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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DF's autistic son at our wedding?

367 replies

majordilemma · 23/03/2007 17:36

The whole day is just going to stress him out. Unfamiliar environment, crowded, noisy, totally out of routine.

DF and I feared he would have a meltdown and made the decision that he would not attend. MIL and BM are now making noises about the decision and DF is thinking about changing his mind.

I am really stressed out with this idea now. MIL can't handle him when he has an outburst and I don't want DF to be outside the venue for hours on end calming him down etc. Obviously his son would be very anxious all day as well.

Help!

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 23/03/2007 19:01

the thing I find hardto come to terms with here is your thread title

stleger · 23/03/2007 19:01

I hate 'no children' weddings. But i can see your stepson is a different scenario. A crying baby can be carried out, an upset 12 year old may well be less 'portable'. I hope the keyworker is a good solution and you can all have a good day.

aol · 23/03/2007 19:01

But it is honest Zippi. If he was not autistic, there would be no worries about him enjoying the wedding, surely?

Socci · 23/03/2007 19:04

Message withdrawn

zippitippitoes · 23/03/2007 19:04

I said it was honest

and wondered if op was going to need some help not just for the wedding but in future too

RTKangaMummy · 23/03/2007 19:05

I think comparing taking a baby or a toddler to a wedding and taking a 12 year old autistic child is not really fair on OP

A baby or toddler won't really care about the noise and smells and people but her SS will

If he likes clocks and spinning fans etc and things that are ordered and regular then the day may be a nightmare for him

Have I got this correct?

So I think saying that people have experience with babies etc is being rather unfair on her isn't it?

quadrophenia · 23/03/2007 19:05

I know what you mean Zippi the title is harsh but throughout the thread majordilemma has been very articulate in discussing her concerns most of which are very valid. I don't think its so much about exclusion but as whats best for him, if its going to take hours ta calm him down (as expressed in the op) why on earth put him in that situation just for inclusion purposes.

AnnabelCaramel · 23/03/2007 19:08

What a horrible dilemma. You and your dh should sit down and thrash out what the day means to the two of you, and what decisions you think you can/cannot live with in the future. There is no easy answer to this, but I hope you end up having a lovely day.

zippitippitoes · 23/03/2007 19:10

that's why i was trying to unravel things a bit..I can see the dilemma and I can see that different people in the family are confronting head on a hard fact of life

VeniVidiVickiQV · 23/03/2007 19:11

You are being unreasonable. He will be your stepson and part of your life. You are going to have to get used to that sooner or later. His mother, whether you like her or not, is the one who is probably best at deciding whether or not he should be there. She clearly feels its okay. So you should too.

I dont think this is a particularly good example of starting as you mean to go on, is it? You knew what you were taking on when you agreed to get married.

As long as someone is there to take care of him on you and your DF's behalf - you cant be expected to do that yourself on your big day - granted - you'll have many other things to worry about.

quadrophenia · 23/03/2007 19:14

but therin lies the problem QV, other than the groom there doesn't seem to be anybody who can deal with the potential fallout and distress, can you not see why this may be a bit more than trying to exclude her ss

zippitippitoes · 23/03/2007 19:15

that is being a parent though

VeniVidiVickiQV · 23/03/2007 19:16

I think MIL has nominated herself for that one, hasnt she.....???

quadrophenia · 23/03/2007 19:17

its all very well that she has nominated herself but if she isn't capable then the poor child, why put him in a situation that upsets him, I don't get it?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 23/03/2007 19:17

and his mother???

VeniVidiVickiQV · 23/03/2007 19:18

no, but neither does mil.

tortoiseSHELL · 23/03/2007 19:18

If he will really find it upsetting and stressful then I don't think it's fair to have him there in the interests of 'inclusion' - if he will gain something positive from being there then yes, have him.

Judy1234 · 23/03/2007 19:18

Hire someone to take him out if needs be at difficult times, like his teacher from school then. My brother and his family apparently hated babies. I would not have been happy had he excluded our 7 month twins. I didn't say that because it was his wedding adn I think he realised it might be a bit much to exclude his sister's children from the wedding. It was more stressful having them there particulrly when I went up to sing in the organ loft and had to leave them with their bother and sisters but it was okay and it was part of the family really. In other words the principle of everyone being there was more important than no one making a noise.

One solution is to have him there for short periods so someone bring him just for part of the service or all of it and photographs but not say in the reception.

quadrophenia · 23/03/2007 19:19

I guess if you were his mother you may feel a bit uncomfortable to say the least at seing your ex marry someone else.

zippitippitoes · 23/03/2007 19:20

it's really for the [people who know him well to discuss

quadrophenia · 23/03/2007 19:21

But xenia, wouldn't the inning and outing be really disruptive, i think to have him there for periods could really be upsetting, just when he's calm they take him back. It all strikes me as a bit of a token gesture which benefits nobody really certainly not him, for the sake of a few photos

AitchYouBerk · 23/03/2007 19:21

have you been married before? weddings aren't usually that brilliant for the bride and groom, they're usually apart doing hosting duties anyway. if you can't get the keyworker (the best idea so far imho) then can you accept that the boy will be there, that he will demand your new husband's attention and make sure that you've got a good friend or two who can help you with the hosting side of things?

the boy is your family, and i know you know that, so he has to come. it's just a question of managing his attendance with the least upset for him and you and df. even an hour at the wedding reception and then home? will his mum not help out at all with dropping him off and picking up?

quadrophenia · 23/03/2007 19:22

yeah Zippi you are right I did actually feel abit uncomfortable typing that post sorry

reason I'm posting on this thread as two friends of mine with an autistic son, didn't have him at their wedding and we talked about it at length.I really can see all the dilemmas here and I wish you all well.

zippitippitoes · 23/03/2007 19:23

how long is the ceremony if it's a civil one it is very brief and quiet

after that things are pretty flexible any way

Pann · 23/03/2007 19:24

it isn't about inclusion for the sake of it pure and simple, is it? He is a member of the family. I would feel extremely unhappy if he were to be not there as he proves 'difficult'. From the sound of it he can be managed on the day in the way offered on here. Agree with all that QV states. Could glibbly mention the marriage vows. But won't.

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