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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brothers wife, bridges burnt. What do we do?!

575 replies

tallulahturtle · 11/07/2017 23:59

Ok.

My brother got married last autumn and all seemed well. Had a few sketchy moments leading up to wedding where my parents were offering to pay for bits and bobs here and there and the bride seemed to take offence. Wedding happened and all fine, then my parents gently enquiry about wedding photos as they would really like to choose a few to have put in a frame. Months and months go by where my brother and his Mrs say "they are not ready yet". Eventually my brother says they are ready and this is the photographers contact details. So they order some and all fine.
The wedding video......my parents go visit my brother and Mrs and they show them the video, parents casually ask who did it. My brother tells them.

My parents ordered a copy ( they have a copy of my wedding video so thought it would be nice to have my brothers wedding too).

Last weekend on a visit they casually mention that they have got a copy.

Brothers wife goes from friendly to hostile rapidly. Goes very quiet. Parents mention it to me, I say " you are being over sensitive, she much have just been tired perhaps"

Yesterday brother phones to say please don't show anyone else the DVD.

Again phones this morning to say "please return the dvds to us as she is freaking out about it"

Ok must say, we have watched them and there is no dodgy sex scene. It's just a regular wedding video.

My parents as am I , are worried that we can never repair this. They have agreed to send the dvd to her and essentially lose £50 , but we just wonder what the hell we did wrong. Had no idea she was so sensitive about these things. Personally I would feel happy if my parents in law wanted a copy of the wedding video. At least it meant they gave a shit about me.

Anyways just looking for opinions on the whole situation as my parents have always felt her standoffish as she seems to be friendly for the first hour of a visit (we only visit every 4 months or so for half a day to go for a pub lunch for example) , then she goes all quiet as if she has had enough.

I may sound biased but my parents are not controlling or over bearing. They are just simply interested and care about them.

Just wish she could realise it. If anyone has any ideas as to how to mend this rift or even an idea of what her issue might be so we can be better prepared in future. My parents are approaching their 70s so just want everyone to be happy, life is way too short.

OP posts:
hippyhippyshake · 12/07/2017 04:46

Bit much saying 'return the dvds to us'. They belong to the parents who ordered and paid for them! Flaky dil needs to explain why it's such a big deal and I'm sure it wouldn't have occurred to their son that he had to 'ask' if it was ok to pass on the details of the dvd company.

AvocadoHand · 12/07/2017 04:49

Re the DVD, I imagine she didn't realise other people could order it and is really uncomfortable with other people obtaining something she views as private. And yes, maybe she isn't happy with the end result.

heron98 · 12/07/2017 04:50

She may be an introvert, yes. But she's also an adult and needs to be polite and fake it til you make it.

I find family visits draining but I plaster on a smile and am friendly and warm until it's over.

The OP and her parents sound lovely and welcoming. She sounds plain rude.

OldHabitsDieHard · 12/07/2017 04:57

Being an "introvert" does not excuse somebody being rude. I'm pretty introverted myself. When I need to, I stick on a smile and make polite chit chat.

I know a girl who is a self-proclaimed "introvert". This is her excuse for being rude/sulky/sullen etc. She's a rude, immature pain in the backside, to be frank.

Introvert or not, SIL wants to grow up and get over herself.

AvocadoHand · 12/07/2017 05:01

heron98 The thing is, one person's rude is another person's quiet and reserved. And one person's 'lovely and welcoming' is another person's overbearing and intrusive. It does sound like OP and her family are doing their best to be friendly, but if they really want to build a relationship with SIL they might find a low key approach more effective.

Llamabrain · 12/07/2017 05:02

I really doubt any bridges have been burned - quietly make a copy and then invite her out and give her the original back, and at that point apologise for any offense caused and ask why she didn't want anyone else to have a copy so you can explain to your parents. I think that your parents are not U to want a copy of the video and a few pictures - often weddings are also like family reunions so you might only have pictures of the whole family together at these events.

Whattheacktual · 12/07/2017 05:30

I think it's weird to order the video. And I think she's an Introvert. Why do all of you have to go en masse? Can't your parents visit alone and you and your dh separately?

MistressPage · 12/07/2017 07:07

I hear you OP, my SIL is a bit like this. None of us were allowed to know a single detail about my brother's wedding, no involvement, didn't feel like a family wedding at all, and not allowed access to the pictures afterwards. She doesn't really want us in their lives, sadly, as we've always been quite a close family. All you can do is keep trying to be nice...

MaudAndOtherPoems · 12/07/2017 07:15

I agree with being nice, but I also agree that SIL needs to be gently and kindly encouraged to get over herself. As someone said, weddings are family occasions and, if they're held in a church, they've even public occasions. But the latest comments about not wanting guests to take photos and reacting so much to someone else stripping off for a swim might indicate that she has issues around body image, so tread gently.

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 12/07/2017 07:22

Does being an introvert mean that she's incapable of explaining why no one can see the video?

NellieBuff · 12/07/2017 07:29

I think there is something more here other than a SIL being rude.

OP: you don't like her do you? I sensed that just from your post so if I can sense that so can your SIL.

Perhaps she finds your parents intrusive and overbearing (even if you say they don't). The fact that she is friendly for the first hour and then gets more distant indicates that she finds you overwhelming or overbearing.

As others have said triy meeting one to one sometimes and build up a relationship with her just for herself and not just because she is married to your brother.

DramaInPyjamas · 12/07/2017 07:30

Is she maybe hiding from someone? Past relationship? She sounds very anxious. Maybe She's thought the DVD would be private to her and her husband and is frightened that she will be seen and found..?

CoraPirbright · 12/07/2017 07:31

If you can't ask sil directly then I'd ask your brother. Unless you get to the bottom of this any further meetings, outings , lunches etc are going to be a minefield of worry just in case you do something that offends her..

What Creme says. And also agree with OldHabits. Introvert or no, she needs to be bloody polite and her own PILs are not strangers and should not be banned from having a copy of their son's wedding!! How long have they been together? What was she like before? If you cant get to the bottom of this and start moving towards a place where she feels more at ease in your company then welcome to a life of pussy-footing around her. Gah! How tiresome. As a start, may I suggest that you visit separately from your parents? Possibly she views the en masse visits as a bit much. She shouldn't as you all sound nice but there are plenty on MN who would be horrified at that!!

DramaInPyjamas · 12/07/2017 07:36

For what it's worth, I'd probably feel the same as her.
They seem to have been badgering her for months over the photos and the offers to pay for bits and bobs here and there would really wind me up too. They seem overinvolved ?

Ilovetolurk · 12/07/2017 07:36

How on earth is it weird to want to order your son's wedding video? Shock horror as parents might want to watch it themselves.

And introvert does not mean be civil for an hour at most.

Yanbu OP

Howlongtilldinner · 12/07/2017 07:39

I'd have loved my IL's to have been that interested in me, some people just don't know their luckSad

Justhadmyhaircut · 12/07/2017 07:40

Bridezilla post wedding day is a new one!!

Original poster
tallulahturtle · 12/07/2017 07:42

Thanks for comments. Parents are now getting another copy done professionally at more cost to them.

It may sound like when we visit it's a massive loud affair. It's really not it's just four people coming down, going to a pub for lunch. We are a quiet family and sometimes (like last weekend) it's just mum and dad that pop down for lunch. I often can't get down there as I've got horse based stuff going on most weekends. Just sad as my brother says "oh you must come down for the weekend and stay over" to us but we really do not feel welcome.

The build up to the wedding was similar to a comment above. We were not allowed to know any details of it, really didn't feel like my own brother getting married. We all occasionally asked stuff about wedding as we were simply interested and nothing more than that but we soon learnt to not talk about it. My mum for example gently enquiries what her mother was wearing as she didn't want to clash, but she wouldn't even give her mums contact details (they are from overseas) to find out so eventually mum just had to go buy something and hope it wouldn't clash. On the day of the wedding her family were such a lovely bunch of people, so warm and friendly, nothing like sil.
It's just an odd situation, have asked brother but he just says "she's funny about these things"

OP posts:
DramaInPyjamas · 12/07/2017 07:44

"Parents are now getting another copy done professionally at more cost to them. "

^^

do they always disrespect people's wishes? The bride strictly said no copies.

JockTamsonsBairns · 12/07/2017 07:45

The OP and her parents sound lovely and welcoming. She sounds plain rude.

Of course the OP and her parents sound lovely and welcoming. She wrote the OP after all.

Pumperthepumper · 12/07/2017 07:46

Why are your parents getting another copy done?

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 12/07/2017 07:46

Gosh there's some weird people on MNGrin

How is it "overbearing" or "intrusive" to offer to pay for parts of a wedding or want photos of your SONS wedding?!

My SIL is a bit like this, we walk on eggshells trying not to upset her. She's fallen out with many of her family and friends. However I feel sorry for her. She had an awful childhood and I know this effects her adult relationships.

If you only see her every few months then don't worry about this. Just carry on as normal and enjoy your visits together.

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 12/07/2017 07:50

Parents are now getting another copy done professionally at more cost to them

Or they could actually just respect your SIL wishes and not...that's certainly one way to burn bridges anyway....

hippyhippyshake · 12/07/2017 07:50

Yes, some of these replies are weird! This is their SON'S wedding, not some random on FB. Of course they want some photos.

junebirthdaygirl · 12/07/2017 07:51

Since she is from overseas she may not be used to things in UK. Eg it may be very rude in her culture to offer to pay for stuff. I kind of get it about the dvd. I only wanted people to see ours if l was there so all watched it together. I wasnt even remotely self conscious but wanted to see others reaction not miss it.Of course years later dc watch it through howls of laughter at the clothes etc but straight after the wedding l liked to be there.
Also l would have hated visiting from whole family together. Dps at one visit. You and dh at another. Give her a chance to adjust to your family and try and understand her personality. This will all settle down soon.
Do you have them to yours without parents?

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