Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brothers wife, bridges burnt. What do we do?!

575 replies

tallulahturtle · 11/07/2017 23:59

Ok.

My brother got married last autumn and all seemed well. Had a few sketchy moments leading up to wedding where my parents were offering to pay for bits and bobs here and there and the bride seemed to take offence. Wedding happened and all fine, then my parents gently enquiry about wedding photos as they would really like to choose a few to have put in a frame. Months and months go by where my brother and his Mrs say "they are not ready yet". Eventually my brother says they are ready and this is the photographers contact details. So they order some and all fine.
The wedding video......my parents go visit my brother and Mrs and they show them the video, parents casually ask who did it. My brother tells them.

My parents ordered a copy ( they have a copy of my wedding video so thought it would be nice to have my brothers wedding too).

Last weekend on a visit they casually mention that they have got a copy.

Brothers wife goes from friendly to hostile rapidly. Goes very quiet. Parents mention it to me, I say " you are being over sensitive, she much have just been tired perhaps"

Yesterday brother phones to say please don't show anyone else the DVD.

Again phones this morning to say "please return the dvds to us as she is freaking out about it"

Ok must say, we have watched them and there is no dodgy sex scene. It's just a regular wedding video.

My parents as am I , are worried that we can never repair this. They have agreed to send the dvd to her and essentially lose £50 , but we just wonder what the hell we did wrong. Had no idea she was so sensitive about these things. Personally I would feel happy if my parents in law wanted a copy of the wedding video. At least it meant they gave a shit about me.

Anyways just looking for opinions on the whole situation as my parents have always felt her standoffish as she seems to be friendly for the first hour of a visit (we only visit every 4 months or so for half a day to go for a pub lunch for example) , then she goes all quiet as if she has had enough.

I may sound biased but my parents are not controlling or over bearing. They are just simply interested and care about them.

Just wish she could realise it. If anyone has any ideas as to how to mend this rift or even an idea of what her issue might be so we can be better prepared in future. My parents are approaching their 70s so just want everyone to be happy, life is way too short.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 12/07/2017 08:44

"Not everyone has to be outgoing and comfortable sharing all the details of their lives with people they don't know that well"

What, like details of the wedding that the "people they don't know well" were also at? Grin

Severalusernameslater · 12/07/2017 08:44

Maybe she is worried about something on the video, something said or she is embarrassed by, a guest joking out of turn, who knows. Maybe she's not checked the video herself and wanted to mitigate that, it wouldn't be the end of the world, but I'd rather be the one to give copies of movies I'm in, rather than others procure them. (That's why my porn careers lagging though)

Orangetoffee · 12/07/2017 08:51

SIL reaction sounds a bit over the top but I find your parents behaviour re the video odd. They didn't ask about getting a copy, or were told no so went to the company behind the couples back. And now that they are asked to return the dvd they are going to get another copy made, weird and unpleasant.

EdmundCleverClogs · 12/07/2017 08:55

I simply think that she is private to a high degree

I'm going to be 'that poster' and suggests we really don't know if the SiL is just intensely private, or could be suffering anxiety or a similar health issue. Either way, she obviously feels very strongly about the wedding video, I don't understand why the in-laws are so desperate to have it in all honesty. It will only sit in a corner gathering dust, it seems a case of wanting it just because they can at any cost (both financially and a good relationship with DiL).

Groupie123 · 12/07/2017 09:00

It sounds like OP either hasn't told us or doesn't know the full story. I'm guessing there are conflicts we aren't privy too.

Ilovetolurk · 12/07/2017 09:01

My point acktual is it's perfectly valid to want to display photos and watch a video of your son's wedding. In the same way you would watch a video or display photos of your son as a child. No one would call that odd or overstepping.

DeadGood · 12/07/2017 09:02

" we really don't know if the SiL is just intensely private, or could be suffering anxiety or a similar health issue."

Yes, either works. My quote is taken a bit out of context, the point I was making is that I think her 'issue', whatever it is (sorry to use the word 'issue', it sounds so patronising) is slightly outside of the norm. And that it would be helpful to talk about it.

Personally I agree with you, I don't get why the in-laws would want the video. The thing is that you and I can see that it will sit on the shelf gathering dust. The SIL cannot see that, and has had a disproportionately strong reaction. She must have known that asking for the DVD back would cause a rupture, but to her, her own feelings of inadequacy/need for privacy/whatever were stronger. That is why I think her behaviour is not usual.

Original poster
tallulahturtle · 12/07/2017 09:03

Nope you have full story. Nothing else weird going on in background. Hence why I came on here for views really.
My parents are getting a copy and will keep quiet about it.
She is from New Zealand so don't think it's a cultural reason.

OP posts:
Ilovetolurk · 12/07/2017 09:04

Surely the whole point of reordering the video is that no one tells the bride therefore no bridges to be burned?

Ilovetolurk · 12/07/2017 09:05

Xpost OP

BertrandRussell · 12/07/2017 09:07

"It sounds like OP either hasn't told us or doesn't know the full story. I'm guessing there are conflicts we aren't privy too."

Why? Because otherwise it might be necessary to acknowledge that a dil might be ever so slightly in the wrong? That's a gulag-worthy thought crime on Mumsnet!

AvocadoHand · 12/07/2017 09:07

What, like details of the wedding that the "people they don't know well" were also at? Grin

Well, maybe she didn't want to tell people the details ahead of time because she thought they might object/judge/interfere if they were given too much information. I'm obviously speculating at this point! But I honestly don't see anything wrong with wanting to keep some things private, even with weddings.

Original poster
tallulahturtle · 12/07/2017 09:07

Also yes I was hoping that maybe someone on here may be able to help us understand what sort of issue she may have, at least then we can be aware of it and will help us avoid any future upsets. My brother has been very casual about it and just said she wants the copies destroyed and has not elaborated.

OP posts:
Whattheacktual · 12/07/2017 09:08

I would have asked my son to provide me with a copy of the video. Not gone behind his back to get one.

I might have taken photos (unlikely - I prefer to be enjoying the day) and again I would have asked for an official wedding photo.

Photos out on display aren't really my thing. I might have them on a pen drive for me to look at but I don't have many on display - the only Ones of my adult child on display are graduation ones of me and him that were taken officially and sent to him and he gave me.

BertrandRussell · 12/07/2017 09:08

Didn't you ask him why?

Whattheacktual · 12/07/2017 09:10

Some brides don't tell anyone any details of colours or anything. My SIL didn't. She wanted the whole day to be a particular way.

Even my brother didn't know the bridesmaid colours.

Orangetoffee · 12/07/2017 09:10

So rather than talking about it with their son and dil they just going to order another copy.

EdmundCleverClogs · 12/07/2017 09:11

My parents are getting a copy and will keep quiet about it.

If your parents insist on being dismissive about this issue, which may seem small to them/you, then I can see why your SiL cannot gel with your family. Sure she might not find out about this, but the next thing they undermine her about could be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Why do your parents want for a video, that is really of no use to them, and get to override your SiL's feelings?

The trouble is, we're only getting the 'full story' from one side, but something really isn't right here. I find it more and more difficult to believe that your SiL is the difficult one, even if she does show difficult behaviour at times.

Whattheacktual · 12/07/2017 09:13

You know that if she ever finds out they went behind her back and against your brother and hers express wishes - the bridges will be totally burnt to a crisp?

That's massively disrespectful and entitled behaviour.

PieChartPudding · 12/07/2017 09:14

Ummmm maybe she has some kind of mental heath issue, perhaps some anxiously over the topic or issue.

I would speak to brother and ask him if there is anything he can share with you all to help understand and also avoid the situation again. After all no one would want to make her upset

BartholinsSister · 12/07/2017 09:15

My parents are getting a copy and will keep quiet about it.
If they anonymously upload it to YouTube everyone can enjoy it.

Nanny0gg · 12/07/2017 09:16

To the posters who think that the OP's family is being overbearing and intrusive asking about the wedding, offering to contribute and wanting a copy of the DVD to enjoy and photos to display - do you have sons? Will you be detached when they get married?
And four people visiting them in a pub(not their home) is hardly a mob!

DramaInPyjamas · 12/07/2017 09:16

"I was hoping that maybe someone on here may be able to help us understand what sort of issue she may have."

"My parents are getting a copy and will keep quiet about it."

^^

Your SILs issue is your over entitled parents who just can't take no for an answer. HTH.

RapunzelsRealMom · 12/07/2017 09:17

I'm astounded that you and your parents think it's ok to get a copy and keep it quiet!

She MAY never find out but it's such a massive breach of trust and a fine example of how they intend to treat her, I can't ever imagine them having a good relationship with them and subsequently, your brother.

What else? Going behind her back when they have children, etc?

I foresee a NC relationship in the future

Original poster
tallulahturtle · 12/07/2017 09:17

She won't talk about it. Brother says she is being ridiculous and has actually told my parents to quietly get a copy done. My parents has asked "who did it as we would love a copy" and my brother told them so I really don't see how that is going behind anyone's back.

OP posts: