Child free wedding that isn't child free

[user15262093]

Hi don't know if i am being unreasonable and need a bit of perspective.
My DB is getting married next year. We were told from the beginning that the wedding is going to be child free. I had no problem with this, in fact sometimes its nice to have an excuse to have a rare day off from the kids. This was around 8 months ago. Since then I have spent £500 on a hen do, paid for their wedding car, brought extra bits and pieces in for the wedding for them to discover that DB soon to be wife, is inviting her niece and she is a flower girl, but my two dd's are not invited! They are all of a similar age. I wouldn't expect my two to be flowers girls if she hadn't of wanted it but to not even be invited! I feel so angry and feel like not going but don't want to be seen as being petty. How do i approach the situation? I think if i bring it up its going to explode into a big row thanks

shat I thought it was common manners to just be nice to people who are nice to you???
I am not going to tell them anything yet, the wedding isn't for a while so i will sit on it until they need to know definite numbers for food etc but i really don't feel like going.

I think YABU - the niece is a flower girl and part of the bridal party and not just an invited child. Had the niece been invited along as just a guest that would have been unreasonable.
Think very hard before raising this with your brother, I know you are hurt but be the bigger person.

Just to point out something about a woman's nieces/nephews over a mans. Could it be that the woman is more proactive in seeing her sibling and their children than a man is? It's not the womans job to facilitate the man seeing his sibling and their children and IME, men rarely bother (that's not to say they never do but my family and friends, it's ALWAYS the woman who does the family stuff)

You could have a point @MyPatronusIsAUnicorn.

And I do think men often don't try as hard as women to do stuff and maintain relationships. It's like an argument from the other week where it was daughters vs sons; the consensus from many was that daughters are more likely to keep in touch more, and make more effort with parents and family, whereas sons are a bit more blah...

However, my friend DOES try maintain a relationship with her brother, but HE doesn't make the effort really, and often puts her off when she tries to arrange stuff, by saying he and the SIL don't have time, and whatever...

So yeah what you say is probably largely true, but at the same time, it's my friend's brother that is at fault, (and the SIL to some extent!) and not my friend. And it's terribly unfair on her daughter (his niece,) as she is often excluded from stuff.

It's something similar that is happening to the OP sadly.

If it was me, I would speak to her brother. But I think that ship has sailed.

I completely see why you would be upset, I'd be very hurt if my DB did this to me, but I think you should take a step back. Your DB and future SIL are probably very stressed right now and if you bring it up it may well explode beyond all proportion. If you say something now you risk damaging your future relationship with them and your DD's relationship with their uncle and new auntie (even if that relationship isn't great now who knows what the future will bring). And after all, it is just one day!

Oh stop being such a bloody drama queen, are you for real? You're not going to go now because you think you're children are entitled to attend a wedding? Go and give your head a wobble. Bingo!

User

Give yourself some time and space before making a decision. Deciding not to go to the wedding is huge. Put yourself in your brothers shows and imagine how you would feel if he told you he wasn't going to your wedding. That's hard to come back from even if his actions have hurt you.

A little story and not for comparison purposes but wedding related; my best friend told me a couple of days before my wedding she wasn't coming, she had split from dh and couldn't face it. We are no longer close friends and now just Facebook friends. I was so emotionally invested in the wedding I just couldn't empathise. I thought if she loved me she would come and put everything aside. I was young with too little life experience to show her the empathy she needed and realise my wedding was just one day. I have apologised since but years went by and it was too late.

I would try and look like this; bride can chose her bridesmaids and you would think nothing of not being included but as she included a niece it feels hurtful. They may not have intended to cause hurt - probably have no idea how upset you are. You can't change how they acted but you can chose how you respond. The right thing to do is to go and dance your socks off. You will get over this but I don't know if you and your brother will ever get over you not attending his wedding

Yes, but they can choose HOW to be nice back. You don't give something with strings attached. I'm going to do all this for you and spend all this money but in return you SHOULD do this.... Which isn't what you said to them, but is how it really FEELS to you.

Honest question - let's say this other child wasn't invited and there really were no children going. Would you really still be totally happy that they weren't invited?

They're not a disease. They're just you a while ago.

True but ....me a while ago was nowhere near as nice as me today. I got better with age

It's there day I'm afraid, they can do what they like. They have the complete upper hand. [...] Weddings are so emotionally charged that any argument pertaining to it will take on a life and energy of its own and won't be forgotten

This is so true, and is why weddings are a nightmare - partly because just turning down the invitation is also unacceptable to many people, and takes on a life and energy of its own and won't be forgotten.

"It's an invitation not a summons" is only theoretically true when it comes to weddings - there is fall out if you don't go (not always from the couple themselves, sometimes from wider family or friendship circle in the case of very close old friends) even when going means considerable expenditure and inconvenience and when the invite has caused its own problems in terms of who is or isn't included.

@booitsme GREAT post.

Big decision to not go OP. Are you sure you wouldn't prefer to have a word with your brother about how hurt you feel? Not be nasty, just a quiet word.

Wha is it about wedding that bring out the nastiness in people. We hear so much about bridezillas but when guests stamp their feet about things that's ok.

Children don't make a wedding and they certainly don't make a family. There are plenty of families out there with no children in them. What a ridiculous statement.

And for those people who think it's perfectly acceptable to ask to bring extras to a wedding. Where are your manners?

Children don't make a wedding and they certainly don't make a family. There are plenty of families out there with no children in them. What a ridiculous statement.

Thank you . The amount of times I hear: 'Oh, well it's OK for you as you don't have any family'. Well, I do. I have a mum, a dad, a sister and a niece to start with. What I don't have is any children.

S x

It's the norm here in Ireland that weddings are child-free. However children belonging to the family are treated differently. Nieces and Nephews attend usually, and are usually sent off with babysitters after the meal. Nobody as a guest outside of the immediate family of the bride and groom would expect that their child be invited unless specifically named on the invitation.

It would cause wars here in Ireland if Brides niblings attended and Grooms were excluded.

We had that almost identical. Alas, it is their wedding their rules. Rise about it, it is all you can do, you will never win. That is not to sound flippant or dismiss, as it is very upsetting - but some issues you just can't win.

its a no win situation really, I'm not going to say anything for now but think on it for the time being. i think i will have a gentle word with my brother and see what he says about it all rather than saying I'm not going which will appear and is a bit childish really, i just feel hurt at the moment.

Good luck OP I hope it all works out. Please post an update

OP, rather than not going, which is obviously going to cause upset, I would text your brother something like this:

"Hey brother blah blah, few niceties... I know this is a bit awkward but somebody told me that bride's niece is going to be a flower girl at your wedding. I really don't want to stick my oar in because obviously it's up to you two, but at the same time I would kick myself if I didn't ask why Dd1 and Dd2 weren't also exempt from the child free rule, as equally close family, because I know how hectic wedding planning is and how likely it is that it was just an oversight!"

That makes it easy for them to go 'oh whoops, yeh, it is an oversight and they should all be flower girls.' Or, they come back with something about why they aren't invited at which point you can be a bit more direct with something like:

"I feel awful saying this because I don't want to try and change your wedding plans, and you know I didn't query your initial decision to have a childfree wedding because it's up to you and I get it. However, it's no longer child free because bride's niece will be there as a flower girl, and my girls are going to want to see photos of the day. They are bound to question why another girl their age, equally close to the bride and groom got to go and have their hair done and wear a pretty dress etc and they weren't even invited. It's so hard to write that in a way that doesn't seem like guilt-tripping or trying to coerce you into inviting them but surely you can see how it will look to them? I don't want you to invite them if it will feel like you've been coerced and it will cause tension, but I am a little surprised at the decision and I just wonder if you've thought it through."

Oh actually in the first text I would change that to

'I would luck myself if I didn't ask whether dd1 and dd2 are also exempt...'

Kick! Kick myself! Argh.

Wow those are long texts! Its not an oversight though is it.

I wouldn't text anything user especially not now you are upset. I would wait a few days, sleep on it, and if you still feel upset ring your brother direct and speak to him. Talk about how it has made you feel ie not blaming them or being demanding just saying it has made you feel hurt and you felt you needed to say something but you didnt want to fall out/spoil wedding prep/appreciate they can invite who they want.

I have flown off handle before and always, always regretted it.

Ugh. Another one of these. I don't think the op is unreasonable, the bride must know she is opening a can of worms here but is doing it regardless. But like so many people say on these threads, it's THEIR day, it's all about them blah, blah

My personal pet hate is people who have child free weddings then act all hurt and offended that people don't attend.

Thank you pymela and kerala I think eventually i will have to say something but i don't want to cause a row i really don't. So for now I'm going to not say anything until i next see my brother or i will make a point of ringing him. Thanks

letsmargarita So who is the day about if it's not the bride and groom?

Shatner do you think that because it is "about them" nothing else applies? The usual consideration people show each other, especially families? In what other circumstance would it be ok for children to be treated so unequally? They are both nieces of the bride and groom of a similar age, would you invite your parents to your wedding and not your inlaws? No but because their kids they need to just get over it or they're entitled snowflakes.

It is about them shatner but people shouldn't really use that as an excuse to behave badly, the bride will know its a bit crap to exclude some nieces and have the other centre stage in the wedding party.