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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child free wedding that isn't child free

248 replies

user15262093 · 11/07/2017 00:55

Hi don't know if i am being unreasonable and need a bit of perspective.
My DB is getting married next year. We were told from the beginning that the wedding is going to be child free. I had no problem with this, in fact sometimes its nice to have an excuse to have a rare day off from the kids. This was around 8 months ago. Since then I have spent £500 on a hen do, paid for their wedding car, brought extra bits and pieces in for the wedding for them to discover that DB soon to be wife, is inviting her niece and she is a flower girl, but my two dd's are not invited! They are all of a similar age. I wouldn't expect my two to be flowers girls if she hadn't of wanted it but to not even be invited! I feel so angry and feel like not going but don't want to be seen as being petty. How do i approach the situation? I think if i bring it up its going to explode into a big row thanks

OP posts:
user4627462187468 · 11/07/2017 08:52

She isn't getting picked up after the meal, she is part of the whole day and will be there for the whole day. Its a mid week wedding so a nightmare getting the kids minded anyway, something which dbro is aware off but i didn't say anything. It is their day, but what ever happened to just being nice?

User843022 · 11/07/2017 08:52

' As a previous poster said, no children fine, only family children fine but to have one niece and not the others isn't very nice at all.'

Exactly, sadly going by all the 'their day their rulez' replies it demonstrates perfectly why these shit things go on.

PymelaAnderson · 11/07/2017 08:53

It's up to the bride and groom, but it's a bit of a PR nightmare. Some little girls really want to be flower girls. In my experience, the majority will only get to do that if they happen to be say aged 2-9 when an auntie, uncle or possibly god-parent gets married. For me personally there was only one wedding where I was in that age bracket despite having a few aunties and uncles, it was my mum's brother's wedding, and I was a flower girl. I imagine my mum would have been a bit disappointed if I hadn't have been asked, as would my grandparents. Fine if there are no children in the wedding party, but if there are page boys or flower girls on the bride's side then to not include the groom's nieces is starting married life with a few raised eyebrows from the groom's family as they've clearly favoured one side of the family and disregarded the feelings of the groom's family. Would it really have hurt them to do something so small that would have meant so much to the two other girls and made for more harmonious relations?

RaeSkywalker · 11/07/2017 08:53

Honestly, I'd be hurt by this too.

Nakedavenger74 · 11/07/2017 08:57

This is the reason I have never been married despite being with partner for 20 years and wanting to get married. If I invited all the children from family and friends it's another 30 to 40 heads. Forget it. Plus I can't be doing with the fallout that would create for us and my parents who would get the blame.

Most of the family kids I never see as they live 400 miles away and barely know them. As for friends kids I enjoy the company of them and their partners not neccessarily their offspring.
I don't understand why people can't accept or reject an invite with grace rather than whining about whether their whole bloody family has been invited. Kids at weddings are a massive noisy distraction from enjoyment of good adult company frankly. Most parents seem to spend their time at weddings with kids chasing, admonishing, shushing rather than enjoying themselves. Christ the half finished conversations and waving bye to a good friend at 6pm because it's some urchin's bedtime at recent weddings is depressing.
Leave them at home and have fun. The flower girl is there as a church and photo prop not some spiteful addition to get you annoyed.

Justhadmyhaircut · 11/07/2017 08:57

Hardly doing much for future family get togethers if she can't even bring herself to share the day with her other nieces. .
Db should grow a pair though. .

bonbonours · 11/07/2017 08:57

In reply to ifailed there may well be other weddings but presumably the ops brother will not be getting married again any time soon. My girls are 9and 11and would dearly love to go to a wedding but haven't been invited to one since they were toddlers so don't make out they are a thing that happens all the time.

KERALA1 · 11/07/2017 09:03

Turning this into a kids or no kids at weddings divide is a red herring. It's not that - it's the blatant different treatment of two equivalent groups.

Of course they can invite who they want. But what they have done is shabby and I would feel the same as the op.

User843022 · 11/07/2017 09:03

'Hardly doing much for future family get togethers if she can't even bring herself to share the day with her other nieces. . Db should grow a pair though. '
Yes it does seem odd that he wouldn't have just said 'actually if your niece is coming mine should too'.
Weddings are weird things. People often behave badly all because it's their 'big day'.

MeltorPeltor · 11/07/2017 09:04

Not your wedding, not your day to plan I'm afraid.

user4627462187468 · 11/07/2017 09:05

My two dd would have absolutely loved to be flower girls, but i wasn't hurt as i was aware it was a child free wedding. It would have been absolutely lovely of them to be asked, but it didn't happen and that was ok because it didn't feel personal. Its only now i have realised, plus iv paid £500 to go on a hen do!! Which I don't want to go to now!

user4627462187468 · 11/07/2017 09:06

The fact it was a child free wedding isn't the issue, its the fact my children have been treated differently to her niece, when they are in fact, exactly the same relation.

laurelstar · 11/07/2017 09:07

YANBU. If the bride's neice is invited, so should the groom's nieces and nephews.

laurelstar · 11/07/2017 09:08

Sorry I mean niece! Spelling.

User843022 · 11/07/2017 09:08

'not your day to plan I'm afraid.'
Yes because that's what the op wanted to do isn't it Confused

Wreckingball25 · 11/07/2017 09:18

I'm having a wedding with bridal party kids only... niece, nephews (on both sides) and my two best friends' kids (both of them are my adult bridesmaids). It does seem mean to not let the kids come as guests in your case.
For the PPs that said it was about focus on the bride; I'd have loved all my mates' kids to have come, but it's a sit-down meal and for every child that attends, we'd have to lose adult guests.

BertramTheWalrus · 11/07/2017 09:34

Leave them at home and have fun.

This is a typically British attitude to children. Reading things like this is depressing, not parents leaving at 6pm to put their kids to bed.

I live abroad and weddings are considered family events, not a party purely for adults. Children are part of society, they should not be excluded from events that are suitable for them. Just because you find children annoying doesn't mean they are not allowed to any kind of event you organise. You can't not invite someone's partner, even if you find them a pita, so why do it with children?

The cost is an excuse in most cases, otherwise why would you exclude babies over 6 months old as a pp said? A 12 month old doesn't add to the cost of a wedding.

The replies on this thread show how child unfriendly the UK is in general!

Coloursthatweremyjoy · 11/07/2017 09:34

Well I'd be upset. If it were my brother I'd say so, but do you have the kind of relationship with yours where you could raise It? Personally I wouldn't ask him for anything, I'd just say that I was hurt to find out that the brides niece was in the wedding party but his own neices couldn't even attend.

I find all this "it's their day" stuff a bit galling really as I don't think hosting a wedding gives you an instant right to hurt, insult or annoy other people. They've been thoughtless.

indigox · 11/07/2017 09:43

I didn't have kids at this point but there were kids at my wedding, all I can remember is them running riot, running from the function room and down the hallways creating a noise where other wedding receptions were taking place in the 5 star hotel, their parents couldn't care less and I was the one getting stressed over it so I can see why plenty of people dont want kids at their wedding.

indigox · 11/07/2017 09:44

This is a typically British attitude to children. Reading things like this is depressing, not parents leaving at 6pm to put their kids to bed.

Parents having one evening without their children is depressing?

Nakedavenger74 · 11/07/2017 09:56

What nonsense Bertram. Of course it's up to me who I invite to my events! A picnic in the park and people can bring all the kids they want. A dinner party at our house or drinks in the city and sorry no they aren't coming. And cost is an excuse you are right. I do not want to have to not invite a good friend who has supported me though thick and thin over 20 years so someone's 7 year old can waste food and make a noise. I don't have a bottomless pit of money.
Hence why no marriage; I know people like you who think kids are the centre of the world are all too frequent and I can't be arsed with the trouble it would cause.

EthelsDisco · 11/07/2017 10:00

I think people are getting confused between the pros and cons of child free weddings. That's not what the op is on about. She is rightly saying if the brides nieces are going, whether in the party or not, then the grooms should be invited too.

Groupie123 · 11/07/2017 10:01

Going forwards don't invite them to the family events you plan OP. Or invite you brother but exclude his wife. This was a deliberate slight and you definitely shouldn't take it lying down.

halcyondays · 11/07/2017 10:02

Of course yanbu, you don't invite the bride's niece but not the groom's, that's just rude.

Groupie123 · 11/07/2017 10:02

@indigox this isn't about going for piss up. It's OP's brother's wedding. He's a dick for excluding his own sister's kids but allowing his wife's siblings kids.

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