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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DF's autistic son at our wedding?

367 replies

majordilemma · 23/03/2007 17:36

The whole day is just going to stress him out. Unfamiliar environment, crowded, noisy, totally out of routine.

DF and I feared he would have a meltdown and made the decision that he would not attend. MIL and BM are now making noises about the decision and DF is thinking about changing his mind.

I am really stressed out with this idea now. MIL can't handle him when he has an outburst and I don't want DF to be outside the venue for hours on end calming him down etc. Obviously his son would be very anxious all day as well.

Help!

OP posts:
Tortington · 23/03/2007 17:37

i think you should refer the sole decision to your DF who knows her son. if you butt out it wont be your fault

powder28 · 23/03/2007 17:38

Who will lookafter him if he doesnt go?

Nbg · 23/03/2007 17:39

Could you invite a friend or family member of theirs so that he can come. That way if he has meltdown, they can take him elsewhere to chill or if its just too much for him, back home?

Califrau · 23/03/2007 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeviousDaffodil · 23/03/2007 17:43

is df a fiancee or friend?
If fiancee son should be there no matter what.

saadia · 23/03/2007 17:45

Won't BM be there?

DeviousDaffodil I think DF is fiance.

Original poster
majordilemma · 23/03/2007 17:49

sorry, DF is fiance

His son does not live with us, he lives with BM and her partner. We see him every other weekend on sat and sun (but not overnight as he cannot cope with that yet).

Wedding falls on weekend when we do not have him.

He is very particular about people and will only go in one car which son owns (well, its a mobility allowance vehicle) and has insured DH on so he drives that when we have him. I think going home with someone else would stress him more than the actual wedding.

OP posts:
DeviousDaffodil · 23/03/2007 17:51

Can his BM bring him for a bit just so he is on the photos?
He might feel sad that he is not on the photos in the future?
Don't knoe hoe severe hse is?

melminx · 23/03/2007 17:53

hi how old is the little boy? my ds is almost 5 and severley deaf with autistic tendancies o i understand about changes etc and only going in own car

shimmy21 · 23/03/2007 17:54

I'd say unreasonable not to invite. But if he is invited then there needs to be somebody who is completely responsible for him throughout the day as you can't have df having to take time out of his own wedding. Is MIL prepred to take on this role?

What about a compromise - could bm be asked to pick him up after part of the day or the ceremony so he's there but not long enough to be disturbed?

does he understand or have any views on the subject?

Blu · 23/03/2007 17:57

For better for worse you are marrying a man who has achild who is autistic. It is going to be so mmuch part of your life, and his child is his child. I have no idea about the logistics - how far away he lives etc, but weddings don't have to be planned to soe blueprint that is nothing to do with you or your family and family to be. Would it be possible to plan a wonderful wedding that enables your DF to actually pop out and take him home if he is upset?

Whatever is agreed, it will almost certainly be agreed much more calmly and to a better end if you can stop yourself stressing out over it. the potential here for indignation, stand-offs and battles for co-operation and power in decision making between your DF / MIL / /DSS'S BM are pretty potent!

Be prepared to be relaxed and flexible as your DF considers differnt solutions.

Original poster
majordilemma · 23/03/2007 17:58

Tbh, I don't really want BM there. Don't think BM would want to be anywhere near wedding either. She expects DH to pick him up and drop him off.

He is I suppose severly autistic with challenging behaviour (hair pulling and slapping at the mo). He has no verbal skills and has lots on rituals/ obssessions etc.

I suppose it is DF's call but I was kinda hoping we would spend our wedding day together, enjoying ourselves. We are only having 5 day honeymoon so DF can be back for sat/sun visitation so as not to upset his routine.

OP posts:
Original poster
majordilemma · 23/03/2007 18:03

Thanks Blu,

Unfortunatly wedding and venue all booked. DF decided that the logistics and potential for disater with his son were high so we chose a day that didnt clash with vistation arrangement and planned ahead.

Its only now that we are doing final numbers, MIL saw the guest list and flipped out. She then phoned BM and things have spiralled. DF is feeling hugely guilty and I am feeling guilty, annoyed and dreading the day.

OP posts:
misdee · 23/03/2007 18:06

unreasonable yes.

RTKangaMummy · 23/03/2007 18:07

What about asking the BM to bring him in his car and then leave him at the outside of the venue and DF collect him and bring him in helped by MIL

Then BM goes home in her other car {that she uses when you have the mobility car}

And then BM arranges to come back again 2 hours later or however long you think DSS will cope for

And if you have the mobility car at the venue then if there is a meltdown DF/DH or MIL can drive him home in the mobility car

How far is the wedding from BM house?

melminx · 23/03/2007 18:08

believe it or not you get so busy on your wedding day you hardly see each other! it is a very difficult thing being a step parent and even more challenging to have a step child with a disability. My ds has a nasty biting habit. i can completely understand not wanting bm there but what about someone else he knows very well a school teaching assistant? soneone you and he would be comfortable being with at the wedding but that takes the pressure of dh to be. if it was my son going to his dads wedding i would be near by should my son need me think bm needs to think of her ds needs. its a difficult one and i really feel for you

Aloha · 23/03/2007 18:13

hmm...I'd be really unhappy that MIL is stirring things with your dh's ex, tbh. In fact, I'd be livid. What a witch! However, that doesn't help your problem. How old is your stepson? Will he get anything out of the day at all? How big is the wedding? I would normally say that of course someone's child should be invited to their parents wedding - plus I'm a stepmother, a wife and mother to a child with Aspergers. But I can also see the problem if the child will hate every minute.

Aloha · 23/03/2007 18:14

What does your stepson's mother (not "birth mother" as some people find the term annoying when applied in circs like this) really want to happen?

Lucycat · 23/03/2007 18:15

ok butting in here - feel free to ignore but I really can't abide the term BM - it's his mother

Original poster
majordilemma · 23/03/2007 18:15

Oooh, thats a good idea Melminx - I could maybe think about asking his keyworker to be his escort.

Not sure about the transportation thing though, BM would have to drop off and pick up....would really like DF to be able to enjoy champagne reception!

Not sure the actual ceremony would be the best time....what about timed coming after ceremony and leaving before the meal?

Cant help feeling BM is making fuss because she would like her son to 'spoil' our day. I also wonder whether its actually fair on son to have to get stressed out.

OP posts:
powder28 · 23/03/2007 18:17

I agree the BM should be at the wedding to look after her son while you enjoy your day.
Everyone needs to put aside their issues for just one day.
Dont feel guilty, weddings are very stressful.

misdee · 23/03/2007 18:17

'Cant help feeling BM is making fuss because she would like her son to 'spoil' our day. I also wonder whether its actually fair on son to have to get stressed out. '

its your DF son as well.

can you do some wedding pics with him before the ceremony?

CODalmighty · 23/03/2007 18:17

bm
DO YOU EMAN
HIS mother

Original poster
majordilemma · 23/03/2007 18:21

Son is 12

Sorry about the BM term...thought it was like DH, BF, DD etc. Don't like the woman but do accept she is his mother.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 23/03/2007 18:22

it seems a pity not to have him there...I can't imagine a mother getting married without her children there if at all possible and should think it would be the same for dad

even to the extent of making the day more child friendly, quieter, fewer people etc

but then I am quite child centred generally

it is a pity if it is causing tension already hope you resolve it