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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want DF's autistic son at our wedding?

367 replies

majordilemma · 23/03/2007 17:36

The whole day is just going to stress him out. Unfamiliar environment, crowded, noisy, totally out of routine.

DF and I feared he would have a meltdown and made the decision that he would not attend. MIL and BM are now making noises about the decision and DF is thinking about changing his mind.

I am really stressed out with this idea now. MIL can't handle him when he has an outburst and I don't want DF to be outside the venue for hours on end calming him down etc. Obviously his son would be very anxious all day as well.

Help!

OP posts:

Socci · 23/03/2007 18:23

Message withdrawn

Original poster

majordilemma · 23/03/2007 18:24

yes I know he his DF's son as well.

FGS I don't like term skid so used son instead as in 'their son'. Have also been reprimanded for using BM - though was accepted message board lingo.

OP posts:

ScummyMummy · 23/03/2007 18:24

Can't you elope for an hour or so and do it just the 2 of you without any close family? Agree with aloha- in normal circumstances he should be there no question but it does sound like he might find it horrendous. i think custy is also right that it should probably ultimately be your fiancee's decision.

margoandjerry · 23/03/2007 18:25

I know this is not strictly relevant to your situation but my father did not invite me, at age 12, to his wedding 26 years ago, and I have never forgiven him.

I can see that there are difficult logistics to manage and the son might actually be happier if he didn't attend but I fear your job as stepmother is to be (or pretend to be) delighted if he's there and to be glad you've married such a caring man if he has to spend hours outside with his son.

Sorry. Really difficult situation for you.

Blu · 23/03/2007 18:27

I can see that his M may well not want to be at the wedding - and agree with Aloha - your MIL had no business stirring it with your DF's ex. If she had issues about her grandson not being there she should have communicated that to her own son not to her exDIL!

Oh dear!

Two pov, really - one, your DF invites his son to his wedding on a day when it is his ex's turn to look after him over the w/e - so it is the M's chpice about how she does that, maybe including doing the driviving, fethching and caring for him
two - it is a bit much for the ex to be expected to do all the fetching, carrying and nminding for an event which she hasn't (as far as we know) been invited to, and would feel at best, uncomfortable with.

One may be closer to how everyone feels in your circumstances.

But i suspect that employing his keyworker as a freelance carer for the day may well be part of the best way forward!

Original poster

majordilemma · 23/03/2007 18:27

We are not pretending he doesn't exist

OP posts:

DimpledThighs · 23/03/2007 18:28

You can't not invite him - it is not right.

sorry but I think that it would be wrong to leave him out.

ScummyMummy · 23/03/2007 18:28

Employing his keyworker for the day is a great idea.

zippitippitoes · 23/03/2007 18:30

if you get and married and already have children then there is always the risk that they might need attention during the day

you have got a chance tomake it as lovely a day for everyone as possible by accepting dh might have to pay him a lot of attention if mil struggles..is there a fill as well? or any other family?

ScummyMummy · 23/03/2007 18:31

Can you include stuff he loves at the reception as well?

Twiglett · 23/03/2007 18:31

Is there no way you could accept your SS's mother at the wedding?

I can see your problems and to me you seem to be thinking on behalf of the child as well .. a celebration event like a wedding could, in my understanding, be severely confusing to a child with severe autism and would not be a celebration to him

are you on good enough terms with his mother and her partner to sit down and work out what would be best for him ..

LucyJones · 23/03/2007 18:32

You are being unreasonable.
You and your finacee should invite him.
Are you going to leave him out of all social occasions? Future children's christenings, important birthdays etc etc?

noonar · 23/03/2007 18:32

margo, i had a similar exp aged 8. my dad didnt tell me till afterwards.

let him come, with someone to support him. i di understand your concerns, but its not fair to exclude him. good luck.

madmarchhare · 23/03/2007 18:34

Yikes, very tricky situation. I think ultimately you have to leave to decision to your DF and his DS's M. Sounds like a good idea to involve key worker.

noonar · 23/03/2007 18:35

ps would it b totally unreasonable for him to join you after the actual ceremony, so taht df can really focus on you at that moment?

Original poster

majordilemma · 23/03/2007 18:36

Yes, I am cross at MIL for getting involved. She still likes to pretend that his son is merely 'difficult' or 'troubled'. MIL never really accepted the ASD diagnosis and tries to make DF feel guilty for leaving ex (way way before I came on the scene btw and before the real extent of sons problems were realised).

Would love to elope.........unfortunately have booked and almost paid for everything.

OP posts:

tortoiseSHELL · 23/03/2007 18:40

Apologies if this has been suggested already - if I were you, this is what I would do.

I don't know what time your wedding is, but how about explaining the circumstances to the vicar/registrar, and asking if you could have, say, 20 mins before the service, when you could have a private ceremony of sorts, that includes your df's son. Then, he needn't be there with lots of people, which, if he's like my friend's son, is what he really can't cope with. If his mum were happy to take him home after, perhaps your df could collect him from his home, and it could be a special time for you, your df and his son, with photos etc.

That's what I would do, if he would find the main ceremony hard.

zippitippitoes · 23/03/2007 18:41

it is honest of you to say that you actually don't want him there

maybe you need help to come to terms with him being part of the family ...it must be hard and how involved is your df with his son normally?

how do you manage normally when he stays with you..or are you very hands off or even upset and scared?

Original poster

majordilemma · 23/03/2007 18:46

see, its not an issue of keeping our wedding a secret from his son. He has been told we are getting married but we have no idea how much of that concept he understands.

Other celebrations?? Well until now we have avoided all celebration type things as it seems to increase anxieties, e.g. we remove xmas tree/ cards etc when he's due to visit. I imagine a birthday party would be particularly unpleasant for him. He dislikes TV, music, roadworks, dogs barking, phone ringing, too much conversation,

He likes clocks, picture books, wheels and spinning objects. He may not even get out of the car at the wedding venue if he doesn't like the look of it.

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 23/03/2007 18:47

He should be there just like noisy babies should be there. I took ours to my brother's wedding but on the basis I'd remove them if they caused noise and they stayed in the hotel room nearby whilst we did the evening dinner bit.

powder28 · 23/03/2007 18:53

We had a civil ceremony and the only baby there was my niece.
Im going to a wedding in August without the kids. To be honest im looking forward to a night off!

quadrophenia · 23/03/2007 18:53

but is it not really unfair to put a child in a situation where he might be severely distressed and have a meltdown just because its the done thing to do.
I think you are being reasonable and thoughtful on this and wish you every luck with your big day xx

zippitippitoes · 23/03/2007 18:54

is it you don't want him there and have persuaded df to agree and now he is torn by his mum in the other direction?

or is it you do want him there but he will be anxious?

Judy1234 · 23/03/2007 18:57

I'm sure it's not easy but it kind of shows acceptance if he's there and that you appreciate he comes with your new husband as part of the package. Indeed he might live with you full time in due course anyway depending on how things develop.

aol · 23/03/2007 18:59

Why don't you just say to mil that it is a marvellous idea and would she kindly undertake to look after her grandson and make sure that he is happy and looked after and doesn't disrupt the wedding......?

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