To think I've messed up badly?

[PeppaPigObsession]

I'm 25 and have a 2 year old DD. 2 weeks ago my husband walked out on us.

He's quit his job and refusing to claim benefits so no maintenance. And I'm just not sure how I'm going to cope.

My DD has a Global Developmental Delay, Hip Dysplasia, Squint, Hearing Problems and is Asthmatic. She gets lower rate DLA, and because of that she isn't entitled to the mobility element, she'll be eligible for that when she's 3.5 apparently. So £22 a week DLA.

I'll get income support of £73.10 a week and Child Tax Credits of £64 a week. So with Child Benefit of £20.70 a week I have an income of £179.80.

Rent is covered by housing benefit but because I'm on my own and under 35 and the place is adapted for DDs needs I only get the first £90 a week paid. My rent is £150 a week without HB.

Water rates are £15 a week and I top Gas and Electric up between £10 and £20 a week each depending on how much it's used. So for ease £15 a week each.

I don't drive but DD has an appointment in the next town in hospital at least once per week. Tickets are £6.50 return. I do claim them back from the NHS but it can take up to 8 weeks to get the money back.

Part of my tenancy agreement with the Housing Association is I have to have Contents Insurance Policy so I can't cancel that.

I shop in Aldi or Morrisons MIL works for the latter and gave me her discount card but I still seem to spend £45 a week on both me and DD H never ate what we did so that's not changed much that includes 16 pints of milk as DD drinks 2 9oz bottles of it a day (so nearly a pint a day, a 4 pint bottle is £1.05 I'm quite short and not strong so I buy them in 4 pint bottles) plus I like DD to have porridge for breakfast which I have with her. I also like tea! We buy 2 loaves of bread a week, and DD has to have a banana every night before she goes to bed (it's been the routine since she was 6 months old and she won't go to bed until she's had her banana). So that's £5.55 before I've even bought any meals. Happy to have any ideas how to make it cheaper. Aldi and Morrisons are the only ones in my town, but DM will take me to Tesco or Asda on a Saturday.

Thankfully my DM has bought me a prepay card for my prescriptions, as I'm asthmatic and have hayfever myself.

I do have a cat, but I don't want to have to get rid of her unless I have to as she keeps me company once DD is in bed at night and she also sleeps in DDs room and comes to get me if DD has a problem.

As of September DD will no longer be going to Nursery as my granddad is stopping the £30 a week her gives me to cover it when her free hours kick in this was always the agreement as he has 8 grandchildren and I'm the only one he helps in such a way so he says it's not fair, I tried to speak to Nursery about it but they expect you to use them for at least 2 days which is 22 hours they're open, you use 15 hours of those and pay for the remaining 7 plus meals so it'll cost me £30 a week to send her to Nursery for 2 days which I don't feel I can afford. She currently gets Emerging Needs Funding but that stops at age 2 because most children are either then getting free hours due to DLA or are fixed. Her DLA rate isn't high enough to get any extra funding for the Nursery. So she'll lose her Nursery place and will suffer for it. I'm looking round to try and find another Nursery for her to go to but so far no where has places or will take her due to her SEN and not having the funding to meet her needs.

DD also needs to go swimming at least once a fortnight to strengthen her hips or help them realign if they've dislocated again. The cost is currently covered by Nursery but if she loses her place I'll have to find the cost of that.

So my weekly spend looks like this:
Rent £60
Water £15
Gas £15
Electric £15
Bus Ticket £6.50
TV License £3.06
Home Insurance £5.50
Nappies (bought monthly) £2.50
Food and Toiletries £45
Cat food £2.35
Cat Litter (bought monthly) £1
Swimming (paid on a pay as you go basis) £4.50

That leaves me with around £5 a week, if I'm lucky because DD might need to go to another hospital appointment or something a week. So that means one toddler group a week too, as they're at least £4 a time here maybe, none at all. I'm looking in to free ones but most children go to Nursery aged 2 where I live so the free ones stop at around that age

What the hell am I going to do with DD? She already struggles with boredom on the 4 in 7 she's home. How do I manage when she's home 7 in 7?

I feel so awful for her. Had i waited to have she was a contraception failure then maybe H wouldn't have left us. Maybe I'd have been able to work and we'd be better off, I don't know .

I've messed up so badly, and I don't know how we're going to manage at all. I feel like a slowly sinking ship and it's only a matter of time until she's taken off me by social cuz I can't cope.

If you have the internet you could sit in the evenings and do surveys - it's time consuming but you can earn money for vouchers for boots or amazon.

I would try your health visitor again and show her your spending written down. But you should get health eating vouchers for sure.

You sound like you should be getting a food bank referral too (GP?) and my local church runs an informal one -
They are very good with helping out on their doorstep with food from the local shops and no travel involved to pick things up

We also have a local growing scheme where you can buy very cheap boxes of local fruit/veg - might be something near you?

Also local markets/grocers can be much much cheaper than the supermarkets - not for everything but if you know your prices ( and if you can go to markets late)

I hope it improves

Omg I read your thread and literally couldn't believe it. Can't believe I didn't put two and two together
I am literally so angry for you. I don't even know what to say.
I would Still report him to hmrc anyway. But I'm spiteful like that

www.gov.uk/report-cash-in-hand-pay
Stupid cunt.

Also if you get DLA you dont have to pay council tax,

if you open a CMS case, be aware you will be charged for it though, £20 I think.

You are an absolutely fantastic mum. You have not messed up, not one bit. Your daughter has got a smart, strong, switched on and committed mum and you are worth your weight in gold. I'm sorry things will be so tough and I have no advice on that, but I want you to know I think you're fab.

By the way, OP, this thread and your past thread show that you are exceptionally articulate. You are a great advocate for your daughter. He sounds awful. You will be able to cope, because you already are a coper and had done a lot for your dd. I foresee things will be tough, but keep knocking on all doors- getting reassessed again perhaps for DLA in a few months when your daughter's delay may register more significantly, contact the health visitor, approach your utilities about reduced payments, go to a food bank, go to the council for housing payments (I agree with whoever said get your MP involved, they cannot put you in a more expensive house to meet her needs and then not cover it with housing benefit!) I honestly think you can do this, there have been some great ideas on this thread, and you'd only need a few things to change for you to be managing just fine, which I think will happen.

Together with MN, I think you are amazing. You will get through this because you are spurred into action by your current difficulties rather than burying your head in the sand. You are eminently employable because of this personality.

Absolutely get yourself to college and rubber stamp these qualities with qualifications.

It's a tough few months ahead as you adapt and continue to get the right support on board. You have the tenacity to get it right.

It's OK to be dependent on family and friends while you work through this crisis because they will see that you are getting it right and will be proud to support you in that process.

Once you're through this crisis and you are your DD are settled life will be bliss.

Do not let DD's father back into your life to piggy back onto your hard work.

Ignore Cocklodger's advice about the TV licence, it's incorrect.

I also lived with cats all my life but it wasn't until I lived away from them for a good period of time that I realised how ill they made me. Hope you get this all sorted out it sounds awful.

You absolutely do have tk push council tax with DLA!

But, you can get a 25% discount as sole adult, as previous posters have mentioned. You can then get a further reduction due to the house being adapted for your daughter - either moving down a band, or if you are already lowest band, then a 10% reduction again.

Housing benefit is one thing; you can also apply for a discretionary housing grant from your local authority. This will top up your benefit to cover the actual rent; possibly not forever but for the now.

Reapply for dla and get someone go help you fill it in . There are charity that do that . Where do live roughly ?

Twitchingdog I'm in the midlands, north midlands. I had help from Pediatrician to fill it in last time.

In our town there is a Children's Educational Charity and when I was on a preschool committee I helped a sole parent make an application to them which helped to fund the element of the her child's preschool fees that was not covered by the free hours allowance.

It may be worth googling to see if there is something similar local to you or ask the parish/church council.

Firstly, youve not messed up . You are amazing!
Secondly, and im sure you have, but check your housing benefit(local housing allowance) . You are not single and under 35 as you have DD? You must get the 2 bed rate. Also as suggested apply for discretionary housing payments asap. X

As an example, the 2 bed LHA rate where i live is £175 per week. It is expensive area so just an example. Make sure DD is on your housing benefit claim as i am concerned that £90 per week is the wrong rate for your circs (not that i doubt you) x

I don't think you've responded to this from PPs, OP, but forgive me if I've missed it. If your Council Tax is paid up for April 17 - Mar 18 for 2 adults, you'll be entitled to a lump sum rebate of 25% for the remainder of the year from when he moved out. So if CT was e.g. £100 pm (going with round numbers for ease of maths!) you could claim back ~£25 x 9 months = £225. They'll take a bit of time to sort it, unfortunately, but even if your CT is only half that, it sounds like a lump sum of £100+ would go a long way.

You haven't messed up - he has - you sound incredibly resilient and a great mum.

OP contact Cerebra, they will help you redo the DLA forms and give you targeted advice for your dd and your area. You need their specialist knowledge to boost your confidence.

You are currently in the nightmare age group for sn - early days for a full diagnosis because all the professionals want to "wait and see", mother expected to bear the full caring load because "a child that age would need constant supervision anyway". This is wrong, your job is completely different to that of a neurotypical child and you deserve the support available to anyone caring for a family member regardless of age. To get this you are going to have to push and push and not take no for an answer, it is not fair but you will find things easier as time goes on.

I am in Scotland so things are a bit different here, some things that jump out though;

Your ex is a dick, he left so good riddance - get the CMS case set up and forget about it, ask your gf for the set up fee. Stop the "what ifs" and realise you dodged a bullet getting shot of him early on.

See if you are eligible for council tax benefit, tax credits, carers allowance, redo all the forms on the basis that you are reapplying for DLA and won't quit until it is raised. The wretched thing about DLA forms is you have to fill them in as worst case scenario, it is heart wrenching - get help to do the forms and always appeal if you don't agree.

Apply to the family fund, give them a call and see how they can help.

Our local hospital has a parent support office (charity run) which has local funding and can help with applications. They are also first to get tickets for local attractions etc to give out free from time to time.

Funding for a bus pass would be a big help from the sounds of things.

Local libraries have free toddler sessions every week here, do you have a library or community centre nearby with free stuff on?

Preschool sn provision has also decreased here but there is the option to attend hydrotherapy classes at the local sn schools - this was arranged through the physio - call yours and ask to use the facilities, badger until you get something! I would be tempted to call your local sn schools directly and ask if you can use their facilities, if they have classes you can attend with dd, if they know where you can get more information about local support.

Get over to the sn board - lots of lovely support there.

I know you don't want to give out too much info but if you want targeted area research for more options then pm me, I am happy to help. I have dealt with all this for 14 years and remember the horror of the initial years. Routine is really helpful.

You sound like you are doing an excellent job of parenting your dd, the finances suck but will hopefully get easier. You have accessible housing which is a huge bonus, you are intelligent and good at research, you are doing all the right things and not getting the right answers so keep asking until you get what you need. DLA is a lottery right now - appeal over and over until they see sense - the system is a disgrace, don't take it personally. Keep copies of every document you send so doing them over again is easier in future.

I would keep fights no for a higher rate of DLA, if you could get it up to middle rate then you can claim carer allowance which is a extra £60 a week.

You haven't messed up. 2 years ago I became a single mum, I have 2 dd's with disabilities (one on middle rate and one on higher), my dc's are older so we qualified for mobility (lower rate). I have managed to get a part time job which has helped a little.

Look and see if you are entitled to direct payments for your dd, this can go towards swimming lessons and maybe the extra child care.

Also I would email the messy playgroup and explain the situation, ask that they reserve you a place every week or fortnight or whatever and see if they would consider a sn only group since there isn't much for sn in the community perhaps?

Have you seen disabled social services yet ? They can help with nursery and funding - maybe direct payments as well

I haven't read the full thread yet, bust has anyone suggested contacting Contact A Family? www.cafamily.org.uk/advice-and-support/money-benefits-work-and-childcare/benefits-and-tax-credits/

They can do a full benefits check and offer advice.

Your contents insurance seems high to me, have you reviewed it recently to see if you can get it cheaper? Also look on uSwitch or one of the other comparison sites for you emery suppliers.

You certainly haven't messed up, you sound like you're doing an amazing job.

Are you getting the disability top up on your tax credits? Even LRC entitles you to a top up. Did you go all the way to appeal with the DLA claim? If you feel the award is not reflective of your daughters care needs then you can apply for a change of circumstances.

It may also be worth you contacting the children's disability team who are part of social services, they can asses yours and your daughters needs and see if there is anything else they can do. For example in my area one of the local special schools starts at age 2.

You are a remarkable young woman, I'm nearly twice your age and I am in awe of you. No financial advice, but I'm joining the throng of support on here for you

Oh and just to add - I completely understand you not wanting to get rid of your cat, pets add an amazing amount to your quality of life.

Definitely look at switching home insurance through a cash back site like quidco/topcashback I get buildings and contents (£500k building cover/£75k contents) for £12.12 per month and got £36.80 cash back and another who seconds the surveys it used to pay for our xmas prezzzies.

You sound really well organised and s brilliant mum

In a rush so many apologies if this has already been posted but ifor not, it may be helpful...

Contact your local Council children'should services team and ask about 'short breaks for disabled children' (or look on their website). These provide fun activities and care for kids with SEN while their parents have a break from caring and in my area, you would very likely be eligible.

Wish you the very best...you have not messed up and you are doing all you can. Keep going!