To think I've messed up badly?

[PeppaPigObsession]

I'm 25 and have a 2 year old DD. 2 weeks ago my husband walked out on us.

He's quit his job and refusing to claim benefits so no maintenance. And I'm just not sure how I'm going to cope.

My DD has a Global Developmental Delay, Hip Dysplasia, Squint, Hearing Problems and is Asthmatic. She gets lower rate DLA, and because of that she isn't entitled to the mobility element, she'll be eligible for that when she's 3.5 apparently. So £22 a week DLA.

I'll get income support of £73.10 a week and Child Tax Credits of £64 a week. So with Child Benefit of £20.70 a week I have an income of £179.80.

Rent is covered by housing benefit but because I'm on my own and under 35 and the place is adapted for DDs needs I only get the first £90 a week paid. My rent is £150 a week without HB.

Water rates are £15 a week and I top Gas and Electric up between £10 and £20 a week each depending on how much it's used. So for ease £15 a week each.

I don't drive but DD has an appointment in the next town in hospital at least once per week. Tickets are £6.50 return. I do claim them back from the NHS but it can take up to 8 weeks to get the money back.

Part of my tenancy agreement with the Housing Association is I have to have Contents Insurance Policy so I can't cancel that.

I shop in Aldi or Morrisons MIL works for the latter and gave me her discount card but I still seem to spend £45 a week on both me and DD H never ate what we did so that's not changed much that includes 16 pints of milk as DD drinks 2 9oz bottles of it a day (so nearly a pint a day, a 4 pint bottle is £1.05 I'm quite short and not strong so I buy them in 4 pint bottles) plus I like DD to have porridge for breakfast which I have with her. I also like tea! We buy 2 loaves of bread a week, and DD has to have a banana every night before she goes to bed (it's been the routine since she was 6 months old and she won't go to bed until she's had her banana). So that's £5.55 before I've even bought any meals. Happy to have any ideas how to make it cheaper. Aldi and Morrisons are the only ones in my town, but DM will take me to Tesco or Asda on a Saturday.

Thankfully my DM has bought me a prepay card for my prescriptions, as I'm asthmatic and have hayfever myself.

I do have a cat, but I don't want to have to get rid of her unless I have to as she keeps me company once DD is in bed at night and she also sleeps in DDs room and comes to get me if DD has a problem.

As of September DD will no longer be going to Nursery as my granddad is stopping the £30 a week her gives me to cover it when her free hours kick in this was always the agreement as he has 8 grandchildren and I'm the only one he helps in such a way so he says it's not fair, I tried to speak to Nursery about it but they expect you to use them for at least 2 days which is 22 hours they're open, you use 15 hours of those and pay for the remaining 7 plus meals so it'll cost me £30 a week to send her to Nursery for 2 days which I don't feel I can afford. She currently gets Emerging Needs Funding but that stops at age 2 because most children are either then getting free hours due to DLA or are fixed. Her DLA rate isn't high enough to get any extra funding for the Nursery. So she'll lose her Nursery place and will suffer for it. I'm looking round to try and find another Nursery for her to go to but so far no where has places or will take her due to her SEN and not having the funding to meet her needs.

DD also needs to go swimming at least once a fortnight to strengthen her hips or help them realign if they've dislocated again. The cost is currently covered by Nursery but if she loses her place I'll have to find the cost of that.

So my weekly spend looks like this:
Rent £60
Water £15
Gas £15
Electric £15
Bus Ticket £6.50
TV License £3.06
Home Insurance £5.50
Nappies (bought monthly) £2.50
Food and Toiletries £45
Cat food £2.35
Cat Litter (bought monthly) £1
Swimming (paid on a pay as you go basis) £4.50

That leaves me with around £5 a week, if I'm lucky because DD might need to go to another hospital appointment or something a week. So that means one toddler group a week too, as they're at least £4 a time here maybe, none at all. I'm looking in to free ones but most children go to Nursery aged 2 where I live so the free ones stop at around that age

What the hell am I going to do with DD? She already struggles with boredom on the 4 in 7 she's home. How do I manage when she's home 7 in 7?

I feel so awful for her. Had i waited to have she was a contraception failure then maybe H wouldn't have left us. Maybe I'd have been able to work and we'd be better off, I don't know .

I've messed up so badly, and I don't know how we're going to manage at all. I feel like a slowly sinking ship and it's only a matter of time until she's taken off me by social cuz I can't cope.

She can't claim careers allowance as her dd only gets lower rate DLA.

Op- re do your DLA application, your daughter sounds like she has a a lot of extra needs and should at least be on middle rate, once your on middle rate your get extra money on your tax credits (approx £40- 60 a week) and can claim careers allowance which is approx £60 a week as well aswell as your DLA going from £22 to £55 I think it is

Firstly, you have NOT messed up, you've got a handle on everything which is a tough place to get to after a relationship breakdown.

Being on benefits can be tough and if you're having to pay that much rent you might have to adjust to having very little spare every week but you will manage, honestly!

Have you looked into 2year early education funding?

Can you get a monthly leisure pass rather than pay as you go or a kids pass which offers discounts?
If DD needs the swimming for health reasons, can you speak to your GP and ask if you can get free membership? I know some adults who are out of work but need to access a pool/gym even for weight loss, get a free or heavily subsidised membership.

You should be able to get your food shop down by £10 a week I'd say, if you stick to Lidl/Aldi
Lidl do (approx) 79p cat food!

Speak to the council about discretionary housing payments to top your rent up.

Make sure your council tax reduction includes single person discount.

Do you really need a TV license? Double check.

It sounds like you're doing well OP, not messing up at all.

Sorry you're struggling OP. Just a thought but can you ask your Granddad to reconsider stopping the £30 a week? OK so he's not contributing to the same to hear s other grandchildren, but it sound's like your child's needs are much greater than theirs. There's nothing wrong with families helping each other financially in terms of need rather in terms of what is "equal". If he can't afford it anymore then fair enough but if he can then I don't see why he shouldn't.

Your water bill seems high? Do you pay for broadband or mobile phone as well?

Definitely contact the CAB-they might be able to help. Do you not qualify for free prescriptions or nursery due to your income?

Also, your water seems too expensive! Speak to the company about 'lite' tariffs or just any tariff available to low income households.
I have had this when I was at uni and my bill was capped at £36 per month.

Op you need to get and please do reapply for middle care rate of dla. Did you know that this can give you a much higher child tax credit award. Also you can try for carers allowance.

Hi I just wrote and lost a long reply. So this may come in little bits.

Where I'm the country are you
Is there a local opportunity group for children with special needs that she could attend

Where will she be going to school? Sen schools often have sessions from 2 years
it is likely she will be able to access the sessions even if she is likely to go to mainstream school. They also may have a pool you can access.

have you looked into direct payments

have you looked into respite care?
often volunteers who will come for a few hours every week

contact your local college. Any college with a childcare course will have students who need placements as part of their training. you could have a student for an afternoon a week eager and motivated to play and care for her under your supervision which could be really positive for both of you.

Have a look at local trusts and grants so you have a back up for unexpected expenses.

Many swimming pools offer free sessions for people with special needs and a carer

Some attractions and zoos are the same. carer goes free. and she is free as under 3.

you have lots to get your head round at the moment. You are doing bloody brilliantly. please feel free to p.m. if I can help.

Tell your HB office you want to apply for Discretionary Housing Payments: england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/housing_benefit/discretionary_housing_payments_dhp.

If there is a welfare rights service left in your area it's worth seeing them.

I'm not sure how it would impact your other benefits, but could you get a part time job to fund DD's nursery? It sounds like both of you benefit from her spending time there.

Care wise:

DD is unbalanced so falls a lot, depending on how she falls she can dislocate her hips which makes it painful for her to walk so she's reluctant to walk when she's like that, she does crawl though so the DLA Assessor said she can still get around inside the house and her Nursery so no mobility aspect. So she gets DLA for the hip dysplasia only. She can't be left unsupervised even if I go to the toilet, but they felt I could use a baby gate or playpen to make her safe.

She only has around 10 words, has struggled to learn Makaton and doesn't use Flash Cards either. But they said Speech Delays are common (1 in 3 children under 3 have a speech delay apparently) so they don't award DLA for that. It is really frustrating though, she's just bought me a pair of socks, but doesn't want them on her feet screams if I try and is just nodding at me when I ask what she wants me to do with the socks

Because of the Speech Delay the health visitor and pediatrician have advised not potty training until the term before she starts school (she'll start school September 2019). But toileting needs aren't taken into account until age 4 so no DLA for that.

She is partially deaf so does get DLA for that and that could be causing balance problems. It also causes problems with things like hoovers and hand dryers in public toilets as the loud noises scare her. We can't use changing areas in public toilets unless it's a seperate room or in the disabled toilet as she gets really distressed if the hand dryer is used and will throw herself around in an attempt to get away. So she's awarded DLA for that as we've had to pay for a Radar key to be able to access certain toilets and changing areas.

The squint in her eye does affect her vision and can cause balance problems. So she's awarded DLA for that.

DLA isn't awarded for Asthma even though her attacks affect her ability to walk because they don't award mobility aspect until 3.5 and that's what Asthma comes under.

The Global Developmental Delay is a general label because of everything else she's delayed in all aspects of her development but the assessor felt she was only a few months behind and they don't award DLA for a delay of less than 6 months.

We've appealed with the help of the Health Visitor and Pediatrician but they stuck to the decision of Lower Rate as they felt that while she does have extra care needs for a child her age they didn't feel they were bad enough to warrant middle rate . They don't assess on potential future needs as she might get better or worse so the fact she could end up in a wheelchair won't be taken into consideration until it happens, even though we live in an adapted house in case she needs one Housing Association assessed us on potential future needs

I can see you getting some rebates. The first being council tax as you're on your own now.

The prescription people give a refund on the time left. I'm asthmatic too, and when I was pg the prescription people gave me a refund of the time left. Crack on with that one.

You've done so well with your list of out goings. Now add the bits we add so you get your rebates, and your dla up to date.

There is a metro half fare bus pass you can apply for if on benefited. It costs £5 then you can get half price bus fares for the month. Also ask at swimming baths if you can get any help with costs. We have a passport to leisure and get money off.HTH

I would also like to say; you sound like a fantastic mum.
I'm sorry your mum has stuck her oar in between you & GF. Do you have any sure start (or whatever it's now called) groups? Our local one does about diiferent sessions a week for under 5s. Call your local children's centre to adk for their advice on the things you are struggling with, whether it's referrals for Dd, benefit advice, respite for you..

I'm in the Midlands for those asking where I am, won't be more specific though.

You will be eligible for the warm home discount and big difference scheme for water. Warm home = £140 per year of energy and big difference has reduced my water bill to £3.74 a month.

Banana our childrens centre closed last year, I took DD to a few of their free groups before she started Nursery and it closed down the week she started. Next nearest is in the next town across which I can only get to on the bus

Yes! The council tax discount for a single adult in the house! Claim it back pro-rated to the month he left.

See if you qualify for Watersure:

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/consumer/water/water-supply/problems-with-paying-your-water-bill/watersure-scheme-help-with-paying-water-bills/

If you can prove your daughter needs more water based on SEN (e.g. Note from GP to say she requires more regular changing and bathing) you may well qualify and get cheaper rates...

Have you told tax credits you get DLA. You should be entitled to the disability element of tax credits, which will bump it up a bit.
Also carers allowance x

Bran when I rung the tax credits people they said it's only middle rate and above that increases your tax credits

I'm really brain dead OP so no advice but I just wanted to say I don't think you've messed up at all. Actually, you sound like you're planning really carefully and doing a very good job. Try not to be too hard on yourself, life's difficult enough as it is. 😊

Can only get carers allowance on middle rate DLA and above as well

OP you sound lovely, such a great mum. I can't comment on the financial aspect as I have limited knowledge of that stuff, but I would say that if you and your daughter have asthma it won't be helped by the cat. If you are both suffering I think rehoming the cat would be difficult but wise decision. I have lived with a cat before and have asthma and it really affected my immune system, once I moved out my chest improved 100% unfortunately it does mean that I'm super allergic to cats now. I know it would be awful to part with the cat but honestly it's worse living in an environment where your system is constantly under attack. Good luck OP x

Did you get help to fill out your DLA forms. Seems unfair you only get lower rate with your childs needs

Phoebe I've lived with cats all my life, and never had any problems. And DDs asthma is just as bad when we go and stay with my mum who doesn't have any pets so I don't think the cat bothers either of us. She is short haired though.