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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child free wedding that isn't child free

248 replies

user15262093 · 11/07/2017 00:55

Hi don't know if i am being unreasonable and need a bit of perspective.
My DB is getting married next year. We were told from the beginning that the wedding is going to be child free. I had no problem with this, in fact sometimes its nice to have an excuse to have a rare day off from the kids. This was around 8 months ago. Since then I have spent £500 on a hen do, paid for their wedding car, brought extra bits and pieces in for the wedding for them to discover that DB soon to be wife, is inviting her niece and she is a flower girl, but my two dd's are not invited! They are all of a similar age. I wouldn't expect my two to be flowers girls if she hadn't of wanted it but to not even be invited! I feel so angry and feel like not going but don't want to be seen as being petty. How do i approach the situation? I think if i bring it up its going to explode into a big row thanks

OP posts:

MissEliza · 11/07/2017 07:34

I can't imagine my db getting married and excluding his dns. It's unthinkable. I totally agree with child free weddings but I think immediate family should be included.

Mammylamb · 11/07/2017 07:37

Bitlost you mentioned a wedding is used to show off your wealth. In many cases it just shows off the extent of the happy couples credit card bill; some folk have the wedding entirely on credit

DorothyHarris · 11/07/2017 07:37

YANBU at all OP. I would be furious if this happened at my DBs wedding. Why is the bride's side exempt from the child free wedding rule but yours isn't. I wonder if this will just set the tone for your side in future-as less important than hers. At the and of it you can all say her day her rules but it's his day as well. He needs to explain exactly why her side can go but his can't.

bonbonours · 11/07/2017 07:39

All the people saying op is unreasonable are giving a stock response of "it's their wedding" and acting like the op is just a guest. It's her brother's wedding! Therefore her kids are in exactly the same position within the family as the bride's niece. Personally I'd be put out they weren't flower girls. This is all symptomatic of the attitude that the wedding is all about the bride so her family is more important. It should be a joining together of two families with equal importance given to each. Op yanbu.

Writerwannabe83 · 11/07/2017 07:42

My experience of not being allowed entrance to a child free wedding was when DS was a few days over 6 months old and their rule was no infants over 6 months of age. I was EBF my baby so I couldn't come if he wasn't allowed in.

The Groom was a very good friend of my DH's, they'd been friends for almost 20 years and when discussing the child free theme he told DH that he had no problem with me coming and bringing DS as he understood we couldn't leave him with anyone and he'd only be a few days over 6 months anyway. He said he'd let the bride know and everything would be sorted.

He came back to us a few days later and said he'd spoken to the bride about us coming and she'd "put her foot down" that regardless of how long the Groom and my DH had been friends, we were not allowed to come if it meant our baby had to come. The Groom had apologised to DH and said he'd done his best but it was clear that when it came to the guest list what the bride wanted was what she got.

I admit I was quite hurt when the photos were published and saw there were lots of babies and infants there whereas my DS who couldn't be left and was only just over 6 months old hadn't been allowed in. It was quite clear there were infants there over 6 months old too but surprise, surprise they belonged to either the bride's friends or her family

I was more upset for my DH because he and the Groom were such good friends and the fact we'd been disallowed to go to the wedding did upset him especially because the Groom had left the Brifr dictate to him that we weren't welcome.

I was just pissed off beceuse when they'd come to our wedding we'd had a prize giving game and I had rigged it so she'd win the main gift as she'd been having a really hard time at work and her dad was ill so I had wanted to do something nice for her

MaisyPops · 11/07/2017 07:49

Writerwannabe83
In my experience stroppy brides usually get their own way. It's almost like everyone appeased them because it's "their day" and decide it's just not worth the hassle of telling the silly little princess to behave with common courtesy.

I've not come across stroppy grooms making sure their family gets all thee exemptions.

ShelaghTurner · 11/07/2017 07:50

If you were just a random guest then I'd say tough, it is what it is. But given the relationship it is unfair. It's mean to say the bride's niece can go but not the groom's, regardless of her role.

TrojanWhore · 11/07/2017 07:57

OP was fine about the wedding, until she thought her DC were entitled to be the bride's attendants. That's not reasonable.

The bride chooses her attendants - whatever age they are. You really can't insist that your DC join the bride's other attendants just so they can attend a wedding to which all other children are not invited (and which the parents were happy to go to without them)

LadyPenelope68 · 11/07/2017 08:00

It's still a child free wedding as far as guests go though. Her niece is part of the bridal party so isn't just a regular guest. Sounds a case of sour grapes on your part.

dollydaydream114 · 11/07/2017 08:00

I always think "Child Free" weddings are about the bride stamping her foot and saying "Nobody is going to pull focus! It's all about ME!!"

Christ, what a weird and bitter perspective. It must be horrible to think like that about people.

Most people who don't invite kids to weddings do so purely because they have a limited budget and would have to strike one dearly loved adult friend/family member off the guest list for every child that comes along. It's that simple.

Ifailed · 11/07/2017 08:02

It should be a joining together of two families with equal importance given to each

Blimey, this sounds like something from the 19th Century! A wedding is about two people joining together in a marriage. Whatever celebrations they choose to have and how they are organised is purely up to them, if you don't like it don't go. It's not like there won't be another one soon, 250,000 take place every year in the UK.

toolonglurking · 11/07/2017 08:04

I've no problem with a kids free wedding, but the bride and groom are not allowed to be at all upset if someone can't make it because they have to look after their children.
I have always found it a little tacky that so many weddings use children in the ceremony for ascetics and then scuttle the children away before the party. Have them, or don't, but don't use them because they look pretty and then ditch them because you don't need them anymore.

QuietNinjaTardis · 11/07/2017 08:14

I don't mind my kids not being invited. The thing I get a bit about is 2 of my cousins telling me they had "child free" weddings because of cost and so my kids wouldn't be invited and then turning up and there being loads of kids that weren't family. That seems backwards to me but y'know I got on and enjoyed time off from the kids.

GraceGrape · 11/07/2017 08:18

No kids - fine.
No kids except family kids - fine.
No kids from grooms side but are allowed from brides side - not fine!

This.

soupmaker · 11/07/2017 08:19

I just can't get worked up about child free weddings. It's the bride and grooms day and after all no-one has the right to be invited to any wedding.

Ours have been to some but not others. No big deal. If we couldn't get them looked after we didn't go. And sorting childcare was never easy as we don't have family close by for the one's we did get to.

Personally I love a wedding with loads of kids - that's what we had - but I've also enjoyed a day and night away with just DH too.

Enidblyton1 · 11/07/2017 08:19

It depends on the exact ages of the children involved. My DD6 was recently a bridesmaid at my cousin's wedding. But her 3 year old sister and 3 year old cousin were not invited to attend. I think this is perfectly reasonable because although they are 'about the same age' and would have had fun together, it was a whole lot easier having just one 6 year old. However, my cousin did ask another (5 year old) to be bridesmaid too so my DD had another chcold to play with.

I think your DB and his bride may regret not asking your children when their one little flower girl gets bored. But it does depend on their ages.

In your situation (assuming I was close to my brother) I would mention it nicely to him. He may have not thought about the situation at all. It IS odd to invite one niece and not the other two.

InfiniteSheldon · 11/07/2017 08:23

My dd has just had a childfree wedding (other than one breast feed baby who popped in and out with her grandma). It was difficult as there are some beloved children in the extended family and friends circle not many yet but a few. The groom was actually the driving force in the childfree edict he has a toddler nephew who his parents adore and would probably have spent all day with. He also has young cousins who would have required a table/food/entertainment roughly adding £'s to the day and meaning some adults would be bumped. The dynamic of the whole wedding would have changed and they weren't allowed children at their preferred venue so that would have had to change. Bride and groom had a big family meeting and talked the whole thing thru discussed why they preferred child free and made sure everyone who needed it had child care. Yes some of it was wanting their 'day' to be about them not about a grandchild (can't see why that's wrong ), some of it was about wanting an adult day, alcohol music dancing and no children which was bloody fantastic for those of us who love our dc/dgc but also love time without them.

In this case I think tho yanbu. If the bride's niece is included it's mean to exclude the groom's. Little girls get few chances to be part of weddings and it's mean to favour one side of the family over the other.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 11/07/2017 08:28

When my brother got married it was supposed to be child free except for his wife's daughter of about 9 at the time, who was bridesmaid. Fair enough... except it wasn't the case. Turned up and there were loads of her friends there 'to keep her company' (who were also daughters of bride's friends). Didn't say anything at the time, but was annoyed to say the least and would probably have said something if I'd known in advance. Since you do know in advance, what's to stop you having a quiet word with your brother saying how come your bride's niece is invited when your nieces/nephews aren't?

maddogs33 · 11/07/2017 08:32

When it comes to weddings and guest lists you have to draw the line somewhere. Like another OP said, invite kids and your wedding can almost double in size.

The bride and groom have decided no kids, that is there decision, respect it and go or respect it and dont. Their party, their choice.

Using a niece as a flower girl in my opinion is not related to being a child free wedding. I imagine her mum will also be a bridesmaid and keeping an eye on things, the bride may also be close to her niece who is begging her to be a bridesmaid so she has made an exception.

Planning a wedding is a bloody minefield you try and navigate it best you can but you absolutely will not please everyone. Guess you are one of the unlucky ones this time.

User843022 · 11/07/2017 08:37

Fine to chose a child free wedding, very insensitive to then have a child in the wedding party, it's bound to upset people. The groom's nieces should of course have been invited if the bride's nieces had such a prominent part in the day.

Unfortunately brides often all sense of what's a good idea because its their big day.

ReginaGeorgeinSheepsClothing · 11/07/2017 08:38

People always say as soon as a venue/vendor hear it's a wedding the price bumps up, the same seems to occur for guest lists and expectancy that others than the b&g should get to have a say in guest list!

treaclesoda · 11/07/2017 08:40

I always think "Child Free" weddings are about the bride stamping her foot and saying "Nobody is going to pull focus! It's all about ME!!"

I think that's a horrible thing to say. I didn't exactly have a child free wedding, as my nieces attended, but the whole point was that it was a really small wedding. I had about thirty guests (and would have had even less if I could, but it would have left us very unbalanced in terms of 'my' guests and 'his' guests). If I had invited everyone and their children, suddenly I would have had a big wedding, and I simply didn't want a big wedding. Having a small wedding is about as far from being 'look at me' as it's possible to be. .

OP, I actually understand how you feel, it's the lack of consistency that hurts. But, I'm not really sure that there is any way of tackling it without straining the relationship further (because it is going to be strained now anyway, because your feelings have been hurt), because ultimately it is their wedding and they get to choose who is invited.

ShatnersWig · 11/07/2017 08:44

Writer What?? You fixed that game at your wedding? But I was there! How DARE you!

user4627462187468 · 11/07/2017 08:45

Hi just seen all your replies. I was told it was a child free wedding, I had no problem with that. The problem I have is that it isn't a child free wedding if the niece on the other side is being invited. I don't expect my 2dd to be part of the bridal party, not at all but i would expect them to be invited if my dsisinlaw is going to be having her niece in attendance. I found out from one of dsisinlaw friends that her niece would be coming and to be honest it stung and i felt like my children aren't good enough? If it was just a friend i wouldn't have a problem with them not being invited. I understand weddings are expensive you have to limit numbers, on our side of the family there are 4 nieces and nephews in total, thats it! Not 100's that would blow the budget or anything like that. As a previous poster said, no children fine, only family children fine but to have one niece and not the others isn't very nice at all.

Member984815 · 11/07/2017 08:47

Yabu . It's their day the flower girl could be just for the ceremony and picked up after the meal. I kind of see how you feel this has happened to me before where a cousin had invited just adults on her df side but her cousins on her dm side all had their kids with them . It didn't bother me but my other cousin was v pissed off about it.

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