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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DF's autistic son at our wedding?

367 replies

majordilemma · 23/03/2007 17:36

The whole day is just going to stress him out. Unfamiliar environment, crowded, noisy, totally out of routine.

DF and I feared he would have a meltdown and made the decision that he would not attend. MIL and BM are now making noises about the decision and DF is thinking about changing his mind.

I am really stressed out with this idea now. MIL can't handle him when he has an outburst and I don't want DF to be outside the venue for hours on end calming him down etc. Obviously his son would be very anxious all day as well.

Help!

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 23/03/2007 20:04

My question goes to anyonewith "autistic experience", not just Greeny

Greenshoots · 23/03/2007 20:04

Sorry, but "it might be upsetting for people to watch" isn't good enough. Children like your stepson (and my brother, and Peachy's son, and many other MNers children) used to be permanently shut away in institutions for exactly that reason.

What are you going to do about future family events? He isn't going to change - so you'll have to change your expectations.

SherlockLGJ · 23/03/2007 20:04

But surely you arrange for him to be there and you arrange a contingency plan. If he needs to leave it will be unfortunate, but the OPs DF will have a clear conscience.

SoupDragon · 23/03/2007 20:06

I wouldn't exclude him if his parents thought he could cope and if he would get some enjoyment out of it. I wouldn't wheel him out for the sake of it if he would really have a hellish time.

Greenshoots · 23/03/2007 20:07

It's a fair point Soupy, but my answer to it would be that she and her DF should adapt their wedding plans to make the day less stressful for him to the greatest possible degree - hire his teacher or keyworker to look after him, change the plans/venue/whatever they can - and then make the best of the situation from there. My point is that if she is going to marry his father, she will have to start thinking like this eventually, unless they plan to exclude him from their social/family lives altogether. So she might as well face up to it now.

Aloha · 23/03/2007 20:08

There are plenty of people with very much loved autistic children who exclude them from certain things - eg family holidays, because the children would find them very distressing and it would make the holiday horrendous for the rest of the family.
Of course normally it would be totally the thing to have the child there. Of course. But there are two problems here. One is that the child will almost certainly not enjoy it in any way and will probably find it confusing, stressful and distressing, the second is that the wedding has been organised and paid for at a point when he was not expected to be there.
I think that the question of whether or not he was coming could ideally have been discussed between his parents much earlier on but we are past that point now.

foxinsocks · 23/03/2007 20:09

can he (the boy) express a preference? does he know/has he been told about you and his father getting married?

dingdongjustforyoufg · 23/03/2007 20:11

knowing that he won't cope, why have such an enormous do anyway?

Rhubarb · 23/03/2007 20:11

Foxy - I don't think anyone has yet said if he has been asked yet.

I hate it when people plan around these children without thinking to ask them. You claim they are human beings but fail to treat them like one. Why make decisions for them? Why not just bloody well ask him!

foxinsocks · 23/03/2007 20:11

I think it sounds like it will be awful for him - really distressing and I'm sure he'll pick up on everyone else's stress on the day too.

SoupDragon · 23/03/2007 20:15

But she does seem to be facing up to it now what with removing christmassy things etc and the slow introduction of herself into the family. She doesn't seem to want to exclude him because he's an "embarrassment" or some other such reason, I think her reasons aren't as bad as the thread title sounds.

I'm trying to think which bit of the wedding he would gain most from being included in. What he would gain most from rather than what others think he should be at. What will he get from being there other than getting stressed out and most likely pushed into a meltdown? I know my cousin didn't get much from the anniversary celebrations and, IIRC, only stayed for at most an hour or 2.

I still think the son would benefit most from a private celebration where he won't be stressed by strangers, crowds and different surroundings.

SoupDragon · 23/03/2007 20:16

But Rhubarb, how can they ask him? The OP says "He has no verbal skills"

Greenshoots · 23/03/2007 20:16

It's so difficult to gauge whether it will be too distressing for him, or whether or not there would be any point asking him (my brother wouldn't have known what the hell you were on about) or whether it's too late to addapt the plans to include him. Autism is a big umbrella term.

My gut feeling though is that having to exclude him from the wedding because his disability causes too much inconvenience/it's not a suitable event for him to attend is a pretty bad start.

foxinsocks · 23/03/2007 20:16

I think it sounds like it's too far down the line now to include him but I do think (if you take the decision not to have him there that day) that you need to come up with some sort of marriage celebration that involves him - one that is appropriate and takes his needs into consideration.

SoupDragon · 23/03/2007 20:17

Actually, as soon as I posted that I realised just because he can't speak doesn't mean he doesn't understand or communicate by sign etc. I still iagine it would make it tricky.

margoandjerry · 23/03/2007 20:17

this is really tricky isn't it. I really can see that this will be very tough for your stepson.

But tbh your partner was being a bit daft letting arrangements go ahead when he hadn't cleared his proposed arrangement for the day (ie, son not to be there) with the other people most concerned with his welfare.

That's not a v helpful comment is it? What's done is done. But I think your best bet is as suggested earlier - your partner must sit down with the mother and anyone else concerned and thrash out a solution, such as the one suggested earlier about the three of you having time together on the day before the crowds arrive and having some sort of made up vow ceremony to honour the relationship between the three of you.

Original poster
majordilemma · 23/03/2007 20:19

Son works very much on the present so if you say 'would you like to go to our wedding' he would think he was going then and there.

He can communicate yes and no with Makton. He has no concept of what 'wedding' is or involves - I have shown him pictures in his encyclopedia but he'smuch more interested in butterflies!

He may or may not get out of vehicle when we go somewhere. Sometimes it takes him up to an hour to get out of car and into our home.

He does not go on holiday with either his M or us. He has a tendency to head bang on long journeys and cannot use public transport. We have a fabulous respite facility and see that as his 'holiday' as they try taking him to different places etc.

He is severely autistic and non-verbal and attends a special school for children with ASD.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 23/03/2007 20:19

It sounds like his father originally made the decision not to invite him because of the unsuitability of the social occasion and then plans were then made on that basis and thus were even less suitable.

I think the father needs to make the decision based on what is best for the son. No one here really kows the extent of the boy's ASD or how it manifests.

SoupDragon · 23/03/2007 20:23

I like the idea of doing something before everyone arrives. Then he is there, everyone can see he is included but he can then leave with his carer when it becomes too much for him. Or rather just before it becomes too much.

CODalmighty · 23/03/2007 20:23

aagree wiht soupy
hwo the hell do we knwo

Original poster
majordilemma · 23/03/2007 20:30

Thanks again,

I'm going to show DF this post now he's home from work and see what he thinks!

Just really wanted to stress I am not trying to exclude son from our life.

Oh and I know people with autism are people too!!!

Further advice appreciated...will check this thread tomorrow.

OP posts:
tortoiseSHELL · 23/03/2007 20:33

I think the OP is getting a bit of a bashing here. I suggested doing a private ceremony beforehand, having seen how an autistic friend of ds1's responded to his birthday party - he is fine with one or two people, but when more people arrived he disappeared upstairs, which was fine, we had set up a playroom for him, because I knew that was a possibility.

But at a wedding that may well not be possible, and I just can't see the benefit in putting a child in a stressful situation - that is how my friend's ds responds to a social situation - severe stress and anxiety. I'm no expert, but to me,sharing the day in a quiet private moment would be a far more meaningful thing to do than taking to a ceremony I knew he would hate. And perhaps some vows to include the child - I don't know, but do something that he might actually enjoy and benefit from.

stleger · 23/03/2007 20:35

Sorry majord, i didn't mean your wedding was childfree, that is just a feeling i hold about weddings! I suppose your dp has to take on the male bridezilla role, decide what is best for his son and himself and tell MIL and ex it is his big day. Is there any small celebration that would work - I know it can be hard to judge what will work.

dueat44 · 23/03/2007 20:37

Could this couple have organised any sort of wedding which this little boy would be guaranteed happy to go to? Even something much smaller and low-key would still not have been the answer if DS refuses to get out of the car when he doesn't like the look of a place.

If DS articulates that he doesn't want to go, that should be the end of it. And vice versa - if he does want to go, he should go. But I think key-worker or mum attending with him has to be the way forward if so; otherwise, DF will probably miss his own wedding trying to get DS out of the car, keep him calm, etc.

SoupDragon · 23/03/2007 20:39

Ooooh yes, can you change the vows to include something about welcoming/accepting the son into your "new" family? Show everyone that even if he's not there (if he's not), he is very much in your thoughts.

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