Child free wedding that isn't child free

[user15262093]

Hi don't know if i am being unreasonable and need a bit of perspective.
My DB is getting married next year. We were told from the beginning that the wedding is going to be child free. I had no problem with this, in fact sometimes its nice to have an excuse to have a rare day off from the kids. This was around 8 months ago. Since then I have spent £500 on a hen do, paid for their wedding car, brought extra bits and pieces in for the wedding for them to discover that DB soon to be wife, is inviting her niece and she is a flower girl, but my two dd's are not invited! They are all of a similar age. I wouldn't expect my two to be flowers girls if she hadn't of wanted it but to not even be invited! I feel so angry and feel like not going but don't want to be seen as being petty. How do i approach the situation? I think if i bring it up its going to explode into a big row thanks

lets As I said earlier on the thread:

In some families, because of circumstance (such as one brother and his family living 300 miles away but another brother and his family living 10 miles away) you can easily have a bride/groom who is very close to one niece or nephew but not the other.

Families are all different. I have no siblings. On one side of the family I have three cousins, on the other side of the family I have over 30 cousins. On the former, I used to live four doors away from two of my cousins so I know them very very well; on the latter, at least two thirds of them I have never even met and some I have not seen in 30 years. I would, if getting married, happily invite the two I know very well and none of the others.

Similarly, I have friends of 20 years whose children I barely know but am a godfather to one pair of friend's daughter and so I see that child much more often. I would happily invite her to my wedding but none of the others. Because I have a relationship with her. I don't with the other children.

I don't actually think that's unreasonable.

I always think "Child Free" weddings are about the bride stamping her foot and saying "Nobody is going to pull focus! It's all about ME!!"
Or maybe they don't want certain moments spoiled by babies or little kids screaming?

Weddings are about what exactly - oh yeah - family ! Whats a family event without children?
A perfectly good wedding?

Op you may have to just speak to your dbro instead of letter this fester.
Can understand why you feel like this, however the dneice hasn't been invited, she is part of the bridal party, so they won't think they've gone against the 'no children'.

Everyone has conveniently ignored my comment so I'm going to say it again.

Why is it the brides fault? Why is it up to her to ensure her stbh family are included? I really don't understand why it's always the bride is being a bride I'll becuase she has said no to this that and the other.

The no kid rule may be the grooms idea and she had to fight to have the one child there. Or as I said before, maybe they had an allotted number of invites each and he chose not to invite your children OP in favour of other adults but the bride used one of her invites for he dn?

• bridezilla that should have said

'Why is it the brides fault? Why is it up to her to ensure her stbh family are included'
It isn't, its the dbs fault for being so wet and letting his wife to be cause obvious problems.

Ethel Maybe he is perfectly happy with this? How do we know the OP's kids aren't right little spoilt shits who are likely to trash the place?

No, they probably aren't. But the point is valid. We don't know that it's the bride, we don't know whether there is a perfectly acceptable reason for the decision. But you're quite happy to apportion blame without the facts.

You're right shatner he maybe is happy with it. Think as the op says she needs to let him know it's a bit shit and leave it at that

It isn't, its the dbs fault for being so wet and letting his wife to be cause obvious problems

Have I missed something here? Where has the OP said that the bride was the one who said no to her children coming to the wedding?

Here we go, another person thinking that someone else's wedding is about them and what they want to do. Just please get over it!

Having been to many weddings before I got married which were messed up by wailing kids, crying babies and parents who thought it was 'cute' to see their child run up the aisle after the bride we decided to have a small child free wedding. I had to cut out lots of random relatives but hey ho. I still haven't seen them to this day and I got married over 20 years ago.

It really isn't about money totally. Its about the experience you want to have with your partner.

I like to have lunch on my own on a Saturday in a nice café. Do I accept that they are often overrun with kids - yes, and I suck it up. Going out to a nice restaurant in the evening on a rare night out do I feel the same - NOPE!

We were once invited to a child free wedding.

I was breastfeeding so couldn't be there long.

When we arrived there were several kids of varying ages who "simply couldn't be left".

When we left before the evening do they complained we weren't staying 😭

And I do have children! The thing that decided it for me was when said child ran up the aisle after the bride and stood on the bridge's dress leaving a lovely muddy footprint and then screamed the place down when the mother went to get him.

She didn't even take him out. Just tried to reason with him and the wedding didn't start properly until another guest asked her to perhaps go outside.

It's the "your day, your rules" type crap that leads to these kind of situation.

Child free - fine
Child free except family - fine
Child free except for kids I like on my side but none from yours - totally shitty

Wedding or any other day of the week isn't an excuse to be a crappy human being. I'd put decent money that when the day comes some other kids from her friends and family will also be there.

I think this will quickly become a relationship where brides family always come first.
Friend of mine has that with their brother. Wife's family dictate his brothers Christmas, easter, christenings, weddings, children birth parties, everything. It means that brother and family hardly seen their nephew/grandkids because it's all about catering to what the wife's family wants. It only builds resentment the longer it goes on.

My db has allowed her to speak to our mother disrespectfully before

I wonder if this is more of the family dynamic (db has always done as told) and the bride won't take any shit form the IL's

I love an excuse to not go to a wedding. I hate them, the fuss, the drama, the expense. Any excuse is good enough for me.

I didn't go to my brothers wedding, all a bit political and just bowed out, didn't go to my sister's wedding as she eloped and no one went. It hasn't caused any problems, it is just one day.

I'm not in favour of child-free weddings but everyone has the right to get married how they want to.
I've been to lots of child-free weddings where the only children who attend are in the wedding party - including my sister's wedding and my brother's wedding.
Fundamentally, unless you were expecting her to get married without a flowergirl or page boy, she was likely to have children fulfil these roles.
It's her and your brothers's choice - but the real shame is it would not have been too much extra hassle to also have invited your daughters to be flowergirls. Not only would it have been very special for them, but it would have helped create a bond between the two families.

Just to add. My brother got married overseas a long haul flight away. Trip costs us thousands. Only his immediate family (ie my parents and and my sisters plus partners and children) were attending on his side so it was a very small wedding. Bride tells us just before we bought airline tickets that children will be allowed to the wedding but not to the reception and she sends us a link to an overseas website so we could hire random babysitters for our children. Bride's nephew and my two sister's children were in the bridal party - the only two children at the wedding not in the bridal party were my two children. The night before the wedding the bride asked my children to be in the wedding party too which helped, but by then I was quite hurt so my relationship with her has never recovered.

ittakes2, some people are just rude. Glad they woke up before it was too late.

Maybe DB said to her "Let's make it a child-free do because I really fancy not having kids underfoot and ruining OUR big day". And maybe she said "oh but you know people will moan" and he replied "sod them, it's our wedding and we can do what we want the same as they can for their events".

So user152etc.etc is now user462etcetc

MNHQ really need to sort out this "user" thing

See i think that if weddings were the type of event where it were socially acceptable to say 'sorry I don't fancy it' without a shit storm of 'have you noticed that the bride's sister in law isn't here?!' then the bride could do whatever she likes and everyone could take it or leave it. But when it isn't really socially acceptable to give it a miss, then I think the bride, if she's inviting family, has a responsibility to consider her guests. She has them over a barrel otherwise.

It's a popular thing on MN to say 'just don't go' but in my experience that's the sort of thing that causes family rifts for years.

I wonder whether the 'modern' bride doesn't actually just want the guests as part of the accessories associated with the perfect wedding - and their comfort or otherwise becomes irrelevant.

I'm with OP, if be cheesed off.