To think I've messed up badly?

[PeppaPigObsession]

I'm 25 and have a 2 year old DD. 2 weeks ago my husband walked out on us.

He's quit his job and refusing to claim benefits so no maintenance. And I'm just not sure how I'm going to cope.

My DD has a Global Developmental Delay, Hip Dysplasia, Squint, Hearing Problems and is Asthmatic. She gets lower rate DLA, and because of that she isn't entitled to the mobility element, she'll be eligible for that when she's 3.5 apparently. So £22 a week DLA.

I'll get income support of £73.10 a week and Child Tax Credits of £64 a week. So with Child Benefit of £20.70 a week I have an income of £179.80.

Rent is covered by housing benefit but because I'm on my own and under 35 and the place is adapted for DDs needs I only get the first £90 a week paid. My rent is £150 a week without HB.

Water rates are £15 a week and I top Gas and Electric up between £10 and £20 a week each depending on how much it's used. So for ease £15 a week each.

I don't drive but DD has an appointment in the next town in hospital at least once per week. Tickets are £6.50 return. I do claim them back from the NHS but it can take up to 8 weeks to get the money back.

Part of my tenancy agreement with the Housing Association is I have to have Contents Insurance Policy so I can't cancel that.

I shop in Aldi or Morrisons MIL works for the latter and gave me her discount card but I still seem to spend £45 a week on both me and DD H never ate what we did so that's not changed much that includes 16 pints of milk as DD drinks 2 9oz bottles of it a day (so nearly a pint a day, a 4 pint bottle is £1.05 I'm quite short and not strong so I buy them in 4 pint bottles) plus I like DD to have porridge for breakfast which I have with her. I also like tea! We buy 2 loaves of bread a week, and DD has to have a banana every night before she goes to bed (it's been the routine since she was 6 months old and she won't go to bed until she's had her banana). So that's £5.55 before I've even bought any meals. Happy to have any ideas how to make it cheaper. Aldi and Morrisons are the only ones in my town, but DM will take me to Tesco or Asda on a Saturday.

Thankfully my DM has bought me a prepay card for my prescriptions, as I'm asthmatic and have hayfever myself.

I do have a cat, but I don't want to have to get rid of her unless I have to as she keeps me company once DD is in bed at night and she also sleeps in DDs room and comes to get me if DD has a problem.

As of September DD will no longer be going to Nursery as my granddad is stopping the £30 a week her gives me to cover it when her free hours kick in this was always the agreement as he has 8 grandchildren and I'm the only one he helps in such a way so he says it's not fair, I tried to speak to Nursery about it but they expect you to use them for at least 2 days which is 22 hours they're open, you use 15 hours of those and pay for the remaining 7 plus meals so it'll cost me £30 a week to send her to Nursery for 2 days which I don't feel I can afford. She currently gets Emerging Needs Funding but that stops at age 2 because most children are either then getting free hours due to DLA or are fixed. Her DLA rate isn't high enough to get any extra funding for the Nursery. So she'll lose her Nursery place and will suffer for it. I'm looking round to try and find another Nursery for her to go to but so far no where has places or will take her due to her SEN and not having the funding to meet her needs.

DD also needs to go swimming at least once a fortnight to strengthen her hips or help them realign if they've dislocated again. The cost is currently covered by Nursery but if she loses her place I'll have to find the cost of that.

So my weekly spend looks like this:
Rent £60
Water £15
Gas £15
Electric £15
Bus Ticket £6.50
TV License £3.06
Home Insurance £5.50
Nappies (bought monthly) £2.50
Food and Toiletries £45
Cat food £2.35
Cat Litter (bought monthly) £1
Swimming (paid on a pay as you go basis) £4.50

That leaves me with around £5 a week, if I'm lucky because DD might need to go to another hospital appointment or something a week. So that means one toddler group a week too, as they're at least £4 a time here maybe, none at all. I'm looking in to free ones but most children go to Nursery aged 2 where I live so the free ones stop at around that age

What the hell am I going to do with DD? She already struggles with boredom on the 4 in 7 she's home. How do I manage when she's home 7 in 7?

I feel so awful for her. Had i waited to have she was a contraception failure then maybe H wouldn't have left us. Maybe I'd have been able to work and we'd be better off, I don't know .

I've messed up so badly, and I don't know how we're going to manage at all. I feel like a slowly sinking ship and it's only a matter of time until she's taken off me by social cuz I can't cope.

Another one who agrees that you do not sound at all like a rubbish mum, you sound like a good mum trying sensibly to find a way out of a rubbish situation. Sorry you are in this mess, I really hope you can find a way to keep your dd in nursery, sounds like you both really need that time. The whole 'free hours' thing is a total mess.

There is a Facebook group called feed yourself for £1 a day which could give you some ideas to help reduce your food bills.
Good luck with your future.

Have a look at the Gingerbread website mobile.gingerbread.org.uk/default.aspx
It's a charity that provides help and support for single parents. Give them a call they can provide expert advice.

Just wondering if it might be worth asking XH whether he would consider buying nappies & milk for DD if he can't give you maintenance right now? Or paying for her swimming? Does he see her at all? He might be more amenable to paying for something that's definitely for her and he must have some money even if it's just JSA. You're doing really well to survive on so little but your budget is so tight there doesn't seem to be any money for clothes & shoes, toys or equipment for DD, all of which are basic necessities. I would definitely consider a food bank referral in the short term if you can get one, some of them will have nappies too.

You should be entitled to Discretionary Housing Payments

Hi, definitely re apply for dla. My daughter has similar problems but gets higher rate for the personal care element, she has behavioural problems not yet diagnosed, hypermobile joints and can't walk long distance. If your child requires care during the night it will push you up to at least medium rate but possibly higher. Also when you get higher rate for the care element, your child tax credit goes up. So definitely think about reapplying. The benefit maximization team should help you, they basically filled my forms in for me.

Get on the phone on Monday to the council about C.Tax.

You are doing great, but Im sure you should be entitled to a bit more help

Hi everyone, sorry for the delay in responding DD had a rare nap so I took the opportunity to grab a bath and get some housework done.

Forgot to mention I do have Sky TV but that's going at the end of the month, although I'm keeping the landline and broadband as I use both regularly for sending emails, using MN, ringing various consultants, health visitors etc and it works out cheaper using my landline than my mobile. They cost around £10 a month but I am looking if I can get it cheaper. I'll be switching just to freesat at the end of July. I won't get rid of my TV License even if it's legal to do so as i'd rather be covered when I don't need to be than get a £1k fine for not being covered when I needed to be, plus DD loves to watch Peppa Pig before Nursery in the morning hence my username and watches In The Night Garden before bed at night.

My GF does pay for all of his grandchildren to have mobiles up to £15 a month each. I bought my phone outright a few months ago and am now on GiffGaff network. The nursery fees were on top of that. I will have a chat with him when I can to see if he'd still be willing to pay it even if for a few months.

STBEXHs friend is male, nothing going on there they've been friends since Preschool. Not sure how long it'll be before H comes crawling back. His Parents have disowned him.

I've emailed the finance manager at the Nursery to have a chat as she's upset that DD might have to leave when they've put so much effort in to her learning. Got a meeting arranged for Tuesday morning just so I don't have to find someone to have DD while I'm in the meeting as she'll be there anyway

PILs can't really afford to help me out, the council tax money came from some inheritance that FIL had and they suggested we put it on CT as that's the biggest chunk of our income gone. As a couple we were entitled to a grand total of 4p a month Council Tax Reduction. I'll contact the council on Monday about getting a reduction and refund as the refund will definitely fund a few more weeks in Nursery for DD. I'm also going to contact the housing office, since DD was born I've received Housing Benefit of around £35 a week but H was here and working so it wasn't really an issue. HB rate round here for a 2 bed property is £100 a week but until DD was 2 we were charged the bedroom tax as the local council thinks under 2s can share a room with their parents . I will be fighting it though as something needs to be done.

Local Library is only open 3 days a week now, will look into if they run any groups, hadn't thought to look there. Will also email the Childrens Minister at the Church and see if he has any suggestions for groups or if there's anyway I can get on the Messy Church Group.

Health Visitor made a referral to Homestart for me a few weeks ago but I've had a letter to say they don't have any volunteers in the area available right now and they'll send me another letter in the next 7-8 weeks to let me know what's happening.

My mum bought the Prepayment Prescription Card before H left it was bought at Christmas. I didn't know I'd be entitled to free prescription on IS so i'll definitely look into whether I can get the money back for that, it has around 6 months left on it.

Will look at the Facebook Groups suggested and also the websites suggested for meals and budgeting ideas. Will also contact Severn Trent Water about circumstance changes and the Water Meters suggested in the thread. I'm on prepayment gas and electric meters so not sure what could be done about those but will chat to my Utility Company.

Still don't feel like I'm winning. I know at any point STBEXH could take me to court to get contact although I'm not obstructing contact as MIL has her every other weekend and he could see her there. As for him looking after DD while I go to college or work there's no chance, due to his medical conditions (mentioned in previous thread I've linked) he can't look after her unsupervised. MIL works Tuesday-Friday so can't help out more, and my DM works fulltime 6 days a week so there's no help there, although my mum will feed me and have me stay over on the other weekend when DDs not at MILs.

I do actually have a degree, and worked all the way through doing my ALevels, a gap year and then through my degree and for 18 months after it. I got with H when I was in my final year (2012). I started feeling in September 2014, and the doctor signed me off while they ran more tests, and in November 2014 found out I was pregnant. Was quite ill during my pregnancy so never returned to work. DD was born June 2015. The plan always was that she'd start Nursery in September 2016 and I'd go back to work in October, but things didn't work out due to Hs shifts where he worked and DDs problems so I never returned to work.

I'd love to go back but haven't worked since September 2014 so not sure what my prospects would be.

If ex isn't working, or intending to, could he look after dd while you retrain or work?

LIZS no his medical conditions mean he can't be left unsupervised with a toddler as he can't run around after her or bend down properly, although I do think most of it is an excuse.

Are you paying any debt off through your prepayment meters. If you are talk to your untility company about lowering your debt recovery rate. Also apply through Charis Grants or British Gas Energy Fund (you don't need to be a BG customer) to have your debt paid off for you.

ineed no debt thankfully I always make sure I top up before it goes into debt

Peppa I did not want to read and run. Fiances are not my thing so no idea what to suggest there.

But what I really want to address is this...

"I feel so awful for her." It is not your fault that your husband walked, I would do all I could to claim the maintenance you are owed and do not allow him to blame you for his shitty behaviour.

Totally agree with Baggy, others and TeenAndTween " it's not you who has messed up, it is your H."

You sound amazing. I'm so sorry if this has already been covered as I haven't RTFT but in terms of free/cheap ways to entertain DD, in my city there are a lot of free groups run at community centres by HVs which welcome up to school age. The NCT also runs groups for babies-preschoolers, they ask for a £2 donation but will not turn anyone away (I used to help run one such group and it's the charity's policy).
Over the summer we have free play sessions put on by the city in the parks. None of this may apply where you are and I'm sorry if this is a useless post. Sometimes there are free hidden gems so if you have a local Mums page it might be worth asking on there?

The only thing I can contribute is look at your water bill, ours is less than yours and big house with 4 of us, you are doing an amazing job

OP I've sent you a private message (nothing dodgy!!), with some hopefully useful info.

I'd love to go back but haven't worked since September 2014 so not sure what my prospects would be.

you are 25 and have been 3 years out of work. lots of people take far longer breaks and go back. I wouldn't worry at all, esp at your age!

When dh lost his job a year's ago the council reduced our payments to zero from the date we spoke to them. We received a rebate for any overpayment we had made as it was the middle of the month.

Foodwise- Carrots, onions, Swede and potatoes are your friend with a bag of frozen peas and frozen sweetcorn.
day1. 3x chicken breasts- one for you and half for Dd, carrots, Swede, peas potatoes.
Day2. 1 chicken breast diced, carrots, onion, swede and potatoes cooked and added to gravy. Add sweetcorn. Use flour, Marge and water to make pastry and you have a chicken pie. Serve with peas and potatoes.
Day 3. Half the chicken breast diced, added to cooked veg, a jar of curry sauce served with rice.

These may not meet your 5 a day but they are cheap and filling. You can also add pulses to each mix as you build up a store of items.

Pepper as others have said it is not you whose messed up it's your ex partner. You need to contact citizens advice / child maintenance agency (or whatever it's called now) your DDs father needs to contribute towards her upbringing- whether he has contact or not he has a responsibility.

Sorry if I am repeating what others have already said but you sound bloody amazing! Even if things are a bit shit for a while nothing stays the same for long. That tosser ex will have to raise his head above the parapet eventually as he can't live on fresh air for long. When he does take aim and shoot the bastard where it hurts - In the pocket. (The Child Maintenance Clusterfuck or whatever it is called now are really really disorganised and soul destroying, but if you keep a note of whom you talk to on what date etc someone with half a brain will eventually help you get sorted).

Get in touch with Citizens' Advice as a matter of urgency - They seem to love doing benefits checks to see if you are getting all you are entitled to and will provide you with further sources of help.

With DD's health needs, you might be entitled to the Warm Homes grant, which is £120 or there abouts towards your electricity (paid over winter) and is a big help. I second the PP who suggested you get in touch with Healthy Start as you will qualify for vouchers and that £12.40p/m really helps particularly on the 'really poor week' I seem to have each month.

I read some of this thread this morning but couldn't reply (crap phone) so am not up to speed on the whole thread, but chin up, you are doing your daughter proud, and on the shittest weeks I've had as a skint LP I've just kept at it, based our social life around play dates at our house and others', park visits and other free entertainment.

If you have reasonably fast internet then how about buying to sell on Ebay? Even doing a teensy little bit here and there helps (feel free to PM me and I can advise you what to buy etc!!!). Don't underestimate the exhaustion and sheer overwhelmingness of going it alone and take any physical help you are offered and don't be too proud to call in a favour or two.

This too shall pass and you really do sound great and very level headed.

You sound a very smart and focused lady. Although things seem hard now, I do hope that things turn around fast for you. There are a few ways you could make a small amount of cash, mystery shopping, surveys such as YouGov etc. Good luck.

Hi OP I think you are doing an amazing job in extraordinarily difficult circumstances. It sounds like you have are incredibly sensible and resourceful. I hope all the other posters suggestions help to get you a bit more money. The PDSA should be able to help with any vets bills ( I think it's a really good idea to keep your cat) also if there's a local Facebook selling page for when your DD grows out of stuff. It's usually small amounts of cash without the fees of eBay ( though I do a lot of eBaying). I know it's a long way off but if you can just get your DD to school age while living frugally your options will be better. If there is a free cycle in your area it's worth knowing about if you have an emergency ( bust appliance etc ). Have you got any skills you could trade for something else? There might even be a website?! You have not messed up at all. I really hope things get better for you.

Peppa you are doing amazing job, you are really a smart person.

Just to add...
"Had i waited to have she was a contraception failure then maybe H wouldn't have left us." A failure of contraception is not your fault.

"Maybe I'd have been able to work and we'd be better off" you can still work now, you just need to find work that will pay enough for childcare, that is not easy I know that. But you can work towards that.

"I've messed up so badly" you have not, he has. he has walked out on his child.

please keep these negative and self blame thoughts at bay, they will not help you and they are not true!

"I don't know how we're going to manage at all. I feel like a slowly sinking ship and it's only a matter of time until she's taken off me by social cuz I can't cope." I am sure you can and will cope and you sound like a brilliant mum. No social worker would take a child off such a mum.

Others have give good (actually brilliant) advice.

My advice would be, Can you access:
career advice?
some support from any charities connected to your dd's conditions?
Churches for children's groups, food bank and other things

In the future I wonder if you may be better of getting a full time job and get dd into a good nursery that will give her what she needs while you build a career. I have no idea what work that would be, but the reason I suggest this is because I do know when you are getting benefits etc working part time may not be such as easy option.

You said you had a career going until 2014, so there years is a short break, I know people who got back into work after a 13 year break. It may or may not be he the same thing you were doing but just make sure it is one that makes use of your degree and has a real structure for advancement if you work hard.

Peppa "He's living with a friend and his friends parents who think the sun shines out of his backside so have told him he can live with them for free."

It is very sad that he is doing this and his friends parents are facilitating a grown man from getting out of his responsibilities to a small child. I do hope they will work out soon that the sun does not shine from his backside!

NotMyPenguin excellent post on page one.

"GF is my DMs dad and she's not happy that I get £30 a week when my brother doesn't so don't expect her to help"

That is unbelievable! Is your brother also looking after a small child with additional needs? If not, then in what way is it fair for him to be the cause of your not getting some tiny benefit!

Why doesn't your Grandfather give you £15 and your brother £15, then your brother could give you the £15 too if he has any sense!

Re "The squint in her eye does affect her vision and can cause balance problems." Does she have glasses yet? I believe glasses can help correct this. I am sure you have looked into it but it may be an age thing, they don't get them until a certain age, and they are free.

Hope things will improve, you sound like one amazing parent, never ever doubt, always believe in yourself.

You're amazing, op, truly amazing.

I can only tell you a bit about how to eat a bit more cheaply. Buy dried beans and pulses, they're pretty cheap and last for ages. It's a bit of a faff soaking them overnight, and then boiling them, but you can do them in larger batches. Make vegetable stews and things like that in batches, and freeze if you can. Maybe you can borrow space in your mum's freezer or your MIL's? There are loads of recipes on the internet.

I hope you get more help quickly. My thoughts are with you.

would inspire childrens services be able to help

I asked on page 2 don't think I saw reply. apologises if you did. Will she be going to an Sen school? most have sessions for children from 2.5.
I really hope you can find boosts to your income and be able to live with less stress very soon.