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AIBU?

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Original poster

Child free wedding that isn't child free

248 replies

user15262093 · 11/07/2017 00:55

Hi don't know if i am being unreasonable and need a bit of perspective.
My DB is getting married next year. We were told from the beginning that the wedding is going to be child free. I had no problem with this, in fact sometimes its nice to have an excuse to have a rare day off from the kids. This was around 8 months ago. Since then I have spent £500 on a hen do, paid for their wedding car, brought extra bits and pieces in for the wedding for them to discover that DB soon to be wife, is inviting her niece and she is a flower girl, but my two dd's are not invited! They are all of a similar age. I wouldn't expect my two to be flowers girls if she hadn't of wanted it but to not even be invited! I feel so angry and feel like not going but don't want to be seen as being petty. How do i approach the situation? I think if i bring it up its going to explode into a big row thanks

OP posts:
SilverBirchTree · 11/07/2017 05:20

Want2Be- the bride chooses her bridal attendants, obviously picking people that she is personally closest to. That's why you see the bride's best female friends and sisters as bridesmaids, not the groom's. Of course she would choose her own niece who she would have loved since she was born. There is also the practicality factor of it being easier to organise and supervise the child if she does wedding prep with her family?

londonrach · 11/07/2017 05:28

Yabu. Wedding is child free. The childs that attending is part of the wedding party. Just go and enjoy a wedding child free or give your apologies. Its the bride abd groom day they choose who attends. I personally get the whols children are family so need to come to wedding arguement as i have dd. Sometimes its lovely to enjoy something without children. Having children at a wedding changes it. Bride and groom choice not guest choice.

Saiman · 11/07/2017 05:28

Its obvious whyvthe brides niece is attending. The bridal party is her choice. The girl is attending as part of the bridal party.

The groom doesnt pick the bridal party

londonrach · 11/07/2017 05:28

I personally dont get ipad!!!

Itwillbefine · 11/07/2017 05:42

My brother had a child free wedding, except for the children of the bride and grooms siblings, which was handy since DS2 was 3 days old.

Weddings bring out the worst in people. Maybe try and discuss it with your brother?

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/07/2017 05:49

I totally understand and get what saimon said. "The bridal party is her choice. The girl is attending as part of the bridal party. The groom doesn't pick the bridal party."

However, in your position, I'd be mightily pissed off. But I would have been pissed off at the initial child free invite. So I have a different POV from you. For the sake of family relations, sil2 could have included all nieces in the bridal party and the fact she hasn't is very rude imo.

I take it they're not parents yet. I'd want to send a text explaining to your brother that when your dds are old enough to understand they were excluded from the wedding, you are concerned they will be very hurt. Much as you understand this is their choice, you want him to be aware of the implication of their choices. You will of course explain that they were not there because they weren't part of the bridal party and fear that the conclusion they will draw is that aunty and uncle fancy pants doesn't love them as much as her blood related niece. After all lot of girls dream of being flower girls/bridesmaids and this would have been the ideal opportunity.

I don't think I'd send it though. Sil2b sounds like a navel gazing bitch tbh. Who does that to children to whom she will be related?

And yes, the flower girl is a prop.

Bitlost · 11/07/2017 05:50

I think it's very mean and childish from the bride and groom.

I don't get child-free weddings. Especially if they're not completely child-free and a chosen few get to attend.

To be honest, I hate weddings. I find the whole concept of wearing a princess dress, being given away by your father, having "your day", showing off your wealth etc... just wrong.

if I were you, this would give me an excuse to stay home and enjoy my child.

Saiman · 11/07/2017 05:52

For the sake of family relations, sil2 could have included all nieces in the bridal party and the fact she hasn't is very rude imo.

Thats ridiculous and how peoplr end up with huge, expensive bridal parties that they dont want or cant afford.

There is absolutely no obligation to have the grooms family involved in the bridal party.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 11/07/2017 05:58

At the end of the day, it is solely the choice of the bride and groom whom they invite to their wedding.
In this case the bride wants her beloved niece as part of her bridal party (who knows, brides sister/mother/family could be a bit of a bitch and has pressured her to have niece involved) and has chosen not to have your Dc's as part of the bridal party or groomsmen. You don't have to like their choice, but absolutely you should respect it and not send messages asking for invites for your Dc's or an explanation/apology about who elses kid was invited in whatever role, as quite frankly, you're not owed one.

Some people just don't enjoy the company/atmosphere of children, especially at formal events. Or, they only like/tolerate specific children. There is no law you have to like every single child equally, and it isn't disgusting/wrong/unfair/mean to not like a child.
Just like there are adults you simply don't like and wouldn't choose to spend time with, it is very possible to dislike and not want to spend time around certain children.
I'm NOT suggesting that is why your Dc aren't invited, but for whatever reason, your Dbro and SIL have decided they want a child free wedding, with the exception of niece who is in the bridal party. If you get there however and there are kids from the brides side in general, don't automatically assume they were all invited. Some parents out there think the world revolves around their kids and would bring them to things despite them being expressly not invited. Others might assume kids were invited when they weren't, or had childcare fall through. There is also of course the possibility that numbers needed to be limited and the bride had more say/sorted out the invites and has prioritised her own side of the family.

Headofthehive55 · 11/07/2017 06:06

I suggest you don't go. Go on holiday instead with your family. I'd rather have time with My family than attend a child free wedding. Their choice of course, but you don't need to pander to them.
I just don't go if I'm invited to weddings child free. Doesn't interest me.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/07/2017 06:09

Saimon. Not seeing things from other peoples POV is how upsets and misunderstandings like this happens in the first place. By not acknowledging differing opinions, you've illustrated this perfectly. Op has said she's spent a lot on the wedding. Doesn't sound like a cheap or low key event to me. Nothing ridiculous about what I've said.

Bitlost · 11/07/2017 06:09

Are your parents also paying for the damn thing? Or it is the parents of the bride paying?

Saiman · 11/07/2017 06:20

mummy it doesnr matter if its a cheap do or not. Some people dont want a huge parade of bridesmaids/flower girls. At some point there has to be a cut off point.

When you start organising a wedding based on 'we best do this for family relations', things often get out of hand and end with an unhappy bride and groom trying to make everyone happy. What ever the bride and groom do someone will be unhappy about something.

I know because i was a wedding planner. I have organised thousands of weddings. I used to see it all the time.

The OP wasnt bothered her children werent invited. She isnt bothered they are flower girls. So nothing suggests they should have been flower girls. Whats upset her is the fact that a child is going. But that child is part of the bridal party. So it not the same.

If the op can separate it, it would be better for everyone.

5moreminutes · 11/07/2017 06:25

I would be quite pissed off if other kids were going and mine weren't invited. I suspect this is a human reaction, there is a bit of a feeling yours have been judged not loved / good enough.

Saying no children is fine - saying no children but then having some children but not others is arsehattery.

Telling people you are not inviting their children because you want them to enjoy themselves is patronising arsehattery with knobs on - don't pretend to know better than your friends and family how they enjoy themselves, just admit it's all about what the bride and/ or groom want (which I guess is fine - but don't come out with "its for your own good" type lines, that's is far worse than any choices you could make about who to invite!)

Love51 · 11/07/2017 06:26

You are basically looking for a way to sugar coat it to your kids when they see to photos. 'you said we weren't invited coz it's grown ups only, why is that kid there' 'because she had a job to do'. That's not fair'. 'no, it isn't, but men often just do as they are told when it comes to wedding, and dbro didn't think'.
That's the truth, you just need to think how you want to spin it to your kids. Make dbro out to be a thoughtless git, or attempt to cover for him? Kids will probably realise anyway.

Groupie123 · 11/07/2017 06:33

Your brother is a spineless git. What man in his right mind would agree to a childless wedding but then allow the bride to invite her neices? If I were you I'd get a refund for everything you've spent so far and refuse to go out of spite. It's not just the bride's wedding, it's a family event and he's clearly saying your kids don't count as much as hers.

BoneyBackJefferson · 11/07/2017 06:40

Mummyoflittledragon

I take it they're not parents yet. I'd want to send a text explaining to your brother that when your dds are old enough to understand they were excluded from the wedding, you are concerned they will be very hurt. Much as you understand this is their choice, you want him to be aware of the implication of their choices. You will of course explain that they were not there because they weren't part of the bridal party and fear that the conclusion they will draw is that aunty and uncle fancy pants doesn't love them as much as her blood related niece. After all lot of girls dream of being flower girls/bridesmaids and this would have been the ideal opportunity.

Nothing says wedding quite like emotional blackmail.

MaisyPops · 11/07/2017 06:42

Personally, if you're having a child free wedding (much as I think it's odd. I'd have thought no children other than family would make more sense), then keep it child free.
Don't do what this bride has done which is say "child x is worth inviting get but you lot arent". I think it's mean. Either have all nieces/nephews (assuming you are in contact and not just once a year) or don't have any.
Strikes me as another part of a wedding where the brides side seem to dominate.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/07/2017 06:42

I agree the op should put her feelings to one side. It's the feelings of her children I'm advocating for. Perhaps because you were a wedding planner for so long, you are able to differentiate between a child being there as a prop or doing a job. I otoh was not and therefore cannot and what Love51 has said is the conversation that's going to happen.

NotYoda · 11/07/2017 06:43

I'd feel sorry for the niece's parents who have to have her tagging along all day Grin

I do get where you are coming from OP, but I would not let it get you annoyed. It is their wedding. They want it child-free but they want part of the traditional set-up. They want it how they want it and did not set out to hurt you.

Possibly the poor sods were bowing to pressure from the niece's mother and father and didn't even want a flower girl...

CommonSenseIsNotAllThatCommon · 11/07/2017 06:44

It's one child who is part of the actual wedding. It's got nothing to do with your children or anybody else's.
As for explaining it why don't you just say that she is the flower girl and she helps the bride and just leave it at that.

NotYoda · 11/07/2017 06:44

I agree with you Saiman

Bananamanfan · 11/07/2017 06:46

Yanbu; it's not fair for 1 niece to be invited, but not others. I don't buy the "it's their day" bollocks; weddings are usually at least 2 of "your"days to attend & you end up spending a fortune you don't have to attend.
Tbh, you'll probably have a lot more fun withouts the dcs, but i understand why you are hurt, it's your brother.

TheLegendOfBeans · 11/07/2017 06:47

Don't complain. You're going to come across as a first class PITA if you do.

YABU if you complain

YANBU to think "humph"

Go, have an awesome time, wear fancy clobber, drink lots of fizz. Xx

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/07/2017 06:47

Boneyback. I said I wouldn't send it. That's what I'd feel like sending. You're using my words to say I'd blackmail others when I said nothing of the sort. If you had a child, who is consistently treated like shit by her aunt and uncle and consistently given the message their child is soooo much more important than her, you'd perhaps understand the sentiment.

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