Brothers wife, bridges burnt. What do we do?!

[tallulahturtle]

Ok.

My brother got married last autumn and all seemed well. Had a few sketchy moments leading up to wedding where my parents were offering to pay for bits and bobs here and there and the bride seemed to take offence. Wedding happened and all fine, then my parents gently enquiry about wedding photos as they would really like to choose a few to have put in a frame. Months and months go by where my brother and his Mrs say "they are not ready yet". Eventually my brother says they are ready and this is the photographers contact details. So they order some and all fine.
The wedding video......my parents go visit my brother and Mrs and they show them the video, parents casually ask who did it. My brother tells them.

My parents ordered a copy ( they have a copy of my wedding video so thought it would be nice to have my brothers wedding too).

Last weekend on a visit they casually mention that they have got a copy.

Brothers wife goes from friendly to hostile rapidly. Goes very quiet. Parents mention it to me, I say " you are being over sensitive, she much have just been tired perhaps"

Yesterday brother phones to say please don't show anyone else the DVD.

Again phones this morning to say "please return the dvds to us as she is freaking out about it"

Ok must say, we have watched them and there is no dodgy sex scene. It's just a regular wedding video.

My parents as am I , are worried that we can never repair this. They have agreed to send the dvd to her and essentially lose £50 , but we just wonder what the hell we did wrong. Had no idea she was so sensitive about these things. Personally I would feel happy if my parents in law wanted a copy of the wedding video. At least it meant they gave a shit about me.

Anyways just looking for opinions on the whole situation as my parents have always felt her standoffish as she seems to be friendly for the first hour of a visit (we only visit every 4 months or so for half a day to go for a pub lunch for example) , then she goes all quiet as if she has had enough.

I may sound biased but my parents are not controlling or over bearing. They are just simply interested and care about them.

Just wish she could realise it. If anyone has any ideas as to how to mend this rift or even an idea of what her issue might be so we can be better prepared in future. My parents are approaching their 70s so just want everyone to be happy, life is way too short.

Exactly Edmund. There appears to me a lot more at play here than SIL simply being 'ridiculous' and to simplify it and paint OP and her parents as saints and SIL as baddies is quite obviously not accurate.

" If you did something considered ridiculous by others, but you were in the middle of suffering mental health issues (for example), your husband would be a bit of an arsehole not to support you. In this case, we have no idea why the SiL is being 'ridiculous'"

No, I agree. But if I was in the middle of mental health issues, one of the things I would expect my dp to do is to advocate for me. Which involves offering some sort of explanation to those around us so that they can go some way towards understanding. And I would expect him to know the difference between that and me being ridiculous. And if I was being ridiculous, then I woildn!t expect him to have to support me come what may. As I said, partnership, not cult.

tallulahturtle
Totally get where u r coming from! My sister in law is similar in the sense she is very close to her family but will like my brothers closeness to his controlled.
Unfortunately after over 10yrs of marriage and walking on eggshells I couldn't give a care in the world how she feels as long as I don't disrespect my space.
I do what I can, don't bother with small talk. She can be very nice one minute and cold the next. I just realised we all can't be the same. I also have in laws and respect their relationship with my hubby and don't expect things to happen or go the way i like.
Build on your relationship with your brother and if she wishes to build hers with you she can. If she doesn't her problem not urs at least u tried.
It wouldn't change when the kids come, you will just be use to it and would have learned how to deal with it better.
I got the same reaction of there must be a back story. There isn't. We are all adults and some people feel it's their way or no way. Your brother just needs to grow some balls and decide what he actually wants for himself. Took a while for my brother till he realised he might actually loose his family whilst hers is so close to them and the kids and started to mend bridges

I think she's conscious of something to do with her body. That would explain why she fled the beach and doesn't want the DVD out there.

She might have something medical going on that you're not aware of that she's super conscious of.

Or maybe she is just very self concious? I have a friend who worries about how her nose looks from the side, especially in photos.

I'd bet I it isn't anything to do with what your parents have done but just the fact she can't control the wedding photos and DVDs.

BertrandRussell of course that's what anyone would expect, but again we're heading down the road of speculation. Perhaps she is just being horrible and ridiculous for the sake of it, and her husband is cross with her behaviour. Perhaps she is suffering in some way and her husband is crap and unsupportive, putting his parents' wants before her needs, unfairly deeming her ridiculous. Perhaps she finds his family overbearing with or without good reason for it, and he finds that opinion 'ridiculous'. He hasn't explained any which way, so who the hell knows.

Generally though, you try and find a way to see from your partner's point of view, even if you don't wholly agree. Going behind your spouse's back and calling them such things is not a good partnership.

There appears to me a lot more at play here than SIL simply being 'ridiculous' and to simplify it and paint OP and her parents as saints and SIL as baddies is quite obviously not accurate

well I totally agree and to add the element of FOG here, the in laws may be the most over bearing boundary crossing people ever know, but the DH may find this normal because he has classic FOG, and this is why he is not supporting his wife because to him its NORMAL.
We dont know - what we do know however is that certain posters always always without fail err on the side of in laws.

"We dont know - what we do know however is that certain posters always always without fail err on the side of in laws."

If that was directed towards me no I am absolutly not.

Fascinating that nobody ever says this when it's a thread complaining about pils
Maybe on Gransnet you would find this but most of us are dils I assume on here, and many of us have been side lined and marginalized and are probably viewed as the crazy ones by their in laws.

Well I am, My sil could easily come on here and paint a similar picture to op. For all we know - the pils may have ruined the sils wedding> put a dampener on it and she find it rich they want a copy - who knows. ALL sorts of things op isnt aware of could be going on.

Just some posters are always incredulous to people who suffer at in laws hands.

Because they themselves may have an ever so slightly trying relationship with in laws they don't adore but rub along with happily. They feel that they have made sacrifices and why cant other people. There is no empathy or understanding that actually other peoples issues run far deeper than that and many couples have ended up in RELATE to desperately try and save their very Marriage their home and protect their DC from Toxic in laws.

And as someone who has sat in RELATE trying to save a marriage from toxic in laws YES I CAN SAY THEY would advocate a husband defending and supporting his wife and vice versa with in laws.

Privately at home you can argue, call each other names and sort out your wife or your dh being " ridiculous" but with the in laws you present a united unit.

Well, lots of people are. It was even suggested that the OP's dad and brother had been sexually inappropriate to her!

In the real world, the world yes, all kinds of stuff can be going on. I was opening up the ideas to the range of things that could be going on if op isnt aware.

Ie - running away from wearing a bikini.

"Just some posters are always incredulous to people who suffer at in laws hands"
No. I am not incredulous to real suffering. Some people are awful, cruel bastards. But so often the things people post about are so trivial and the unquestioning, uncritical pile in is so distasteful. And it's almost funny that a mil can be castigated equally for, say, mucking in with the housework when she visits, and not mucking in with the housework. And any man who enjoys his mother's company needs to cut the apron strings. And one of my favourites "I can't stand being in her company/I don't understand why she wants to have the children without me"

Actually, I've got a new favourite. Somebody has posted praising their mil, and the suggestion is that it must be because the poster is an utterly amazing dil!

Every MIL is or was a DIL, unless she married an orphan. So we've all been on both ends of the relationship.

One of the nicest things anyone ever said about me was my SIL when he and my DD were sorting out legal stuff when buying their first house, they were having a discussion about what would happen if they ever split up as one put more deposit in than the other. SIL said whatever happened in a divorce he was keeping me. I must be getting something right.

BertrandRussell that's rather unfair. What may seem trivial to you may well be explained as a long term issue in those OPs. Someone doesn't need to be nasty or evil to get on your last wick. I could easily have a proper moan about my mil, though much of it may seem irrelevant it's enough that we can only have her around a couple of times a year. She in turn would probably bemoan the fact she barely sees family and probably could easily suggest I'm to blame, when the truth is her son has to coheresed into all visit by me. It's all subjective, one person's 'it's fine for men to get along with their mothers!' is another person's 'but does he really need to get into bed with her on a Sunday morning in his 20's' (an actual situation my friend had).

I will agree though that suggesting that a good MiL comes from just being a great DiL sounds silly, and quite insulting to both sides.

writing the next page of the speculation novel: what about bigamy?

We were all banned from taking any photos at the wedding because she was petrified that the family would find where she had moved to.

I think the difference here is not you were told the reason and therefore knew it was a reasonable request.

If you did something considered ridiculous by others, but you were in the middle of suffering mental health issues (for example), your husband would be a bit of an arsehole not to support you. In this case, we have no idea why the SiL is being 'ridiculous'.

But presumably the brother does? And he's deemed it to be a ridiculous reason, so presumably she's not in the middle of a mental health issue else he'd be supporting her?

Again, without knowing the reason, we are all just speculating. So all we really know is that SIL is good at creating drama.

But presumably the brother does? And he's deemed it to be a ridiculous reason, so presumably she's not in the middle of a mental health issue else he'd be supporting her?

I did follow that post with several more reasons why her husband might think she was 'being ridiculous', all speculation of course. As I concluded in that post, regardless of his view, he shouldn't be calling her such things to his family behind her back. It causes them to think she may be an unreasonable person in general, along with being unsupportive to something his wife evidently finds to be an issue big enough to cause such a fuss.

And it's almost funny that a mil can be castigated equally for, say, mucking in with the housework when she visits, and not mucking in with the housework. And any man who enjoys his mother's company needs to cut the apron strings. And one of my favourites "I can't stand being in her company/I don't understand why she wants to have the children without me

You may find it funny but what you dont seem to understand is, that there are on here and in RL millions of happy dils and mils rubbing along.

You do appreciate that? There is a world outside of MN? Many dils will be perfectly happy or be able to tolerate a mil coming in and doing housework, and getting intimate with their underwear etc etc.

However when people complain on here, yes a very teeny % are OTT however its usually a problem when there is a considerable back story and a huge power struggle going on usually from Mils side, because after all - DILS never come on saying:

" I went to Mils today and tried to do her washing and tidy up her living room and wash her underwear and she got cross with me, I was only trying to help mil" DO THEY!

You may not find mils feeling free to help out a problem but I can assure you in RELATE its a boundary crossing if the person whose room is being tidied has not asked for it or wanted it.

What you deem to be trivial is not trivial to someone else. It may be good to start realising this if you have sons for your own future DILS sake. As for being in the same room, its again usually when the mil has shown utter contempt for the dil and been rude on numerous occasions and treated her like dirt then expects her children to go to her alone, with a woman who clearly hates her.

the fact she barely sees family and probably could easily suggest I'm to blame, when the truth is her son has to coheresed into all visit by me

yes we have had this too, in fact I wish I had never ever interfered like I did in the early days - my DH just wouldn't have bothered with them. I like millions of DILS get the blame when their son literally doesnt bother with them.

I can relate to a lot of this too..Blowingthrough. My MIL has crossed numerous boundaries since the day we met, and the dynamics of the relationship have had many ups & downs. However, I have always strived to keep things amicable and make her feel welcome. I have also worked hard to help her (make her?) understand, in a very subtle indirect way, that some of her behaviour, was not acceptable. Turning up unannounced for a 3 month visit, ignoring our requests on visiting and inviting other relatives after DD was born, going behind my back to make the kids do something I didn't want to do, taking them to a doctor without my knowing...inviting herself on our family vacation, and indeed, even our first ever romantic weekend away! The list is endless, and there are no excuses for that kind of behaviour, but we have worked our way through it. We get along much better now, and are even planning her next visit..

Stirring siblings and low input DH's.

Hahaha. This is funny. And maybe a little true.

I am the only one who thinks SiL's family may not be entirely sorry that that their little Kiwi flew the nest and emigrated to the UK? Seems very attention seeking to cancel the meal when she and her groom-to-be could just have said they preferred to have time alone and let both families enjoy the restaurant.
It sounds as if SiL has something to hide. But I must remember this is MN, not a novel, so we'll never know!

Stirring siblings and low input DH's

Not just a little

In my case I was told DH dsis was our worst enemy, stirring and causing huge problems with DH dp.

Oh I know only too well myself.

Cremefresh good advice!
She sounds oversensitive but there could be a reason behind it. Do you know what her relationship with her own parents is like? I don't think this will improve without cautious intervention so I'd try this. Show her you are supportive of their relationship and the decision. If she takes it well you could tell them you're concerned about the good relationship between all of of you. Strawberries and cream or afternoon tea sounds nice to go on the background of this?

The more OP posts the nire I think this bride would be well shod of all if them, her husband included.