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Relationships

DH wants to leave...

64 replies

PeppaPigObsession · 26/06/2017 14:20

And of course I can't stop him.

I'm new to MN but have lurked for years on here so do know all the shortenings. This might be quite long as there's a huge back story:

We've been together 5 years, married for 14 months and have a 2 year old DD together well she's 2 on Wednesday.

DD was unplanned (contraception failure) and things haven't always been easy but I thought DH and I had a good relationship. DD has a global developmental delay of between 9 and 12 months, she has no words, is partially deaf, has a squint in her eye, and is asthmatic. She was also born with a hip dysplasia in both hips and didn't learn to walk until she was 22 months old, she's still very unsteady on her feet and can't walk very far at all - the doctors aren't sure if this is due to her hip problem which won't resolve itself - she spent 12 weeks in a pavlik harness from 8 weeks old and has also had numerous physio appointments, or whether it's due to her general delay. It's been a very worrying time, and I spend a lot of time at appointments for her.

Despite this, she attends a private day nursery 2-3 days a week, she's making a lot of progress - beginning to use Makaton and Flash Cards to communicate, and has a few friends she enjoys playing with. The nursery also works with a local specialist through school which DD may attend if her GDD turns out to be something more serious than just a delay, and she sometimes approx once a month goes over to the school with a couple of other children from nursery to have specialist help. She's generally a happy little girl, loves Nursery and is often invited to birthday parties and for play dates at other houses.

DH also has health problems. A urethral stricture, which means he uses a catheter, this has lead to depression and anger issues. I will say he's never ever hurt either DD or I. He gets very angry sometimes, smashing up doors, plates, the occasional toy.

I've put up with this because he's supposed to be having an operation to fix the problem plus he has counselling through the Bladder and Bowel UK Charity, and is on antidepressants.

We have a pretty good life. I'm a SAHM, although I'd love to work I can't because DHs hours are variable, and his shifts start at random and different times all the time, so I need to be available, plus DD generally has falls and accidents at Nursery that require me to take her doctors/hospital at short notice for her to be checked out - Nursery is mostly funded through Emerging Needs Fund and my granddad which pays for 1 day each, and we pay the extra £30 a week for her to attend 3 days.

DH works between 20 and 30 hours a week. He can;t work more due to his condition, and he can't be left unsupervised with DD as he struggles to run around after an energetic toddler.

This morning DH has come to me and said he's not happy. he hasn't been happy for years and he's leaving me. He doesn't know how it's going to work yet because he doesn't want to have to spend 3-4 hours a week with his mother who he doesn't like much, but gets on fine with me/DD so that he can see DD. He's too young (only 23) to be able to get a flat so he'd have a houseshare, and he doesn't want to live with anyone - he won't go to PILs as he doesn't get on at all with his dad, and his mum and him argue when living together. He told me that the way he sees it there's not enough money for everything and DD should be my priority.

I feel so lost. I love him, and I love being a family with him and DD. I have my own problems - asthmatic and I struggle with hayfever at this time of year, plus I can't drive - but I do keep things under control, and I can't see how him leaving us would help the situation at all.

I can't stop crying, poor DD keeps bringing me tissues. We have a housing association adapted bungalow as DD is terrified of stairs and may need a wheelchair so the house is already adapted if needed. I'm also worried that DH is reacting to temporary problems, as he should get his operation soon.

I can't stop DH leaving, but I don't think it's the best thing for us as a family.

Please tell me it'll be ok. And if I have to I will manage DD on my own? I'm so scared about getting her to appointments and to Nursery when I don't drive, and DH/FIL help me with that.

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 26/06/2017 14:29

You will cope. It will be fine. You're better off without a manbaby who has rages and breaks things. He's doing you a favour.

Adora10 · 26/06/2017 14:39

He gets very angry sometimes, smashing up doors, plates, the occasional toy.

Good riddance.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 26/06/2017 14:48

he doesn't sound very nice tbh, and presuming you are of an age with him then you have your whole life in front of you with an angry man....is this what you want for you and your dd?

I'd send him on his way, and let him "find himself" ..,more fool him to leave his beautiful family, and if he sorts himself out you can consider on what terms you may take him back.

BadHatter · 26/06/2017 17:35

Why is he unhappy? Are they relationship issues? Health issues?

chumpchange · 26/06/2017 17:41

I'm missing the point, but why is 23 too young to get a flat?

I agree good riddance to him. Smashing things up is domestic violence. Not hitting you doesn't mean he gets a free pass.

His health issues sound horrible. But theu don't mean that he's allowed to be violent.

Butterymuffin · 26/06/2017 17:42

Do NOT run around trying to sort out somewhere for him to go. His problem. Tell him he's quite correct on one point: DD is and always will be your priority. Concentrate on her and let him see whether the grass is greener (it won't be)

juneau · 26/06/2017 17:50

He's immature, selfish and violent and given everything else you have going on with yours and your DD's health, you can really do without his temper tantrums and moods. Tell him to leave if he's unhappy and please, stop worrying about where he'll go and what he'll do. It's his problem. You cannot make someone stay who wants to leave. In fact, the best thing you can do is hold the door open and say 'Off you go then'. Whether the grass is greener or not is his problem, not yours. Your DD is absolutely your priority and hopefully he/your FIL will still deign to help out when you need a lift, but if not, that's what taxis are for.

kittensinmydinner1 · 26/06/2017 17:53

Learn to drive OP. Then you will have no 'need' of this man-baby . As far as I can see, that is his sole use.

Seriously learn to drive. It will open up your world to one of incredible independence.

StormTreader · 26/06/2017 18:01

"He told me that the way he sees it there's not enough money for everything and DD should be my priority."

What does that even mean? What is he suggesting, that you move out somewhere because he doesnt want to share with someone? Sounds like thats a case of "tough luck, as you say DD must be the priority and this house is adapted for her future so we'll be staying, you go do what you like."

chumpchange · 26/06/2017 18:52

"He told me that the way he sees it there's not enough money for everything and DD should be my priority."

I agree with storm, what on earth does this even mean? That you should let him do whatever he wants to with the family money because all you should care about is looking after your DD? (Who sounds like a little fighter by the way, bless her.)

Wormulonian · 26/06/2017 18:54

So sorry this is happening. Are you on the tenancy agreement and can stay in the bungalow? You can check out entitlements on Turn2us and you should get in contact with your local charities for disabled children to make sure you are getting all the support you can.

Could some other parents help you out temporarily whose DC also go to the nursery ? Is the school within walking distance? Would there be any funding for travel given the change in circumstances?

Please stay in the bungalow as it is so difficult to find adapted homes and your DD's needs must come first. He sounds immature - he is an unhappy person and it is not your fault.

PeppaPigObsession · 26/06/2017 19:41

I'm a little bit older than him, I'm 25.

Didn't quite explain myself properly. We currently get housing benefit and so HB would only cover a room in a shared house for H due to his age. So he wants us DD and I to move out as my grandparents live near by and in his words "have a spare room" - they don't as my mum, aunts, DB, cousins and their children all regularly stay with them, plus my GPs are in their 80s, too old to be put on especially with a 2 year old in tow (they adore DD, but from afar. I'd hate for them to be disturbed at nighttime by DD).

We currently get DLA for DD and I claim carers allowence. The Nursery claimed the Emerging Needs Fund, and receive it to themselves but I do have a say on how/where it's spent. We also get Child and Working Tax Credits. H only earns just above minimum wage.

Yes he does want more freedom with money, he smokes, which eats away at his portion of the small amount left over at the end of the month - there's around £50 which I split in 3, £20 for DDs bank account, £15 for me and £15 for H, but he wants more as in his words he "works his ass off for nothing" - we have Sky TV with most of the channels (we're not interested in sports so don't have that and pay-per-view if we want a film), broadband and he also has an Iphone 7 on contract. Most of our money after bills goes on equipment for DD as her needs are constantly changing I don't want to commit to buying anything until we know for sure she'll need it/it'll be useful, so currently we hire a specialist pushchair, and an adapted step thing so she can use the sinks. She also has a wedged pillow for her bed which she was bought for Christmas as it helps her to sleep propped up, and an extra long bed guard as she has a habit of falling out of bed. We've also had to hire extra long stair/baby gates due to living in a place adapted for wheelchairs.

The school isn't in walking distance, it's about 20 miles away, but the Nursery take her their in their cars/buses - I provide the carseat for her to go though, as she already has one in Hs car. Nursery however is at the end of my road, so I can be there in about 10 minutes if I'm needed.

She's referred to two different hospitals for different things. One I can get to on a bus which isn't too bad (15 minute walk into town, 40 minute bus journey then a 10 minute walk) it's the other one thats a 10 minute walk into town, a 30 minute bus and then a 40-45 minute walk to the hospital as it's on the edge of the city that's the one I can't manage.

H can't cope with her really. She cries more than a normal 2 year old because she can't communicate and her understanding is lacking too so struggles to let us know what she wants, gets frustrated and cries. She also can get herself into some states coughing and crying which can in turn make her throw up. H can't cope with sick (he's emetophobic) and DDs frustration can cause him to get annoyed too. He doesn't like that I'm so calm with it even though I've told him that by getting frustrated ourselves it really doesn't help her. But like I said, she loves Nursery and only ever gets upset there when she leaves (more of a "no mummy, I want to stay with my friends" than anything serious). He also finds it upsetting that people will say to him "she needs to say thank you" or "sorry" which he knows she can't say.

But I do love him, when he's calm and attends his sessions he's great with her. She smiles and responds to him - even if he thinks she doesn't know who he is. I don't want to be on my own with her, she's hard work with Hs/PILs support, I couldn't do it without. H doesn't like that the only support my mum can offer is picking DD and I up once a week, going back to her house and then I have a long bath (DM has a whirlpool/Jacuzzi bath thing that I love!) while DM and DB watch DD in the next room - but my mum lives 40 minutes away and works 50 hours a week so can't do much more.

I can't learn to drive as we have limited spare money as I said above. I'd love to be able to drive though and it is on my list if I ever get the chance.

OP posts:
chumpchange · 26/06/2017 19:46

But he wouldn't get HB if you moved out, right, due to his age?

Or does he want you to commit benefit fraud, in addition to kicking his DD out of her specially adapted home?

I'm feeling really upset and angry on your behalf OP, I'm hoping I've misunderstood this.

Bluntness100 · 26/06/2017 19:49

Gosh, you sound like such a lovely person. You really do. Your husband sounds like an immature selfish wanker. He really does.

Tell him he leaves. Not you or your daughter. He's a grown man, he can make his own decisions. You may need to apply for help with your child, but you will cope. I can't offer much more advise, but I can say you probably will be better off without him.

user1497888420 · 26/06/2017 19:55

"He gets very angry sometimes, smashing up doors, plates, the occasional toy."

^^ It's entirely possible to have both a catheter and depression and not be a complete dick. I think you'll find that post-op he will just find something else to be angry about. He's the issue not his medical problems.

Gingerandgivingzerofucks · 26/06/2017 20:00

Do not move out! The house is already adapted for your daughter, so selfish, violent idiot man child can move out. How can you love a man who wants to kick you out to your grandparent's spare room? Jesus Christ, girl, wake up!! That is not what is best for your child.

Would you be entitled to a blue badge for your daughter to enable you to get a car? Please listen to the people telling you to learn to drive, it is liberating and would mean you could be far more independent and not relying on buses or SVIM (selfish, violent, idiot man) to tie you round.

inlectorecumbit · 26/06/2017 20:01

Oh and don't forget that he will have to pay child support for his DD too.

Don't you dare leave your home, he wants his freedom, he can have it but not at you and DD's expense.

RedPeppers · 26/06/2017 20:04

Please tell me he isn't thinking of not saying that you are separated but expect you to move out with dd whilst he has the house fir himself Angry

sleepyMe12 · 26/06/2017 20:07

Tell him to get fucked and to make sure the door doesn't hit him on the way out.
He would see his DD homeless even with her needs.
His a cunt.

garmsfresh · 26/06/2017 20:10

Why the hell would he see his own child move out of a home that's been adapted for her? What a selfish prick my love would of stoped right after he said that.

Materdolores · 26/06/2017 20:10

Have I got this right, he wants you and your daughter to move out of your specially adapted home and go and live in your GP's spare room? Because he doesn't want to have to deal with caring for a sick child or supporting his wife?
He doesn't love you, Peppa, nor does he love your dd.
He's an arse. Tell him to go.

Winifredgoose · 26/06/2017 20:37

Peppa he sounds so terrible, and you sound as if you are doing an absolutely amazing job with your dd. Surely if your pil have been supportive of you so far(giving lifts), they would continue their support, or even increase it, knowing their own son had left you and their dgd, especially as you say you get along with his mum.
I cannot imagine how yours and your dds lives could not be made worse in the long term by having such a selfish, angry man around. I truly cannot believe how selfish he is being in suggesting you move out. It is one of the worst things I have ever read in here.
Good luck Flowers, you are doing such a hard job so well.

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pinkdelight · 26/06/2017 20:38

Do not move out. Under no circumstances. He should go. He needs to by the sounds of it. He sounds deeply unhappy and in no fit state to be a decent father. He's too young and immature and just not up to it. No amount of prolonging things will help unfortunately. But that doesn't give him the right to dictate what happens next. God knows how he thinks your DD losing her specially adapted home is putting her first, but with that self-absorbed manipulative mindset from him, I'm afraid you're going to have to be the strong and smart one (which it sounds like you completely are, even under all this pressure), so don't let him get to you. He moves out and pays maintenance and none of these excuses about his parents or his accommodation or whatever are any of your problem. You've got more than enough on your plate being a wonderful mother. Take care and don't take any shit.

Butterymuffin · 26/06/2017 20:49

I'm sticking with my original reply. Tell him yes, your DD is your priority, so off he goes to deal with his own life if that's what he wants. But your DD is not losing out on her home by doing that and you and she are going nowhere. He's got some problems to deal with, for sure, but in no way does he deserve a home all to himself more than a young child with additional needs.

StormTreader · 26/06/2017 20:51

Oh I see, he wants to live in your house by himself while you and DD crowd into your GPs house. He probably thinks you wont need any money since your GP will feed you, so I imagine he'll get to have most of that as well.

And how long is he expecting that to go on for?

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