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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child free wedding that isn't child free

248 replies

user15262093 · 11/07/2017 00:55

Hi don't know if i am being unreasonable and need a bit of perspective.
My DB is getting married next year. We were told from the beginning that the wedding is going to be child free. I had no problem with this, in fact sometimes its nice to have an excuse to have a rare day off from the kids. This was around 8 months ago. Since then I have spent £500 on a hen do, paid for their wedding car, brought extra bits and pieces in for the wedding for them to discover that DB soon to be wife, is inviting her niece and she is a flower girl, but my two dd's are not invited! They are all of a similar age. I wouldn't expect my two to be flowers girls if she hadn't of wanted it but to not even be invited! I feel so angry and feel like not going but don't want to be seen as being petty. How do i approach the situation? I think if i bring it up its going to explode into a big row thanks

OP posts:
NotYoda · 11/07/2017 06:50

Mummy

It sounds like in your case, this is something that happens a lot. Really galling! We have no evidence it's the case here though.

NotYoda · 11/07/2017 06:52

And OP, as for what you do. Don't do anything. If your children upset (which they might not be - and you can help them with that by not letting them know you are) then deal with it.

There are enough people on this thread who can see the B&Gs POV that I don't think it's worth causing a row over. Certainly NOT before the wedding

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/07/2017 06:52

You are right Yoda. It's why I'm super aware of these type of situations. I'm going to back off now because I'm really upset about my own stuff. Thanks for acknowledging what I said. Sorry. I didn't mean to derail. Just bit sensitive ATM.

Saiman · 11/07/2017 06:54

It's the feelings of her children I'm advocating for. Perhaps because you were a wedding planner for so long, you are able to differentiate between a child being there as a prop or doing a job

You are not advocating anyobe. Its not about a child bring a prop ( though i am not a fan of flower girls) its about the girl being a chosen part of the BRIDES wedding party. The bride is not obliged to include the grooms family.

Why on earth is it always the womens job to facilitate the mens family?

NotYoda · 11/07/2017 06:54

Mummy

Nah, I totally get it. We all have our triggers.

ShoesHaveSouls · 11/07/2017 06:54

Well, ok it's up to the bride & groom who they invite - but I'd be extremely upset if my children weren't invited to his wedding. They're his nieces and nephews.

I'd be even more upset if I was told it was a child free wedding - but then found our the niece on the other side was going.

YANBU.

ShoesHaveSouls · 11/07/2017 06:55

*found out

ComputerUserNotTrained · 11/07/2017 07:09

I like a childfree wedding. Ours will be pretty much - hardly anyone around us has young children anymore so we're free to choose a venue that isn't remotely geared up for kids. I quite like weddings with children, too. I like weddings Grin

I think it's a bit off to have one niece as an attendant and not the others though - unless there are about thirty of the buggers.

yumyumpoppycat · 11/07/2017 07:09

If there are children beyond the wedding party then more people will start to think why wasn't my dc invited. Yanbu but neither are they. (I have dc and would be miffed if my db did this but I can see where they are coming from.

shinynewusername · 11/07/2017 07:09

I always think "Child Free" weddings are about the bride stamping her foot and saying "Nobody is going to pull focus! It's all about ME!!"

Oh rubbish - it's usually about space. We had a mainly CF wedding because, if everyone had brought their DC, it would have meant having 40 less of our adult friends. Also, 30 of the DC would have been under 3. I don't think many adult-focused events are enhanced by having 30 toddlers present Wink

Georgiegirln1au · 11/07/2017 07:12

These things are always hard. I missed by brother's wedding as I didn't have anyone for my son, and he has never been apart from me. I felt sad that there was no wiggle room about these things. :(

ComputerUserNotTrained · 11/07/2017 07:13

yy. If I'd got married 10 years ago, small children would have made up 50% of the guest list. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

JeffVadersMum · 11/07/2017 07:16

I always think "Child Free" weddings are about the bride stamping her foot and saying "Nobody is going to pull focus! It's all about ME!!"

So it's fuck all to do with the groom? Hmm

Your children are not invited- why do you think your wants override the people actually paying and having the day?? So what if she has chosen a flower girl, it's not up to you to demand your children go.

Your dc will probably be bored shitless, it's bad enough going to weddings as adults let alone as children.

MaisyPops · 11/07/2017 07:18

The bride is not obliged to include the grooms family.
Why on earth is it always the womens job to facilitate the mens family?

Not about facilitating thr man's family. It's about being nice.

I didn't HAVE to have DH's sister in my bridal party, but I did because I like her and it's her brother's wedding and weddings are about OUR families coming together. Just like if I had a brother then DH would have put him as one of the groomsmen because he would be my brother. To us, it seems wrong that a brides brother/grooms sister wouldn't end up in a wedding party just because the bride/groom stamps their feet and says "but it's MY side". The wedding is about OUR family.

So in the case of the OP, I'd have said that either invite all neices/nephews you are in contact with or none. They don't all have to be in the wedding party. (Although 'no children except one that I really like and I'll not have any kids to keep them company' sort of sounds like 'this will make cute photos, child as a prop' thing. But that's by the by).

Saysomething88 · 11/07/2017 07:18

I don't understand why people keep saying 'so and so had a child free wedding except family'
We invited our kids, our siblings kids and our cousins kids. Only family- we had 15 children. We had to have a limit somewhere, but it was most certainly not, a child free wedding

Headofthehive55 · 11/07/2017 07:19

Find something more xciting to do in the day - and let them know it.

HipsterHunter · 11/07/2017 07:19

Oh FFS. The bride isn't having her niece as a flower girl, and probably her sister and best friends as bridesmaids.

Why would you expect that your children and you can get involved with that? Or just your children and expect the bride to look after them??

Go, have fun, and if your children ask why th girl is there say she is a flower girl and usually brides choose their own family/friends to be in their bridal party.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 11/07/2017 07:19

I hate chid free weddings, they are very much about the bride wanting all the attention.

However if her niece is invited your chidren should have been and your brother should have made sure his family were treated equally.

HipsterHunter · 11/07/2017 07:20

I didn't HAVE to have DH's sister in my bridal party, but I did because I like her and it's her brother's wedding and weddings are about OUR families coming together

And if you didn't like her? Would you still have done it 'to be nice'??

HipsterHunter · 11/07/2017 07:21

I hate chid free weddings, they are very much about the bride wanting all the attention

Fucking LOL!

Who would have thought it, the bride and groom wanting all the attention! On their wedding day! The entitled little shits eh???

MaisyPops · 11/07/2017 07:23

Why would you expect that your children and you can get involved with that? Or just your children and expect the bride to look after them??
The OP isn't expecting her children to be in the bridal party.
She hasn't said her kids have to come to a child free wedding.
She is (in my opinion) quite right to feel that 'child free wedding' should be child free.
She has said it's a bit of a kick that it's a 'child free' wedding except for the bride's niece and yet her children (brothers niece's and nephews) aren't invited. I think that's a shitty thing to do when you start cherry picking kids who are the same place in the family and excluding others.

Headofthehive55 · 11/07/2017 07:25

My cousin didn't invite our children. Thing is, we are having a do next year, and they will be expecting an invite. But they won't get one!
You invite who you want.

FatLittleWombat · 11/07/2017 07:30

Weddings are about what exactly - oh yeah - family ! Whats a family event without children?

Totally agree with this. I've only heard of one child free wedding so far and only one of the four invited couples with children came. I certainly wouldn't accept an invitation to a child free wedding.
Weddings are about families, you never invite just one person. You can hardly say "no people over the age of 60" can you? So why is it acceptable to exclude people under a certain age?

KERALA1 · 11/07/2017 07:31

Yanbu. At all. I think of myself as quite relaxed about stuff like this and I would be hurt.

No kids - fine.
No kids except family kids - fine.
No kids from grooms side but allowed from brides side - not fine!

Bil had child free wedding. Sil then insisted that some dc of her parents friends must be allowed to come. So bil insisted our two came as well. If I had got there and seen these non family kids when our well behaved two (only dc in family anyway) were banned I would have been taken aback.

Littledrummergirl · 11/07/2017 07:31

I'd be hurt that my db was excluding members of his immediate family from an important part of his life.
I would have had this conversation sooner as my default expectation would have been that my whole family be invited.

I wouldn't and haven't felt like this with non immediate family and friends.