Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 22 23

Original poster

Brothers wife, bridges burnt. What do we do?!

575 replies

tallulahturtle · 11/07/2017 23:59

Ok.

My brother got married last autumn and all seemed well. Had a few sketchy moments leading up to wedding where my parents were offering to pay for bits and bobs here and there and the bride seemed to take offence. Wedding happened and all fine, then my parents gently enquiry about wedding photos as they would really like to choose a few to have put in a frame. Months and months go by where my brother and his Mrs say "they are not ready yet". Eventually my brother says they are ready and this is the photographers contact details. So they order some and all fine.
The wedding video......my parents go visit my brother and Mrs and they show them the video, parents casually ask who did it. My brother tells them.

My parents ordered a copy ( they have a copy of my wedding video so thought it would be nice to have my brothers wedding too).

Last weekend on a visit they casually mention that they have got a copy.

Brothers wife goes from friendly to hostile rapidly. Goes very quiet. Parents mention it to me, I say " you are being over sensitive, she much have just been tired perhaps"

Yesterday brother phones to say please don't show anyone else the DVD.

Again phones this morning to say "please return the dvds to us as she is freaking out about it"

Ok must say, we have watched them and there is no dodgy sex scene. It's just a regular wedding video.

My parents as am I , are worried that we can never repair this. They have agreed to send the dvd to her and essentially lose £50 , but we just wonder what the hell we did wrong. Had no idea she was so sensitive about these things. Personally I would feel happy if my parents in law wanted a copy of the wedding video. At least it meant they gave a shit about me.

Anyways just looking for opinions on the whole situation as my parents have always felt her standoffish as she seems to be friendly for the first hour of a visit (we only visit every 4 months or so for half a day to go for a pub lunch for example) , then she goes all quiet as if she has had enough.

I may sound biased but my parents are not controlling or over bearing. They are just simply interested and care about them.

Just wish she could realise it. If anyone has any ideas as to how to mend this rift or even an idea of what her issue might be so we can be better prepared in future. My parents are approaching their 70s so just want everyone to be happy, life is way too short.

OP posts:

RapunzelsRealMom · 12/07/2017 07:52

Why on earth are your parents getting another copy of the video? That's expressly against their wishes and likely to do irreparable damage to the relationship.

Zumbumba · 12/07/2017 07:55

Getting another copy done is not how you create trust or show respect for someone's wishes, especially when you don't fully understand the reasoning behind her not wanting you to have the DVD. You're overstepping a clear boundary when you know the relationship is already difficult. Not sensible.

She may just want control over who sees the video. Perhaps they don't want any old friend of your parents'/ people they don't know seeing their special, private day. The video is for them, you don't all have some automatic right to it.

TheBusThatCouldntSlowDown · 12/07/2017 07:55

Parents are now getting another copy done professionally at more cost to them.

Your parents can just copy the DVD themselves before handing it over.

Your SIL sounds like hard work. You say her family came from overseas, are there cultural issues? Try being a lot more distant with her, the more you try to be friendly the more she'll push you away.

deloresclaiborne · 12/07/2017 07:55

as your brother just married pippa middleton

BertAndKhloe · 12/07/2017 07:58

They seem to have been badgering her for months over the photos and the offers to pay for bits and bobs here and there would really wind me up too. They seem overinvolved ?
FFS. They wanted to contribute to their son's wedding and then wanted some photos of it to display. You are pathetic if that would wind you up!

flapjackfairy · 12/07/2017 07:58

I dont think you or your parents have done anything wrong at all. She obviously has issues and must be v hard work to live with so i feel for your brother. Goodness knows how it will go longterm but i think you are doing everything you can and she needs to get some help to calm down !

flapjackfairy · 12/07/2017 07:59

Ps i also wouldnt get another copy !

NellieBuff · 12/07/2017 08:01

Parents are now getting another copy done professionally at more cost to them

well that's one way to burn bridges for sure

PrimalLass · 12/07/2017 08:02

Personally, because I always look awful in photos, I do think it is rude to put pictures of other people on display in your house without their permission. It really riles me that there are pics of me looking dreadful on the wall in a family member' house.

I would prob be the same about the video. I wish I wasn't like that but hey ho, we all have issues.

WokeUpSmeltTheCoffee · 12/07/2017 08:02

My SIL also did not order any copies of her own wedding photos although they are lovely and were done by an amazing photographer who they spent ages choosing and loads of money on!

She disliked her hair and make up and feels she looks bad. This is completely untrue as she looked lovely and the pictures are gorgeous.

We had the same stalling and 'they aren't ready' and then finally she admitted the real reason.

My parents and I went ahead and ordered some pictures direct from the photographer because a) this is my brother and it's his wedding too. Why should his family not have some pictures of this important occasion in his life b) my DD was a flower girl and no way was I not ordering photos of her c) it was a lovely wedding with lots of extended family and friends who rarely all get together and we wanted pictures of those memories.
Why would the brides weird hang ups trump those valid reasons?

We don't display the pictures in deference to her but I am happy that I have them. I did not consult her before ordering. If she wanted no photos she should have had no photographer!

PovertyJetset · 12/07/2017 08:04

I don't understand why your parents haven't spoken to your brother directly to ask what the Jeff is going on?'!

And frankly, you do that make a wedding video or have professional video made for private use. That's weird!

AvocadoHand · 12/07/2017 08:07

Parents are now getting another copy done professionally at more cost to them.

This is the part that will burn the bridge for good.

You asked for ideas about how to "mend this rift" and understand SIL, but it sounds like you just want people to agree with you that she is in the wrong.

DramaInPyjamas · 12/07/2017 08:08

BertandChloe

some see an offer to pay as a way in to give opinion and try to take over and organise. - "Oh, well we ARE paying, so we think..."

The OP's parents are already starting to coming across as THAT type. They don't seem to understand the word "NO".

Wait until / if grandchildren. Will they still ignore SIL and her wishes and do things their way anyway?

OnionKnight · 12/07/2017 08:09

How are the parents in the wrong here? It's their sons wedding.

EdmundCleverClogs · 12/07/2017 08:09

On first glance I thought your SiL was being rude, however thinking about it, I wouldn't be comfortable with others having our wedding video either, as an introvert. You seem very dismissive of her feelings, even if they seem silly to you/your family/some posters on here. This is one where I think I'd need to hear the 'other side' to really have an idea of who's unreasonable, I feel in missing a big chunk of information here.

Regardless, I think having another expensive copy done is a blantent disregard of her feelings, which may be valid even if she doesn't wish to explain them.

DeadGood · 12/07/2017 08:11

Ugh, clearly she has some problems with being photographed, and is introverted. That's fine, but the thing is that she is outside of "normal" range, and nobody is admitting it.

You need to have a chat with your brother. "She's funny like that" doesn't really cut it. If it were me, I could put up with this if my brother sat us all down and said "look, these are her issues, I know it makes things difficult sometimes, but these are the things that set her off and I appreciate your help and patience managing it." But if they both just carry on pretending everything is normal, when it clearly isn't, then you and your parents will constantly be on edge, worrying you're putting a foot wrong, unsure how to deal with her or what her problem actually is.

Whattheacktual · 12/07/2017 08:12

Who paid for the video person to be there on the day?

SafeToCross · 12/07/2017 08:16

I think she probably realises she is being unreasonable, but has crippling body image issues, or trouble not being in control. Possibly finds social occasions very draining too. I have a BIL who never takes his coat off and stays up in the guest room all weekend we have learned to look on the bright side and consider him an easy guest. For future communication, I would not walk on eggshells around her, but I would make sure communication about things that concern her don't go through your brother too much. I would send her a nice letter or note or something, and whichever one of you she seems warmer to, aim to build a relationship gradually. Your earlier posts suggest you are being very nice and British and supportive about this, carry that on, don't get into a family war.

HeffalumpsnWoozles · 12/07/2017 08:21

The dvd thing is very odd, I can't think of a reason she would be so uptight about it? But the going quiet after an hour or so I totally understand, my in laws come to visit infrequently but its exhausting for an introvert like me.

The constant chatter (usually about a very dull subject that can go on for hours) grinds me down and I start to feel tired and anxious.

I'm sure they think I'm rude too but its just the way I am and no amount of fake smiling and/or nodding during the one sided conversations would ever mask the fact I want to escape and find some solitude.

nocampinghere · 12/07/2017 08:23

I really don't like my wedding video. i wish i hadn't had one done. I'd be v pissed off if anyone went and got a copy.

Scrowy · 12/07/2017 08:26

Ah I can totally empathise with SILs position even though I recognise some people may not agree with it.

I have in laws that would do this, make polite enquiries about details and then do something a bit over the top and overbearing / intrusive with the information.

I would see my wedding photos and videos that we had paid for as ours to show or not show as and when we wished. I would be a bit annoyed if MIL took it upon herself to go and get copies of them without asking first and that is exactly the kind of thing she would do.

Some people are a bit more private than others and in SILs position I would feel my boundaries had been stepped on even though to DP and family they would see it as silly as 'we're family!?'

Ilovetolurk · 12/07/2017 08:26

I do wonder how many of the posters on here have adult children.

Whattheacktual · 12/07/2017 08:35

I have adult children. What's your point ?

AvocadoHand · 12/07/2017 08:40

I don't think she sounds 'outside of "normal" range'. Being shy and private is a perfectly valid personality type. Not everyone has to be outgoing and comfortable sharing all the details of their lives with people they don't know that well.

DeadGood · 12/07/2017 08:43

I agree that being shy and private is a valid personality type.
I simply think that she is private to a high degree, one that is incompatible with her family in law, and that they need to find away to make it work.
Pretending that nothing is going on is unhelpful.
And I do think she is outside of the normal range. That is fine too.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 22 23

Swipe left for the next trending thread