to not want DF's autistic son at our wedding?

[majordilemma]

The whole day is just going to stress him out. Unfamiliar environment, crowded, noisy, totally out of routine.

DF and I feared he would have a meltdown and made the decision that he would not attend. MIL and BM are now making noises about the decision and DF is thinking about changing his mind.

I am really stressed out with this idea now. MIL can't handle him when he has an outburst and I don't want DF to be outside the venue for hours on end calming him down etc. Obviously his son would be very anxious all day as well.

Help!

yep I'm who you think i am When are you moving down here???

Another great source of info is jessica kingsley publishers. Loads of ASD books. I loved Lucy's Story - written by a non-verbal autistic woman. All the Donna Williams books can be found here as well, and loads others.

good luck MD! We had a big wedding in a stately home, and I have to say I think ds1 would have added to it! There's nothing like a bit of autistic unpredictability to make people laugh (ds1 would be sniffing the guests), but I would have ensured that someone very able to cope with him was looking after him. Far too stressful otherwise (I'd be worried about him getting lost/out onto a road etc).

sounds like a nightmare. sorry you're at your parents but a bit of space may allow your DF to work out what he needs to do here. Hope it all works out.

hope you & dp can sort things out so that everyones happy. it sounds to me like you'll be a great step mum . slightly worried that it sounds as though your dp hasn't the balls to stand upto his mum & ex though no offence meant

Don?t think I can realistically add anything to what has already been said here, but it sounds like there are a lot of issues here which go way way beyond your dss? autism.

Tbh, the wedding day is just the beginning of your lives together, and it?s not the day that makes a marriage.

You and your df need to have a serious chat about the future, and how you both see things. You say that he?s been reluctant to have children because of how this will affect his ds, is it possible that it goes further than this? Is it possible that he?s afraid that you might have another autistic child? It sounds as if he and his ex have found it difficult to come to terms with their ds? disability, and this could be an underlying reason for not wanting to have other children. But it?s something that?s very difficult to admit, because if you admit to not wanting to have another child because of disability then it can feel as if you?re denying your existing child iykwim?

Have no advice re the actual day, and think Jess has covered that perfectly anyway , but I do think that the future needs to be discussed in full with the wedding day forming only a small part of that.

Good luck.

I don't quite understand the need to have your children at your wedding tbh. Regardless whether they are autistic or not.

My brother married last summer and having witnessed their children's distress from their previous marriages (six boys between them), i just think it woudl have been so much better to go off somewhere quietly together, without rubbing their kids noses in it. The younger ones particularly were very upset to see their mother marrying another man.

This situation is obviously different, so I hope you find a solution x

poor you. You've been trying really hard to be a good stepmother. In my view having thought about what is best for your family your fiance shouldn't let other people change his mind now. If there is to be a practise for the wedding I'd invite the boy to that. There will be other occasions when you can stretch his boundaries but having decided this was not the time to start it would be wrong to change now.

This fuss is about how the adults feel, not about what is good for the child. Long term he would be lucky to have you in his life, I hope you resolve the issues.

I really hope everything turns out ok for you MD. How awful to have all this worry so close to your wedding, just when you thought you'd got it organised and running smoothly. I think you must love your fiance very much to have put up with these restrictions for so long. It's wonderful that you've put so much into accomodating your stepson's autism and welcoming him into your home but having to put off having a baby in case it upsets him is asking too much IMO. And to say you'd have to take your future children out when he visits is just ridiculous! Does the family expect to 'protect' him from new experiences for the rest of his life? Anyway I can't see that he would necessarily be upset by the presence of a baby, if he is anything like my ds he would probably just ignore it. I don't suppose every single thing in your home has been exactly the same every time he has visited over the years and he's survived so far!

haven't read the whole thread but when my cousin got married they didn't want her dh's son there. he had just turned 4 and they felt that he would have wanted to be with his dad all day and got in the way and they wouldn't have had as good a day. in the end it was ok cos it turned out he was on holiday with his mum anyway.

also same cousin has a brother with disabilities. he can't speak and is basically a baby inside a man's body. i'm sorry if that offends anyone i don't know how else to put it. anyway quite often people don't invite him to things because we know his mum wouldn't bring him anyway. he hates lots of people in a small space and it really stresses him out. when he does come he normally ends up leaving after just a shot while. they have a carer who helps look after him so it doesn't ruin his mum and dads time if he has to leave.

MD,

I really sympathise with you - your dilemma, is, indeed a major one.

Having said that - I believe this whole situation can be simplified with one question i.e. What is the worst thing that could happen if DSS came to the wedding?

It sounds like your main worry is a "major meltdown" biting/kicking/screaming and that your DP would need to deal with this, thereby sacrificing the enjoyment of his/your day and that you would not enjoy your lovely wedding.

There are two simple solutions:

1: exclude DSS
2: invite him and his mum

I can see both sides of the story here - I totally understand your DF's need to satisfy all parties. Poor man is torn in even more directions than you are. I can say as a mother that my childrens' needs always come first though, so try not to be too hard on him for not being stronger with his ex/MIL and his need to be seen as a good dad (it's natural for most parents).

So if you go with option one - be prepared to "force" DP into making the decision and enforcing it - this may lead to problems and imo is not a great way to start married life.

Personally, I would go with option two. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your DP sitting down with his ex and explaining that it's his & your day and that whilst DSS is always welcome, it is one day where he cannot take exclusive responsibility for their child. FWIW I think that when this little boys mum realises how potentially upsetting it may be for her son, she will naturally put his best interests first and make arrangements to suit.

This only leaves you to accept that your DP's ex will be at your wedding or at least be taking part in some of the celebrations. Not great, admittedly, but you will be naturally bound to her forever because you will be sharing the care of a child with special needs. It sounds as if you are already 200% aware of what this entails so it may be less of an adjustment than you think.

Lastly, don't punish your DP. It sounds like he is doing his utmost to accomodate everybody. This is difficult at the best of times, throw a wedding into the mix and it becomes an almost impossible task.

My longwinded point is that if you take a less complicated view of the situation you may find that the solution is not imposisble to achieve after all.

Dejags - what you suggest is absolutley spot on, however it appears that there is a bigger problem - ie any future children.

MD before you make any major decision, I think you need to sit down with DF and explain that you taking your children away every other weekend to accomodate DSS is simply unacceptable, as someone else has already said, he can't be sheltered forever and this is something that he will have to get used to as it will be part of everyday life, although it would be good to get him to go to weddings in the future, I just don't think yours is the best one to start him off on if there is no one else to take responsibility for him.

I really hope that it works out for you, don't forget ALL weddings are stressful, especially the closer it gets to the actual day, you just have more stress than normal. Good luck.

oh I hadn't spotted that Mishw.

In the event of a new child - I think your DP will have to accept that a new baby will be just as much part of the family as his son. Expecting you to leave twice monthly is just crazy (sorry to be blunt).

If this is non-negotiable with him, well then I think you do have a problem .

Keep us posted.

How are things today MD?

I do hope you and DP are working it all out.
I know he loves his son but that one child is not the be all and end all of the world, and it is unfair to expect you to give up having your own child for fear of upsetting his son.
It seems unfair on the mothers new partner and his children as it is.

I think as MIL cant cope with the needs of this little boy and his mother is still demanding your DP collect and return his son and she wont come to the wedding to help then all you can do is put your foot down and say he can not come to the wedding. Why should your DF spend his wedding day driving back and forth? You are not asking for much just one day for crying out loud.
MIL and BM will get over it, and if DP is so worried about his EX and what she thinks maybe you should remind him why she is his ex and you are about to become his wife.

MD????????

Gess, glad I guessed right

As for relocating, I keep looking and applying for jobs, had interview for another in December but didn't get it. Not that many jobs I can apply for in your neck of the woods.

sorry for hijack!

MD how are you?

Well, thought I'd update as you've all been so kind.

DF and I approached M about possibility of approaching some of sons school staff about escorting him to the wedding.

She wasn't enthralled but agreed to discuss the possibility. So DF contacted them and school have basically said we could approach the staff but it would be a 'contract' between us and the individuals...so his keyworker agreed but can't make the wedding date (its less than 4 weeks away now)and other staff have been less than enthusiastic about it.

So to cut a long story short I just told DH to 'deal with it' however he wanted as I seemedto be the only one trying to solve the problem, did all the approaching of the support staff etc

so by yesterday he's still trying to avoid dealing with anything and I force him to phone ex and turns out she seems to be adopting a 'whatever' approach as well. So DF casually informs me that 'they've' decided to leave things as they are.....sigh.......

Today I still feel stressed by the whole thing and slightly guilty that I'm relieved. Also totally questionning whether I want to make a commmitment to this or not. I thought I was an equal decision maker and the fact that another woman can have such an effect on my relationship and future marriage has really shook me.

Hoping it is cold feet and I'll feel better in a day or do. meanwhile, the whole joy of planning the day has been ruined. Sorry but thats how I feel....very very despondent.

MD - actually i think you have mad a major achievement here.

By making a pro-active intervention and taking responsibility for sorting out everyone else's lac of practical solution, and then them arriving back at square one, you demonstrated how feeble and thoughtless they were all being.

Have you talked with DF about the power of MIL and M's influence?

I think, although very disappointing to have 'ruined' what should have been an exciting time, you have actually put yourself in a strong position should there be any future 'problems' re your SS.

You have shown yourself to be flexible, and willing to accommodate things, but, that you are more than capable of taking charge of the situation, and, should push come to shove - wont take any crap.

Thats good. Your DH owes you though.

well you faced it head on and tried to make other people do the same which i think is very admirable

on the other bit about an ex having a say

I started a thread on that a few weeks ago thinking it was something that would resonate with a lot of people on mn..just how do you manage a relationship with your ex when you have tried to move on and no one really responded

So sorry to read that you feel like that. It's been a very stressful time for you as if organising a wedding's not bad enough. Just put it to one side now. You did your best and cannot be blamed for your dh's reluctance to sort it out.

Push it to one side and now look forward to enjoying your special day.

md, if you're at all unsure then do take time to think baout it. It's a big thing to marry someone who already has children and asn't he saying if you had your own babies when his son visited you'd have to vacate your home with your children? None of that sounded very good. Weddings can easily be postponed for six months. Divorces as I know only too well can be dreadful.

Agree with Xenia

I can really understand why you feel so shaken in your fiance's ability to put your relationship first. I assume his MIL and ex don't influence decisions apart from those to do with his son, so it's more to do with his son isn't it? But this, as you have seen, impacts on things a lot.

Can you talk to your fiance in a few days time when things have settled? Would it help to tell him again, very clearly, that you see marriage as a commitment, and in your case that includes a commitment to try for a baby definitely sooner than 5 years away. Tell him you accept his past but want to build a future with him - a future that includes a new family, and if he does not want to build a family with you, what is he marrying you for?

Also tell him the risks of complications arising as you get older gets bigger (if this is true, don't know your age) and you don't want to take the risk. If he can't commit to trying for a baby because of his son or any other reason, now is the time to say it, not after the wedding.

Looking on the bright side, he sounds like someone who takes his parenting responsibilities very seriously. So if you and he have a baby together, he may well change his idea about his baby and the mother of his baby leaving the house when his older son visits.

I hope you can get it sorted, and feel better about things between now and the wedding. You have behaved so well - he is lucky to have you.