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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child free wedding that isn't child free

248 replies

user15262093 · 11/07/2017 00:55

Hi don't know if i am being unreasonable and need a bit of perspective.
My DB is getting married next year. We were told from the beginning that the wedding is going to be child free. I had no problem with this, in fact sometimes its nice to have an excuse to have a rare day off from the kids. This was around 8 months ago. Since then I have spent £500 on a hen do, paid for their wedding car, brought extra bits and pieces in for the wedding for them to discover that DB soon to be wife, is inviting her niece and she is a flower girl, but my two dd's are not invited! They are all of a similar age. I wouldn't expect my two to be flowers girls if she hadn't of wanted it but to not even be invited! I feel so angry and feel like not going but don't want to be seen as being petty. How do i approach the situation? I think if i bring it up its going to explode into a big row thanks

OP posts:
BeepBeepMOVE · 11/07/2017 01:09

YABU. It's their wedding and they can invite who they like. Maybe they want you (and DH?) to relax and enjoy yourself instead of being mum all night. My friends and family are completely different when their kids aren't around- much more fun.

GonzoFlyingProducts · 11/07/2017 01:09

Weddings are about what exactly - oh yeah - family !
Whats a family event without children?

Personally I've never understood the "child free" anything.
They're not a disease. They're just you a while ago.

And who actually ENJOYS a wedding more than kids?
Hiding under the tables at the reception with stolen cake, watching your drunken uncle Dad dancing, dressing up, meeting your weird cousins (and the other lots weird cousins) and feeling like you're really actually part of a FAMILY ???

I can't imagine anything more bonkers than a "child free" wedding.
Sad really. Completely misses the point.

GonzoFlyingProducts · 11/07/2017 01:09

PS - that flower girl is going to be awfully lonely on the day.

GreenTulips · 11/07/2017 01:19

Well if the ride can have her niece then the groom can have his!

Yes mention it!

ChasedByBees · 11/07/2017 01:23

It's the lack of consistency that's galling isn't it? And your children may well be upset when they see photos of the flower girl. I think you need to raise it.

WillRikersExtraNipple · 11/07/2017 01:34

Weddings are about what exactly - oh yeah - family ! Whats a family event without children?

Many people get married and don't have any children. Family doesn't mean children.

SilverBirchTree · 11/07/2017 01:49

YABU. Attend or don't, but asking to bring extras along to a wedding is extremely rude.

I also don't see it as inconsistent. The bride picked a little girl who is extremely special to her to be in her bridal party - she is not just a guest. This doesn't open the flood gates for every invited parent to demand to bring their brood.

For the commentators saying 'weddings are about family', I disagree. Weddings are about whatever the couple decide. If you think weddings are about families, then by all means throw that kind of event when its your turn. If my partner and I think weddings are all about cocktails and heavy metal music, than that's the kind of event we will throw. Come or don't.

Guests don't get to dictate the theme and/or guest list of someone else's wedding.

Smitff · 11/07/2017 01:51

Didn't you post about this yesterday?

Raise it if you want, don't if you don't. Just don't be sour about someone's wedding day.

CrowyMcCrowFace · 11/07/2017 01:56

Why are you bothered? You say yourself it's nice to have a day off without the dc.

I'd feel quite sorry for poor random flower girl with no other kids her age to hang out with, but no doubt her parents will plan for that?

Meanwhile, you're exactly where you were before you knew about her. Wedding invite. Kids free. Fun.

I'd go, & have a blast.

My 3 dcs hit a bit of a perfect storm in terms of xh's siblings & cousins having late ish weddings, & my friends being on to round 2. They probably did a dozen weddings over 4 years & honestly wouldn't thank you for another.

Being a kid at a random wedding is massively boring: I have this on good authority Wink

Honestly, go & have fun.

WillRikersExtraNipple · 11/07/2017 02:02

If you were completely fine with your kids not going until you heard another kid was, yabvu. Either you're bothered or you're not.

headhurtstoomuch · 11/07/2017 02:07

OP - going against the grain but I'd be heartbroken if my children weren't invited to my brothers wedding regardless of whether or not the bride's niece was or wasn't.

WillRikersExtraNipple · 11/07/2017 02:20

OP wasn't though. Not fussed at all until someone elses kid was invited....

TheMysteriousJackelope · 11/07/2017 02:36

Flower girls at childfree weddings are typically there as props. She'll be shunted out of sight once she's done her duty at the ceremony and it won't be much of a day for her.

I know the inconsistency is galling, but I think your DC are well out of it.

I wish someone would invent adult free weddings. I like the ceremonies but wedding receptions have to be the most boring events in creation.

MrsOverTheRoad · 11/07/2017 02:38

I always think "Child Free" weddings are about the bride stamping her foot and saying "Nobody is going to pull focus! It's all about ME!!"

Which disgusts me a bit.

Or it's because they want a big piss up.

I agree weddings are best with kids involved...slightly raucous, unpredictable and not too formal.

I'd also say something.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/07/2017 02:39

YABU. The niece is not an invited guest, which is what your DDs would be. She is a member of the wedding party.

I agree she'll be a bit bored after while, but perhaps her parents will be taking her home or to a babysitter after the ceremony at some point rather than her being there through the reception/evening do/whatever festivities are planned.

WillRikersExtraNipple · 11/07/2017 02:46

I always think "Child Free" weddings are about the bride stamping her foot and saying "Nobody is going to pull focus! It's all about ME!!"

What a very odd and depressing place your mind must be to think such nasty things.

SilverBirchTree · 11/07/2017 02:47

MrsOverTheRoad - on the other hand I always think these "MY CHILDREN should be invited!" protests are about the mother stamping her foot and saying "Nobody else is important! It's all about MY CHILDREN and what works for ME!!"

It's one day, it is about someone else, your children aren't the centre of everyone's world.

Attend in good spirits or decline and stay home.

Want2bSupermum · 11/07/2017 02:56

I'd be pissed off too OP. I would ask your brother and his bride to talk to your kids to explain the difference because they will see pictures and they will ask questions. Why should you have to deal with their lack of manners.

My SIL had my brother tell me that my DC could not attend their ceremony because my son has autism and they thought he would scream. Meanwhile my nephews, the same age of DS and 18 months younger, were invited. I was quite happy to be 38 weeks pregnant and send £300. I did however ask my brother to explain exactly what and why my kids were not invited when their cousins were. He squirmed and my SIL said it was about money then my brother and SIL said it was because my DC are naughty. I said nothing else and cut their gift back from £500. No one puts my DC on the 'naughty' list. That is my job.

Pengggwn · 11/07/2017 03:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Want2bSupermum · 11/07/2017 03:20

peng the point is that it put them on the spot. My brother and SIL don't have kids and just didn't think it through. They assumed everyone in my family would be ok with autistic DS being painted as the loud child. I called them on it by asking them to explain their decision to them. They fell apart with lots of ummms and ahhhhhs along with sideways glances because they knew they were in the wrong.

The OPs brother has basically allowed one niece to have preferential treatment to the other nieces and nephews of the couple. Fair enough if there was a big age gap but there isn't.

WillRikersExtraNipple · 11/07/2017 03:24

The OPs brother has basically allowed one niece to have preferential treatment to the other nieces and nephews of the couple

I think you've missed the point. The bride is having her own niece in her wedding party. That doesn't mean that the grooms nieces/nephews need to be invited as guests if they don't want children as guests.

SilverBirchTree · 11/07/2017 03:29

I think you've missed the point. The bride is having her own niece in her wedding party. That doesn't mean that the grooms nieces/nephews need to be invited as guests if they don't want children as guests.

This. 100%

Want2bSupermum - If you were worried about your children's hurt feelings, then why did you exacerbate them by putting them through such an awkward encounter? If your first priority was the children, then you would have just said 'oh well, weddings are expensive, not everyone gets to go. We'll have lots of fun that day and see uncle later. Now, which lego should we play with?'

I'm sure your son could care less.

Want2bSupermum · 11/07/2017 03:34

No I don't think I have missed the point. Why would the brides niece be invited and given a role in the wedding over the grooms nieces and nephews, especially when they are the same age?

I was raised to consider that extremely rude. Fine to have one as flower girl if you really must but then you invite all nieces and nephews of both bridge and groom. The bride isn't superior to the groom.

Want2bSupermum · 11/07/2017 03:38

silver I was more shocked by my brothers lack of spine and manners. As it stands my brother could afford to invite them. They decided not to.

Of course I never said anything infront of my DC. As far as they are aware we couldn't go because I was extremely pregnant and not able to fly. I did however make my feeling very clear and yes I made them uncomfortable, just as I had been made to feel uncomfortable by their behaviour.

DistanceCall · 11/07/2017 03:49

I would be pissed off too, OP. If it's a child-free wedding, it's a child-free wedding. If the bride's niece is invited and your brother's nieces are not, it's unfair.

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