To think I've messed up badly?

[PeppaPigObsession]

I'm 25 and have a 2 year old DD. 2 weeks ago my husband walked out on us.

He's quit his job and refusing to claim benefits so no maintenance. And I'm just not sure how I'm going to cope.

My DD has a Global Developmental Delay, Hip Dysplasia, Squint, Hearing Problems and is Asthmatic. She gets lower rate DLA, and because of that she isn't entitled to the mobility element, she'll be eligible for that when she's 3.5 apparently. So £22 a week DLA.

I'll get income support of £73.10 a week and Child Tax Credits of £64 a week. So with Child Benefit of £20.70 a week I have an income of £179.80.

Rent is covered by housing benefit but because I'm on my own and under 35 and the place is adapted for DDs needs I only get the first £90 a week paid. My rent is £150 a week without HB.

Water rates are £15 a week and I top Gas and Electric up between £10 and £20 a week each depending on how much it's used. So for ease £15 a week each.

I don't drive but DD has an appointment in the next town in hospital at least once per week. Tickets are £6.50 return. I do claim them back from the NHS but it can take up to 8 weeks to get the money back.

Part of my tenancy agreement with the Housing Association is I have to have Contents Insurance Policy so I can't cancel that.

I shop in Aldi or Morrisons MIL works for the latter and gave me her discount card but I still seem to spend £45 a week on both me and DD H never ate what we did so that's not changed much that includes 16 pints of milk as DD drinks 2 9oz bottles of it a day (so nearly a pint a day, a 4 pint bottle is £1.05 I'm quite short and not strong so I buy them in 4 pint bottles) plus I like DD to have porridge for breakfast which I have with her. I also like tea! We buy 2 loaves of bread a week, and DD has to have a banana every night before she goes to bed (it's been the routine since she was 6 months old and she won't go to bed until she's had her banana). So that's £5.55 before I've even bought any meals. Happy to have any ideas how to make it cheaper. Aldi and Morrisons are the only ones in my town, but DM will take me to Tesco or Asda on a Saturday.

Thankfully my DM has bought me a prepay card for my prescriptions, as I'm asthmatic and have hayfever myself.

I do have a cat, but I don't want to have to get rid of her unless I have to as she keeps me company once DD is in bed at night and she also sleeps in DDs room and comes to get me if DD has a problem.

As of September DD will no longer be going to Nursery as my granddad is stopping the £30 a week her gives me to cover it when her free hours kick in this was always the agreement as he has 8 grandchildren and I'm the only one he helps in such a way so he says it's not fair, I tried to speak to Nursery about it but they expect you to use them for at least 2 days which is 22 hours they're open, you use 15 hours of those and pay for the remaining 7 plus meals so it'll cost me £30 a week to send her to Nursery for 2 days which I don't feel I can afford. She currently gets Emerging Needs Funding but that stops at age 2 because most children are either then getting free hours due to DLA or are fixed. Her DLA rate isn't high enough to get any extra funding for the Nursery. So she'll lose her Nursery place and will suffer for it. I'm looking round to try and find another Nursery for her to go to but so far no where has places or will take her due to her SEN and not having the funding to meet her needs.

DD also needs to go swimming at least once a fortnight to strengthen her hips or help them realign if they've dislocated again. The cost is currently covered by Nursery but if she loses her place I'll have to find the cost of that.

So my weekly spend looks like this:
Rent £60
Water £15
Gas £15
Electric £15
Bus Ticket £6.50
TV License £3.06
Home Insurance £5.50
Nappies (bought monthly) £2.50
Food and Toiletries £45
Cat food £2.35
Cat Litter (bought monthly) £1
Swimming (paid on a pay as you go basis) £4.50

That leaves me with around £5 a week, if I'm lucky because DD might need to go to another hospital appointment or something a week. So that means one toddler group a week too, as they're at least £4 a time here maybe, none at all. I'm looking in to free ones but most children go to Nursery aged 2 where I live so the free ones stop at around that age

What the hell am I going to do with DD? She already struggles with boredom on the 4 in 7 she's home. How do I manage when she's home 7 in 7?

I feel so awful for her. Had i waited to have she was a contraception failure then maybe H wouldn't have left us. Maybe I'd have been able to work and we'd be better off, I don't know .

I've messed up so badly, and I don't know how we're going to manage at all. I feel like a slowly sinking ship and it's only a matter of time until she's taken off me by social cuz I can't cope.

Your water bill is very high and so are your fuel bills, i am on a water meter,and in a 3 bedroomed house,i pay £15 a month water,and i use a lot, my fuel bills are £56-60 a month, and i use all radiators except 1 bedroom
I hope you can get some advice on this, maybe CAB will help

Bran yes helped from Pediatrician and evidence from him, Health Visitor, DDs Nursery, her audiologist and the orthopedic consultant who's involved with her hips

Appeal her DLA award with tons and tons of evidence from nursery and medical professionals. Get it in writing that nursery can't meet her needs and use that.

Middle rate DLA would enable you to claim carers allowance if your income is low enough.

Apply for housing benefit.

If your dd needs funding for extra support in nursery that should be completely separate from dla. Care in school certainly is.

Get some help from a children's advocacy services if you can.

@Peppapigobsession

Make sure you claim for Healthy Start Vouchers, they are worth £3.10 I think it is now, per week, and sent out in sets of 4 - to be redeemed against cow's milk (powder or liquid) fruit and vegetables (this includes frozen)

Also check out when applications open for Warm Home Discount with your provider, this is worth £140 and will be taken off your electricity bill (because everyone has electric, not all have gas)

You definitely need to appeal the dla.

It doesn't work as getting it for a certain condition. Keep a diary for a week or so of everything you need to do to care for your dd. Get nursery to write and say that she needs more care than others her age.

Allow We've already appealed and been told no. We had evidence from the Nursery, Pediatrician, Orthopedic Consultant, Audiologist and Health Visitor, I had to send it through the post office the envelope was that thick with evidence.

Already get housing benefit but only £90 a week, the £60 I pay it's what's left to pay after HB. Going to contact the housing office on Monday and see what they say.

Nursery can;t get funding for her unless she's on middle rate DLA, I just can't afford to keep sending her without that extra help. She'll be eligible for Think 2 from September but Nursery expect me to send her 2 days which I can't afford.

I have asked around childminders but either they don't have space or won't take DD because they have filled their SEN provisions. I've got 2 more to contact next week.

You sound really smart and organised and not at all like you've messed up. Lots of good advice here. It would be great if you could find a nursery to take her so that you could maybe do some work for extra cash during those hours, even if it's just a couple of cleaning jobs through local ads. Sounds like it'd make all the difference to your budgeting. Or could you babysit for friends/neighbours. When mine were little I was always in need of people to watch the kids for a few hours and that way you could have your DD with you and earn a bit. I realise I may get grief on here for suggesting doing that unofficially but the truth is people do these things when they're strapped. My single mum mate does a few hours a week in a local shop cash in hand and even though it's not at all ideal morally tax-wise, nor is it moral that her bastard ex pays no maintenance, so if it means she can pay the rent, fair enough I say. Put feelers out and do what you need to do short-term, while maybe plotting some longer term plans for qualifications.

Wow - as the others have said, you certainly seem to be totally on the ball, and I'm sure you'll both do ok...

One thing worth considering, is the impact of a cat on your asthma. My wife and son are both asthmatic, and for her in particular, if she goes anywhere near a cat, she's immediately needing an inhaler. Of course, for you both, it may not be an issue, just thought I'd mention it.

OP, your not in the wrong, he is the shit that ran out on you.
If your place is adapted you can claim a further reduction on your council tax, we have a wet room and get a reduction for that.
You should be able to claim care allowance, ask for a re-assessment.
I know it's seems a long way away, but the higher rate mobility is around £220 a month, sugest you take the money rather than a car as you can then put the money towards other thing you need.
Good luck.

If your ex is not working and not getting benifits what is he living off? How is he paying his national insurance etc?? What does he do all day?

I doubt very much that he's literally got zero money
You need to get something out of him somehow, even if it means only getting 20quid a week out of him, which if you could find a tenner from somewhere else could help with the nursery

And charities? foodbanks
Also definitely get the rebate for council tax.
Is he still registered at your house?

Link to Yorkshire Water

www.yorkshirewater.com/watersure_v2

Well done on having such a good handle on your finances, OP. I'm sorry you find yourself in such a shit situation.

My first thought reading your budget was your food spend. Some things cannot be altered, such as milk, I understand. However, perhaps address your other meals and see if you could adjust a bit for cheaper options. Do you eat meat with every meal/dinner for example? A couple of dinners or lunches, which are pasta and sauce based are very cheap to make and could go towards reducing your food bill. I feel an adult and child could have a meal for around £1 if planned. Bulk cooking and freezing is another option and would work out cheaper in the long run.

I'm sorry I can't advise much better than this but I hope you manage to get your entitlements sorted soon.

I understand that he deosnt want to pay maintenance, its really not the point. Contact CMS and the Inland Revenue, and they can start proceedings. Get a court order in place.

Do that and in future, if he wins the lottery, the court will backdate maintenance to today.

www.gov.uk/child-maintenance/overview

I suspect STBEXH is working Cash In Hand somehow, but I can't prove it, and everytime I ask him for some maintenance or anything he says he's not claiming benefits and not working so has no money. He's living with his best friend and his parents who've told me he can live with them for nothing, and they're happy to feed him too

Forgot to say get on to Child support,or whatever they are called now for some maintanance from your Dh

Reborn I've only ever eaten meat twice a week, and I'd happily give it up altogether if it wasn't for DD. I've been trying to bulk cook on a day DDs in Nursery but I don't have much freezer space - only a tiny 2 drawer fridge freezer.

I do plan to contact CMS, even £5 a week would make a massive difference.

Try your local council for a discretionary housing payment, i managed to claim it for my dad as his rent had gone up and it was causing hardship. With your finances I'm sure you'd get it.
And I really think you need to contact the CMS and get maintenance. He simply can't refuse to pay you anything, it's morally wrong however you look at it. You can't let him not support his child and let you do it. You sound an amazing mum and your DD is very lucky to have you

Why did your DD's father leave? And what kind of low-life deliberately avoids oaying to support their own child? I can't see any way you've messed up - he's messed things up for you in a big way though. Cab is probably a good starting point, and there's also turn2us who advise on benefits and also grants that might be available for your particular circumstances. I think they have a phone service as well as an online search.

it doesn't matter if he's working cash in hand the inland revenue need to know what he is up to. Just report him
He can't just disappear off the radar. Does he never go to the doctor!? Never want an old age pension?!

I would also suggest you write an email to him listing everything you have said here and send a copy to his best friend, his parents, his siblings, his best friends parents. I bet they have no bloody idea how he's shirking his responsibilities.
They might shame him into doing something and if it doesn't work
There's no loss to you anyway.

Ago Back story here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2964156-DH-wants-to-leave

Gin his parents want nothing to do with him as they've said he's selfish for just walking out on us.

You are a superstar and you will be just fine. Your DD is so lucky to have you fighting for her.

Some great advice here - just want to second getting a referral to a food bank. People like you are who food banks are for. In the ones where I am you'll get a sit down and a cup of tea and someone happy to play with DD for a bit as well!

In terms of toddler groups have you looked at what local churches do? Again where I am they're usually free/ donation based so wouldn't impact your budget. They will also give you and DD tea and squash. Plus there may be people there (the vicar or helpers) who can help you apply for/ appeal things or just listen to you. If there's a church that does a lunch club or a Messy Church that's a free hot meal and some company as well.

Good luck OP. You've got this. You're better off without someone who's willing to abandon you and his child.

As well as trying to get an appointment with Citizens Advice, I would make an appointment to see your MP. Their staff can be helpful in terms of appealing against benefits decision. In your case, they might well be able to help with a letter to support your case to have the extra rent paid for, as it was the HA's decision that you needed a more expensive property due to your daughter's likely future needs. They might well also be able to put you in contact with other local organisation who could offer advice and support.

Home Start could also possibly help. They offer volunteer support to families, particularly those with disabilities to cope with:
www.home-start.org.uk/disability-and-illness

Please don't think that you've messed up, you've really not. You are very well organised and have sensibly realised that your finances are going to be stretched, so are looking at how to cope.

As others have said, talk to your Health Visitor. When I needed some extra help (some years ago) they were able to find some funding to temporarily help pay for a few extra hours at nursery. Explain the specific problem with the current nursery, e.g. you can't access the 'free' hours because they insist you pay for more. The HV could help negotiate a solution with them, as they are clearly an important part of your daughter's developmental needs.

MissClimpsons There's a messy church group that's once a month on a Saturday which is 20p a time, but you have to book because it's popular and booking only opens 1 week before the group. I've only been once as it's usually booked up within an hour of the online booking opening, I usually go on the waiting list but have never got a space on it through that.

The other group is weekly but isn't free as they have to hire their own hall off the parish council, so costs £4 a time. I've been to that one before and it's quite good as it's a stay and play so I will be trying to go that when I can afford it.