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Original poster

Brothers wife, bridges burnt. What do we do?!

575 replies

tallulahturtle · 11/07/2017 23:59

Ok.

My brother got married last autumn and all seemed well. Had a few sketchy moments leading up to wedding where my parents were offering to pay for bits and bobs here and there and the bride seemed to take offence. Wedding happened and all fine, then my parents gently enquiry about wedding photos as they would really like to choose a few to have put in a frame. Months and months go by where my brother and his Mrs say "they are not ready yet". Eventually my brother says they are ready and this is the photographers contact details. So they order some and all fine.
The wedding video......my parents go visit my brother and Mrs and they show them the video, parents casually ask who did it. My brother tells them.

My parents ordered a copy ( they have a copy of my wedding video so thought it would be nice to have my brothers wedding too).

Last weekend on a visit they casually mention that they have got a copy.

Brothers wife goes from friendly to hostile rapidly. Goes very quiet. Parents mention it to me, I say " you are being over sensitive, she much have just been tired perhaps"

Yesterday brother phones to say please don't show anyone else the DVD.

Again phones this morning to say "please return the dvds to us as she is freaking out about it"

Ok must say, we have watched them and there is no dodgy sex scene. It's just a regular wedding video.

My parents as am I , are worried that we can never repair this. They have agreed to send the dvd to her and essentially lose £50 , but we just wonder what the hell we did wrong. Had no idea she was so sensitive about these things. Personally I would feel happy if my parents in law wanted a copy of the wedding video. At least it meant they gave a shit about me.

Anyways just looking for opinions on the whole situation as my parents have always felt her standoffish as she seems to be friendly for the first hour of a visit (we only visit every 4 months or so for half a day to go for a pub lunch for example) , then she goes all quiet as if she has had enough.

I may sound biased but my parents are not controlling or over bearing. They are just simply interested and care about them.

Just wish she could realise it. If anyone has any ideas as to how to mend this rift or even an idea of what her issue might be so we can be better prepared in future. My parents are approaching their 70s so just want everyone to be happy, life is way too short.

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 12/07/2017 09:59

I find it odd that anyone would want a video to watch and rewatch of a wedding that's not their own.

I'd love to watch a video of my child's wedding. How is that odd?

Noctilucent · 12/07/2017 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 12/07/2017 10:02

"You mentioned that she had hangups about her body (from the swimming incident). Maybe she has watched her own video and doesn't like how she looks in it and is worried about other people watching it."

They've already watched it, all together.

And I think wedding videos are utterly bonkers too- but I know lots of people who have them and watch them and even , oh joy!, want other people to watch them with them.

mateysmum · 12/07/2017 10:05

Can't believe some of the comments on here, suggesting that for the OP's parents to want any involvement or photographic record of their son's wedding is somehow weird/intrusive/offensive/interfering.

Offering to contribute to the wedding was a kind gesture, not necessarily a controlling one. As the bride's family were presumably in NZ, might some involvement from the groom's parents not have been reasonable? Seeing it as weird that the groom's parents should want to order photos of the wedding is just well...weird. A wedding is a "public" event. OP's parents were there, they saw everything, what difference does it make if they have a copy of the video. They're not going to release it at the Odeon next week.

If the bride is that bothered about something, she should explain it to her in-laws or politely ask them to keep the DVD for just themselves to see. Just demanding it back without explanation is rude. The groom knew full well his parents were ordering a copy, they did not go behind the couple's back.

Why do people think the video can only be of interest to the couple? It's a special day for parents too. They may well want a video to remember the day fondly and to have pictures of family and friends who won't always be around. Very self centred of the bride not to appreciate this.

Why does the bride have the controlling decision on all this? It was the groom's wedding too. He clearly is happy to let his parents have the DVD. If his wife feels that strongly, she needs to explain herself.

BertrandRussell · 12/07/2017 10:06

"I would guess that at the very least she finds them judgemental and interfering."

Of course you do. Despite absolutely no supporting evidence. They are her pil.

Haffiana · 12/07/2017 10:06

Tell her that she is really upsetting your parents, and ask her to explain why.

I really can't be having the bridezilla enabling on this thread. She can be as unreasonable as she likes for whatever reason she has, but she has no right to expect anyone else to take the blindest bit of notice of her if they don't wish to. If she wants to be unreasonable, then she will get the same in return. That is life.

If she wants consideration, then she needs to have some and at least explain why she has made the request. If she goes down the path of deciding to make a rift between her husband and his Mum and Dad then she can face the consequences.

EdmundCleverClogs · 12/07/2017 10:07

I'd love to watch a video of my child's wedding. How is that odd?

I'm not saying watching it a couple of times is odd, but I think going to great lengths to own a copy is. If I personally really wanted to rewatch it, I might ask my son to borrow it for an evening. It's not like having a copy of the school play, it's a personal thing for the bride and groom.

Hissy · 12/07/2017 10:07

I think I would be a little prickly if someone had gone directly to the videographer and got a copy of a dvd I had commissioned.

At the very least this should have been done through the wedding couple.

Unreasonable or not, i think she feels her toes have been stepped on and it would have cost nothing to go through the groom to make it all a lot more considerate.

theEagleIsLost · 12/07/2017 10:08

The wedding video......my parents go visit my brother and Mrs and they show them the video, parents casually ask who did it. My brother tells them.

Last weekend on a visit they casually mention that they have got a copy.

I'm wondering if it's this - instead of outright asking for a copy or stating they were getting a copy.

Then again I have family who do this and they have ended up turning up as surprises and we feel ambushed. So days out, holidays have been taken over - and we never got chance to say yes or no. Though we tend to do grit teeth and get on with it and vow not to let things slip again.

My DH was more meh about things which was fine till the big things happened that upset him not understanding that letting them get away with x meant they felt free to ignore us over y.

I had a friend who mother did similar – though in her case led to tension between her DH and her. In their case it was more school DC things – but all the DH wanted was a heads up as his MIL was very difficult with him. Instead mother would pump GC for information mention nothing to parents and turn up – they wouldn’t have said no to her attending as it was my friend would get very defensive – not let it drop and end up rowing with her DH. It stopped for them as they emigrated.

I expect your parenst did it becuase they din't want to hear no after the problems with the wedding - and I do think the bride isn't behaving well but I don't think all this causal underming will help longer term relationship.

user1499333856 · 12/07/2017 10:08

There really is more to this story.

I did not want my DH family having contact with my family before the wedding (or after). And there are valid reasons and nothing to do with my DH's family. It was perfectly okay for the Bride to want to keep her mother's contact details separate. The mother of the groom doesn't need to know what someone else is wearing. Respect the wife's wishes on that.

Did you pay for the videographer? If you did then you're entitled to a copy. If you didn't then you are most certainly not. You ask permission. And when that permission isn't granted (for whatever reason) you don't go behind their backs and overrule them.

Maybe the Bride does have an issue, maybe she is an introvert, but it is her wedding. It is not a big family event: it is two people getting married and they invite people to share in their day.

Don't get a copy of the video now against their wishes. It's so disrespectful. And give them some space to start their married life as they wish.

The Bride may be difficult but it would also seem she has asked repeatedly for you not to get involved and take over.

LucilleBluth · 12/07/2017 10:09

How anyone can defend the SIL is beyond me. Reverse the genders....sisters new husband demands all wedding videos destroyed......MN uproar about controlling, red flag behaviour. The whole marriage would be called into question and a lot of LTBs would be seen.

HYPOCRITES!

wasasodnowaceleb · 12/07/2017 10:12

I was thinking she was a nightmare then I thought about my wedding video. In one of the speeches a joke was made about me. It wasn't mean and was an off the comment. However I was mortified. I have never watched the video and at the time I wouldn't have liked anyone to have it.

Also I would have hated everyone visiting together. After we had kids ours would visit like this. I used to retreat to the bedroom after and hour but two of my rellies were VERY loud and had no boundaries.

These days I wouldn't care about this stuff so much. I don't think that is because I am older and wiser. I suspect it is because I am on citalopram!

BlackStars · 12/07/2017 10:12

I have never even watched my own wedding DVD and neither has anyone else.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 12/07/2017 10:12

Please don't confuse being an introvert with being a PITA.

It's really not the same thing.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 12/07/2017 10:13

These days I wouldn't care about this stuff so much. I don't think that is because I am older and wiser. I suspect it is because I am on citalopram!

Grin
EdmundCleverClogs · 12/07/2017 10:13

LucilleBluth I certainly would not, I would still be wondering what personal issues the husband had to keep the video private, especially since the op has described other instances where the spouse was obviously uncomfortable in social situations. Not everyone jumps to 'abusive asshole' just because it's a man Hmm.

BertrandRussell · 12/07/2017 10:15

"I think I would be a little prickly if someone had gone directly to the videographer and got a copy of a dvd I had commissioned."

Even in the context of them having just been told the details of the wedding photographer and told to order the pictures they wanted from there?

wasasodnowaceleb · 12/07/2017 10:16

Oh and I didn't share all the details of my wedding with my family or ILs. I didn't realise it was a family thing. I just got on with organising it myself.

I bought my dress from a wedding shop I passed in the street. They were having a sample sale. When I told my sister she was crushed but tried to hide it. She had been really looking forward to going dress shopping. I honestly didn't think anyone would be interested.

Maybe she is clumsy and introverted like me. You sound nice. I hope things get sorted out.

LucilleBluth · 12/07/2017 10:16

EdmundCleverClogs. Maybe not you but the whole thread would be anti the new husband. MN is hugely sexist, and I'm an ardent feminist!

user1499333856 · 12/07/2017 10:17

If my husband didn't want the wedding video distributed then I would totally back him up. It is his and mine and we decide who sees it. That's not controlling. When you get married you become your own family (first). And all those people who come to the wedding are asked to agree to support you in your married life. You do not become an extension of in laws.

She didn't want the video shared around. It's their video. What's so wrong with her choosing how it is distributed?

Whattheacktual · 12/07/2017 10:17

I didn't have a video of my wedding. I had photos. My dads friend took the photos and gave us loads to look through (pre digital) and my MIL "borrowed" them to show her mother and while she had them took copies for herself and kept them.

I found that massively intrusive. The pics were of my wedding to her son and I wanted to look through the photos and choose the ones to give to people.

Kezi4 · 12/07/2017 10:21

I had no idea it was even possible to request a copy of someone else's wedding video. Weird.

Poor SIL, she sounds private and insecure about her looks. Your family should respect her wishes more. It's her wedding, not your parents'.

GabsAlot · 12/07/2017 10:21

if she didnt want copies being sold she should have told th company to not sell it

she sounds controlling to me

EdmundCleverClogs · 12/07/2017 10:21

LucilleBluth, MN may be sexist, but I don't get why you being a feminist matters. Though as a you are a feminist, you're not very understanding of another woman's point when she doesn't even have the ability to defend herself.

teaandtoast · 12/07/2017 10:22

I requested no wedding videos as I'm an introvert and wanted to be as relaxed as possible.
Someone in dh's family took one anyway. I noticed as we were in the car driving away - had a split second to decide whether to smile or turn away or worse! I managed to smile. The video was put onto a videotape and passed round the family surreptitiously. We didn't know until fil let the cat out of the bag.

The worst thing was the secrecy amongst the family about it. Bad enough that he took it (fil's brother) but it was the whole 'don't tell her about it.