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AIBU?

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Original poster

Brothers wife, bridges burnt. What do we do?!

575 replies

tallulahturtle · 11/07/2017 23:59

Ok.

My brother got married last autumn and all seemed well. Had a few sketchy moments leading up to wedding where my parents were offering to pay for bits and bobs here and there and the bride seemed to take offence. Wedding happened and all fine, then my parents gently enquiry about wedding photos as they would really like to choose a few to have put in a frame. Months and months go by where my brother and his Mrs say "they are not ready yet". Eventually my brother says they are ready and this is the photographers contact details. So they order some and all fine.
The wedding video......my parents go visit my brother and Mrs and they show them the video, parents casually ask who did it. My brother tells them.

My parents ordered a copy ( they have a copy of my wedding video so thought it would be nice to have my brothers wedding too).

Last weekend on a visit they casually mention that they have got a copy.

Brothers wife goes from friendly to hostile rapidly. Goes very quiet. Parents mention it to me, I say " you are being over sensitive, she much have just been tired perhaps"

Yesterday brother phones to say please don't show anyone else the DVD.

Again phones this morning to say "please return the dvds to us as she is freaking out about it"

Ok must say, we have watched them and there is no dodgy sex scene. It's just a regular wedding video.

My parents as am I , are worried that we can never repair this. They have agreed to send the dvd to her and essentially lose £50 , but we just wonder what the hell we did wrong. Had no idea she was so sensitive about these things. Personally I would feel happy if my parents in law wanted a copy of the wedding video. At least it meant they gave a shit about me.

Anyways just looking for opinions on the whole situation as my parents have always felt her standoffish as she seems to be friendly for the first hour of a visit (we only visit every 4 months or so for half a day to go for a pub lunch for example) , then she goes all quiet as if she has had enough.

I may sound biased but my parents are not controlling or over bearing. They are just simply interested and care about them.

Just wish she could realise it. If anyone has any ideas as to how to mend this rift or even an idea of what her issue might be so we can be better prepared in future. My parents are approaching their 70s so just want everyone to be happy, life is way too short.

OP posts:
deffoncforthis · 14/07/2017 16:28

Sounds like you don't have the whole picture, so should probably butt out.

Also if my in-laws regularly popped in at once it would be nice at first, but it would start feeling like a parliamentary committee before too long.

Butteredparsnip1ps · 14/07/2017 16:52

I can imagine that OP's SIL may well have anxiety or other MH illness. She clearly does have her own reasons for not wanting PILs to have a copy of the wedding DVD, but I cannot get my head round a) the PIL's being unreasonable for wanting an actual copy - that they paid for - of their Son's wedding and b) The PILS being unreasonable for wanting to see their Son and DIL for a few hours, at a pub every few weeks. This is not evidence of excessive or overbearing behaviour.

I wonder though what support SIL does have in place? she is an introvert who is thousands of miles from home. Does she have any friends or support networks?

lynnekatiebetty · 14/07/2017 17:35

She sounds insecure and like someone who wants to keep control of her image.
I personally completely understand we're she's coming from - I hate photo's, videos etc ..
Your brother is at fault here - he should know her boundaries and support them with the rest of the family.
I'd go gently - she's probably dying of shame and furious. Inviting a 1:1 when be better than a group thing.

Blowingthroughthejasmineinmymi · 14/07/2017 17:38

but I cannot get my head round a) the PIL's being unreasonable for wanting an actual copy - that they paid for - of their Son's wedding and b) The PILS being unreasonable for wanting to see their Son and DIL for a few hours, at a pub every few weeks. This is not evidence of excessive or overbearing behaviour

But what if this woman then told us - her in laws always made her feel uncomfortable, made rude remarks to her - perhaps even about her figure or family etc, made it clear she was not worth of their son etc...would meeting for a few hours seem so easy and not over bearing, we simply have no idea what these pils are really like.

ittakes2 · 14/07/2017 17:48

While I think your new sister'n'law is overacting and sounds like a control freak - I would think it's weird if my parents'n'law had just gone and ordered a video without talking to me. Usually with wedding photos the couple say to everyone - here are the photos, please order what you like. Your brother and sister'n'law didn't say - here are the DVD details please order copies if you like. Maybe she felt the DVD was personal to her and did not want to share it. Lxx

ChangelingToday · 14/07/2017 22:02

We gave a copy of our DVD to both sets of parents, does anyone ever watch them? We haven't looked at ours in years

theonewiththenoisychild · 15/07/2017 08:26

i too noticed that the story changed from a casual question about who made the video to saying they wanted a copy and being told where to get it....
if they were told where to get it and the brother and sister in law agreed then the brother should pay the £50 so as not to leave parents out of pocket.
getting a copy made is not the way to go at all. i got married 3 weeks ago i couldnt care less if someone else has copies of our photos or a video of the wedding. i was happy to have so many people taking photos as our photographer cancelled at short notice so a family friend with a professional camera stepped in as we couldnt find another. my sister has a video of me singing to my husband.... i cant even watch it its so bad it makes me cringe but we all had a good day and night
end result we are married so any minor imperfections dont matter.
i dont see what her issue is over the video but making a copy in secret wont help matters.
i wouldnt say anything more about it and carry on visiting as your brother wants. on the subject of children it would be rather odd if you didnt ask when baby was due Confused maybe just dont go over the top buying too many gifts or whatever bit i think your bother will be hurt if you dont show interest. see if you can find out off yiur brother exactly what she says her reasons are for not wanting other people to have a copy

theonewiththenoisychild · 15/07/2017 08:30

sorry for the typos barely slept last night Sad

rightwhine · 15/07/2017 08:44

She certainly sounds odd for whatever reason. I feel sorry for your poor brother. He's stuck right in the middle having to show support for her, whilst knowing she ibu.

Iikkiilloo · 15/07/2017 09:33

would think it's weird if my parents'n'law had just gone and ordered a video without talking to meI

Their SON had told them how to buy the video Confused or doesn't that count?

t3rr3gl35 · 15/07/2017 10:02

I could be this SIL, and I have read this thread with growing horror. I reluctantly agreed to having a photographer at our wedding as I hate photographs of myself. I actually do not recognise myself in photographs and have to "place" myself by remembering the specifics of the place, looking at the clothes and people I'm beside. it can be a little distressing to see a stranger and know that it's me - as if I don't really exist.

My in-laws were so enthusiastic at our wedding that they were taking photos of everybody and everything, even although they had been asked not to. This bothered me less than I had imagined it would, but somebody posted shots on FB while we were on honeymoon and we were gutted, both at the lack of consideration for our privacy and that we hadn't even seen our own professional photographs. We knew that no malice had been intended - it was simply excitement and a little bit of thoughtlessness..

I can't quite explain why, but I felt a bit "dirty" when we returned, and although we had paid for an album, neither of us had the heart to pick photographs to display in it. We ended up just asking for the images on disk, and have shown them to our in-laws, told them that they can order any from the photographer but that we won't be doing so. I hope my in-'laws don't think that i am being difficult for no reason, but this thread has made me think that maybe they are walking on eggshells around me. I'm horrified.

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 15/07/2017 12:53

t3rr3gl35 if you've explained to your in-laws how you feel as well as you've explained it above, then they won't be treading on eggshells because they'll know exactly how you feel, and if they are decent people they will respect that.
The problem with this OP is that SIL has given no indication why she has a problem with something that most people think is a normal thing to do - ie give your parents copies of wedding photos and video. Leading to speculation and accusations of being weird. If she just said, I don't like it for x reason, then her in-laws may have just nodded and gone, ah, ok, fair enough if that's how you feel.

k8michell · 15/07/2017 13:08

I agree with LeakyLittleBoat. It's great that your parents are interested & completely normal to want copies. I personally would have paid for the copies myself for both sets of parents.
To get twitchy after an hour visit??! It seems really odd to me, like she's married into the family but not really integrated & made friends.

Original poster
tallulahturtle · 15/07/2017 13:12

That's exactly it, if we knew even vaguely why then that's fine we can know how to handle stuff but it's the not knowing what may upset her next.

OP posts:
k8michell · 15/07/2017 13:13

t3rr3gl35 It sounds like you've been very clear & fair. I'm sorry you had that experience, I wouldn't have liked people posting pics without permission either. I think it's the lack of communication in this case. Nothing like your situation.

emesis · 15/07/2017 13:37

She sounds very anxious and self-conscious to me.

I hope you can find a good moment to talk to her heart to heart, OP. It sounds really hard! I'm sure I've baffled my in-laws over many similar things because I was awkward and confused about how to deal with situations.

SherbrookeFosterer · 15/07/2017 18:34

I have experience of people like her.

Sadly she is a psychopath and a control freak and whatever you do, or anyone else, will be wrong in her eyes.

You will just have to pull on all your reserves of humour and patience unfortunately.

I know I sound harsh, but really, I had a SIL exactly like her.

Good luck.

EdmundCleverClogs · 15/07/2017 19:02

Sadly she is a psychopath and a control freak and whatever you do, or anyone else, will be wrong in her eyes.

You don't know this woman. You've had one instance of possible unreasonable behaviour in her life from one side of the issue. What qualifies you to diagnose her as a 'psychopath', purely because you've decided she sort-of sounds like someone you used to know? You don't sound harsh, you sound like a terrible armchair psychologist.

t3rr3gl35 · 15/07/2017 21:39

I didn't intend to make that about me. i was clumsily trying to get across that she maybe has a completely irrational reason to be the way she is and is unable to articulate it to her in-laws.

I imagine that she is embarrassed by whatever reason she has, and that attempts to try to get her to explain are making her more defensive. I fell sorry for the OP and for the SIL. Maybe giving her some space and letting it rest is the way to slowly build confidence on each side.

Suzieq323681 · 16/07/2017 08:30

Copy the DVDs, send back original, keep your distance till she calms down .

randomer · 16/07/2017 08:36

Talk to the lady. Ask her if she is well. Can you help in any way

quartofquakingquills · 16/07/2017 10:49

if we knew even vaguely why then that's fine we can know how to handle stuff but it's the not knowing what may upset her next.

You could try not baiting upsetting her?

She will find out about the disc being copied - good luck on getting out of that one. Confused

Palpatine · 16/07/2017 15:26

Honestly, if she didn't want people to have copies of her wedding photos and video, then she should have spoken up and let people know when her husband volunteered the info to his parents or at the very least told her husband afterwards how she felt about it and get him to communicate it to his family.

And "being new to the family" is a bollocks excuse. Assuming that the brother didn't just meet her a week before the wedding, she would have had some opportunities to interact with his family.

I'm a gobby introvert, if that's a thing, so I completely get the feeling of being exhausted by having to make small talk and having to be around people and needing a break to recharge. But at the same time it's also my responsibility to let people know when things are getting too much. I need to advocate for myself rather than expecting folks to second guess why I'm quiet which can potentially create further issues when people get it wrong like assuming they have done something wrong when it's just me needing a breather.

My MIL and I are very different in certain aspects of social interactions. She finds silence uncomfortable and thrives on chit chat, I enjoy chatting for a certain amount of time but then am quite happy to just sit back and let other people take over or just listen for a while. We just work around each other.

I also don't like photos/videos of myself, so DH and I sorted through our wedding photos (didn't have a video) and then opened up our selection for family to request prints if they wanted them. I wouldn't have released photos if I thought I looked shit or had some sort of other concern. I assume the SIL in this story had the same opportunity.

PS: The cancelled dinner is bonkers. The couple should have just told their guests to keep the reservation and have a meal without them while they went and organized their own "private" dinner (in a restaurant with dozens of strangers...). Much easier for 2 people to make alternative arrangements than 28.

Jeanneweany · 16/07/2017 22:52

Sounds like a culture clash. If she was raised with different perception. Such as not stripping off to go swimming. She may also have an odd relationship with her family. Or is intimidated by the Waltons going out for lunch. Try letting parents see her with your Bro. Òr could she be feeling you overshadow her perhaps? Not all families are joined at the hip. Why does she live 2 hours away?????

poopoopoo · 30/07/2017 21:46

I remember my sister in law having a laugh at my expense at my wedding video- she got to see it before I did! So I can see it can be an issue.....

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