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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child free wedding that isn't child free

248 replies

user15262093 · 11/07/2017 00:55

Hi don't know if i am being unreasonable and need a bit of perspective.
My DB is getting married next year. We were told from the beginning that the wedding is going to be child free. I had no problem with this, in fact sometimes its nice to have an excuse to have a rare day off from the kids. This was around 8 months ago. Since then I have spent £500 on a hen do, paid for their wedding car, brought extra bits and pieces in for the wedding for them to discover that DB soon to be wife, is inviting her niece and she is a flower girl, but my two dd's are not invited! They are all of a similar age. I wouldn't expect my two to be flowers girls if she hadn't of wanted it but to not even be invited! I feel so angry and feel like not going but don't want to be seen as being petty. How do i approach the situation? I think if i bring it up its going to explode into a big row thanks

OP posts:

Groupie123 · 11/07/2017 10:03

In the old days bridal party got preference because bride's father paid for it all. I bet that isn't happening on this occasion.

EthelsDisco · 11/07/2017 10:06

' He's a dick for excluding his own sister's kids but allowing his wife's siblings kids.'
Exactly.

cluelessnewmum · 11/07/2017 10:07

Yanbu, it is favouritism towards the brides side of the family. I get that she is of course closer to her own genetic niece but it is very rude in my opinion to invite one set of nieces and not the others. I don't like the sexism in all this - if your dc were boys they'd probably been made page boys but because they're girls on the groom's side of the family they don't get a look in.

Explain to your brother how this looks to your dc, I think if your db does this it will cause a rift. Do you have parents who could mention something on your behalf? I bet they're not pleased their grandchildren aren't invited but the parents of the bride's are?

BertramTheWalrus · 11/07/2017 10:08

Parents having one evening without their children is depressing?

I've been to a lot more than one wedding in my life.

I don't think children are the centre of the world. No one is the centre of the world. All I am trying to say is that children have a right to participate in important social functions.

Anotherweddingone · 11/07/2017 10:10

YANBU- I posted a similar dilemma yesterday but I think yours is worse. Totally agree with PP that it's one thing to have a child free wedding- fine. Fine also to have child free wedding in terms of guest's children but have "family" children there if you want. But to have one side's niece and not the other is unfair and I'd be hurt too. Not sure I could do anything about it as so difficult to raise but I'd certainly be feeling annoyed!

user4627462187468 · 11/07/2017 10:14

naked I understand your point, i don't think you realise what I'm trying to say. Im all for child free weddings as such, just that when one niece is invited and mine isn't that i don't think thats right. There isn't 100's of children, if money was an issue and she had asked for a contribution that would be ok. However, i feel like an idiot as i have easily spent £1000 on her wedding and she can't even pay for my two children to go? and didn't even have the decency to tell me herself but i had to find out from someone else that she lied and said it was a child free wedding. My children are the centre of everything for me but i do understand that to others they are not, I'm not naive. However, they are well behaved and if they did play up for whatever reason then they would be taken out straight away. I have never had a falling out with my db or his soon to be wife, we have always gotten on fine, so i think this is also why I'm surprised.

user4627462187468 · 11/07/2017 10:16

Thank you another it is hurtful isn't it! i don't think i can let it go so will have to say something but could do without the hassle

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/07/2017 10:19

Sorry I'm confused. Have you name changed op?

SouthWindsWesterly · 11/07/2017 10:25

I'm with the OP here. Bad bad manners. Either all children of the family are treated the same as in invited or none. Showing favouritism to another side of the family is shit.

I'd invoice them for the wedding car OP. But then I'm in a foul mood today so you should take that last piece of advice with a punch of salt

FrToddUnctious · 11/07/2017 10:29

Yanbu

readyforno2 · 11/07/2017 10:41

I completely understand where you're coming from op. What is your relationship like with your db? Could you tell him how you feel?

Fwiw we had a 'family children only' wedding.
My two ds' and my niece. If we had asked all friends' children we would have had to cut our guest list down by a third.

Nikephorus · 11/07/2017 10:52

At the end of the day, it is solely the choice of the bride and groom whom they invite to their wedding.
This ^^. I don't see why anyone should have to invite people to their wedding that they don't want. The niece is there as flower girl and will probably be shunted off home / elsewhere unrelated straight after the photos. Surely you just say to your kids "sorry kids, only us parents have been invited to this wedding, you can have some fun doing x instead and we'll tell you all about it when we get home". I can't say I was ever desperate to attend weddings as a child.

user4627462187468 · 11/07/2017 10:59

I am going to speak to Db about it, but i won't hold my breath as she has a much more dominating character than him and I heard her telling one guest to the wedding the other day they couldn't wear a particular colour (not white, it could have been pink) because it clashed with their wedding colours. My db has allowed her to speak to our mother disrespectfully before so i don't think he is going to say anything in favour of the kids to be completely honest. They haven't got children themselves so i don't think db will really understand. nike its fine not wanting people there but why lie and take money from someone who's children you don't want?

EthelsDisco · 11/07/2017 11:05

'My db has allowed her to speak to our mother disrespectfully before so '
I think that explains it. She obviously wears the trousers. While of course an invite now would be awkward, imo when people behave badly as she has you just need to let them know that it isn't ok.

Kittykatmacbill · 11/07/2017 11:10

*Not your wedding, not your day to plan I'm afraid

This.

And yes even a six month old will cost if the venue charges for them...

grannytomine · 11/07/2017 11:17

They bride and groom can invite whoever they like. Of course people don't have to go and if my sibling did this I wouldn't be at the wedding. I'd let them know that I wasn't going but no explanation, they don't need to explain and neither do I.

Nikephorus · 11/07/2017 11:20

nike its fine not wanting people there but why lie and take money from someone who's children you don't want?
But they haven't lied (as far as I can see) - there's only one child attending as a flower girl. That's not a guest, it's a 'look pretty in the photos job' before she gets sent off home. They couldn't invite yours to be flower girls too & then expect them to bugger off home as well; you'd be pissed off. And they couldn't then stay as guests because it's a child-free wedding; you can imagine the aggro they'd get from everyone else - "why are they invited & not ours? We've been friends for x years" "well I supported the bride through x crisis" "well I was there for her at y time and my kids should have been invited".
The flower girl isn't a guest, she's not even a person - she's a wedding accessory - "Flowers?" "Check" "Invites?" "Check" "Wedding cake?" "Check" "Flower girl?" "Check"

treaclesoda · 11/07/2017 11:21

You can't not invite someone's partner, even if you find them a pita, so why do it with children?'

Yes you can. I've been invited to a wedding before where my dh wasn't invited. It was no big deal and he was delighted because he hates weddings anyway, and didn't have to turn up and be polite. Win win.

user4627462187468 · 11/07/2017 11:22

I already said above, the child isn't going home, she is staying for the sit down dinner and the rest of the day and evening, being catered for and having a seat, so it isn't a child free wedding is it?

McTufty · 11/07/2017 11:24

All I am trying to say is that children have a right to participate in important social functions

Really? Children have a right to go to weddings? No one has a right to go to someone else's wedding.

You really think that a bride and groom should not be able to host child free weddings because of children's 'rights'?

I actually agree with the OP here that the different treatment is rude and unkind but I find your suggestion children have a 'right' to attend to be somewhat astonishing.

user4627462187468 · 11/07/2017 11:24

The point isn't about whether weddings should be child free, its that i was told it was child free, paid a fortune for various wedding things to find out it is in fact iv been lied to and that the niece on the other side is invited but not my children, also nieces!

numbmum83 · 11/07/2017 11:30

I wouldn't go if my Sister did this. When my Sister got married we wasn't sure if my children would be able to make it and we spent the week before the wedding hunting for the same bridesmaid dress for my Daughter when we realised she could . If she had said my children couldn't be a part of the ceremony I would've took that as she didn't want me there either .

I can't understand why people allow their partners family to come before theirs ... your children OP should be there!

EthelsDisco · 11/07/2017 11:31

'Yes you can. I've been invited to a wedding before where my dh wasn't invited'
Ok well how would you feel if, say, your db was getting married and said you dh couldn't go but his bride's dsis dh was going. Still wouldn't bother you at all?

treaclesoda · 11/07/2017 11:32

Ok well how would you feel if, say, your db was getting married and said you dh couldn't go but his bride's dsis dh was going. Still wouldn't bother you at all?

No, that would bother me, a lot. I had already posted upthread that I can see why the OP is hurt in this situation. I was just responding to a particular point that another poster made.

ElBandito · 11/07/2017 11:38

Once they are married won't they all be her nieces?

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