To think I've messed up badly?

[PeppaPigObsession]

I'm 25 and have a 2 year old DD. 2 weeks ago my husband walked out on us.

He's quit his job and refusing to claim benefits so no maintenance. And I'm just not sure how I'm going to cope.

My DD has a Global Developmental Delay, Hip Dysplasia, Squint, Hearing Problems and is Asthmatic. She gets lower rate DLA, and because of that she isn't entitled to the mobility element, she'll be eligible for that when she's 3.5 apparently. So £22 a week DLA.

I'll get income support of £73.10 a week and Child Tax Credits of £64 a week. So with Child Benefit of £20.70 a week I have an income of £179.80.

Rent is covered by housing benefit but because I'm on my own and under 35 and the place is adapted for DDs needs I only get the first £90 a week paid. My rent is £150 a week without HB.

Water rates are £15 a week and I top Gas and Electric up between £10 and £20 a week each depending on how much it's used. So for ease £15 a week each.

I don't drive but DD has an appointment in the next town in hospital at least once per week. Tickets are £6.50 return. I do claim them back from the NHS but it can take up to 8 weeks to get the money back.

Part of my tenancy agreement with the Housing Association is I have to have Contents Insurance Policy so I can't cancel that.

I shop in Aldi or Morrisons MIL works for the latter and gave me her discount card but I still seem to spend £45 a week on both me and DD H never ate what we did so that's not changed much that includes 16 pints of milk as DD drinks 2 9oz bottles of it a day (so nearly a pint a day, a 4 pint bottle is £1.05 I'm quite short and not strong so I buy them in 4 pint bottles) plus I like DD to have porridge for breakfast which I have with her. I also like tea! We buy 2 loaves of bread a week, and DD has to have a banana every night before she goes to bed (it's been the routine since she was 6 months old and she won't go to bed until she's had her banana). So that's £5.55 before I've even bought any meals. Happy to have any ideas how to make it cheaper. Aldi and Morrisons are the only ones in my town, but DM will take me to Tesco or Asda on a Saturday.

Thankfully my DM has bought me a prepay card for my prescriptions, as I'm asthmatic and have hayfever myself.

I do have a cat, but I don't want to have to get rid of her unless I have to as she keeps me company once DD is in bed at night and she also sleeps in DDs room and comes to get me if DD has a problem.

As of September DD will no longer be going to Nursery as my granddad is stopping the £30 a week her gives me to cover it when her free hours kick in this was always the agreement as he has 8 grandchildren and I'm the only one he helps in such a way so he says it's not fair, I tried to speak to Nursery about it but they expect you to use them for at least 2 days which is 22 hours they're open, you use 15 hours of those and pay for the remaining 7 plus meals so it'll cost me £30 a week to send her to Nursery for 2 days which I don't feel I can afford. She currently gets Emerging Needs Funding but that stops at age 2 because most children are either then getting free hours due to DLA or are fixed. Her DLA rate isn't high enough to get any extra funding for the Nursery. So she'll lose her Nursery place and will suffer for it. I'm looking round to try and find another Nursery for her to go to but so far no where has places or will take her due to her SEN and not having the funding to meet her needs.

DD also needs to go swimming at least once a fortnight to strengthen her hips or help them realign if they've dislocated again. The cost is currently covered by Nursery but if she loses her place I'll have to find the cost of that.

So my weekly spend looks like this:
Rent £60
Water £15
Gas £15
Electric £15
Bus Ticket £6.50
TV License £3.06
Home Insurance £5.50
Nappies (bought monthly) £2.50
Food and Toiletries £45
Cat food £2.35
Cat Litter (bought monthly) £1
Swimming (paid on a pay as you go basis) £4.50

That leaves me with around £5 a week, if I'm lucky because DD might need to go to another hospital appointment or something a week. So that means one toddler group a week too, as they're at least £4 a time here maybe, none at all. I'm looking in to free ones but most children go to Nursery aged 2 where I live so the free ones stop at around that age

What the hell am I going to do with DD? She already struggles with boredom on the 4 in 7 she's home. How do I manage when she's home 7 in 7?

I feel so awful for her. Had i waited to have she was a contraception failure then maybe H wouldn't have left us. Maybe I'd have been able to work and we'd be better off, I don't know .

I've messed up so badly, and I don't know how we're going to manage at all. I feel like a slowly sinking ship and it's only a matter of time until she's taken off me by social cuz I can't cope.

Children's services, sorry!

Ask your GP about an exercise referral. If your daughter needs to swim for health reasons the GP might be able to give you a referral for free sessions at your local leisure centre.

If your pil are in your corner, would they be willing/able to help with the nursery fees from september?

Sorry haven't had tome to rift bit check with water suppliers,if using more due to disability then in some cases get reductions / capped rates. Also check other utility suppliers for any concessionary rates.

You can swim for free here, kids free but adults also free if there as carer for person with disability.

Apologies if already covered by pp

I'd talk to the HV too about nursery access and swimming costs - surely the last thing that should happen is your dd loses nursery and swimming becomes harder to pay for. I don't know how people navigate the benefit system when I red threads like this it seems an utterly inefficient and unfair nightmare where you get a series of 'computer says no' responses with no thought behind them.

You sound a fab parent. Its your husband thats messed up, not you.
I cant give any advice, but it sounds like your doing great.
Good luck- his parents should feel ashamed he has left you like this.

OP I'm not sure what will happen with your council tax if it's been paid upfront. Your circumstances have changed and you should now be eligible for council tax reduction (in addition to the single person reduction) which would normally trigger a (massively reduced) revised bill. I think you have to apply for a refund but it should be quite a bit so could you maybe use that money for DD's nursery days? Just a thought, worth checking out once your income support has been awarded at least.

that's true about council tax, my friend was given a refund for overpaid council tax, back dated 3 years as she wasn't aware when her son left home she was entitled to a discount. She could prove she was alone from that date and got a massive amount back so its worth contacting the council about a refund from the date he left

Haven't read the full thread so sorry if I'm going over old ground. But my first thought (apart from how strong and organised you sound) is that you should think carefully about giving up that nursery place.

You say she will be in line for mobility DLA when she is 3.5, and that her swimming lessons are paid for by nursery. So assuming that some more cash starts coming your way when she's 3.5, would it not be worth keeping it? If you combine food bank with better water rates plus telling your mother to stay out of the arrangement with your grandfather could you afford it? It makes no sense for him to withdraw the money at age 3, when the 15 free hours kick in, when you all know full well that the actual outcome is that she will have to stop going.

I think it would really get you down, having to remove her from her familiar nursery environment. It wouldn't be worth it and it wouldn't be good for her (or you). It also leaves you unable to pick up part time work.

OP, I see you've already appealed the DLA rate so my suggestion earlier is no use.

I don't have any other suggestions but your daughter is so lucky to have you.

because I'm on my own and under 35

Housing benefit rate restrictions don't apply if you have a child. Also not if you are in housing association, that only applies to private rentals.
I think you need to speak to your housing association and council housing benefit department. At the very least you can apply for discretionary housing payments to cover the rent shortfall for a period.

OP,

haven't read all the replies so may repeat stuff:

can you get benefit advise re DLA? low rate seems too low for what you have posted. If you would qualify for middle rate your DLA would go up and you would qualify for CA as well.

I would also look into finding a job. I know it will be hard for you but any chance this is doable? I have a DD with severe LD and ASD, no family support and work (only 20h though) - I know it is really tough with a child with SN. But you said DD attends nursery so it might be doable (I use annual leave for appointments - we never go on holiday as there aren't enough days left but this is how I get through the year).

I haven't rtft but wanted to suggest you look at Thrifty Lesley and some of the other sites for budget meal planning. She has a range of weekly meal plans with recipes, which are costed at £15 per week for 2 adults. The recipes I've tried from there have all been lovely. Even if you only did that one week in two or one week in three the extra saved might really help.

Have you checked your housing benefit. That doesn't sound right to me.

Also as a single parent you will be entitled to milk vouchers

Take slot at entitled to website you can do a calculation on there and it's pretty accurate

You will get free prescriptions so not sure why you have a paid for card. That money could be better used elsewhere.

There's some great groups on Facebook, Reduce Your Supermarket Spend and Feed Your Family For £1 A Day both have loads of helpful tips from savvy people to save money, not just on food but in general

I'm not in the UK so can't be of any practical help. Just wanted to say that I think you are handling this brilliantly OP. You have a handle on your income and expenses and are seeking help to see if you are 'missing' anything. That's so far from 'messing up badly' that it can't even be seen from the Hubble telescope!

And the other posters here have shown that MNers are always ready with advice and encouragement when it's needed. Well done, OP and MN Vipers.

OP I'm so sorry you are going through this and I hope that some of the ideas from PP help you.

Do you have room for an under counter size freezer anywhere if one was available to you?

I love my cats and dogs

You still pay council tax if you recieve DLA!!!!

Could you go and see your local MP?

This is appalling, you're a perfect example of how the system just doesn't work for complex cases.

Could you get a cleaning job for the few hours that your DD is in nursery?

I'm often a bit cynical about threads when people say they can't manage (yet are wasting money on loads of luxuries) but that isn't the case at all. Sorry you're in this position OP, echo what everyone else has said about how sensible and organised you sound, and that's entirely to your credit.

I'm shocked given all your DDs health issues you only get lower rate DLA- I know a few people with children who have far fewer physical problems yet get the higher rate, and financially don't need the money. Yes before anyone jumps on me I know DLA isn't means tested, but still...

If your Ex genuinely isn't working is there any prospect of him caring for your Dd while you work or go to College? I suspect he is too unreliable to do this consistently though. My Ex always said the same, he has never paid me a penny in the 9 years since we split. I took him to the CMS a few years ago but despite assessing him to pay about £250 a month I've yet to see a penny. He always said he would just stop working rather than pay me.

I can't help much with practical solutions and will defer to the great advice already on the thread, my only suggestions are shoving lentils and pulses in to meals bulks them out and keeps the meat cost down. Oh and in terms of freezing, putting things in bags rather than plastic containers can save space so you can fit more in the freezer.

Good luck to you and DD. It may not seem like it yet, but you are definitely better off without your Ex.

I wonder could you do some baby sitting in your home? even £10 a week would help, or look after children after school ?

Definitely apply for discretionary housing payment. In my area if you get that, you also get 80% off water bills.

You sound like a heroine to me - you've really got your stuff together in incredibly difficult circumstances.

I've not much to offer that hasn't been said already but YouGov surveys pay £50 once you have a certain number of points from them - it takes bloody ages, a few months at least, but is something you can do very simply from your phone in odd minutes.

There's also Mechanical Turk, which is a kind of micro earning site - small jobs for pennies but the y add up. www.mturk.com/mturk/welcome

I have no idea how these might affect your benefits though - but I bet someone here or on the Money Saving Expert forums will know.

He's living with a friend and his friends parents who think the sun shines out of his backside so have told him he can live with them for free

A female friend?

Well I'm pretty sure that whatever sex this friend is, they'll get sick of carrying him sooner or later.

I'm glad you're keeping your cat - not only does a pet bring comfort and help to reduce anxiety by their presence, but you would worry yourself sick if you had to part with her - where she'd gone, was she happy etc

There is another thread on here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2965170-Aibu-to-think-I-can-live-on-less-then-15-pound-a-week?msgid=70073216

People have offered suggestions for meals etc, - good, tried and tested by MN recipes, and none and simple to make. The BBC Good Food website has good ideas for budget meals, too.

The loss of the nursery place is the most troubling. Are there any other groups you could go to which are fairly close to you? Your local library may be able to help you with information.

Your DH is a tosser - I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you are better (emotionally) without him in your life. I do hope you get sorted out.

Tiny things but might help
Surveys online, look for paid ones like yougov
Join boots tester panel, it's free and nice to get stuff in the post like body lotion or bath bombs or makeup
Receipt hog is an app where you photo your receipts and basically points add up into actual cash (very slowly!)
Quidco for anything you do buy
Money saving expert website
Find when Morrisons reduces stuff and go then, I've had a full roast chicken for 50p, pate for 10p etc. You can strip the cooked chickens and freeze or save and eat
Butchers classic cat food is cheap and v good (tins)