've thought they'd get a copy through your brother. That doesn't explain why things were awkward in the first place, but I think it probably did come across as overbearing to your SIL given the relationship wasn't easy to begin with.

Want2bSupermum · 12/07/2017 00:32

I like the idea of going for coffee but it could be really awkward. I'd just say something along the lines of there seems to have been some miscommunication and you want to have a good relationship so need to know where she is coming from. From what you say she sounds absolutely bat shit crazy however she might have issues with her parents so treat her PIL in the same way.

lazycrazyhazy · 12/07/2017 00:34

I have adult DDs and I agree with PP that this may be a vanity issue. My DDs can be quite funny if they don't like photos or videos of themselves. I don't know why she didn't just say she hates it and didn't want you to see it though! Silly your DB if he gave your parents the details without checking that was ok. One of my DDs hated her dress and doesn't like the photos.

Original poster

tallulahturtle · 12/07/2017 00:34

Ok. Sorry only referring to her as Mrs as it's late and I'm exhausted and mrs is shorter than sister in law.

When they showed my parents the film my brother said who the supplier was and how to get a copy, he must not have realised it was a sensitive issue as otherwise he would not have told them.

When we visit it's literally my parents and me and my husband. We meet at a pub typically, they live 2 hours away and it's a couple of hours visit over a meal. I and my husband never go back to their house for a coffee etc as I have a horse and busy yard to run. Overall the visits are never more then a couple of hours. None of us force any visits. My brother usually gives my parents a call once a week or so just for a chat and he says "if you fancy coming down for lunch let us know".

As regards if we had taken out own video , we didn't but my husband who took some photos and she remarked to a guest "I wish guests would not take photos, we have hired a professional"

I think she is incredibly self conscious. There have been other indications of this.

When we went on a break away (they had booked it to celebrate my parents wedding anniversary so we paid halfs) , it was a lovely sunny day so me and my other half stripped to swimwear and went for a bracing swim in the sea (Cornwall, October) and she immediately distanced herself. Didn't do it again as had felt I made her feel in comfortable.

May I add I am not exactly skinny but I have no hang ups. She is not remotely fat and has a lovely figure.

We are all baffled and trying our hardest. My brother often invites us all down for the weekend but to be honest we all feel as w

OP posts:

Want2bSupermum · 12/07/2017 00:35

SIL = sister in law

Original poster

tallulahturtle · 12/07/2017 00:39

Welcome as a wet weekend. If she is bat shit crazy then we want to try make her realise we are not a threat as would like to just get along, but to be honest my parents now do not want to visit for fear of offending her.

As someone posted above I agree we need to work through this now as if they have kids then I foresee her seeing my parents as overbearing and threatening. They really are not, they just give a shit about her and my brother as we all do. Just want them happy all happy.

OP posts:

CremeFresh · 12/07/2017 00:42

If you can't ask sil directly then I'd ask your brother. Unless you get to the bottom of this any further meetings, outings , lunches etc are going to be a minefield of worry just in case you do something that offends her.

user1499333856 · 12/07/2017 00:47

Ugh, that's their wedding video and she may not want others to have a copy of it. Hence maybe why she just screened it. You don't go and order copies of other people's photos and videos without asking. And the wife should have told her new husband, she didn't want people getting it directly. All poor communication and over stepping boundaries.

GinAndGooseberry · 12/07/2017 00:49

I'd just return it to her. Seems strange for sure but not worth a drama.

JustDontGetItAtAll · 12/07/2017 01:06

Put the DVD into a computer and select the option that pops up to copy it. Send original back to them. Don't tell them you have a copy.

Unfortunately she just sounds selfish and immature. Doesn't want to bother with anyone she doesn't have to. Doubt it will change

user1498550798 · 12/07/2017 01:32

I do not think bridges are burnt. It does not need to be a big deal. You and your parents might privately think that your SIL has been unreasonable but publicly it may be better to just soothe the situation by indicating to your brother that you/they are sorry to have been the cause, however unintentionally, of any upset and that he should pass this on to his wife if he thinks it would be helpful.

Perhaps she does have major hang ups about her appearance, although it seems odd if so to have a video made. If I had ever married I guarantee there would have been no video!

Then perhaps see how things go. Maybe your brother could give some insight, especially if the topic is raised in a way that doesn't sound like criticism of his wife.

LeakyLittleBoat · 12/07/2017 01:33

"Other people's videos?"
Bloody hell, they're the parents of the groom ffs not randoms from the street who crashed the wedding and reception. It's perfectly normal for the parents of the happy couple to want and be given (not have to buy) a copy of the wedding video and selected copies of the wedding photos. SIL sounds like a batshit control freak.

Want2bSupermum · 12/07/2017 03:46

user Hmmm and here was me making picture books as a thank you to my parents and ILs. It's a family event and a huge day for parents. I would quietly assume family issues on her side.

Rainbowqueeen · 12/07/2017 04:08

She sounds like an introvert to me. So gets drained from being round other people quickly. And maybe just a really private person

The wedding video I don't really understand, but I don't think you have burnt your bridges, your parents handed it over when asked so I don't think she has got that much to complain about.

I would keep accepting your brothers invitations, he clearly wants to keep seeing you all. And if she don't want to, It sounds like she would let him know!!

Sorry that your parents feelings have been hurt over this

AvocadoHand · 12/07/2017 04:44

I also think she sounds like an introvert. She may find it stressful being around other people and not intend to offend or upset anyone. Can you and/or your mother try to build a relationship with her one to one? Eg meeting her for a coffee on your own without bringing the whole gang and keeping it brief. I get on very well with my SILs individually, but when confronted with all my in laws together I can retreat into my shell become slightly offhand - not because I don't like them, but because they are all quite loud and overwhelming as a group.

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