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Original poster

Brothers wife, bridges burnt. What do we do?!

575 replies

tallulahturtle · 11/07/2017 23:59

Ok.

My brother got married last autumn and all seemed well. Had a few sketchy moments leading up to wedding where my parents were offering to pay for bits and bobs here and there and the bride seemed to take offence. Wedding happened and all fine, then my parents gently enquiry about wedding photos as they would really like to choose a few to have put in a frame. Months and months go by where my brother and his Mrs say "they are not ready yet". Eventually my brother says they are ready and this is the photographers contact details. So they order some and all fine.
The wedding video......my parents go visit my brother and Mrs and they show them the video, parents casually ask who did it. My brother tells them.

My parents ordered a copy ( they have a copy of my wedding video so thought it would be nice to have my brothers wedding too).

Last weekend on a visit they casually mention that they have got a copy.

Brothers wife goes from friendly to hostile rapidly. Goes very quiet. Parents mention it to me, I say " you are being over sensitive, she much have just been tired perhaps"

Yesterday brother phones to say please don't show anyone else the DVD.

Again phones this morning to say "please return the dvds to us as she is freaking out about it"

Ok must say, we have watched them and there is no dodgy sex scene. It's just a regular wedding video.

My parents as am I , are worried that we can never repair this. They have agreed to send the dvd to her and essentially lose £50 , but we just wonder what the hell we did wrong. Had no idea she was so sensitive about these things. Personally I would feel happy if my parents in law wanted a copy of the wedding video. At least it meant they gave a shit about me.

Anyways just looking for opinions on the whole situation as my parents have always felt her standoffish as she seems to be friendly for the first hour of a visit (we only visit every 4 months or so for half a day to go for a pub lunch for example) , then she goes all quiet as if she has had enough.

I may sound biased but my parents are not controlling or over bearing. They are just simply interested and care about them.

Just wish she could realise it. If anyone has any ideas as to how to mend this rift or even an idea of what her issue might be so we can be better prepared in future. My parents are approaching their 70s so just want everyone to be happy, life is way too short.

OP posts:
NellieBuff · 12/07/2017 09:18

I agree that there is a whole back story that we are not being told about. No story is purely black and white and we are only hearing one side of the story. If someone has specifically asked you not to do something and you do it anyway then that shows you have no respect.

Your SIL asked that your DP do not have a copy of the wedding video your DP thought "no we don't like her or respect her" so we'll order one anyway and if anyone things the SIL will not find out about it then they are fools.

MimsyFluff · 12/07/2017 09:19

Maybe she thinks you stub them by not going over a weekend? What's the longest amount of time you've spend with her? How often do you visit without your parents been there?

MoonfaceAndSilky · 12/07/2017 09:20

Your SILs issue is your over entitled parents who just can't take no for an answer. HTH.

Over entitled? They want a video of their son's wedding, hardly over entitled Confused

RhiWrites · 12/07/2017 09:21

I agree with DeadGood, the SIL seems to have very elevated anxiety and discomfort. Brother should explain to his family enough about what her issues her to avoid them accidentally triggering her, while preserving her privacy.

Smallangryplanet · 12/07/2017 09:22

Ordering someone else's photographs or videos is strange. It sounds like your brother didn't realise what an issue it would be for his wife at first. Making a copy now is selfish and sly and definitely won't mend bridges. Regardless of the fact you don't understand the problem, you know there is one and could easily put her mind at rest with no bother to you.

You and your parents sound overbearing. I'd love to get your sil's perspective.

BertrandRussell · 12/07/2017 09:23

If I understand it correctly, they all watched the video together, parents asked who made it, brother told them-all in the presence of the sil. So it seems entirely reasonable (if you think wedding videos are reasonable) for the parents to then order their own copy. Then doing a "product recall" without explanation seems deeply odd. Not to mention a waste of 50 quid.

AvocadoHand · 12/07/2017 09:39

Brother says she is being ridiculous and has actually told my parents to quietly get a copy done.

Nice Hmm

EdmundCleverClogs · 12/07/2017 09:39

My previous post disappeared, so will try again.

I cannot believe your brother has gone behind his wife's back when she obviously has an issue about this. Your whole family seems determined to undermine her. Forgot NC, when the inevitable divorce happens, the DVD will become irrelevant. I'm starting to feel sorry for her.

nauticant · 12/07/2017 09:41

My first thought was that handing the DVD over wouldn't be a big deal so why not do that? I mean, what's the problem really when it might sooth someone's slightly odd but understandable discomfort?

Then I read about arranging another video on the quiet. That's either got to be a secret one or a public "fuck you" one.

Hmmm, I'm not convinced this really is about being open and welcoming to get the best relationship that both sides are happy with.

Whattheacktual · 12/07/2017 09:43

How does telling someone who made a video equate to "off you do pop against my express wishes and buy a secret copy"?

greendale17 · 12/07/2017 09:46

SIL sounds crazy

Your parents are not over entitled. They even helped pay for things for the wedding.

SIL sounds like an ungrateful person

smurfit · 12/07/2017 09:47

Why don't they just rip it to a computer before sending it off? Cheaper than ordering a new one... but if she finds out it will do a lot more damage than it's probably worth.

I am a Kiwi and this isn't a cultural thing. I'd suggest there is more than meets the eye here... or maybe she's just nuts Grin

IHateUncleJamie · 12/07/2017 09:47

Oh hang on - the parents wanted a dvd of their own son's wedding. That's not "entitled"! Had they been NC and not invited, then yes, ordering a dvd would have been out of order, but that's not the case.

The SIL won't explain why she doesn't want the DVD returned so tbh why should the parents waste £50?

histinyhandsarefrozen · 12/07/2017 09:51

I don't feel sorry for her at all.

She sounds ridiculous. I feel sorry for you guys, and your brother.

(I'm an introvert and quite private, but I am not a loon.)

EdmundCleverClogs · 12/07/2017 09:52

the parents wanted a dvd of their own son's wedding.

Why though? I genuinely don't get why the video would be of any use to anyone but the bride and groom. Do people other than the B + G really sit down with a glass of wine and rewatch someone else's 'special day'? Is it really something they need a permanent copy of? A few pictures I can understand, but not a whole DVD. Perhaps I'm the odd one here....

histinyhandsarefrozen · 12/07/2017 09:54

Who are these people who spend hundreds, presumably, of pounds on wedding videos, and perhaps thousands of pounds on a wedding for lots of people to go to, then insist nobody watches the video?!!?!

This is NOT the behavior or a shy or private person. This is weird.

KurriKurri · 12/07/2017 09:54

I think you need to speak to your brother alone and find out what is going on (other than him dismissing it as ridiculous - it may be ridiculous in his eyes but if you know what it is then you can avoid that area in future)

Having said that, I don;t think your parents have done anything wrong at all, and I don;t think they should be treading on eggshells round your SIL. Important to get things sorted now rather than have them worrying all the time that they may upset her.

They asked about the DVD in front of her, when she'd shown it to them and your brother told them the details for a copy - so they were hardly going behind anyone's back.

It was your brothers wedding day too - he seems to want to share the photos DVD etc with his parents - and there is no rule that says the bride's wishes automatically over rule the groom's.

EdmundCleverClogs · 12/07/2017 09:54

I'm an introvert and quite private, but I am not a loon.

Again, you're getting half the story here, I think suggesting she's a 'loon' is rather unfair. Unless there's a massive drip feed, anything about the SiL is purely assumption. Even the OP doesn't know why she doesn't want the video shared.

LoveDeathPrizes · 12/07/2017 09:54

There's a whole backstory here that you're not getting. And you're likely to have a subjective opinion of your parents. She probably doesn't share it. I would guess that at the very least she finds them judgemental and interfering. In which case it's a huge effort to go beyond an hour acting the part. My PiL are real give an inch, take a mile people so it's easier not to give an inch.

Whattheacktual · 12/07/2017 09:55

It wasn't your parents wedding.

I find it odd that anyone would want a video to watch and rewatch of a wedding that's not their own.

LoveDeathPrizes · 12/07/2017 09:57

There's a whole backstory here that you're not getting. And you're likely to have a subjective opinion of your parents. She probably doesn't share it. I would guess that at the very least she finds them judgemental and interfering. In which case it's a huge effort to go beyond an hour acting the part. My PiL are real give an inch, take a mile people so it's easier not to give an inch.

Allthebestnamesareused · 12/07/2017 09:57

You mentioned that she had hangups about her body (from the swimming incident). Maybe she has watched her own video and doesn't like how she looks in it and is worried about other people watching it.

Also if people have been invited to stay the weekend at theirs and they always get refused and only given ""hours" of your time perhaps she feels like she isn't being included by your family.

RatherBeRiding · 12/07/2017 09:58

The OP's brother - whose wedding it was - has as much "right" over control/ownership of this wretched video as his wife. It was their wedding. Not the SiL's in isolation.

The brother knew perfectly well his parents wanted a copy - they said as much when they asked who had done it. If HE didn't want HIS parents to have a copy of HIS wedding video, he would have said as much. And HE is the one suggesting his parents get a copy made and keep quiet about it.

I really don't think OP's parents have done anything wrong at all.

KurriKurri · 12/07/2017 09:59

It's their son's wedding - that's a really special day for them too, they aren't just randomers.

I read threads like this and think I am so lucky to have such a fabulous DDIL. Her father didn't even come to her wedding reception because he was 'expecting an ASDA delivery' - that's way worse than people who love you wanting to share in your day and celebrate it with you.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 12/07/2017 09:59

I think the video thing is beyond shy & private too. If you don't want a wedding video you don't have it done. I didn't have one. It's an easy choice to make! It's pretty mean to deny her PILs the chance to have a copy - their son is as much the subject as she is. They're hardly going to broadcast it to the world.

Relationships are about give and take. No one party gets to dictate to everyone else.

The being quiet and reserved when you are all there doesn't in itself sound strange though.

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